I live in a world
Where the mist never burns off
It's okay
I like the rain
And the mystery
Because when the sun shines through
I get to dance like
I've never danced before
Spinning alone in the sunshine
Walking in the cold
Air slips down my throat
Stare out at the mist
And a little sun comes through
I can feel that warmth
I can feel that love
That's why
Take two steps forward when you fall
Not steps anymore
Run
Running for the sun
Longing to dance and be
In my darkest days
I cry and stay awake
All night and I'm
Not thinking of killing myself
I thinking about the sun
How beautiful it is
How I want to see it again
Contrary to your belief
I do not see the world in grey
But in green
And red and orange
And you
In all of your splendor
Could I be so humbled
As to see you again
Do not worry about me
Too young and dumb to die
Too young and dumb to never see the sun
But smart enough to know
That nothing matters
When I'm dancing with you

The only person
I wanted to see today
Isn't even here
So I'll just sit
Do my work
Let the minutes
Pass like moths
Fluttering to the light

Cut my hair
As cute as can be
Now I'm even better
At hiding what is me

I hate him
I hate that my dreams of him
Are the happiest things
I hate that part of me
Still thinks he's okay
I hate that my mind
Keeps bringing him back
Long after I've blocked him
And tried to move on
I hate him because it's easy
It's easier than hating myself
I hate because if I don't
I start to wonder
If it was my fault after all

Tightening
Strings refuse to loosen up
Let me shed my tears

This tea
Tastes like memories
All I want to feel
Is someone's eyelashes
Beating against my skin
The sense of skin on felt
On soft, slippery silk
On icy velvet
What if their mouth tastes like cinnamon
Will their tears
Be pearls of salt on my cheeks
And will they bite me

It's almost funny
The way I fall
In love with anyone
It shouldn't be this way
It shouldn't be you
But it is
And how am I
Supposed to help it
I'm just a kid
With a head full of clouds
And a heart full of dreams
That I can't quite reach
I love my guilty pleasures
But you aren't
Even guilty
You're just a man
That I don't know
You're just a man
That I'll never know
And I will daydream
About meeting you
In separate places
I could be your doll
You're not
A work of art
And darling that's okay
Let's keep it that way

The beginning
Steal my heart
With a single glance
Through space and screen
My one and only

Innocence is replaced with
Devastation
Ravish me
Of my purity
Go away with my childhood

Him
Worms crawl up my skin
The thought of what he did
Smother me
But it was my choice in the end

The storm that wrecked my lungs
Came in November
Severed the cord to my mother
Can't sleep now
There's still an IV somewhere

She came to me
In pocket watches and
Autumn dreams
Soft hair
And a heart that lingers

Quietly, quietly
Crept into her room
Laid beside her sleeping form
Not close enough to steal a kiss
But close enough for both of us

It was easy with them
Picking up our dead
Laying them to rest
The second that they held my hand
Was everything

I crawl
Back into my hole
I was wrong
Don't wake me up
Until November comes

Now there's a boy
On the edge of my vision
Standing on fields
Watching the sun
While I watch him

Scared to love
To let the sun in
But afraid to be alone
There are only so many Novembers
That can come and go

We loved
I loved

You didn't

I miss the concept of you I made
Out of glimpses of your face
From the corner of my eye
In the back of the room
I miss the voice that I hear in my head
It's sounds like you but
It says the words I wish you would
All these daydreams
Are going to smother me
I know you'll never be next to me
Laying in bed like the lovers
That we will never be
But my mind runs away
And I can't keep up with it
I can't keep up with this

I'm going to confess
All of my best secrets
Mostly that you're cute
And I want to hug
And if you put your hand on my thigh
That wouldn't be so bad
But mostly let's tell jokes
And go to the park
Make fun of all the books
In the local library
I want to hear your music
And all about your friends
Let me spill my darker ****
Or read with headphones in

It's really crazy
If we're being honest
But I'd just as soon
Hang out with you
As I would make out
My feelings are far from platonic
Don't worry about that
I just want to be with you
Wherever that may be

