Attending bar meetings
Taking AP
Dressing up
In "sensible" shoes
Monotonous speeches
And pretentious
Agreements
What happened to
My too big jeans
Chipped nail polish
Self cut fringe
Techno disco rock
Pop daydream
I'll go to college
When I'm eighteen
Until then
I'm just a kid
Don't ask me
About insurance
Or what car
I want
I haven't got
A clue
And neither
Did you

The sun outside is bright
Lighting up the pavement
The patchwork brick walls

But inside

It is night for me

Blinds drawn
Only a lamp on
Sitting in yesterday's clothes
Shaking like a leaf
Swept up in the hurricane
Of my spiraling thoughts

Please
please.

Don't leave me

The thought of those memories
Sitting in your garage
Sunlight shining in
Surrounding your outline
An angel playing guitar
Singing so softly
and sweetly

Hyperventilating
It's the crash after the dissociated rush of adrenaline

I almost lost you

Wherever you are
I don't want to see you
Hands in the rain
Grasping an umbrella
Long fallen to your side
Your hair's wet
But you know that

Staying at home
Your coffee is cold
Mixing up the sugar
Won't bring it all back
Biting your lip
For the avoidance in the eyes
Of your own reflection

Tears well up
Let them fall down
Mourn the grave
That you made
Let yourself be sad
I love you so much
But I'm not coming back

Turns out that one good week
Was too much for me
But someday, I know
My heart will mend my soul
And I'll be better again

This is only temporary
So I'll leave you to your feelings
And work on being kinder
Open up my eyes and
Wait until you find you

In the end
This is not the end
You're only one bit
And you don't deserve
The things I did
So I'll be quiet
Go back to my old ways
Of dreaming about
What's behind your eyelids

This will end alright
I think
I just feel it

Strangely crushed
Don't want to be in love
Just clear my ears
Fall fast asleep
Curled under this oak tree
Please leave me in peace

Can I drown
In your familiar blue
Travel across the miles
Climb up to
Your window
Make myself
A home with you
Let's build up
A pillow fort
Close the windows
Lock the doors
Shut away the sun
And watch our
Flowers grow
Somehow nocturnal
With only your eyes
To light me up
There's no need
To worry though
I'll forever bloom
With you

I'm not funny
Just pathetic
Curled up in bed
Surrounded by a mess
That sleeping left
Maybe someday
My wardrobe will fall over
And take me out
And we won't have
To do this anymore

I used to think
You were so blessed
Now I think
I was obsessed

But I'm not anymore
I've opened my eyes
Looking at you now
You're just another guy

Everyone thinks
Being bored is cinematic
It's not
Just boring
Cuz what's so cool
About sitting in my room
Next to a massive pile of laundry
Thinking idly about doing things
Knowing I won't
I don't see the appeal
It's not that I hate this
I'd just rather
Be doing anything else

Cold evening
Setting out late
By the water
Who knows what lies there
Buried by waves
Thousands of moon
Created
I run and
I run alone

The wind is a frightful thing
It dribbles through my fingers
As I run
Cold legs kicking up
Not quite numb
The air is a tangible thing
In my hands
Try as I might
I cannot grasp it

Water laps gently
Like a stately cat
In the sunshine
At the edges of my mind
Sometimes I think I’m dreaming
I’ll never wake up
It is not a bad fantasy
To be running alone
On the edge of the earth

I don't know how to be
Anything but broken anymore
Left crushed and lifeless
I built myself back up
Into another fragile shell
Anything could tear me apart
I'm barely living
On the fringes of existence
Never truly taking part
Maybe I can't fall in love
But I can always count on
Falling apart

You said you're dressed like a Hozier song
One of the ***** ones, of course
Your eye contact is one of the few things
That can still light me on fire
Burn me
Burn me

Drained
But somehow still nervous
Dancing on the edge
Of finally finding
My purpose

I miss you
I wish I could see you
Remembering
Your smile is
The highlight of today
I have an idea of you
That I'm falling for
I know it isn't you
But that doesn't
Stop me at all

