Honeysuckle and vinegar
Sweet and scalding
Heady in my throat
Staining your aftertaste
On the inside of my cheek

I can't stop thinking
Resting my head
Against your side
As you stand
Drinking in my scent

We're like honeysuckle and vinegar

I still love you
In all of my indifference
And the time that I have spent floating
When you don't so much
As cross my mind
You're still alive
Living in my lungs
Stealing all my
Oxygen

It's raining today
Everyone stands
With their black umbrellas
Opened wide
To catch the sky

Soft music played
Inside the funeral home
It echoes in their ears
Old lyrics scattered
To the beat of the rain

The ceremony was short
The coffin was not open
There were no deformities
But the mother couldn't bear
To see the body

The tombstone is small
Simply carved
No one quite knew what to say
So all it reads is
Gone but never forgotten

That's funny
Considering who I was

What if I
Was just a girl
An innocent thing
Golden hair
In streaming ringlets
Everything that you think
When you think of that girl
That perfect girl
So quiet and demure
Yet so full of life
Why
If I was just a girl
I think I'd go
Away
To
Die

What does it mean
To still be here, living with trees
Tapping at the windows
It's almost like they're asking
What we think we're doing

Waking up on air mattresses
Drinking instant coffee while
Outside, birds will fall
In this twisted dream
A toxic slew of memories

Remember the back of the class
Listening to seventeen covers
Of "Kissing in Cars" and
Going through every last
Tear stained inch of you

Remember the grass beneath my feet
Before you ever knew about me
The school shootings, the rain
Kids crying in the parking lot
Phoning parents, trying not to be afraid

You're the only person I've ever seen
At midnight in an overcrowded kitchen
Leaned against a counter
Like you know where you belong
That night, I saw stars behind your eyes
I don't want to grow up anymore

I want to be buried
Next to the unmarked grave
In my town's small cemetery
Next to the football stadium
The grave that nobody notices
The grave I sat beside
So many times
The grave I collected flowers for
Not a beautiful bouquet
Bought at a shop
But fallen blossoms
Pale and delicate
That littered the ground
Beneath the flowering trees
I wiped away the moss
And the wind caked dirt
To reveal the slab of stone
The grave that only read
Unnamed

Pick yourself up off the ground and find another quiet place to cry.
The crying isn't the problem; it's the people who see you.

Bury yourself old novels.

Go to therapy and order coffee afterwards,
But always go through the drive-thru.
You can't let them see you fully.

Take your medicine instead of stockpiling pills like a suicidal squirrel.
Attempts won't get you anywhere, you know you're too afraid to die.

Make some friends and fall in love with all of them.
Know that they will never love you back but do it anyways.
If someone tells you you mean something, they're lying.
That's what happens when you're sad.
People pity you.
The last thing you need is pity.

Sometimes
I wish one of us would die
Just to end this mess
To let my hair grow out
To become someone else
Again

Maybe
If I write you
Enough poems
And send you
Enough texts
About the stupid
Dreams I have
And send you
Enough pictures
Of alpacas and
My pets
If I let you
Know through
Online poems how
Much you really mean
You'll come
Back home
And call me
That night
And we can
Meet up at
A ****** movie
Theater
Watch that new
Horror movie
Walk down to
A park and sit
And talk about
Our lives
You can show me
Khoshekh and
I'll show you
My new bangs
I know that
Will never happen
But I'll still
Dream it anyways
I know I'll
Never love you
And I know I'll
Never see you
But the world is
Getting colder
My faith is
Slowly dying
But I'm not
Giving up on you
Like they
Gave up on me
Love
I'll keep on
Trying

She is the best thing
My mind can see
Long amethyst waves
An unscarred wrist
Talking sometimes
I can hear her voice
In silent letters
Through the phone
And now what she is
Is a beautiful presence
A lovely evanescence
That sleeps with me
And guides my dreams
From miles away
With her blender fish tank
Someday I fear
All that she will be
Is a ghost of a dream
Forever lost to me

