From you to me
There's ten
Or so degrees
You've a high
Of ninety five
While I'm waiting
For seventy three
I miss you more
Than the weather
Man knows
Does Denver forecast
Me thinking of your glow

She's cute
She has purple hair
She bought a Jesus pen
For some reason
Can't wait to see it
She likes bands
Bands that I actually know
She compliments me
Even though I'm ugly
And she's a witch
Who speaks Spanish

Lie awake for me
Tangle yourself in your sheets and
Think about me
You haven't seen me in three days
It's spring break
I promise you this
I won't text you back
Maybe you believe I hate you
That's okay I just
Need to know what it feels like
To have someone waiting

I hope you can fall in love
With silence because
I love silence more than anything
But not enough to stop you from breaking it
Break it
And I'll break your trust
Take me back
Don't ask me to explain
I won't
I have a warehouse worth
Of second chances

I cry because of you
I'll  let you know but
Don't think you can catch me
You know me well enough to know
I don't open up
But not well enough to know why and
I'll  play my favorite song for you
You'll never know why
It makes me smile
But you'll know
All too well
That it makes me cry
When you aren't around
I know that you think
It's all to do
With you
I'll swear it's not
It is

Flight
Upon a case
Of pure white
Steps
Spiral for miles
Ultimately through darkness
Away from the boxes
Of all things best forgotten
Trials and tribulations
To occupy time
While feet face more steps
In the perilous climb
To the light
Spillage of gold
From the hole
In the ground
Up into a night
A starry ceiling
Black painted sky
With lights trinkling down
This beautiful wallpaper
Of leaves and time

It's a funny thing
Looking back
On a moment
That could've been
The last
It's funny when it
All comes down to
That single second
Where the current
Threatens
To pull you under
And then it lets go
And you can float
Among the broken boards
The damage from
The storm
Drifting in the
Aftermath

Oh darling girl
How I love you so
Your ignorant eyes
Oh how they shine
Your messy hair
Blowing in the wind
With your patchy bangs
Stuck in your face
So full of hopes
Bursting with dreams
Little do you know
They're splitting
All your seams
Your vital lifeline
Only has so
Much time
Someday you will die
And no one
Will remember
Me

You
Are a light
You shine brighter for me
Than any star in the sky
But I don't even know you
And that's okay

You
I picture you under brilliant skies
The stars on your cheeks
Moons in your eyes
I think of you as Jupiter
But really, you're much more

You
You're an ivy lane
Leading to the future
That I only dreamed of
You're sweet like peaches
And salty as the sea

You
You're perfectly beautiful
Yet so flawed
I love you anyways
No wonder you fit perfectly against me
Like a puzzle piece

I don't know if I'm lonely
Or just falling apart
But I'd love to fall apart
In your arms
Your summer hair
Glowing gold and brown
Wild eyes
2:00 AM in your bed
With the window open
Rain outside
Cups of tea in hands
Watching your smile

Your soft lips
A wet caress
Tinged with sweet mint and cigarettes
And something faintly spiced
The softness of your hands on my hips
Your stomach and chest pressed against mine
Breathing into each other
Your heartbeat the only sound I can hear
Domestically in love

Something has changed
Since I last was awake
Sounds are wrong
My pulse is unnerved
My limbs are sitting strangely
The world blurs
As rain twinkles down
Crouching outside
On the edge
Of a field of weeds
I am not wanted
I do not belong
Some space is being taken
By me
That is not mine to take

I know things are bad when I start dreaming about someone.
Not even good dreams,
Just dreams.
Dreams spark things.
Dreams start things.

I'm so lucky
To have a nerd like him
As my unforgiving
Father

I'm so lucky
To have a doll like her
Laying in my
Lap

I'm so lucky
To have an idiot like me
Living in my
Head

I'm so lucky
To have a world like this
To hold me
Up

Warmth
On the edge of a field
That flat grey sky
Slashed through with beams
Of hazy light
Little red flowers
Spreading like a sea of stars
High grass
Dark green fronds
Winding trunks of
Taller trees
Thickets of bracken
And briary bushes
All green
With leaves like teardrops
Sun upon my golden legs
And the sky
Breaking

I don't mind
Traffick in the morning
Raindrops blurring
The stop lights
Into technicolour beads
The paper touch
Of the air conditioning
A butterfly kiss
Landing on my cheek

I’m not saying
That I’m jealous
I just wish
You would look at me
Like you look at her
The way you laugh
And show her your art
And make jokes
That aren’t really fun
That evoke her
Laughter
I would do anything
For that to be me
Sitting side by side
Writing in class
With her looking on
Definitely not jealous

You aren't mine
You are your own
But that doesn't stop me
From calling you darling
In my mind
Because in my mind
You are always my love
You're my dearest
My sweetheart
The loveliest one
And I'll knit you a scarf
With all of my heart
I'll call you at night
And stare at the stars
Someday I'll see you
Even if it hurts
Because loving you is a choice
I will always make

It is strange
How quickly things can change
You were the one
The One
Standing alone
Raindrops in my palm
Entering the Louvre
I was so sure
But my confidence is failing
My eyes no longer
Spring to you
My heart feels nothing
My head feels empty
Why do things change?