I never knew he would break me
I never knew he would make me want to change me
To shift every aspect
Just to be someone else
So he could never love me
And it sickens me
To know that this is the place where he kissed me
That I'm in the body that he touched
He claimed to love
Wanted to become one with me
He can have me
Because I don't want me

Get up
Shower
Vacuum
Laundry
Homework
Make my bed
Shave my legs
Eat actual food
Put on real clothes
Clean out my whole room
Do what I'm supposed to do
Be a good daughter for once in my life

I'll get around to it eventually
But not today

You make my throat hurt
Aching up from my core
Slick and soft and smooth
Picturing you kissing and licking into my mouth

If I'm your closest friend
Then you deserve someone else
Someone who won't fall in love
When there's no love to be had
I'm sorry

This waiting period is strange
I'm not eager to fall in love
I'm alright for now
Not really working on myself
More so
Just existing
Feeling things more or less thoroughly
Than before
I don't know if it ever quite hits me
That this is now
And it's all I'll ever have
And someday I'll be in love
And it will be enough
It doesn't feel real
Thinking of love and me
I'm me
So solitary and full of imperfection
Just like everybody else, I guess
There's no one here I love right now
There are little aspects
I can appreciate
But I can feel that there's someone out there
Someone who manages to fit
My idealistic unrealistic vision of a soulmate
I guess that's childish
Thinking things like that are real
But some part of me can't help
But believe in them
Late nights of imagining them talking
[And by them I mean us]
In a small humble apartment
Gives me space to breathe
And as I'm on the edge of sleep
I feel warm and real
Happy to be alone

I'm devastated
That you were just an excuse
I was used
As were you

I always knew you were never real
We were just two girls, playing pretend
Sending loveless souls
Across the code
But I loved you
In some perverted way, I loved you

You ****** me up
And by that I mean
I ****** me up
You were my image
My northern star
When you were gone
I was willfully lost
Decided it was time
To destroy it all

We played our game
For far too long
Letting go was a relief
An excuse to be
The ****** up kid
I'd always dreamed of
Back when my dreams weren't nightmares
And my nightmare wasn't my reality

It wouldn't be fair to say you broke me
You didn't
You chose me
Just as I chose you
My perfect self destruction
And like him later on
We were a force together
We tore holes together
We were the people
You don't write home about together

In the end
We were just kids
I can't say I regret this
I don't know what to say
Except that I meant it

I wonder why
Sometimes
Do they still look at me?
Does my sight make them feel
Turn away
Fight sadness and longing

Is love replaced with hatred with nothing at all?
Was it love at all?
Was their mind full of me?
Dark eyes smiling
Cattish mouth in a frown

Mascara stains all of my sheets
They caused it
Close my eyes and tip back
My eyes fill with water
My lungs fill with flames
Nothing can ever mend a broken promise

Their body is nothing but hatred
Their smile is nothing but a lie
Their face is nothing but a mask
They are nothing but a stranger

You are part of my history
No matter what I do
You've claimed a piece of me
And I still never want to see you again
But I've accepted that the person I knew
For five hours on a Saturday afternoon
Will never leave me

Your face is still going to haunt me
I'll still cringe when I imagine
Your hands on me
But I'm getting up
And moving on
And not caring if you move on too

Faded eyeliner
Empty monster cans
Tears unspilled
Clouding up my vision
While everyone in class
Laughs around me
Hip hop songs about suicide
And dark trap about death
Clothes strewn across my floor
Bed left unmade
Uncomfortable classroom chairs
Flannels and sweats
Big hoodies and pajama pants
Dyed hair with the roots growing in
Fingers torn and ripped to ****
Eyeshadow on my arm
Masquerading as bruises
Bad skin and dark circles
Gently faded scars
That's my new aesthetic
The face of resenting you

You are all here dancing
'Round my insides
Like dizzy stars
Haunting me
My lovely ghosts

