Drawn back
Into stagnant memories
A beat that drives me
To the brink of the edge
The chasm of insanity
Flashing lights
Behind my eyes
Lips silently moving
Tumbling over words
I haven't tasted
Since I was six years old

theressomuchinthisworldforusallsowhen i hearpeoplesaythatthey want to die irelatebut i dontand cant understandwhytheywantto do this anymore i usedto never behappyanditwashellandivebeentherebutnowimhappyimhappywithmylifei­mhappywithmyselfimfinallybecomingthepersonivealwayswantedtobeican­finallyseethebeautyoftheworldandthebeautyinsidemyselfandi will alwaysseeitafterallthoseyearsofsayingthatiwouldnever be enough ifinallyamenoughand i dont care whatpeoplethink about anything idoaslongasitmakesmehappybecauseiamstrongandiamenoughand i am tired of being someonelsesdoormatbecauseimstill alive andimlivingformenowand i
amnevergoingtosaythati cant dosomethingbecauseicanandimgoingto get themost out oflife

My favorite kind of song
Is not the lazy love ballads
It's the crashing ones
The catastrophic ones
The ones with the voices
Crooning gently
To whispered guitar
Before the solo hits
And you drive off the bridge
And crash your car

Cars rumble
I can smell you on the tarmac
Catch me on the breeze
That drifts through the
Open car window
It's too stuffy in here
I'm too busy today
To take my time and
Watch the clouds
Race across the sky
Just as busy as I
We scuttle along
Like ***** in water
And sometimes I wonder
About you
Up in your art room
About graffiti and drugs
On the streets
And their ***** hair
And unreadable eyes
About the cryptids
And cigarettes
Cults in the woods
The filthy scrub
Down by the tracks
That you left in my heart
When I left your constellation
Was I really a part
Of your personal set of stars

Under dramatic
Anticlimactic
Words left unwritten
By long dead hands
And real horrors
Come in dreams
Chase scenes
Creeping things
Without respite
Without avail
Nightmare endings
To day dream prose

Maybe someday
I just won't
Think about this
Anymore
Maybe I won't
Think at all
But for now
I'm trapped
As the wisp
It sings
It plucks
At my strings
I'm just
An instrument
Of my own
Torture
And I can't
Bear it
Anymore

It's icy cold
Out here in the snow
But I don't mind
I'll bury myself
Before I go back to you

It's not that I don't want to
I do
I want to smother myself
In the warmth of this idea
That I carefully made
And assigned to your face
But I won't

Maybe I'm derelict
And you're lost too
But I don't want you
I know my edging
Is pretty
And the frosted glass
Glimmers when it's dark
But I'm empty
You won't find anything in here
Nothing for you
At least

So when, again
Are you gonna get out of my head
Leave my daydreams
And take me by the hand
Lead me out
Onto the floor
At this ****** high school dance
Fortnite dance
Because you know
It ****** me off
Until we get kicked out
For being too loud

That's okay
We'll just head back to your place
Watch some awful
Horror movies
While your hand
Sneaks up my leg
I'll probably kick you
And pin you down
But that's how you like it
Isn't that right
Bite my neck
Until I beg you to stop
Tickle my sides
To break the silence
And wait a while
For me to fall asleep
Just so you can wake me up
And remind me
That it was just a dream

Spent so long thinking I'm hard
Cruel and calloused
Cold to the touch
That when you soften me up
I spill at the seams
Soon enough I'll melt into your touch
And be forever undone
I'm okay with that
You make me like being soft

I don't mind the way things are
I have some new friends
We're smiling again
Things are better for me
Life keeps moving

It's too late
For me to be awake
But I am
And I'm still thinking about you

I'm intrigued
Honestly
I want to see more
I want to dive deep
I'm standing at your edge
Watching my own
Rippling reflection

Will you let me in?
I think you will.

Your pretty face
And I can't wait
Layered morning sounds
Scenes that come in
Sizes and scents
That dance on my
Skin like fireflies
With wild eyes
That I can't erase
From my deeply
Troubled mind
Inquiring quietly
If there is a time
Of day you take
To think about the
Fleeting things
Of feeling things
You've never felt before

All this "love"
Is crushing me

Cool afternoons spent
With ocean skies
That don't compare
To your wildfire eyes

Lay back in the grass
Your dog on my chest
Daydreams and sunscreen
Of all my fantasies
You are the best

I think I'm lucky
Sometimes
Not that I am a woman
But that I can pass as a man
I'm tall enough
Curveless enough
With a flattened chest
And short gelled hair
I'm the closest thing to safe
In the streets
As a woman can be