It's a rush in the morning
Throwing on clothes
I didn't take my drugs today
I'm essentially ******
That's what that means
I could've worn my trench coat
But anxiety's a *****
I'll just dress in black
From head to toe instead
Raining down like tears
Falling from my bitter mouth
The weather is forever
My biggest ******* mood
I could black my eyes
And slit my wrists
But I'll iron my bangs
And slip on my vans
That's what Ohio is really for

If diaries could bleed
This would get ugly
I know I need help
But I'd rather be alone
I can go to therapy
And tell all my sob
Stories and tragedies
It wouldn't matter
In the end because
I'm still dead
Abandoned in a coffin
In the back of my head
My best friends
Brought me roses
Instead of tiger lilies
Because they don't
Really know me
I'll be buried in white
When I finally
Rest my mind
Because no one likes
My gothic side
I hope they'll play
My favourite songs
The ones I left on loop
But they won't
No one knows
What it is I do
And with all this
Spare time I'd say
That's probably okay
Aside from watching Ru
I sit in my room
Thinking about things
Life and death
And all that stuff
Pondering the galaxies
Instead of facing
My own reality
Because the truth is
I can only be
So different
So those demons
That you thought left
They're all still here
And they're all my friends
Better than the ones
Who currently hold
That ugly claim
Someone's got to leave
It won't be them
And it won't be me
I guess we both
Know what that means

Every season
Has a taste
The summery
Sweetness
Of a cantaloupe
Blossom
The autumnal
Burn in the
Back of the throat
After fresh rainfall
The lingering
Aftertaste
On a winter day
Of cardamom
The fresh forested
Aroma of
Pine needles
Crushed against
Your mouth
Every season
Has a taste
And I'm falling
For them all

It's rainy
And my reading
Has run dry
I don't want you
On my mind
Since when
Have you been
Painful for me
I've been writing
You poetry
For ten days now
And it didn't
Hurt before
You're difficult
Or maybe
That's me

I guess I'm alone again
It's okay
This isn't new for me
That doesn't make it hurt
Any less

I've never heard you laugh harder
Than when you are away from me
I've never seen you smile wider
Than when you're getting ready to leave

It's okay
It's okay
I'm okay

Sore knees and an aching back
From a day of laying in bed
Dark clothes covered in hair
From a certain feline friend

Warm eyes and soft smiles
Traded with myself
Flipping damaged pages
Of old books off a shelf

Writing crooked poetry
Reading upside down
Battling the depressing things
Is easier with stories around

Happy anniversary
Up there in Hades
Funny that it's up
Or am I assuming
Either way
The first month's the worst
And the second's worse
I'm not quite sure
Just how that works
But that's okay
Because we are not
And I know what they do
Feels a little more
Like medieval torture
Than friendly therapy
But you'll be okay
I must admit
It isn't much
Of a way to live
But you'll get out someday
And see the sun again
And all your friends
Will shroud you
In all their love
And everything will be
Perfectly peachy

I'll send out
A newsletter
For you
And you alone
With pictures
Of me
And the dogs
And the fish
And the things
We once
Might've shared
If only you
Weren't hiding
In Colorado
I know
I put
The blame
All on you
And that's so
So not fair
But I can't
Deal with
The fact
That you miss
Me less than
I miss you
Is it so
Wrong to
Want you to
Miss me
I want you
To kiss me
At night
In your dreams
I'm begging
You please
Give me a
Sign that
You could
Be mine
Don't ask
If that's
******
It is because
You don't
Have the time
To listen
To me whine
You've been
Inside for days
Your world
Is surely
A haze of
Therapy
And remedies
To things
You don't want
To fix and
I understand
The pain
Of being torn
Away from the
Things that
You've lived on
For so long
But I've
Been there too
It *****
It really does
But please
Come home soon
I'm in love
With your letters
There's no
Promise of
Forever but
I at least
Want to see
You before
You go for good
I'm not
Misunderstood
Just ashamed
Of the things
That I've done
And the things
That I'll do
But not of you
Never of you

there will be nights
and darker days
where we lay in bed
one head on another's chest
when it just rains
and the dim lights outside
will be blurred and distant

but my hands will be in your hair
touching your gentle face
and i'll love you to the end of it
you know that

