The more I try not to think about you
About us
About what we could've been
The more I realise that I should never have given you up.
For nothing and no one. Jesus, you know me better than I know myself
My kinks and quirks and how I take my coffee
I know you too darling. I know how you prefer sunsets to sunrises and I know that you can't stand how I take my coffee. I know about the hurt you've endured and the scars you got along the way, just as you know mine. God, you're golden to me, fluorescent and completely enchanting.
And you're not even mine

Words will not roll from my tongue
Like waves against the shore
They will tumble and collapse
Breaking, like rocks on a cliff
And I will shut my eyes
Before anyone sees them fill
With the tides of a thousand seasons
I will hold back the flood water
And I will smile like the sun smiles
Down to the flowers below
And they smile back
Waving and swaying in the breeze
Laughing and giddy at their freedom
And these tides will stay
Encased behind my eyes
And no one
Not the sun, the flowers, not even
The moon
Will know what I have done
To keep these storms at bay.

Maybe its me
Maybe it hasn't been everyone else
This entire time
Maybe I am just not enough
And that is why
The people I care so deeply for
Find others to wrap
In their arms at night
Maybe its me
Maybe thats why I have to find out
From strangers
I am simply
Not
Enough

Our prayers fall flat and hollow
Shouting into a void that cannot hear us
We are raging at the night, the dead light
Fury, always fury towards finality

Waves that beach us on sand
Then drag us back under riptides
And we scream and swallow salt water
Still screaming while our lungs fill

Fists pounding on glass doors
Always looking into mirrored rooms
We see the destruction, fire tombs,
Apocalyptic visage only you see

Closed doors. And now empty beds
The wasted town sleeping restless
Fitful dreams of Reapers amongst men
The cold loving embrace of Death's gentle caress

Our prayers fall flat and hollow
We may never recover.

11:11
I close my eyes
And as I do
Every night
I wish
To be far away
I wish
And I pray
And I bargain
And beg

11:12
I am still
Right
Here.

The words bubbled up
from my throat
like a stream
that could not stop
flowing
"i adore you"
with a silence
stretching for miles
he looked back at me
and i was ready to run
like a rabbit in the road
wavering between the
bright headlights
of the oncoming traffic
or the dark that was so close

---

"as i adore you"
it was like the sun rose
at that moment
and he was it, he was both
the brightness and the comforting
darkness and i could drown
happily
in it all.

There is a thirst in my heart that i cannot quench. The thirst for more
More love, more knowledge, more hope, more life. I am hollow inside despite the butterflies in my stomach and the stardust in my veins, I could swallow the universe and still be hungry I am broken and lost but there are maps on my eyelids and my heart is a compass i am learning to control. I will be swept away with every prominent wind and i will fall into oceans looking for that perfect grain of sand. I am not obsessed with perfection I am looking for you, under every rock and in every blade of grass, even in the roots of the trees that  were already here when the earth was new, i am searching and searching and i cannot find you. So i will stay here amidst the stars and hope that soon you will look up to the constellations and you will find me.

I managed to get you out
Of my fickle little bloodstream
But you are, and always will be
Right there
Under
My
Skin

The worst thing
about losing you
wasn't the fact that
I had lost someone I loved
(though that was an awful ordeal, too)
it was that
I lost my best friend
I lost the person I could confide in,
cry to; cry about
the strings holding me together
came loose and unraveled
as you walked out of my life
and into hers
I have great friends, yes
but none quite like you
Alas, you're gone now
and the hole you left
may be filled in time
by new friends
who won't leave
without warning
who won't leave
at all.