The rhythmic tapping
Of children's feet
A heart monitor
Flatlining
Pale broken fingers
On deadened keys
A muted buzz
Mosquitoes hum
The bated ticking
Of a car engine sitting
A haunted melody
Of gasping breath
A heart against a ribcage
The crunching of gravel
Cool water trickling
Leaves whispering
A lone voice singing
Blistering wind

More than just sounds
I feel them now
After darkness
Light is more than colour

I spend too long
Staring into the sun
The flicking tongues
Of radiation
Spilling into space

This isn't a poem
Or a love letter
Maybe a tiny
Apology
But mostly just a note
To the one I adore
Dearest
I'll see you
On the other side
Call me tonight
I'm going to the beach
And I'm going to dig a hole
All the way
To Colorado
To visit you
With sand in my shoes

I guess
I'll walk away
From everything
You never were
To me

All I was
To you
Was second rate
Second choice
Second place

Does it ever really happen?
That illusive miracle
Where two people
Truly love each other?

I wish to live
Deep below the sea
I'll spend my day
Wandering and search
Exploring different
Water ways
Stopping often
To watch the Drowned
Never speaking
Just existing
Never to be found

I won't show my face
To the light of day
Only surface at night
To let the moon
Bathe my skin
Then dip back under
Legs pumped
Hands thrusting
Swimming on

I'll dance around the coral
Followed by dolphins
Switching in and out
Never alone
Yet never too close
No houses
No belongings
Just ocean
And swimming
Legs pumping
Hands thrusting
Never to be found

It doesn't matter
That our eyes didn't meet
When we passed in the hall
That they sat somewhere else
While I looked straight ahead
And laughed too loud
With all their old friends

It doesn't matter
That we only talk when they want to
We flirt in careless circles
If you could even call it that
We hit a rough patch
I should leave you behind
For those that care who I really am

It doesn't matter
That I always end up
Close to crying
I ought to get you out of my mind
But you remembered my birthday
And the pronouns my friend told you
Why did I ruin this
Why did I ruin this

Will you fall in love
With the contents
Of my pages

This is a letter
On what you did to me
How much of me you claimed
A lifetime of things
That nobody deserves
That I got anyway

I'd cast you out
If I really thought you'd go
But you won't
And I'm stuck with you
At least now I know
That this is not my fault
I don't have to go with you
You don't own
A sliver of my soul

You are nothing compared to me
To my blinding vibrancy
I am so much more
That what you -- I -- made me out to be
But at the end of the day
You aren't a part of me
We share the same space
But I will always be human
That's something you'll never be

Truth be told
I don't owe you anything
The hatred you grew in me
I've pulled out like weeds
If a lifetime of maintenance is what I need
Then I will grow my own garden
In place of what you made

Because I am beautiful
I am worthy
I will not live to die
There won't be one more wasted night
Trying to strangle out my life
I am so much more than you
You will never come that close
To winning again
I promise you that

So I'll go to the beach
In that skimpy bikini
While you thrash and writhe
In the back of my mind
Because every second proving you wrong
Is a second more of freedom

And I'll do what I want
I'll wear a dress to prom
Ask out that pretty girl
Face you head on
In the back of a car
With tears streaming down my face
Screaming to myself
That I am worth it
I am strong
I am more than you ever thought I was

This is a letter to you
Spelling out
The end of your reign
The gates have burned down
I'm gone now

One night I was delivered
Birthed from the womb
Of a hospital car
Into a dark room
With a chipped wooden desk
Where I sat to cry
Without light
Without hope
I read the walls
And quieted

"Love you will be okay"
Scrawled above my bed
In jagged strokes
As jagged as the edges
Of my broken mind
Sharp shards that cut me
Loose from my family
Stitched together
Only by the words
Of the walls

Crude were the scratches
That held me together
For so many days
They were borne of the same desperation
That I was
Sometimes, just knowing that
"You are not broken"
Was enough to keep me sane
When the doors screamed
And the moon kept me awake