I wish I could say the same for my friends

Old times
Sting like
Fresh wounds
What would happen
If I cut until I bled
Then watched my life trickle out
A flood from within my veins
Staining my sheets
Ruining my bed

Nothing is really
All that strange
If you think
Too much or
For long enough
If there really is
A great big man
Who lives in
The clouds and
Watches our
Every move
Then why
Is it such a big deal
When people love
Each other
In a way they're
"Not supposed to"
If an immortal
Presence graces
Our every moment
Then why do we
Care if someone
Cuts their hair
When there are
Wars and natural
Disasters why do
We prioritize
Someone's abortion
In the news
Besides, who is
This "God" guy
Why the hell
Should we trust him
He "created" us
But we don't owe
"Him" anything

Cloudy days and
Lavender skies
Neverending sunshine
Exhaustion runs deep
Like veins beneath
Tearing at my skin
Stripping me of all
My seams

I got a new sweater today
Men's section
Of a cheap department store
It's too big on me
Fits like drapery
Concealing my form
That's the only thing I want to do anymore

I don't fit in clothes
Like I don't fit with girls
Too big, too bustless
Their sweaters hug my body
In all the wrong places

But I'm too small for boys
Too young
Too restless
With messy girly hair
And a slim doe's neck
I am not enough for them
I cannot fill their shoes

So I bury myself
In a baggy sweater
Drowning myself
In insecurities
Hoping no one will look closer
Find out what's beneath these clothes
Beneath this skin
Beneath "me"

The touch
Of your hand
To your chin
As I watch
It meant nothing
At first
And then I thought
About it
A bit
I looked it up
Online
So thank you
Too
It means a lot

This is dumb
And I'm jealous
I wish you would leave me alone
I never asked for this
I just want to forget
All the things I never said
And after all this time
After everything you've done
There's this
I wish you wouldn't text me
I left you months ago
Let me move on
I'm tired of this
And you are too
I'm not here for you anymore
And I never will be
I know you have friends
I'm not one of them
So talk to them instead
I'm not interested
In your personal business
I do my best to play the martyr
But even I have limits
This is past pushing it
And I don't want to hear it
I understand
We all have problems
That includes me
You've put me through enough
I'm done with your hypocrisy
And your immaturity
Please just let me start again
I need this
This new existence
And you aren't part of it

Can I be your star system?
So blissfully unaware
Of your awed gaze
Glittering in the heavens
An interstellar display
Laid out before you
All raw and vulnerable
Solar flares and star dust
Can I be your muse?
Your inspiration
Every time you turn to the sky
Can I be the one
Who strikes your heart
And resonates
With your soul
To a level that you
That you've never felt before
Can I be your everything?
Can I be your everything?

I hope you don't mind
If I'm too excited to see you
I can't wait to read
The story you wrote
And show you mine too
We love the same songs
So tell me about your bands
I might compliment
Your hair again
Please don't get tired

I think you're really cool
I like your rainbow socks
And all your tees
And the way you tease
And talk about your cats
Your axolotls seem rad
Just like you
I hope things go well
And I hope you don't mind
If I'm thinking of you

Hands too numb
To move anymore
Resting my head
On the inside shelf
Reflected in the plastic
High on the scent
Of must and dead butterflies
Breathe out hard
To fog up my reflection
I don't want to see myself

Mind's a whirlwind
Of needles and pins
Scrapped up
From the crafting station
Down in the basement
A homely mix
Of cotton fabrics
Flowing in the wind
Of imagination

Does it ever seem as though
Something has left you
Alone
To feel no more
As if your bones have slipped out
From beneath your skin
I am troubled

Wind whips me
Sharp blades against my skin
Maybe I'm a *******
I don't mind
This icy thrill

Cold air
Sleek against my lungs
Filling me up
With a frost
I can't get enough of

This was supposed to be the year
That things came together
But so far I've only succeeded
At watching my world fall apart