Hands on the steering wheel
normal day, normal life
I'm not smiling but I'm not crying either
normal, normal,
nothing out of place
then my hands tighten
as the car swerves to the side
I've lost control
On the open road
driving, driving, driving
SLAM
the car flips
Collision, collision
but what with?
Nothing out here on this road
just me, just driving
Now I am laying on the ground
blood pouring from my wounds
the burning wreckage to my right
and Death standing to my left
looking at me with hollow eyes
that were somehow piteous
You lost control he says
And I did, I did
The car's a mess
I can't go home now
So I take Death's outstretched hand
And we walk this road together
lonely road, lonely road
a straight road with nothing but dust and gravel
I lost control, I lost control

Concept: I have spent two days laying in bed, in the dark, I awaken today and decide to leave the confines of my room. The sun is shining. Everything is warm.

I am sorry, so sorry
To have hurt you like this
I wish my life were brighter
So that I would not be so afraid
Of letting you become a part of it
But life for me is a scorching desert
That would put hell's brightest embers to shame
And my heart is crippled and bleeding
From what he did to me
I have been shattered into so many shards
I cannot let you come any closer
Lest you cut yourself on my broken pieces.

Every moon that has ever bloomed
Upon the night sky
Settles itself neatly into my palm
And is swallowed,
Eclipsing my throat
Tasting like pearling drops of fine wine
And I am filled with it’s brightness
I have nights erupting inside of me
Within the belly of myself there is a cosmos
Awakening
Rebirthing my heart and it’s every beat
Stars collapsing under my tongue
So that each word I speak to you now
May hold some of the skies’ beauty,
Galaxies in the swell of my chest
Swirling as dancers do in the arms
Of my own steady pulse
I await it’s grace to pass to me
So that my cluttering movements are instead
Languid, and slow
Charming in all the ways I am not
How I am learning to burn brightly
To spin wildly and wantonly
To exist in the sweet swooping of Saturn’s rings
May you look at me and find
Every comet that has been kissed with wishes
May you find the heat of sunlight in my heavy breath
Between my lips I hold stars
And I give them to you, a gift
If the moon inside of me can pull the tides inside of you
Then stay, be held, let the dark blanket around us
Look at the universe you are making of me

Into an empty field she cried it
no witnesses but wheat and wind
hand ****** at her breast
voice cracking and hoarse

"I am more than a dream"

the sky a blush above her
dawn, a distant fond memory
bathed in gold light
her lilting voice, softer now

"I am more than this hope,
this reckless want"

shushed gently by the grass
against her trembling knees
she sinks slowly into the earth
murmers kindly to her own soul

"I'm more than this. I have to be"

The sky no longer rose hued
Breeze whispering through her hair
Night falls, and with it
an ember of the sun flickers out

Most days, i don't know who the victim is
me, for swallowing lies like salt water?
gulping and gasping and choking
but still adamant in my belief of him, of us
was i wrong to overlook his angry love?
probably.
but him, with his blue eyes filled with pain,
could i ever truly blame him
knowing that the promises i made him
were sticky and sweet and un-keepable?
was he wrong for clipping my wings
even when i was happy to be earthbound?
probably.

who is the true victim in this circumstance?
who feels the most shame?
the crippled bird, unable to remember who she was
or the boy who broke her, and in doing so, broke himself.

Once upon a time, when the world was a feeble and wild drop in the ocean of space, a small crack was opened in the universe. Through that crack fell a great Bear, and she was magnificent, fur mottled blue with the constellations trapped in her skin. Her steps shook the earth as she traveled, seeking a place of great peace, upon this speckled planet that was scarcely bigger than herself. Laying down beside a mountain, with thunder in her voice, she birthed three cubs, bright as comets. To her first cub, Rainin, she said 'you, my son, shall inherit the sky, bring it sunlight and storms and lay blankets of snow upon this land, you will be vast and endless for all time'. To her second son, Seuro, she spoke 'and you child, will inherit the sea, from an island peak you shall rule the roiling waves, bring tides and calm to the waters, you will herald the first age of all things'. And lastly, to her daughter, who was sun-bright and borne of stars, she told her 'Maidah, you will inherit the Great Plains and the green grasses of this earth, break the mold of it and shake it, but also bring rise to mountains that reach your brother in his clouded domain, and tear in two the plates of the sea from beneath your brother's feet. With your breath you will bring life from soil to seed, and you will be queen to all that walks and breathes upon the ground. This, to you, is my last gift'. And the great bear who passed through a rift in the universe, having gifted her children, sunk deep beneath the mountain into endless sleep. Still, she slumbers, and her children shake and shape what she has given, until they join her in morpheus' domain when their world is dust and the well of creation has dried. They will sleep peaceful under mountains, their great paw prints everlasting as they let that which they have shaped greet its own sleep, its own death, yet the stars will remember them,
and this too, is a gift.

