I couldn't be less seen
If I was invisible
The air crushes inwards
Like I'm buried under the sea
I'm disassociating slowly
Floating away
Into cyberspace
While people argue semantics
I walk slowly away

Deep breaths
In and out
Pushing away
Just about everything
Forget myself
My precious memories
It's better than this
It's better than this

I'm okay.
I'll be okay.

I do love her
Quietly
I wish it had snowed
Out on the roof
So I could've seen the delicate flakes
Land on her eyelashes

So it isn't effortless
I feel like I'm trying
Bumbling blindly
Wondering if she'll still love the real me

Maybe it just takes getting used to
My prom-fueled idealistic
Concept of soulmates
Really has no place
In a world where a small apartment
Is the best I'll ever get
But I fell in love with her
Not the taste of money
A split fast hard crash romance
Is not what I asked for

And if this is what love is like
I could get used to it
I wish I could call her in the morning
Or even better
Wake up next to her
I feel like she'll be the one
The first one I really talk to
About what he did to me
And what I did to him

So if this is what love's like
I don't mind
I'll spend my time with her
Laughing at the cars
That pass on the street
A ****** suburban sun dream
Sitting on a roof with her
Thrift shopping and walking
Hand in hand
Arms around each other in the end
So shameless
So carelessly together
Not afraid of who sees
I know it's what I want
Maybe it's what I need

Being with you is hard
When I want so much more
And I always go home sad
I wish it wasn't like that

Imagine that someday, I will be happy
Imagine living not alone
but with an apartment full of roommates
It doesn't matter if they're the people I made promises to
The future is full of empty spaces
waiting to be filled

But god, how I miss them
Everyone
Every single memory
scrolling through her instagram
smiling because she's doing well
I truly hope that everyone is doing okay
I hope that you're all growing up and moving on
more than I am

I laughed today
Sin after sin
Watching the bombs fall
Through frosted bathroom glass
Before it exploded inwards
I was okay

The night is thick and heavy
Oppressive on my skin
And there's a whisper in the pine trees
That things will change
Oh things will change

Cold pebbled flesh
Arms raised behind our heads
Coming into a spring
Of our own likeness
Sprouting leaves
Painting over our mistakes in green

The time has come to bury
To count loses and move on
Pave over empty streets
Houses turned to cemeteries
Fill in the cracks
With recycled riches
We call that freedom, don't we

I'm not losing hope
In you
Just me
It's always me

I can pretend for a while
I can push you out of my mind
Or at least to the back
So I can comfortably rest
But you always come back
In a moment of lull
When the world slows down
I remember your eyes
How you stared into mine
And how you didn't

Friendship is
A cold nose thing
Middle of the winter
Huddling in coats
Under trees
Dripped on by rain
That kind of thing
Wet socks from
Running
In Pacific weather
Thing
Laughing at each other
Because we can barely
Put our hair up
Thing
Sharing deodorant and
Pictures we drew
In the back of
Language Arts
Kind of thing
It's a petty kind
Of thing
Leaving t-shirts at
Their house
Kind of thing
Never giving that
Necklace back
Kind of thing
Everything they have
Is now yours too
It's almost like
Marriage but
A little less insane
And when they lose
You do too
And we always lose
In life or in death
Or in pain
Or in distance
Or in hatred
Or in love
There's loss
And I've lost
Them all

Do you remember the time
When you told me that you wanted me to get better
And I told you
That I didn't believe you
We didn't talk for days
And then you walked in
In your ridiculous silk pajamas
To pet a golden retriever
And I said I was sorry
And you said that it was alright
That you meant what you had told me

I'm lukewarm and lost
Peacefully floating
Tethered only
To the rhythmic swaying of my legs
Propped up on top of each other
Staring at the white walls
But too far away to really register
The spinning of the clock hands
The passing of all my time

At school
I feel okay
I spend that day
Focusing on getting home

Then I reach it
And I just can't seem
To feel anything at all

Heavy cloud cover
The veil over your eyes
Am I your wedding
Or your funeral

Soft leather words
Sliding on my skin
As if I'd ever forget
The way we stayed
Forever at
Each other's sides
Your hand
Not quite in mine
Light hearted laughter
Echoing through the dark
Corners of my mind
Breaking through
Like sunbeams
In a storm
Beautifully
Crazily
How you all accept me
Crashing words
Stripped of lies
I'll miss you
But I'll smile

Shadows
Streaking
Lines of light
Like paper planes
On the wall
With the picture frames
All hold your name