I can't wait
To be more
Than just a mistake

I recognize my failings
I just wish
They'd recognize me

what is real
that's what i want to know
what exists
is anything of this real
and if not
what is
what if this is just a fantasy land
inside my own head
what if i'm in a coma
what if i'm somebody else
what if i am the only one that exists
what if i don't exist at all
what if there is some massive movie screen
that everybody can watch
from which everyone can see
the world through my eyes
what if i am dead
what if i have existed and lived a thousand times before this
what if this is some strange attempt to truly find peace
what if none of this is real
what if none of this is real
if i close my eyes
does the world cease to exist
and does anything truly exist
if it is possible for vision to fade and never return
perhaps the world is born when i am
perhaps it will die when i do
perhaps the world is just snippets thrown together
different perspectives
different timelines
there are explanations
the gods of science
but who is to say that that is real
who can determine what is real
is it me
is this all up to me
to all those reading
if there is anyone reading at all
i will never know you
i will never have a way to know
if anything
or anyone
truly exists
this life has the permanence
of dreams
flashes of images
thrown together
who is to say what is real
who is to say what is real
who is to say anything at all
my memories might as well be fake
so what do i do
do i do my best
to fit into this make believe world
do i let go of the universe
and play to my quiet niche
or do i let go of the present
let go of the past
let go of the future
and just be
who is to say what is real
who is to say what is real
does the world disappear when i close my eyes
does it all cease
to be
when i die
will the world die with me
is my body real
does it exist
and does the world around me exist
or is this all just hallucinations
is this anything at all
i have no way of knowing
i can see my fingers
i can feel my bangs
brushing against my face
i can smell the must
i can hear the gentle murmur
but what makes this real
what if this isn't real
what happens when it all goes away
what happens when everything goes away
what happens when i can no longer feel
what happens when my eyes don't see
what happens when everything fades
and even my thoughts go away
what is behind the veil
what is just out of sight
is there anything there at all
is it the void
is it just the void
the blackness behind my eyes
stretching out forever
is this the flashback
before i die
is my life running before my eyes
is everything draining from me
and is there truly mortality
do we truly exist at all
is there a we
or is it just me
alone
with my vivid hallucinations

it could go away so easily
it could be gone

i imagine those chambers
those water chambers
where everything is silent
and the water is the same temperature
as your body
and there is nothing
and you lay in the dark
is that dying
is that what truly exists
or is even that an illusion

is anything real
is anything real

Sometimes
I have to remind myself
That I made a promise
That I am not
In the business of giving up

For all the sleepless nights
Underneath a ceiling
Of plaster stars
For every lonely day
With with only nurses
To keep you company
For every IV
For every EKG
For every single test
And teary eyed sentence
For every scar
For every pill
For every bullet
And every gun
There is someone
In an identical hospital bed
There is someone
Who aches the same

For every heart that breaks
There's another one healing
You are not alone
We are not alone

Sexuality is beautiful
It's the blossom of life
Painted deep beneath the trees
Stretching down past
The roots of our ancestors
But it's not in me
Not in my mind, at least
It's embedded in my bones
I breathe it and I sleep with it
But it does not haunt my dreams
Even when I'm touched
My mind remains wholly detached
Lost in my thoughts
Safe and locked inside my skull

I've never been more happy
To see an unknown
Number call me
The sound of your voice
Is all too familiar
The fact that
I made you laugh
Is worth more
Than gold to me
And at the end of the call
You told me
You loved me
And I said "you too"
Nothing can burst
My glimmering bubble
Of happiness
I'm so glad you called
Please do it again

I need to write you
But I'm scared
I need this to be perfect
Just like your letter
To me
But I'm so far
From perfection
Maybe I just
Don't love you enough
If I loved you enough
You could come home

Cold eyes wither me
Cold mouths touch my skin
Sweet words no longer reach my ears
Am I no longer kin?

Bitter tears streak my face
Midnight gathers on a page
Silence is the only solace
They only battle against the rage

Red runs like water
Blood thick enough to tear us apart
Maybe I’m a daughter
But I do not know their hearts

When I first began
It was just for fun
All face
No eyes
A nightmare
Terror
Picasso portrait
In disguise

Then it really began
To beautify
Liquid layers
Shattered hues
Blacking out
Spaces
In purple
And blue

Enthusiasm wanes
Experiences
Replace passion
With patience
Love for myself
Missing in action
All things breaking
All things fading

Don't look for me
I won't be there
I'll be in the leaves
Of some foreign land
Swimming in the grass and
Drinking up the sunlight

Don't look for me
Or dig up my grave
There will be no body
Just olden bones
I don't live there anymore

Don't look for me
Underground
I'm in the sky now
Sitting in the trees
Doing things

Don't look for me
Anywhere on earth
Don't even search the stars
Truth be told
I never got that far

Don't look for me
I'm too tired to be found

Don't look for me
I've already drowned

It's raining again today
Normally
I fall in love
With the rain
But today
Something is off
Something is different
Something is wrong
Something I cannot place
But it is there
And it wants me gone

Asleep next to me
You seem so at peace
Those frowning lips
Finally relaxed
Your forehead
A smooth canvas
Eyelids balanced closed
With steady breath
I know you
Have a boyfriend
But I still love you
From time to time

If you stare at my ceiling fan
For long enough
It starts to look like
A massive metal flower
I stared for a while
A few minutes
Enough to see my own reflection
In twisting grey petals
The gold rivets
Made themselves at home
Around my pupils
And I've never been the same since
Maybe someday that fan will fall down
And **** me
Hit me over the head
And decapitate me like in a movie
Maybe one day
The fan will fall
And relieve this burden
From us all

Was it too much
To think of myself
As beyond physical attraction?
I guess it was.
I'm not in love.