You died and left me with a rotten present
The car you stepped in front of
took more than your life
it took everything I lived for
And I tried to join you in heaven
When they asked me why
I just said that I felt closer to you
when I was dying
Than I ever did in life
I've been writing poems about you lately
About that day, and what happened
but in the end you make it home
So I guess you wouldn't like them.

Concept: White teeth gleam against smiling mouth, laughter drifting like dandelion seeds on the wind. Burnished eyes crinkled and brilliant against the sun. Two hands intertwined and a sky radiant behind them, two hearts alit in weightless chests, red and lustrous.
The light is everywhere.

I dream about so many
far off places
exotic landscapes,
wild animals,
so many sights to see
never enough time
I want to leave
as soon as I can
get away from this,
the polluting air
and polluting people
I have dreams
so much bigger
than this town.

Everything is so sweetly awful
I am sad for the dead and I am sad
For the living
It is so dark now with the sadness of people
We are the sickest of the breed;
Here you see this sky
This bridge
Empty spaces where people should be
Each mans hell is in a different place,
A circus of cheap and petty emotions
Threatening suicide in Deaths waiting room
Its not a nice world, we are all doomed!
But please have some cheer
There was never meant to be any clarity
The gods play no favourites
And the price of creation
Is never too high

Whatever took him away from us
be it Gods or the Universe
i pray you, give him back
My mother told me how they used to dance
to old records, drinking coffee
from stained cups
she told me of the light that he brought
into a room and into her life
and the light that faded
when he was ripped from us
She told me how he loved us,
me, my twin and even a daughter not his
she told me that he loved us
and i never got the chance
to let him know i loved him also
so i pray you, Gods, and the Universe
please bring us back my father
bring us back a loving husband
and a kind and adored friend
bring him *home.

And it hurts
Because there are people
In my life
Who are toxic
And they make me
Feel ill
And sad
But I cannot leave them
Because they are hurting too
And so if I go
I become their poison.
(Even if I was dying first)

I don't write well
I write crookedly and
disjointedly
and
my words do not always
make sense to any but me
but I write
and the pain in me
spills and becomes something real
some constructive
and unlike that terrible reality
of blood in the bathtub
I create I create I create
I don't write well
but I am writing something
at least.

It always starts and ends like this
You with your small death
And my killing kiss
The inertia of planets and gravity’s sway
I orbit around you
And you dance away
My nightmare, my haunting
My trespassing ghost
I beg for your touch
Like a too-willing host
The stars fall to Earth
Like knives to the flesh
My meteorite king
Know that I loved you best

It is currently 1:13 am
I have tears on my pillow
From remembering you

                                   *I am not okay

Today I learnt that as humans we need 8 positive touches every day to function properly, and I recalled that I barely even hug my own mother anymore. No pat on the head well done or a hand to hold
****
How do I explain to the teachers at school that the reason I don't do my homework is because I feel like I'm losing my ******* mind and all I can think about is relapse and then being strong for those I love
******* hell what is a life without purpose? What's my purpose? Who am I ? Where am I going? Who will I be? Who the hell has these answers because they're not in any textbook nor poem I just want to ******* sleep.
I don't even dream anymore.