My shadow
My silhouette
Beautiful void
That I love
Dancing with
Candle sticks
Raised above our heads

Pale green dreams
Mottled wallpaper and
Rotting screens
Sunlight
Is a knife
Bleeding out
Clean the veins

Shadow girl
It follows
Rained out
Sidewalks and cracks
In asphalt
That deadly disease
Love me

Missing something
Like a lock
Without a key
Some essential piece
Gone

Some days, I just want to disappear
I wake up with that sinking feeling
Of nothingness, heavy in my chest
And I long to float away
Fall from out of the sky and spend my life
Shattered on the rocks of my own making
I wish I could be unborn
Bury myself beneath the leaves
And find myself unseen
But the forest is a long walk from here
So I drown myself in layers of loathing
Swaddling up my physical form
Until no one dares to look at me
I'm too pitiful, I'm a disgrace
I don't deserve all the staring eyes
I don't want to be recognized
Not anymore, at least

Today I'm stepping up to the plate
Look of determination on my face
I'm not giving up this time
Because all the cracks that they made
All the dents in my facade
Can't hurt me now
That the lies are all gone
I'm coming out today
With all my guns blazing
Shooting down the hate
That used to feel like home

Quiet
Mournful
Hair before my face
Clothes before my skin
Body over mind
Learning all too well
That skinny thighs
And a sun bright smile
Are more than my mind
More than my hands
That touch
So lovingly
Creating and destroying

Bend me back
Until I break
A perfect body
I shall make
Burn the mind
Sell the soul
A perfect body
Makes me whole

We are the rise and fall of cities
So carelessly demanded
Sheathed by night
Gilded with stars that lend us
The illusion that our world
Is still whole and beautiful

What a cyclical facade
This seems to be
All faded tones of rose and gold
From our first light
To the fall of the last empire
We are but wounds

Crushed
I'm crushed
Ground down
To the finest dust
Waiting to be blown away
Bury me in skies
Anywhere
That isn't here

School *****
Without you
Seriously
Biology is awful
I know you don't care
But I want to see you again

somewhere deep in my skin
i'm shaking
trembling
lost beneath the surface
drowning in my dreams

somewhere in my head
hazed with caffeine
i'm losing
i'm dying

I'm an ugly disaster
So stop writing me
I'm not worth it
I don't deserve it
At the end of the day
I'm still the same
I'm the girl who
Made the attempt
Who sat alone and wept
So stay away
My depression is
Contagious and you're
Too good for me

It's been two days
Since I knew
That I temporarily
Lost you
To yourself
I guess
I won't text
I won't want
To call you
Anymore
Day two
And I already miss you

And just like that
I'm alone again
The truth is so bitter
Beating against my face
The wings of a battered dove
Singing for escape
They say that I am not worthy
That I put all my faith
In one face

And even as I spoke
I felt my defeat
Seeping into me
Through the cracks
I swore I sealed up
Last year when
I passed this
Same problem
For the hundredth time

And now as I sit
Plagued by chills
The spiders that skitter
Up and down my spine
Reaping lumps
In my flesh
I feel nothing
But the same thing
I've been pretending
For so many years

The breeze
Is fine
But I wish
The sun
Wouldn't shine

I love you
But only as a friend
Maybe a little less than that
It's a love from a worn out past
And it's fading
More now than ever before

You are kind
And I am strong and beautiful
Perhaps our paths diverge here
Not out of malice
Or ill will
Just differences
And the growth of two trees
In different directions

Fresh peaches and
Hunting for
Seashells
In my head
Laying on my bed
Watching windows
Flash past
On a train
I've only seen
Once or twice
In scattered dreams
Wondering where
The hours went

Everyone wants to
Be exceptional
But no one wants to
Be the hypocrite
Who made it that way

You are fading away
Your face is a blur
Your words are a static murmur
Your voice is an echo
Your mind is letting go

Lost and all
Alone inside
A darkened room
I've never seen
But I know
How it is
Doing the things
You never
Wanted and
Asking the
Sky how this
Came to be
Falling apart
From all the
Mistakes that
You didn't
Mean to
Make and
Watching the
World so far
From your
Home but
This isn't the
End and I
Swear to every
God I've
Never believed
In that I
Won't give
Up on you

With one breath
Caught in my chest
Whoever knew
That noon
Would be my darkest hour?