And I know I'm innocent
Innocent as any of you
Innocent as the Northern Lights
But you're all still here
Scars on my stomach lining
Chips in my ribs
Pressing kisses to my esophagus
That make me choke

I know I will have my ghosts until the day I die
And even once we part from my body
We will mingle in the stars
Maybe then you will have what you want
You can tear apart all the pieces that were me
Destroy me like I destroyed you

A cosmic apology
A cosmic goodbye

You're an *******
Why did you have to lie
When you held my hand
Did you know it would end soon
Did you have plans of how to break it to me
Instead of plans to break it to them
Why did you agree to tell our friends
Maybe you knew how they'd react
Maybe you wanted an easy excuse
I don't know
It doesn't add up
Either way
Get ******

I'm laying down
Head on my pillow
Wondering you're doing the same
Knowing you, probably not
I can close my eyes and picture you
Easier than I would like
Sitting in bed
Watching tv and
Eating lukewarm ramen
I shouldn't miss you like this
We never had anything
Yet I still hold out hope
That we can change that

Beautifully
Indecent
Lost in foggy dreams
Your face is still
The only thing I see
When I close my eyes
To shut out the light
Of a cold
Harsh world
Without you

Every night
Is another night
Where you come home
As a wheelchair girl
Each night
Is a fairytale
Where I'm lost in you
Inside your world
Begging you
Upon waking breath
To lose your fears
And find me again

This is an ode to us
Our elbows that brush
When we're walking down the hall
Our feet as we kicked each other
At a football game
Arms interlocked
On a walk through the school yard
And fingers reaching, grasping
Sliding over arms and bodies and sides
Finally intertwined
In the street lit night

This is an ode to our memories
Good and bad
The conversations between classes
When I told you I was suicidal
When you told me you were abused
When I realized that I loved you
Making small talk on a swing set
Knelt down in a library
Snapping under electric bonds
Thinking about you all night long

This is an ode to the things
That stay between you and me
I was the first one
To ever use your name
I waited for you at the stoplight
When you refused to jaywalk
Or run around the other way
We looked across the road
Through drifting car fumes
In our small home town
I remembered your arms
Just a few hours ago
They didn't feel like home
But God, were they close

This is an ode to us
To this teenage love
To the rain that fell
And cleansed the downtown buildings
Washed out the streets
Leaving everything out in the open
All our secrets and mistakes
Silly conversations and inside jokes
And hurt, the things I'll never quite get over
The times you didn't look at me
And the times that you
The times when it was just
You
And me
Alone in our feelings
Your blue eyes locked on mine
Free

It's
Been
Eleven
Days and
I'm ******* tired
So close to falling apart
When did I become such a disaster

They're funny
With that strange edge of sincere
I'm basking in their shadows
They're looking in my mirror

You've made your stance quite clear
You don't want me in your life anymore
Understandable
After what I did

I was sure you'd come back
But you didn't
You haven't
And there's a good chance you won't

I need to move on
Pick myself up and get myself away from here
Immerse myself in different things
Pick up hobbies
Begin reassociating the things I recognize as you
With something else

I can't let you rule my life anymore
I just can't
I have to move on

If I knew
That I'd see you when I die
I wouldn't **** myself
I'd stay here
Live out my life
See what the world has to offer
Before I joined you in the grand above

I hope you wouldn't mind
If I made you wait for a while
You could watch me on my adventures
I hope clinical psychology
Or big firm accounting
Sound interesting to you
I'll travel all across the states
Thinking of you as an angel on my shoulder

I like how I operate
Thinking that you're dead
You might still be out there
Living your own life
Completely apart from mine
What would you think
If someone told you you'd see me when you die
Would you be disappointed
Would you wish it was someone else
Or would you smile again
Like you smiled on my last full day
When I asked you to support me
I think you'd say yes
Like you did then

I wouldn't be scared of death
If I knew I'd spend it with you
There's no one I'd rather be with
And I mean it
I'll spend my life with everyone else
Might as well spend my death with you

I think I think about you dead because it's easier to cope
Than knowing you're probably out there
And you never called
I still want you sometimes
I still perk up when the phone rings
But I know it's not you
Because now you're dead
Or you stopped searching
Maybe you never searched at all
Honestly, the thought that I wasn't special to you
Is the worst thing I can imagine
I don't believe it though
I saw something in your eyes
That knots up my throat every time I think about you
You cloud over my eyes
You make me cry
Because you're one of my favourite people in the world
And you mean so much to me

Big brother
Where art thou?
In the coiling mess of confusion
Bloodied wrists and sunsets
Have you already forgotten?