I saw it then
The pain that was woven
In the very tapestries
Of her heart
I knew that,
At the final call
As the curtains drew
The applause would be
Defeaning
And the grief
Would shatter the world.

you're filling the spaces
between my fingers
where his hands
used to reside
and i see your smile
instead of his
when i close my eyes
i dont know if this will last
(I hope it will)
but i do know
that you make me happy
and i can't thank you enough
for that

When Eve plucked golden apple
From supple branch
Her lip curled in sly smile
As Adam looked on, fearful
Teeth rending forbidden fruit
Tasting like wrath and every secret God had ever kept
When those juices dribbled from her chin
Turning to blood beneath her forked tongue
She knew she could set Eden to blaze
Leave smouldering ash where beauty once dwelt
Snake winding up her thigh
Tongue slipping to taste hellfire
Every story ends with her
With woman
With a smile that torches the world

You are not the dust in the clothes never worn
You are the giggle in your mothers smile
You are not the rain in the autumn
You are the light in your best friends eyes
You are not the unfixable toy thrown to the trash
You are the soldier
Fighting demons within yourself
Darling do not think you are anything less than perfect
One day I hope you wake up
And realise you are so much more
Than background noise

They closed my file at CAHMS, but I don't feel better, or happy.
I feel hollow. I have spilled my secrets, confessed my sins, and now there is nothing left of me that is mine and mine alone. Its been over a year since I was told I didn't need them anymore,
But I'm just worse.
This life is cold and cruel and its not getting better.

I'll go to my grave
Like a moth to a flame
And the wax shall drip
On my wings
And amidst all the fire
And the putrid desire
Of wanting you
And your blessed things
That keep me awake
In the midnight earthquake
That tremors deep
In my soul
I'll love you in life
And death is no trife
I'll love you broken,
Mended, or whole.

I have been in faraway places
searching for my shadow
in the night I feel her holding me
and it is so cold in the midday sun
where am i
where am i  
where am i

Most nights I don't know who I am
I lay awake and in the darkest hours
I either feel everything at once
Or nothing at all
I do not know which is worse

A faceless figure holds my hand
Talking of love in an implacable voice
The grip tightens and tightens
Until I am screaming, pulling at them
They are laughing and I am hurting

I am grinning and spinning
Dizzying myself in circles of joy
Faster - until everything blurs together
People, places, memories, blending
Eventually I stop spinning. I am blind.

I am standing on a tall, tall building
Looking down at the ants of my town
The breeze edges me closer to the drop
I jump, expecting to fly, expecting freedom
I plummet, and before death, I find regret.

I must jinx myself
With every line and phrase
Because I wrote that
I could love him
But some boys are cold
And no matter how much
You care for them
They'll somehow
Break your heart

the
                                                                ­ whole
               world
                                          shrieked
        ­                and
                                                              roiled
                                                          ­                       and
                     the
                                              pain
                                                       ­                              didn't
          
                                                          lessen.

The storm raged
A tempest that rioted
Against the sky
People cowered and pleaded
With the winds, for their mercy
Offered sacrifices to appease
And when they drew my blood
On those stone steps
I could save these people
With their wild, frightened eyes
Or I could rage with the storm
And
I
Chose
Me

I had a dream I was falling
through blue sky and stars
falling, falling, falling,
crash   jolt,   wake up
And find I am still falling
through this bedframe
and the floorboards
down to the molten earth
falling, falling, falling
crash   jolt,   darkness.

I am gazing up through mirrored glass
At dreams and aspirations once abundant in my mind
I watch them as they float overhead
Sorrowful, and mourning at the distance, the barriers
But in this mirrored glass
I see only my own mourning
And the sorrow of my life fragmenting
And slipping away amongst the riptides
Whilst currents pull me under and under
Where I stare at my own failures
I am thousands of fathoms deep
And still sinking

It is in these dark nights
That I look behind me
And see the carnage i have wrought
And the people I have laid to waste
I am a falsehood, an accidental lie
I proffess love and compassion
And display a heartlessness
Without thought of consequence
I mean not to hurt or harm
Those who make me smile
But I cannot stop, it so seems
I am a tornado
A hurricane
I will tear down your cities
I will flood your lungs
And I will be sorry for it;
Do not forgive, do not forgive