This will be the year
Of all of my mistakes
These walls will fall
With my dignity
I'm a disaster
Exploding in slow motion
Can't make up my mind
Can't make up anything
Crashing like a train
Derailing swiftly
Giving out my number
******* myself
To the whole city
This chaos knows
Nothing of mercy
My blind eyes know
Nothing of the truth
Just this downward spiral
The desecration
Of my troubled youth

Please write back
I can't save you
Until Wednesday
But please write
I still have dreams
About seeing you
Sometimes
And it breaks me
I saw you last night
At a Panic! concert
You were hurting
Even there
My mind is reaching out
But I don't think
I can reach you
This time
It's been thirteen days
And I swear
I'll never stop thinking
About your purple hair
And your bands tees
All the reasons
I gave you my number
To begin with
I want to sing to you
With my awful voice
To make you laugh
To draw on your hand
Is all I need
You're beautiful
And funny
And I'm nothing
If not a cliche
I guess that's okay
As long as you are
Still with me somewhere

Drawing flowers
Foxglove and
Red stained hearts
Bleeding out
On the pavement
Sending kisses
Over the phone
Texting like
Wildflowers
Popping up
In the darkness
Of my mind

You are the one
Breathe red and gold
Into my lungs
Dust
From a thousand stars
Falling prettily
On your hair

Grass
Green as those eyes
Too aggressive
Yet shy
Playing chicken
In the sun
Burning up

Forest fires
Clumsy hands
Subtlety
Was never your style
I was
Though
I was

I'm not afraid anymore
Ever since you told me
It is not weak to cry
Something opened up
Inside of me
A void finally
Touched by light

Sing me to sleep
In this heartbreak summer
Drown me in the spring
Where we clung to each other
Winter in my bedroom
Blankets pulled up to smother
On the one night a year
That we pretend we are lovers

The morning air
Seeping in through open windows
Settles a chill in my bones
Goose flesh
Dots my legs
And pasty cheeks
My finger tips pulsate
With the numb
The tip of my nose
Is stained cherry pink
While my nails turn blue
And my mind stop turning
Freezing over slowing
In that harsh, morning air

Ever think about that quote,
"Real eyes realize real lies"
?

I guess my eyes are fake then
Because I never saw this coming

My eyes, they weep, from bitter wings of fear
My fate is sealed by torture with no end
My soul, it cries, from icy streaming tears
The angels cry but no good luck they send

My will, it breaks, with harsh and brutal steps
My ears, they bleed, as I witness conceit
My back, it aches, from dread and hate I've kept
The demons shriek but give they no replete

Test fire and heat, as I journey through hell
Hold my head high and sing a battle song
The force I seek, all fear it shall dispel
With one fair cleave, I sever right and wrong

My fevered foe no longer posing  threat
So long, goodbye, none mourn the great sonnet

Lately
I've been detached
Anxious but so
Unaffected
By everything around

And strangely
I'm not emotional
Numb and sometimes
So content
Just drifting in the wind

So plainly
I'm not quite depressed
Just obsessed with
The apathy
That's draining me

Lately
I've been on my own
Ending up alone in
Cemeteries
Looking for my name

I took a bath earlier
I didn't think about you
I read for a while
I laughed
I hit my head on a space heater
And I didn't think about you
But now I am
And I'm sick with you
It took me ten days
To figure it out
That I can't wait
To forget about you

If going to the park
At three in the morning to get ******
And talk about what we do and don't know
Is a waste of time
I'll gladly waste away my life

If running barefoot
In the construction lot
Behind the local cemetery
Is no way to make friends
Well
I suppose I'll have to risk it

If loving while I can
Unashamed
With no makeup on
Won't get me anywhere
I guess I'll stay
Right where I am

If dropping out of college
And moving to New Jersey
Because my girlfriend is a wildfire
And I don't mind the burning
Is a stupid way to live my life
Well
I guess

It looks like I
Am set to waste my time
And hang around
With the exactly wrong crowd
And dance in the rain
In the same old parking lot

Perhaps in your eyes
I am a waste of life
Another burned out youth
Old by seventeen and
Tattered in a trailer park