Dark eyes
Waking slowly
I'd cry if I could
But my best friend
Is dressed like Mothman
Red tinted glasses
Rose is all I see
You ****** Karkat wig
It's a different outfit
But it's all the same to me

Untying my shoes
Is a ritual
Where I bake my cement
And stick my hand in it
Maybe someday
A detective will come
To investigate my death
And find my fingerprints
Trace my blood back
To the bedroom where I sit
Listening to indie music
From my own lungs
Twisted in the sheets
Hanging from the ceiling
Like an athletic
****** angel
And mayhap
If I'm lucky
My body will end up
In some museum
Where lavendar doesn't
Know how to burn
I can read me to sleep
And I'll have witches
In my dreams
They can cast hexes on me
So pedestriannly
I will swing
Like a demon
From your sewing machine
I'll sing at the screening
Like a rogue banshee
When they lay me down
For my eternal sleep
I'll put my fingers up
Just the two
In a farewell salute
Before I'm nailed in
To meet all my new friends
They might eat my eyes
But they're still better than you

This isn't meant
To reach
Their eyes
Nor am I
It's a little
Late now to
Consider
Common courtesy
I might as
Well speak
I've nothing
To lose
But everything
I failed
At failing
That's the worst
Failure of all
And some
Nights I still
Dream that
I'm back
In that hell
But in my
Mind I stay
Behind and
I never
Let him go
But that's
Not the truth
I don't know
Where he is
Or who I am
Just that
This mind
Is empty
Of everything
In a way
Tormented
By the things
I swore
I watched
Fade
It's hard
To say that
I won't let them
Break me
When all that
I want is to
Break and
Break and
Break
Until I'm
Shattered down
To a piece
Of sand
Waiting for a
Wave to take
Me away
When I think
Of home
I think
Of pain
There's no
House without
Blades
There's no
Love without
Shame
I'm falling
Away
From all
My drawings
Sketching
Of ideas
I once thought
I had
I can barely
Step in
The rightest
Direction
When every
Which way
I am faced
With the same
Mistakes
I keep on
Making
Maybe it's
Fate that I'll
Leave like
They didn't
Maybe it's
Best that I
Bow out now
Maybe it's
Will that I
Throw caution
To the wind
And myself
With it
This life
Is a hell
That doesn't
Mean it
Has to be mine

I see you sometimes
In between
Rays of sunlight

You're not unfamiliar
With the shadows
Of things

I don't expect you
To wait for me
I could never ask that

I don't want you
To wait for me
I'll catch up

In time
I'll find you
On the edge of things

Walking these halls
For the very first time
It feels like I've been here
For a hundred years
Unfamiliar faces all blend
Into one high school dropout
One singular name
That I don't want to know
When it starts to snow
I'll pray for ice to crystallize
Around my feet
So I can stay in my bed
And never leave again
I want to weep but
My eyes stay dry
There's a drought in my mind
It's draining away
All that I once was
All that I will be
Who I am today is not
Who I should be

I hate this topic
Because what are friends anyways
Have I ever really had one
I think so
Years ago
But when you start lying to yourself
You can't help
But lie to everybody else
And if no one knows
Who you are
It's hard to have friends
It's hard to go on
Without opening up
But opening up
Is social suicide
When opening up is admitting
That you're not the person
You say you are
Opening up is letting go
Letting go of the person you wanted to be
The person you pretended to be
Opening up means giving your friends
The picture perfect opportunity
To leave you
It's a big old "*******"
Right to their faces
It's basically saying
"I've never told you who I am"
And who knows what they'll think
I can't tell my "friends"
Because I don't want them to leave
I don't want to be alone again
But even if I tell them that
There's no reason for them to believe
I've lied to them before
I'm probably just lying again
And that's the last thing I could take
Making someone believe
That I don't think they're good enough
Not good enough for the truth
Not good enough to see
Who I really am
And in truth all my "friends"
Are so much more than good enough
They're ******* angels
And the reason they can't know
Who I really am
Is because I don't belong here
I don't belong anywhere
Certainly not with them

Will I ever find
What I'm looking for