Birds twittering
I name some
Not all
Yet they are all familiar to me

Squirrels chatter
Small things burst through brush
Fern fronds unfurl
The air smells so new

All windows open
Gazing outside
Taking in the scent of growth
Watching a moth beat against a window

Overcast patches
Knitted with blue sky
Those sporadic rain showers
Followed by little spasms of sun

Everything is green
The forest is coming back to life
A new reincarnation
Of Mother Earth

The streams will sing
The grass will grow
Something shifts
As geese cry overhead

A full two weeks
How does it
Feel like years
It's nothing
Compared
To some one
Out there
But I guess I'll
Still write
And dream about
You sometimes
If that's okay
With you

I'm thriving
Growing like a ****
Laughing at midnight
In my room by myself
Not because I'm manic
But because I'm happy
Happy
It's been a while since I've said that

"I'm sorry"
I say
As if I ever chose this
As if I ever wanted this to happen
I know it's hard for you
It's hard for all of us
But out of all the people who cried that night
I probably cried the least

You don't understand what it's like
To sit up in the middle of the night and look
At your own reflection
In the fourth floor window of a hospital room
And think
"I've lost my mind"
Because that is the worst it ever gets
And I got there

And my thighs were stained
Red for so many days
From the chaffing of the hospital scrubs
As I am carried  away
In a car with a locked glass division
A bag of all my things and
The only thing I'm sorry for
Is the fact that this didn't happen sooner

People say that death is so bad
That death is a horrible monster that
Comes in the middle of the night
And steals away their children
So what if those children were meant to be stolen?
So what if that is the only way to truly move on?
So please
Continue to villainize my only escape
And I will be sorry
That you can't understand

I know that I am different
Say that that's good
That things needed to change
But truth be told I can't recognize myself anymore
That girl in the mirror isn't me
Because part of me did die that night
How can I be expected to come back
And look at you all as my friends
When I can't even look at myself?

I guess I am sorry
I'm sorry that I made you look at me
In that way that broke anything close to the trust
That we never had
I'm sorry for all the cuts and the scars and
I'm sorry that they are all there for a reason
I'm sorry that I am never going to be the same
I'm sorry that I am never going to be okay and
I can't change that

I'm sorry that all those nights that I couldn't sleep because
I knew that I had lost everything
Cannot be changed
You say those nights were wasted
My mind is wasted
But is it really a waste
When we are all going to the same place
Six feet underground
Then
Maybe
My mind will be wasted

I'm sorry that I'm angry
And bitter
And that I don't back down even if I should
And if I'm not right, I hurt people
If I am right, I hurt myself
I know that it seems
Like I am doing this on purpose but
It all comes back to killing the thing
That says it is me
But is not

I'm sorry that I looked at him
When I should've looked away
I'm sorry that an hour in the backyard
Of all the broken and forgotten people
Is the closest I've ever come to happiness
And I'm sorry that if getting better means
Leaving them
And coming back home to here
I don't want to get better at all

I'm sorry that I couldn't stop shaking
I'm sorry that the wheelchair rattled and
Nurses asked if I wanted a blanket
As I sat in that waiting room
With all the people and their broken bodies
It was me alone
With a broken mind
Did I embarrass you then?

So I'm sorry that
You have a perfect sob story
You can write your poems and
Tell your friends all about
How a perfectly good girl met such
A tragic fate
I'm sorry that this had to happen to you
Sorry that I happened to you

"I'm sorry"
Are you happy now?

I'm jealous
How can I feel this way
When you stay with me
And sit away from the world
With me
When I need you to

I'm jealous
Because everything you have
Is everything I don't
Surrounded by friends and family
A buzzing halo of love
As if you descended from heaven

I'm jealous
You have such strong faith
You have your God
And your mother
And I have nothing
But a handful of late night indecisions

So I guess I'm jealous
Of your sociability
Of your gilded belief
Of your orthodox childhood
I'm jealous of you
I will never be you