Build your life
Make your connections
Keep waiting for life
To come to you
And when you die
In your socially acceptable town

Me and my friends
Will be long dead
Rotting away
In the very same place
When the gods die
And the world rusts
We will not be remembered as the ones who changed the world
We won't be remembered at all
We will simply be the ones
Who danced while they could
Who ran out in the weather
When everyone else stayed inside
We will be the ones who loved the most
And fell the farthest
We will have learned all there is to know
All the lessons of a cruel world
We will die unspectacularly
We will have raging two person parties
We will die with heads full of memories
From dreams we chased like wrathes
We will be the ones who did not sit and wait
And in the end
We will always be the fortunate ones

I love me
Because I'm weird
And I'm not worried
If they care
If I tease my hair
I'm not alone anymore
I've got my goths
I'm got my needs
And my occasional jocks
I have my emo girlfriend
I have my support
I have music
And I don't have God
And I'll live how I want
So **** them all

Oh early morning dream
Who's going to stop me
From bending down
And throwing out
All the things
That got me this far
I know it's never worth it
And my mind
Doesn't know what's right
But minds can be so deceiving
Especially mine

Can I be outside
Trapped in a toilet chamber
Alone
And it's funny
To everyone but me
Nobody knows
I guess it's not funny at all

I don't like to be alone
I'm scared of people
And I'm wondering
Who locked the door on humanity
When I was still outside
Lost in this garden
Smelling the roses

I'll knock but there will be no answer
See my people through portholes
Pray for someone else who
Likes nighttime walks
And midnight talks
To come outside
And see me for once

Sit back down on my throne
Hunch over
Resign myself to being alone
I scream into the void
Of the night to no answer
There is no hope in opening a door
That I locked myself

Drowning
Even before the floodgates
Break
Pulled to the bottom
By an infinite weight
I'll never be able to lift it
All I can do
All any of us can do
Is wait

Because someday
These clouds will fade
The sky will clear
I'll feel the sun on my face
And it will be more
Than worth the wait

I'll hold my breath
Until the end of time
If it means that I
Will witness the stars
I'll fall apart
A thousands times
Just so I
Can someday be whole
And I will be
We will be
Just wait

Because someday
When the sun comes through
And the light breaks our bodies
We will rise
We will soar
Higher than birds
Seeing it all
For the first time
We'll finally fly

All it takes
Is the will to survive
And we will
Just wait

She’s beautiful

Hold her through right and wrong
All I see is my reflection
Turn up the music
Open a new tab
What have I given to her?
My love
Don’t waste away

Heat pulsates
Skin burns with shame
I am a fire

Does nobody hear her?
How dare they call themselves
Lovers

She’s beautiful
Cast my eyes down
Staring at chipped nails and cold hands
Numb days turning into moonlit nights
Screaming
Screaming
Screaming for no one

Iron cast
She will not bend
To see her
Pale and prone
Needles and paper shackles
Reoccurring nightmares
Nobody deserves that
To come so close to dying
That would be to lose her

Tears behind glasses
Blown off the road
Sad songs and backstories
Lost

She’s beautiful
This disorder will eat her alive
And I’m scared
Because this is my fault
And I cannot save her
This time

There is no ledge
Just thoughts
To see the day
That her beauty fades
And her eyes are hollow
And jade
That is to lose her

Please come home

I never not ache like this
The back of my mind is
Ringing like a church bell
The somber sound of
A drizzling day's funeral

It didn't snow this year
I'm not sad
Just a little numb
And a trifle stunned
The hours pass too swiftly
Pounding past me
On elephant's feet
And it's a shame
That he's spending this evening alone
It's a shame that she
Still thinks we're in love
It's a shame that they
Are drinking with friends
Instead of going to bed
Like they should be

It’s crazy to say
That I once believed in God
He seemed so real to me
What happened?
Did I fall
From imaginary grace?
Was something there
At all?
Searching for answers
Imbedded in my skin
All I find
In the lines
Are more questions

Someday, I won't remember this
Sitting in a bedroom
With only the Christmas lights on
On a half-baked winter solstice
In week old sweatpants
Faded hair and muscles sore
My vision blurring
Pixelating
Focused only on the screen
I won't remember this
No one will