How many times did I break
Behind thin and lapsing walls
With only the comfort of
"You are enough"
To beat out the chill
Of frosted windows
And Portland rain
With red eyes
And chapped lips
I turned to face the wall

Building up a broken will
Packing bags
With papers
Of a journey not so much travelled but
Fought I laid for the last time
Upon that bed
Taking pencil to plaster
Trying to let them know
"Someday you will read these words for the last time"
"This is not the end"

How have I never
Felt so alone

**** hustling
**** getting the bag and not looking back
**** money before *******, money before love
My lover and I are resting
We’re relaxing
We’re waking up together on a Sunday morning curled up in bed
And laying there,
Letting the day come to us

So **** the eternal grind of the capital machine
If I am to be a cog in the depths of this device
I will make the metal around me
A loving and warm home

I feel like a failure
Because I don't know what to do
Some stories are self deprecating
Most of them, actually
So will you laugh
Or am I just embarrassing

Is my stupid hair
A sign of independence
Or just something else
That makes me different
Am I everything you want
Or everything you dread

Am I a trainwreck
Already in full force
Careening off the tracks
Surrounded by bystanders
I guess it'd be funny
If I wasn't me

I'm okay with being the mess
Playing the disaster
I'm outside of myself
So it doesn't matter
If I play the fool
I'm laughing too

I don't owe you
You don't own me
I don't need to explain myself
I've said my piece
Now move on

I hope you're happy
I don't mean that
In a bitter way
I want you to be happy
I hope she gives you
Everything that I couldn't
I hope she looks past your flaws
Moves past the place where I stopped
I hope you're happy
I hope you're happy

And we are all
Paper weight pangolins
Endangered
In our own ways

Kissing you
Would be a perfect piece of heaven
We have the kind of love angels will cry about
Biblical in nature
Life changing
World turning
You are my bird of paradise
My dove

It’s your lips
And your stomach
And your soft cheeked smile
But it’s your laugh too
So giddy and joyful and carefree
And the way you look at me
The way your eyes flick
To my complexion
Your eyes make me fall in love
Again and again

Laughing and looking and kissing slowly and softly
My darling dearest
I love you so infinitely
Our affection stretches past the stars
Past the bounds of the known universe
Faster than the speed of light, illuminating far away worlds
They will look up
And see a shimmering sky
As we drift through space
Hand in hand
Having forgotten about the rest of the world long ago

You’re loud
And demanding
Sit on my lap then walk away
Knock over the mail and
Laugh at me
You love to make a mess
And sit on my desk
But you refuse
To make yourself at home in my bed
You are strange
Chew on a strand of grass
And stare at the sky
Run my fingers through your hair
Black and soft like velvet
I’ve known you for years
And loved you every one
Brush the back of my hand
Make me smile
You are the best friend
I could ever know
But you will never speak to me
Because you are a cat

Wrapped up
In blanket love
Breathing out the past
And only looking forwards
Opening windows
To let in the spring
Cutting my bangs
So the world can see my face
I'm a whole new girl
I can smile now
There's an anchor now
I'm safe and sound

There's no reason for things to be like this
There's no reason that my heart shakes
There's no reason that I feel this way

But there's also no way
For me to push this down
For me to block this out
As much as I hate it
I miss it

And seeing them their
Upstairs
In long pants
And tube socks
And smocks
And just tubes in general
And the new boy
So nice and shy
I can't help but wish
It wasn't always over

There's no reason for things to be like this

Music is a river
That won't stop flowing
Bear me up
On cascading waves
Rippling notes
Of love and loss
Drown me
In the melancholy
Of a thousand voices
Wash me up
On foreign shores
Make me lighter

I remember when I first met you
It was weeks in
We'd seen each other
A thousand times
But I never really met
The person I thought
Was really you

Lying back
In the parking lot
I watched you go
And you waved for once
You said "thank you"
In sign language
I really think
That's when we fell in love

I remember when I left you
It was last night
I think
I went off on a rant
About Jonestown
You changed the subject
And then hung up
I cried for it a bit
And let myself mope
Then I picked myself up
Because there was nothing left to do

I loved you
And you loved me
Perhaps you still do
But we are not lovers
We never will be
I'm sure we'll talk again
Probably pretty soon
That's what ***** teenagers do

My point is this
You are not my love
You are not monumental
To me, at least
We will each find someone
Who will leave us weak
But that isn't you
And it sure isn't me

You are no longer
The stranger I'm in love with
You're just a stranger

I'll watch them
Appreciate them from afar
To tell them my feelings
Would be ridiculous
Because I am not in love
I probably never will be