Big brother
Feel my pain
Set me free to roam
Bathe me in ecstasy
Or let me fall

Big brother
Love your neighbor as you love yourself
Give
Give your life
Why do you hide from them?

Big brother
What is the veil you wear?
Dancing where I cannot see
Where I cannot roam
Scattered across the globe

Big brother
Forgive me for I have
Lost all hope and direction
Gotten swept away in the current
There is no love

Big brother
Hold her close with starry arms
And metaphysical limbs
Love her in the pages
Spread like a seed

Big brother
I do not love you
The leaves on the trees come to the ground
Is that the last bow of nature?
Or an unspectacular event?

If you've ever grown a garden
You know how hard it is
To start again and again
Year after year
Planting seeds and saplings with love and care
Only for it all to die when the cold comes

But you learn some things
Growing a garden
Not all is lost in winter
Some things go dormant, some roots grow deep
Deep enough to evade the cold and stay imbedded in that ground forever
All things die in time
But not some of these trees
They become immortal to you
They're there as long as you live

It all starts out small in a garden
You fail at first, and then again
But then something sticks
Something holds
Fights to hold on and stay alive
And succeeds
And you get to watch it grow into this beautiful thing
Towering over all the other plants you grow after that
No matter how tall or splendid your other plants grow
There was always the first
Even after it dies
It's still alive
Because it is the foundation
Of everything else you grow

Soft skies, turning grey to blue
The grass outside will grow
Spinning up around our ankles
Lay back and watch
The clouds dancing in the sky
Still remember that snowball fight
I find that I don't mind sunlight
When it's with you

You remind me of what it's like to fall in love
The rush
And the eventual disappointment
It's been so long for me that I don't even feel human anymore
Everyone I know is a million miles away
And I don't even mind

I don't know
Maybe this is just more proof
That I'm better off alone
Because there's nothing quite like
The numbness crashing in
It's not something I can share with someone
I wouldn't if I could

I'm listening to old love songs
And they just make me realize
How I'm never romantically nostalgic anymore
I don't care about my old crushes
They've all turned to dust on me
The only boy I've ever loved might as well be dead
And I've resigned myself to the fact that he's the only love I'll ever have
He's the only one I still cry for
He's the one I'd die for
If it meant I could see him in heaven

I don't know
Maybe I'm over young love
Maybe I'm just preaching and goth
Not old for my time
But I feel no connection
To any of these people

I flirt with my ex girlfriend because I'm bored
She doesn't deserve it
She's the prettiest girl I've ever seen
And I was so in love with her before
But now that's gone too and I'm stuck rambling all because my friend is in love and talked to me about it on pinterest
I don't know
I never thought I would be so emotionally unavailable
That even romance wasn't my thing anymore

****** teeth
Dripping in the sink
Watching all that pain
Drain away
So perfectly
Summer sun
Lights up my white
Tattoos
Putting pins and needles
Up and down my spine
Painting out
My chalk outline

And everything will crumble
In the walls of my mind
In the halls of my inner eye
As we bleed out
Perhaps you'll see
How beautiful you are
Compared to everything

Wake me
Drag me up through layers
Ascending through sleepy darkness like
A fish from the sea
Stir me gently
Rouse my bones
Bring me back to this life
Where I live alone

Find me
Lost somewhere among dreams
A catalyst of my misery
Force me to light
Open up my eyes
To the totality of the sun
Keep me from my sleep