And the best part is
This isn't that bad
I've suffered worse
I've cried myself to sleep
Now I'm not numb
Just stunned
By what I was
Too blind to see

The ride home is cold
I plug in and stare out the window
At the darkening clouds
Gravel crunches and we are
Here
House
Grey and painted with our mistakes
Step outside then back in
Bare feet on the floor
Not happy but comfortable
Unpack mother's things
Fold bags and put pieces in place
No one follows
Peek out the door and
Headlights are still on
A dark mist in the
Driver's seat
Angry
And brooding
Tip toe downstairs
No one is fooled by me
I kiss and tell
As I realight the steps
A door creaks open
I have be caught
I have been found

Morning light
Might as well be midnight
You're asleep and I'm
By the window again
Watching shadows in the trees
Light on leaves and
Shadows
Leaving my body

Are they demons
Of mine
Fleeing for shelter
From summer light
Might as well
Bask while it
Lasts
They'll be back

Scared of the night
Isn't really my style
Shining out lights
Locking up windows
To keep myself out
Wishing that
All those days
Has killed more

I'm not suicidal but
Part of this
Needs to end

Things keep going
Even if you don't
You might be a fallen empire
But you and your followers
Are the only ones fallen
It sends out an impact
A ripple of emotion
That falls on mostly dead ears
And fades, in the end

Trees still grow in your absence
Kids still go to school
Even when the desk in the back
Right by the window
Is full no more
And the seasons will change
Flowers will bloom and
People will slough off
Their sweaty tee shirts
As your body grows old
Underground and in memory

You are gone but the world goes on
Things keep going

Should I just change
Cut you off
Cut you out
I don't know if I can do this anymore
The good times are good
But this sinking feeling never goes away for long
I'm never alone
Never without you
Plaguing my thoughts
I dream about you and
It makes me so tired
I wish it would all go away
The feelings
The obsessive thoughts
Why won't you disappear from my life
Pull away
Slowly
Why do you do this to me

Sleep
I wish I could sleep
Sew my eyelids shut
And never seen the stain
Of the world
Reflected in my retinas

Tossing and turning
Strangled by all my sheets
All the things
I don't know how to forget
I regret
Just about everything
These days

Melt myself
To fit the mold
Crafted of pillows
Liquify
All my insides
To drain into this place
Never look out again

It's funny how the bad things last
I could spend a year
Sitting in my veins
Pleading to any god
And everything would be the same
So seventh months later
How different am I?
Is my mind finally healed?
Are the scars finally fading?
Or am I destined
To be
Forever and always
Broken

the disconnect between the world as it is and the world as i wish it was is so harsh sometimes.
my head hurts.
my hands tremble.
i can feel a lump in my throat and whether it's tears or puke doesn't really matter anymore.
i want to fade out of existence again.
i'm shaking so badly that i think i might fall apart.
shake out the pins and nails that hold this shoddy framework together.
this shouldn't be a big deal.
this isn't new.

I hate that
Every conversation
With you
Is just
A conversation
With myself

K
Yea
Lol
***
Look
Wow
Oof

We probably shouldn't talk. I can say all that to myself. I don't need you to do it for me.

There is something wrong
But what?
There is something wrong
But what?
THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG
WITH YOU
WRONG WITH YOU
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
THIS ISN'T YOU
**** IT
**** IT
HELP
help me
I can't get out
I can't escape this
ESCAPE
GET OUT
GET OUT
GET OUT
THIS PERSON IS NOT YOU
THIS IS WRONG
**** THIS CREATURE
**** IT
YOU HAVE TO GET OUT
PLEASE
LET ME LEAVE
I'M SICK
I'M SICK
I DON'T WANT TO DIE
I DON'T WANT TO DIE LIKE THIS
HELP
ME
PLEASE
HELP
**** IT
**** THIS
RUN
GET OUT
RUN NOW
RUN
RUN
feet on wooden rungs
RUN
GET OUT
LEAVE
**** IT
look for the plastic break
HELP ME
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
HELP ME
HELP ME
HELP ME
fingers glitter red and gold
HELP
**** IT
THAT ISN'T ME
I AM NOT HER
I DO NOT RECOGNIZE HER
**** IT
**** IT
IT WON'T STOP
IT WON'T GET OUT
IT WON'T LEAVE
LET ME GO
LET ME GO
LET ME GO
LET
ME
go

over
it is over
quiet
empty
numb
it burns a bit
don't mind
quiet
can finally sleep
nothing
nothing
nothing