I'll watch them
Their blue grey hair
Their blue green eyes
I might got lost
When they're locked on mine
But I know full well
And I keep it to myself
That it doesn't mean a thing

I'll watch them
The painting behind my eyes
The first thing I see
The last before I fall asleep at night
Fondly sketched
Tattooed into my spine
But nothing here is permanent
And they'll die after a while

I'll watch them
Take in the scent
Of every breath
I'll sit quietly
Unmindfully
While the earth continues to turn
While their hair grows out
While I become stone

Will nothing
Be the same
With uncontented
Clouds and
A cat on my lap
Breaking down
The same old way

In a different reality
My family isn't happy
Not to say that
It is now, really
But the occasional
Shared smile
Wouldn't happen very
Often since
There would be
Nobody there
To share it

Hey.
I don't know you but
I'd love to make your acquaintance
Standing in the rain
So I can finally
See the sun

Hi.
Nice to meet you but
Something's tearing up my insides
Teasing white lies
About how I'll
Do it wrong with you

Hello.
I'd love to be
Happy in your eyes
Savvy in your smile
Never saying goodbye
To your face in my mirror

Darling, I have
Almost no hobbies
I tried to
**** myself
Once or thrice
But nothing ever
Came of it
I'm really just
Oh so boring
I read all day
And not what they
Want, oh no
I'm a travesty
To look at
A senseless tragedy
That's all I'll
Ever be
I'm too fond
Of overt manipulation
But darling
That will never
Stop you
From telling me
Who I really am
A mighty brainless
***** of sorts
And I'll never
Touch a man
A girl's only so
If she never sweats
And the only
Thing out there
Is an abusive
Husband
Love you're breaking
All the boundaries
You knit and
You sew and
You bake a cake
But don't touch
A crumb
You're smart
And you read
You'll soon be off
To university
Really just incredibly
Wildly exceptional
And for you
Opinions, well
Whoever said
That sexism
Is dead
Has obviously
Never met you

****
I'm sick
And you're with her
And I'm with me
He moved
Or maybe I did
I'm not quite sure
What Spanish has to do with this
Lost in thoughts
Half dream
Half reality
Doing my best
Not to obsess or
Fall apart
In my tiny corner
Wiping my nose
Roaming the halls
In my mind
Desperate for anything
But especially you

It's truly a bit
Ridiculous
That I still miss him
So long gone
Might as well be dead
In a hospital bed
But I hope to God
In whom I have no faith
That he'll call me someday
And everything
Will be okay

I hate you when you're laughing
Because you're not laughing
With me
That isn't fair
Life isn't fair
That's why you're
Over there and
Not looking at me
Jealousy
Is disgusting
And I'm full of it
I guess it's best
That I stink alone
And forget about the good times
Picking out music
Awkward compliments
Smiling through
A water glass
Nothing lasts
I'm hyper-dramatic

I hope you enjoy
Life without me
Because I am done writing
All these love notes
I am done with all these ****** poems
I am done with your no answers
And your "misunderstandings"
And your cute quirks
Like never apologizing
And overdramatizing
And victim blaming
Self deprecating
Body shaming
Overt manipulation
I am done with looking at you
Across the room
Hoping you'll look back
I know you won't and
I don't want you to
I hope you like
Your own medicine
Because I've cut you out of my life
Now you don't mean anything

Just because
You take precautions
Doesn't mean
I won't break

Can't stop feeling like I lost something
Every time this song comes on
Pounding through my eardrums
To the place in my head
Where a thirteen year old still remains

The worms and the freaks
Ripped up sheets
Of notebook paper scrawl
Drawing suicides and broken hearts
On my binders and my arm
Thinking about lost kisses
But not lost for me

Nights that lasted forever
Blaring music in my bed
Writing scars and mascara tears
With a plain face
Not old enough to wear makeup yet

Misery is the most frequent company
But not my closest friend
Melanie Martinez rock version nightcore
In the back of last period
Scattered colored pencils
And shared wicked smiles
We were thirteen and thought we were evil
Thought we knew everything

where are you
where are the questions
is there anyone out there
who doesn't know
what is truly real
perhaps there is
and perhaps there isn't
maybe i'll read a poem someday
a poem that reminds me
of
well

me

but maybe that will just be my own thoughts
reflecting into the ether
either way
i want to know
if there is someone else out there

i have an image
of this world
there are two of us
only two
who exist on the same plane
maybe we all exist
on different planes
maybe we're soulmates
the two of us
alone on this plane
maybe i'll find you someday
and if i don't
then i will know
that i have always been alone

The only person
I wanted to see today
Isn't even here
So I'll just sit
Do my work
Let the minutes
Pass like moths
Fluttering to the light