Thank you for everything
Thank you for taking away one of my only platforms of expression
Thank you for getting mad at me for telling you how I feel
Thank you for supporting me in my darkest hours
Thank you for not letting me give in
Thank you for deciding what I want based on what you think is best
Thank you for letting me slowly destroy myself, fully knowing what I was doing
Thank you for finally making me get help
Thank you for not apologizing when you should have
Thank you for not understanding why I don't trust you
Thank you for leaving me to grow up without emotional support
Thank you for letting me fade into the background
Thank you for taking care of me for all these years
Thank you for doing things behind my back
Thank you for never asking for my opinion
Thank you for pressuring me into things I never wanted to do
Thank you for only being there for me when it was convenient for you
Thank you for bringing me into this world
Thank you for taking me away from my friends
Thank you for not judging me
Thank you for not listening
Thank you for jumping to conclusions
Thank you for not trusting me on anything
Thank you for trying to guilt trip me
Thank you for yelling at me
Thank you for trying to manipulate me into talking to you
Thank you for trying to understand
Thank you for telling me that I am not enough
Thank you for giving me reason to never trust you again
Thank you for looking the other way
Thank you for being disappointed in me
Thank you for taking away some of the only things that made me happy
Thank you for letting me break your rules
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for raising me
Thank you for stopping me
Thank you for always sticking to your beliefs
Thank you for turning against me
Thank you for taking her side
Thank you for telling me that I'm being dramatic
Thank you for telling me that I just want attention
Thank you for telling me that my problems aren't real
Thank you for leaving me alone
Thank you for loving only the good parts of me
Thank you for pretending that the bad parts don't exist
Thank you letting everything slip
Thank you for giving up on me
Thank you for never bothering to get to know me
Thank you for accepting me
Thank you for pretending that everything is fine
Thank you for telling me to *******
Thank you for calling me names
Thank you for giving me reason to believe that this is all my fault
Thank you for never giving me a chance to rest
Thank you for teaching me not to cry
Thank you for acting like I owe you something
Thank you for taking your emotions out on me
Thank you for trying to solve my problems when all I wanted was to be heard
Thank you for not doing anything
Thank you for waiting for so long
Thank you for doing anything at all
Thank you

What's the deal with love
Why is it so elusive
Why do we all
Lives our lives
Chasing out own tails
In the name of love
It's the subject of every song
Every book and movie
Just has to have love
You can only be single
If you're ready to mingle
And I'm done
The only one
I can't wait to fall for
Is myself

It's some sort of feeling
I can almost see
It's like a dream
My friend once described to me
I'm standing in the dark
With you flowing all around me
You and all our memories
You're bleeding out of my arteries
Disappearing in this zero gravity void
Droplets of you fading into the black
But you're not gone yet

I start telling you a story
You break out into song
You say you're not around
Because of that one special person
The one you hate oh so much
Everyone else believes you
Frankly I don't care anymore
You bring me nothing but apathy
I'm tired of getting excited
When you say we should go thrifting
Then we never do
I might care about what you think
If it was more than empty words
Every time you speak it's nothing
Meaningless interrupting
Say whatever you want
I'm not listening anymore

I do not think I am vain
Just naive
And surprised my my own dark eyed
And darker circles

Why can't you see
That I love you
Very much
But you need
To get away
From me

Swing sets
And black top
Cryptids lurking
In elementary
Play grounds
Your ice eyes
Matched with mine
Rich red stain
A pool of maroon
On your jacket
Coat pockets
Covered in pins

There's so many fake passageways
In this medieval maze of mine
Monsters keep popping out of walls
And leading me in circles
To abandon me at dead ends
Of which there are too few
All these walls have twists and turns
That always end
In the same blank rock face
No matter which path I choose
I know where I'll go
I'll always end up dead
At each fairytale end

And that's when it hits
Everything
That's been held up by strings
Crashes down
Around my feet
I'm lost
Again
In the same old maze
Of belated happenings
And the skies
That we made
Will keep fading away
To show me the blackness
Behind my eyes
If I sit here long enough
Star gazing past the sun
It will assuredly
Occur to me
That the only way out
Is into space

Written, mostly because
It's all I know
I think about you sometimes
Not as much as I should
If I was really in love
But too much
For me to trick myself into thinking
That I've moved on.