Sinking

Feeling


When I hear the telltale sound
Sobbing from the ceiling
While our parents
Don't hear a thing
I know it's wrong
To put my headphones on
But leaving you
In your misery
Drenched silence
Is easier than breaking it

Please message me back
I'll respect whatever you do
But I'm not ready for this to be over

Probably should've thought of that earlier

I don't know what to do today
I must confess
I did my best
To restrict a bit
To make my stomach flat
I know that I can't do this
If I want to recover
And be the girl my mother
Knows again
I should not care what I eat
Or what I wear
In fact
I should wear what
Makes me smile
But the reflection in the mirror
Is a deadly persuasive
And the diary says
"Beautiful child
"You are listening again
"You see yourself as you are
"And that is as not enough
"Come with me dear"
But I have dreams
I do declare
I have dreams that will crush you
Dreams that will stomp the whole world flat
"What dreams?"
It laughs
"If you had dreams
"I would not speak
"The disordered do not have dreams
"Love
"They have fantasies
"Delusions of grandeur
"Drugged up hallucinations
"From fasting"
I nod my head
Pay my respects
And am led away
But part of me says
"No."
I am a dreamer
I am a high hopes believer
I am a fantacizer
And a far stretch reciever
But I am not delusional
And this is not a diary
It is a disorder
So maybe I should stop writing

Come home
Go through the door
Nearly collapse
On the front steps
Slip off shoes
Crawl into bed

It'd be nice
To watch a movie
Or read a good book
But I'm drained
And tired
So I'll go to sleep instead

I miss you
Why did I leave you
Why did I ever do this
I miss your face so ******* much
I just wanna talk to you again
But I know you won't respond
You've decided to respect my decision
So I know you won't message back
I know you won't add me again
You won't block me because you probably can't bring yourself to
But you won't respond

I'm alone now
You were my number one confidant
I loved you so much
We would always call when I was sad and I'd go to bed smiling
And imaging you holding me
Your chest pressed against my back
And then it stopped working
I got off the phone and sobbed into my hands
It wasn't enough anymore
I guess I realized things wouldn't work out

It hurts so much to let go of you
My eyes have been constantly swollen since I left
Full of tears and mourning
As much as I wish you'd text back
I'm glad you haven't
This was coming sooner or later

Some days
There's a fountain
In my soul
Shooting up words
And thoughts
Clear fresh water
Droplets on a page

Some days
The well goes dry
Eyes burning
Free from tears
No words
No love
This is worse somehow

Tired
Of ticking clocks
Taking stock
Of what I've
Fallen to

Seated
By the weary
Windows of light
Breaking up time
With eyes

Danced
All night long
Pretending there
Someone was there
Perfect dreams

Shook
In the morning
Rain pouring
Still no call
I can't stop falling

My dearest streak
Of onyx lightening
My favourite blackened
Silhouette
The lovely shadow
That stalks my home
And rests her warm
Soft head
Down on my thigh
Raising a dainty
Porcelain paw
Complete with stained
Rosy paw pads
Up to my hand
For an occasional treat
Curling up next to me
Such a little thing
Slow motion blinking
And twitching ears
To convey her feelings
A feline ambassador
To the human race

Feelings
They berate me
I don't know what I feel for you
Or why
This is beginning to suffocate me

Insecurities
Both inside and out
Am I attracted to you?
Or am I simply so lonely
That I'm clinging to you

How am I to say
Why I want to kiss you
And dance with you
When I've never kissed before
And never danced but alone

One cannot miss what
They have not had
But I miss you
And your flaws
Anyways

Scared to make a move
I couldn't love you if I wanted to
I don't want to
If I see you again
I might fall for you anyways

I didn't need to dream about you
Holding your hand out to me
******* on the corner of my ear
And asking "do you want to kiss me?"

I didn't want to raise my hopes up
When we haven't talked in days
When our eye contact is only
Mandatory and
I know you never wanted me anyways

I don't want you
I don't need you
So why do I still crave you
Why do I still dream about you