reading all those things
yeah that was a mistake
it's not like i haven't made mistakes before
but i thought i was better than this
or maybe they thought i was better than this
did i ever get better
or has this all just been lies
me trying to wait it out
so i can go back to my life
what's the sense in that
i'm here because i hated that life
or it hated me
i'm not sure anymore
either way
i wanted to escape
and now that things are better
i want to go back
i need to go back
not really but my options
are running low
i hate to think that i thought i found the answer
which turned out to be another game
as fun as that is
i'm tired of this ****
and i want to go home
but i'm already here
i just want to stop
to give up and let go
of all the things i convinced myself of
locked in my paper crate room
did it even make a difference
that's what i keep asking myself
do i just have to try harder
or am i completely ******
is this it
am i just not meant for life
is that how this is
i have things to do today
and i hate them
because as much as i wish i could go back in time
i know this truth
that nothing would be better
things would change
yeah they'd change a lot
but not for the better
because honestly
i hated myself as much back then as i do now
and even before that
before the winter ended
i still liked myself
more than i do now
i had something going for me
that's what i tell myself
if i could go back in time
i would change everything
i would try out for a different team
i would never have broken up with them
i would've tried to figure things out
i would've joined my friend
at that stupid art program
i would've ******* held on to the friends
that i managed to lose
so swiftly and ungracefully
i...
i don't know what i would've done
about him
in an ideal world
we never would've met
in an ideal world...
that year would've never happened
but the further back i go
the more i try to fix
the more i begin to realize that **** has been going wrong
for so ******* long
that i couldn't fix this if i tried
so what went wrong
i can blame a couple of things
but it doesn't explain it all
maybe nothing can explain
the chemical side
maybe i was just born to be ****** up
i wish i hadn't been born at all
it would've been much easier
if my older brother would've lived
maybe if i
had been born as him
things would've been better
i'd be a senior
gearing up for life
i'd probably be smart and tall
maybe ugly but probably not
i'd probably like girls and guys
just like i do now
i'd go to a good college
like my parents wanted me to
not some **** school in maine
that anyone can get into
i'd make everyone proud
and i'd beat up my sister's exes
if they ****** with her
and i'd do my best
i'd give her better advice
because she likes guys and i'd be a guy
and maybe things wouldn't be as ******
with my dad
but then again maybe they'd be worse
maybe he wouldn't've been gone so much
maybe a little boy would've been
enough to make him stay
maybe they never would've
fought in the first place
maybe i would've been everything
i am not today
maybe i would've been happy
maybe that's who i was meant to be
but i'm not
i'm not him
and i'm stuck with this life
at some other point
that would've made me strong
knowing that i get to play with the cards
i've been dealt
but now it just makes me want
to throw in the towel
to say i've had enough
because i have
i've had far too much
and nothing ever changes
and **** never gets better
and i'm still the hopeless wreck i've been
since i was a little girl
i don't regret anyone
or anything
other than myself
this has been
my sad ***** rant
if you read it all
i'm sorry
go somewhere else
this page is not a happy place to be

It's hard not
To see my bones and
Wonder
If there is more
Where they came from
Deep down
Beneath my skin
Who knows
How many skeletons
Are buried in my soil

Waking up
From silent reverie
With twigs
In my hair
Loose jeans
Caked in mud
How long was I
Out of my mind
How can
I go back

We're friends
You said so
So did I
And we love each other
As friends do
Because we're friends
And you call me cute
Because that's what friends do
And I say I love your smile
Because I support you
So what if everyone
At your place
Thinks we're dating
So what if we're both
Chaotic lesbians
So what if I
Have a crush on you
So what if I
Think you like me too
We're friends
And that's where reality ends

I am okay now
I am clean
Wrists gleaming
When I walk outside
Draped in fairy lights

Don't know what to say
Other than you're my new aesthetic
And the music that we play
Has me up all night long
Dancing in my room
Like I don't know how to die
'Cause your stupid smile
Has me laughing too
As our 2000's dance moves
Clear out the room
We feel too much like magic
Too much like chemistry
I hope the way I look at you
Is the same way you look at me

When will it all
Come crashing down
Around my ****** heels
When will it end
When will I sit
In the hospital again
When will I finally give in
To the nighttime cries
Of demons I try
Not to recognize
When will the light go out
Flicker and melt
To the ground
When will I fall
For the devil I
See in dreams
When will it end
This perfect nightmare
When will too much
Finally become enough
To push me over the edge
When will summer end
When will I end
Again