I don't wonder about that night
I know how you feel
But I do wonder what you would think
If I told you that he ***** me
If I told you that my parents
Sent me back to hell
For the things they found under my bed
I feel spacey
Almost as high as Cameron Post
On the night she lost it all
I'm probably just tired
I'm always tired, after all.

Melancholy
That’s one word for how I feel
Lost,
but peacefully
Drifting in between

My life is a tranquil pond
My lovers are lilies
Soft and fragrantly blooming—

I am adrift
A heady canoe, oarless
Without a passenger
I am a vessel for the life within me

And I digress
For all life is is a series of digressions
Slipping clumsy from next to next
Sending ripples through a pond
“Disturbing” a peace we will never know
we have always been a part of

I am adrift
In between
In the gaps where life exists

Nothing tastes right.

I can hear people talking around me
but their voices never quite touch me.
I’m alone in here
In this empty room
I watch a tv screen
It’s the only light in here
It’s what I see through the eyes of this body.
They’re all watching me walk
Watching how I move
but it’s not me. The person walking through the world is not me. It’s a prison. It’s a life sentence.

I can laugh
when I forget about my body
When it’s just me and a screen
Seen through a screen

Is this what I wished for
the end I can’t escape from?
are my prayers finally answered?
Will this be the end?
I don’t know if I’m ready
If I ever even was
Maybe I really did want to get better

I don't want to watch
Your blush fade
It's like watching the sunrise
While your friends die
And the palettes
With all your paints
Will eventually stain
Like blood in earth
On forgotten battle fields
Where we kissed
While the sun rose
And I overdosed

Shame disgusts me
Tastes bitter in my mouth
A sour cucumber skin
Follows me like a wraith
Haunting my room with
Clicks and creaks
The storm cloud
Of my frizzy black hair
The imperfections of
My destroyed body
There's nothing I can do
That will not wrench me
With those agonizing
Sexualized stripes of pain
Known as shame
Even if my room
Smells like afternoon sunshine
I will always stink of meat
So let me be
Let me sink my own teeth
Into my own neck
End it all and get away
From this pounding
Tidal wave of petrifying
Intoxicatingly frightening
****** wristed
High on fasting
Torn to pieces
Suicidal
Shame

Realizing that pursuing comfort in the form of abuse
is not some inherent part of me
but a behavior I developed as a result of trauma
changed the game.

I do not inherently seek and attract abusive men and unhealthy relationships.
I seek them because I was taught
by men I thought I loved
in my formative years
that abuse is love.
That sexually traumatizing behaviors
are what I want,
what I'm attracted to.
I have always known that this was not normal
but I thought it was my fault.
I thought this was who I am.

Realizing that I am a product of my environment,
an environment of cruel, **** addicted men
who provided me with my first impression
of a thing called love,
reminded me that that was my "nurture".
And that my "nurture" shaped such an integral part of me
That I thought it -was- me.
But it wasn't.

I'm not broken, actually.
The associations
my young brain has formed
between intimacy and violence
are not final,
nor are they true.
They've led me to seek
out the worst of men
the worst of everyone,
but
I have a choice in this.

I am not responsible for the men who thought they loved me
and thought that showing it through ****** violence was acceptable.
Their guilt is their own.
Their "nurture" is their cross to bear.
I do not have to tolerate their behavior,
I do not have to seek it out.
I do not have to tell myself that I enjoy it,
that I deserve it,
that I want or need it.
I do not have to center myself or my happiness
around being in a relationship
with an abusive man,
a relationship that distresses me
to the point of suicidal ideation.
I am the master of the universe
that is my mind
I can create my own nurture,
true nurture,
and discover what love actually is to me.

Realizing I was ***** and sexually abused
made me realize I did not choose for that to happen
or for the resulting trauma to develop.
But I do choose this.
I choose to heal.

We're blasting tunes
From your car radio
Though this night surely
Will end in misery
I'm happy in the moment
With all of my friends

One of these days
I'll fall in love for sure
All these cinematic
Shots of me sitting alone
Looking depressed
With a cat on my lap
Will have something
To culminate to
I'll be the star
Of a lesbian romance
That will wow the crowds
Shock gays through the ages
And land me where
I truly belong

It's evening. Everything is dark beyond my windows. The music starts to play, and I close my eyes.