I'm writing this
From the top of the hill
Black berries in my palm
Thinking of you
Maybe you'll think of me
Up in your room
Barred off from the world
A twisted fairytale
But we aren't Rapunzel
We aren't Disney quality
Who wants a homoflexible prince
And a purple haired queen
Besides your hair
Isn't quite that long
And I don't own a horse
But I do have some letters from you
And you have some from me
Maybe I'll travel around today
And see if you got back to me
I hope you did because I miss
Everything about you dear
I hope you might just
Think of me sometimes
When times get tough
And words aren't enough
I can be your rock to hold you up
And I can be you anchor
To keep you grounded
You can be my muse
The subject of all my dreams
We can be a lot of things
Rapunzel is not one of them

Piercing
Shattering
Sapphire doesn't
Come close to touching it
Ice white
Glaciers
Winter skies
Reflected in the ocean
Pale
Frayed threads
On the edge of a sweater
The faintest
Water colour
Dash of night
On a page

*******
Seriously
****
You
*******
******* for everything you did
******* for leaving me to die
******* for turning me against
My own best friend
******* for leaving me
With all these scars
And mental problems
*******
Because I can't technically blame you
For anything
******* for telling stories
For saying that you
Liked me back
******* for answering
******* for saying that you cared
You never ******* cared
All you did was lie
And for once I am not to blame for that
All I was
Was ignorant
I didn't know
You were going to manipulate me
And her
You ****** us over
Together
So *******
For all the days I spent
Crying in the counselor's office
Too scared to show my face
******* for being the class clown
******* for being so nonchalant
******* for daring to say that you would miss me
When you saw my arms
And all the pills
I sent you pictures
You *******
And you texted everyone
Oh yes
What great gossip
She's going to **** herself
Wow
Wasn't that just the biggest news
And yet you couldn't care less
Because it was
My choice in the end
So ****
You
*******
And **** me too
I guess
Because at the end of the day
This will never stop
Being my fault

The weather has gone back
To pretending to be a tsunami
And my heads filled up
By all the grey clouds
It's not that bad, though
Because the magnets on my fridge
Keep spelling out love letters
The taps on my wall
Are to the tune of
I'm in love with you
And all the voices in my head
Want me hitched, not dead
The shadow in the corner
Is down on one knee
And the Grim Reaper
Keeps bringing me bouquets
So who needs a girlfriend
When the undead wants me?

That's what I see
When I see you
Us up on a hill
Touching the moon

That's what I see
When I look at the sky
A fiery light that I'll
Find in your eyes

Clear blue skies so wide
They might suffocate me
Sunlight like knives
Piercing my skin
Making me wonder
Why I should even try

It's morning
I'm mourning
The person
I used to be
That's stupid
Really
Because she
She was the worst
Never put
Others first
Hurt herself
Along with
Everybody else
But she was me
And she was
Something closer
To pretty
And she was mean
But she was
Something I'll
Never be

Breathing out smoke
Into frigid air
Burning scars
Into my skin
Rubbing in the honey
To cement the makes
Staring at the sky
Middle of the night
Tracing constellations
Of words never said
Trying to reach the moon
With a broken pen
These words are meaningless

I want to lay down
In a bed of flowers
Walk into the woods
Dig into the earth, barefoot
I want to lay down
And see the trees
Reaching out their arms
Sheltering me
Let my body still
Blossoms tickling my cheeks

I'm still learning
Learning to be loved
Learning to be beautiful
Learning to watch the blood
Dripping from my ceiling
And recognize it
As just a dream
Learning to be kind
Learning to be pure
Learning to shower three times a week
Learning that I
Am a creature of the night
Learning that the moon is beautiful
And darkness is my friend
Learning how to sleep
And learning how to dream
Learning that dreams
Are the only way we truly see

How did it feel
When you turned around
Rain chafing off your umbrella
Shiny shoes tapping on wet pavement

How did it feel
When you turned and walked away
Did it feel like cinema
Did you feel like a masterpiece
Never looking back on me