Is there anyone out there with a soul like mine ?
That demands so much more of itself than it can give
That takes more from the world than it could ever hold
Is there anyone who dreams of forests and oceans
Of light that seeps through everything,
Emanating from your own self
I have been searching for words so I may beckon you closer
But please , I don’t want your words
I want your heart and it’s brightness
I ache for what I do not know
Bleed for what has never cut me
There are dreams I have not had yet but I know them
Like I know my own eyes
I beg you, if you see my eyes in your dreams
Do not dismiss me, nor forsake me,
Do not forget that we have known each other
Lifetimes and lifetimes ago

Concept: me, gazing wistfully at the stars, my favourite one has a haze of blue around it, and so bright, so bright.
Sometime later, one by one, the stars fall to earth, growing legs and arms and eyes. my blue hazed brightness lands in my garden, there is eternal peace in his light, and he, in turn, has been looking wistfully at me for lifetimes.

Looking back
at the footsteps you left
after walking out of my life
i realise it was mostly
my fault you've gone
as too often
I loved,
and did not say so.

Concept: 32º heat with friends in the green grass. I am looking at you and you at me, i don't know where we stand anymore. You move from your 10 foot distance to kiss my head and rest yours in my lap. The turbulent sea inside me calms with relief.

/ sitting in the backseat of the car holding hands
Im rapping to Downtown in a quiet voice
I look over, and hes smiling at me
Not the sly mocking smile of 'i can hear you'
But the smile that makes me feel like air
He looks at me like I've just lit up the sky
Moments like this are when i know
I am worth loving, and god, am i loved /

/ Tears in his eyes he's telling me
He doesn't want to be like his father
I want to breathe my love into his wounds
Mend him and hold him close
But i let him cry quietly into my chest
I hope he hears my heart
And its steady thrum of his name
You will always have a home here /

/ Thumb wars and muffled laughter
I grin triumphant and he grins back
Accepting my teasing and gloat
I'm only quiet when he kisses me
Lips on my neck, on my chest
Hands in my hair, on my waist
Worship. Worship
I know he lets me win /

I looked inside myself hoping to find in blood what liquid desires ran and created me, and found the tributaries of myself hollow and shrivelled and smelling like rust and iron. The arteries and capillaries which once carried sunlight now only hold the memories of who I used to be before the dark settled in, stank and putrid and petrifying my once course, swift bloostream. My inner rivers used to sing and now I lie halted and lame and the ocean is inside me but the riptides have died and the currents are stone. I am empty I am empty and the sun is eclipsed by my brokeness.

The ocean floor is littered with whale bones
Ivory dreams that sink forgotten amongst silt
The fish swim in between ribs like birds flitter through mine
Asphalst graveyards lined with tiny carcasses
Where once survivalists and now just carrion
I saw a signpost for a crematorium and thought of
The way your hand burns against my cheek
Everything on heaven and earth is eaten by sunlight and decay
In the distance there are trees being felled
I hear nothing and so pretend they have not died
But I can feel their groaning bodies, I can feel the axe swing
In my sharp exhale when you put your palm to my knee
If I close my eyes I see the temples that used to stand here
Where once we prayed to Gods and now buy coffee
The prayer on our lips much softer now
But I still feel like a sacrifice when you kiss me
A pyre dream, quick as flame and soft as smoke
Who's dreams do I carry with me in this life?
Who's aching heart do i remember when the wolf howls?
I witnessed birds die midflight and fall by the hundreds
My atoms rocked into memory of their first journey
Spread across a thousand stars that crashed into yours
Became then the fish that was born between whale ribs
How many lives do I carry inside of me?
What histories lie beneath my feet?
Who's bones am I standing on right now?
Who's deaths will fall like ash atop mine?