The silken touch of a cloth
I haven't felt it since my childhood
Vaguely registers in my mind
Fingertips still roaming
Still trying to find
The crack in my hull
The fissure in my seams

There's a corner of my book
That digs into my hip
I only move it so I can go deeper
Into these blackened depths
I turn off the lights
So I can be one with the night
Then I'm alone in the darkness
With the fur of my blanket
Rushing over my feet

Dogs howl
Inside or out
I do not know
I rest my head back
And sag into the pillows
To close my eyes
Is to break away from reality
Left only with the stains of the light
Painted on the backs of my eyelids
To convince me
That I'm really alive



The music ends. My eyes have been open for a while now, but I'm still not sure if I can see.

Rain in a creek
The water's cool but you are warm
Your face is so close to me
From here I can see the world
Libraries and the smell of coffee
Open fields
My feet
High in a tree
Flowers 'round our faces
Lips and kisses and your fingers in me
Us in the stairwell
Of a lonely apartment building
Your nose all pink
While there's snow in my hair
Baking and walks
The making of playlists
The quiet intimacy
Of shared headphones
Igor and Melodrama
Always on repeat
Butterflies and strawberries
Drawings on the fridge
Pinned with funky magnets
Shaped like our inside jokes and dreams
Drawing on sketchpads
Sat on the floor
2 AM and we've never be closer
Waterfalls trickling
A lone fire escape
Sitting together in that night light
I see the whole world
I don't want to leave

Falling in love with danger
Falling backwards
Into that ugly spiral
All screaming and hiding
Drinking ***** water
Staring at the sun

I'm so melancholy I can barely breathe
Reliving hospital beds just to feel
That sickening pain
Chorded dreams
Of waking up in my own bed
Day after
I was supposed to be dead

Sick as a horse
It's so glamorous
To be broken
Mushrooms growing in my bones
Some disease
I can't treat
I can't go home

Flirting with friends
Pushing myself
Right to the edge
Of sanity
I'm married
To my mind's
Fatally broken backbends

Trapped in this funhouse
Do my makeup with my friends
In a funny mirror
We don't look human anymore
Dancing in my basement
Pretending that this parody
Is the party of my life

Easily disappointed
By my own too high too low standards
I hate my imperfect skin
I should be loving the flaws in me
But I can't bring myself to
Staring at the stickers
On the back of my teacher's computer
Waiting for time to pass
Until I can go home
Lay in bed
And wait for time to pass again

You are everything I've ever wanted
You make me so numb
I should just let things die out
It'd be the happiest ending for us.

Sitting in a large and
Somehow unfamiliar house
I am tired of my childhood
Tired of these purple walls
And PG movies
Decorating Christmas trees
This all feels too young
For me
Part of me feels strange
To leave behind
The fairy lights
And sleepless nights
With best friends in a hot tub
I was grown on Poptarts
And Sunday morning shows
None of that feels right anymore

Attending bar meetings
Taking AP
Dressing up
In "sensible" shoes
Monotonous speeches
And pretentious
Agreements
What happened to
My too big jeans
Chipped nail polish
Self cut fringe
Techno disco rock
Pop daydream
I'll go to college
When I'm eighteen
Until then
I'm just a kid
Don't ask me
About insurance
Or what car
I want
I haven't got
A clue
And neither
Did you

"And I don't really feel like you came back..."

We fade to black
I wake up on the other side
Tears crusted and stinging around my eyes
You are disillusioned to me
I'm without a jacket and I'm cold
I want to go home
Doing my best to forget
The time we spent together
Goodbye

Turns out that one good week
Was too much for me
But someday, I know
My heart will mend my soul
And I'll be better again

This is only temporary
So I'll leave you to your feelings
And work on being kinder
Open up my eyes and
Wait until you find you

In the end
This is not the end
You're only one bit
And you don't deserve
The things I did
So I'll be quiet
Go back to my old ways
Of dreaming about
What's behind your eyelids

This will end alright
I think
I just feel it