What is beyond death
When I don't believe in God
I know my body
Will be buried
Or burned away to nothing
And that's okay
But what happens to me
What happens to the person
Who loves with blue flames
Where does she go
When the sun sets
And all is quiet and calm
If there is a hell
I'm probably headed there
But I don't think
That there is
Perhaps I'll roam the universe
I can touch down on planets
And stars afar
Maybe I'll be reborn
If that's the case
Then end my term
Eternal life on earth
Seems like a chore
I don't want to live forever
I don't want to be here
When nations burn
I refuse to bear witness
To another century turn
And someday I will die
And I am so afraid
To let my conscience go
And fly into the void
Because deep down I know
What happens when we die
We are gone
Like smoke into the night
The thing that makes us human
Is furthest from physical
So when my body dies
My mind won't have
Anywhere to go
I don't want to be snuffed out
Like a burned down candle
And oh I know
That it won't be my choice
Maybe that's why
I've tried to end it all
I want to live
On my own terms
But the world
Has never been under my control
In a world where we die
So my only hope
Is that I can live my life
With the time I have left
But what's the point of living
When we all live to die

There is a cold tingle upon my spine
Cold hands wrapped around my feet
The sun I see is a harsh line
On wooden panels
Perhaps I should go back to sleep

The clock strikes a weary noon
Silence meets my wake
Eyes open to the same old room
Chained by indifference
Different days spent standing in place

Beneath my sheets I stir and twist
Eyes flicker with dreams
My mind grasps me with an iron fist
Trapping my physical form
And tearing at all of my seams

I miss walking to your car
Wildly undressed
For the weather
As always
Yet radiant in the snow
Always scanning the backs of cars
For your Illinois plate
Reminded every time
That you’re a city kid
Probably much too cool for me

You step outside your car
Even though it’s cold
And you’re stepping into slush
The crud that cakes up in the parking lot
I miss seeing your face
That catlike smile
As I speed walk across asphalt
Smiling myself
Hard enough to make my cheeks sore
But there’s not a care in the world
When I crash into your arms

The air is cold but you are warm
My heart gets wrapped up
In a tight cocoon of you
Then we break and you say
We should get in your car
It’s cold and I left my coat again
Then I’m in your passenger seat
You’re offering me matcha candy
Or maybe just looking at me
With those bedroom eyes
Dark behind your glasses
Yet lit up all the same

I miss that sweet first kiss
The soft heat of your lips
Pressed up against mine
Gentle and hungry
A restrained fever of want
Given away by your hand on my cheek
Thumb tracing across my lips when you pull back
Gazing at me like I’m something
To be savored
Cherished and mouthed at
The tender want in your eyes
That I miss
The moment you look away

I'm cold
When the rain comes
But I'll be colder
When it goes
For now I exist
Is the foggy distance
Where the sun never shines
And the music
Never stops playing
And I can never rest
My aching bones
My freezing toes
My red stained nose
There's somewhere in my mind
Where I'm well aware
That this is suicide
But I'm young
And the rain has come
Maybe when it goes
I'll be older
Colder

Laying in bed
The heater set to 65
Cat on my lap and the door cracked open
Browsing online
Watching ****** youtube videos
on r/maliciouscompliance
Things could be worse
Things could be so much worse

Crazy good friends
Come as a black
Haired girl
A wheelchair boy
A tall slim smile
Pink hair
And balloon shreds
Popped out
On the deck
Running down the halls
Laughing until sides stop
French words faded
Next week
Too far away
Five weeks later
Still sitting
And dreaming
Curled up on
A leather couch
Under blankets
Over life
Dripping in slime
Dancing in their eyes
A group of crazy good friends
Waiting outside

Like coffee
You taste bitter on my tongue
Slightly sweetened
By the glaze of your eyes
When you wet your lips
And press them to mine

My favorite kind of song
Is not the lazy love ballads
It's the crashing ones
The catastrophic ones
The ones with the voices
Crooning gently
To whispered guitar
Before the solo hits
And you drive off the bridge
And crash your car