this house
is so ridiculously depressing

i try to lighten it up
fill the walls with my laughter when i can
rebel against the grey
i paint my nails neon
i fill my room with art

i got the best job i could find
i spend my work days
making people happy
inspiring young minds
i built a safe space
a childish place
where little girls can be pirates and pilots and monsters
where little boys can be artists and princesses and play with dolls
where the quietest people can go wild
and the wild can relax in the garden
it's a happy place
filled with good laughter

maybe you should visit

i want to slam my face onto the tile until i black out
i just want to sleep
im so sick of this
im not doing it anymore
im making the decisions, right?
well my decision is:
~chill~
im not pretending
im not trying
just rolling with it
cali style

just go with the flow
i want(need) something real right now.
no more words
no more stupid fake ****
just
chill


okay?

i just wanna be happy

it's been a while
i learned a lot about myself
but there's a lot left to learn, for me and you both
i hope you're ready
im ******* not

oh yea, i'm back
but not the same.
i don't think i will be either,
at least not for very long time
you took it out of me
really...

but don't you mind me,
im doing lovely
especially compared to last month
and i know i said dome things
did some things...

but i hoped seeing you would make things...
different? better?
and i guess there are
i mean, they certainly are different...

now i can't breathe
without choking on something
on my words
on my feelings
all of those dying nights
almost like they never happened
like...
a dream

but im back now!
im back and better and waiting
waiting for you to notice,
and i think you did
what did you say?
why did you want?
i don't even remember
but im glad you did
because now i have a reason to fix things

i'm really fighting this
making it difficult
it's kind of what i do
im not giving up
not tonight

today was my last day with my therapist
he's heard your name a lot in the last year
today we just played air hockey
while i talked about all of the times you made me smile

he didn't say much
he just let me cry

i don't feel better, really
but it was nice to think about you
to not push any memories down
just let it all flow

i miss you.
i'm too tired to feel angry or scared
or anything at all.

i can't explain why
i can't pinpoint exactly how i feel
but i know i still love you
and i'm pretty sure i always will.

i know it's dark
i know it hurts

it's gonna be okay, you'll be okay
i'm right here, right in front of you

just take my arms, fall forward
i'll catch you
i will always be here
and i will always catch you

i know it's scary, moving forwards
but right now, it's just one step
just one step away from that ledge

i'm right here
it's going to be okay
i'm here

walking home
all alone

the sky is gray
and my heart is heavy

today the rain
hits the ground
harder than it should

he is a wolf
and i love his bite
i offer him my throat to hold in his jaws
my heart to hold in his hands

        "you bit me"
        "yeah"
        "not your thing?"
        "i don't know"

maybe it is

a car
a job
a scholarship
a relationship**
my mother doesn't hate me
im not on drugs
im not depressed

but im not happy.

i have everything i could have ever wanted for myself.
and i hate it.

nothing is interesting
nothing makes my heart race
it's all routine
do this then that
i
hate
it

somehow
6 months ago
i was happier with nothing
(one thing)
(him)

did i hurt your feelings?
did i make you cry?
im sorry if you felt alone,
if i made you wanna die.

i cant help it, im just a *****
it's all been said before
im a manipulative little ****
im just a *****.

i dont like being loved
and i'd hate to fall for you too
so i cant help if i hurt your heart,
its kinda just what i do.

not just here but anywhere
anywhere you need me to be
whenever you need me
i'll always come back
always

it's a long road
and people are out to get you
but you'll survive

you will be better
than those before you
you will survive

you have a lot to learn
and it'll be hard
but you'll make it

you are going to be something
you are going to do something
you are going to make it

you said we were never good for each other
so what would have happened
if i didn't leave
if i wasn't ****** up
if i could be strong enough
for both of us

was it me?

or was this bound to happen
one way or another
someday

were we doomed from the start
or did i destroy it all

because i know i did something
i had a hand in this disaster
even you aren't capable
of ruining something
that badly
on your own

i have cried
every night about this
and i can't talk to you
because it feels like i'm nagging
so i will write to you
like this
and it can be your choice to read it
and you decision to come to me
if you have anything to say

so i have questions
a lot of them
but most important are

i understand not being able to stand in the middle
but why do we have to stand on opposite ends?
why cant we just be?
what happened to us
when i was gone?
i read your poems
so i got over that at least
but i'm stupid or something
and there is so much i don't understand
because you make it sound
like you are doing this big thing
for my sake
but it hurts me so bad
so really you're hurting us both
over something i don't understand.
i miss you
i want you back
i feel so pathetic
and alone.

i used to go to you
in person or in my mind
any time i was
hurt
scared
lonely
sad
but now that place
that i dedicated to you
that i familiarized with joy
is dark and black and murky
and i unknowingly go there
again and again
and hurt myself more
because i miss you
and you aren't there

i need to stop wondering
i need to stop caring
i'm playing myself
setting myself up to get hurt
this isn't worth it
it's not
but god
not seeing him
it hurts almost as much.

you aren't better than me
you're just as ****** up
and if i hear you make
one more ******* comment
about the way i live my life
you will be coughing up teeth
for a month.

anything

its what happens when you dont talk to people
you dont know things

i dont know where i stand or if i have any right to stand at all

i like to assume that you think about me

maybe thats ****** up,
that i hope you miss me
that i want you to want me back

i dont know
i dont know
i never do

on my own words
on regret
on misunderstanding
on rage

choking myself over and over
for things i cant help and cant change
and never going blue in the face
because evil doesn't need to breathe

tyou fuckingsuck yklu sdiocl

i wish you would just
go away
even though im the one following you
i wish you would leave my mind
i wish you could disappear
because being within 50 feet of you
for even a second
hurts like hell
but its all i want

i've been watching you.
i know you know im there.
i've heard about your little jokes.
i see him sitting where i used to sit
walking with you
where i used to belong
talking to you
like he knows you at all.

maybe he does
maybe i never knew you
not the real you

because the you i thought i knew
the you i loved

would not have done this to me.

please don't hurt yourself
it will get better
it will get so much better
i promise
just please
i love you so much
just make it through tonight
just one night at a time
please
don't do it

everything hurts these days
pressing on my heavy, aching chest
the whole world is spiraling
making me dizzy and sick
never a moment of peace
im tired.
god, im always so ******* tired
everything feels heavy
it is exhausting

this is how i feel every day
every ******* day
for as long as i can remember
every ******* day
dragging myself through my own life
not caring about anything

i just want one day
one day that i dont feel like ****
one day that doesnt make my lungs tight
one day that doesnt make my broken heart burn
one day that doesnt fall apart and slip away
like sand through my fingers

im just so ******* tired
of everything
of struggling to keep people in my life
of constantly anticipating the next awful thing
of trying to hope and being crushed
over and over and over

i get you're going through something
and i will be here for you the whole time
but you have to make it out of this alive
because i cant do it without you

i need time
now i'm the one
asking for time

but i  need time to myself
for myself

i need time to be alone
so that next time
this won't hurt so much

next time i'll be ready

it was my fault
in the end
for getting used to having friends
having people
having support
and i miss it now

but next time i'll be ready
next time being alone
won't be so lonely

i want to give you cd mixtapes of your favorite songs
i want to send you 3:00 am messages and bad selfies
i want to put on my favorite skirt and dance with you
i want to take you back to the ocean with me
i want to see your sad smile under the california stars
i want to make everything better, so you never have to be sad again
i want to spend hours memorizing your eyes
i want to go on long road trips, see the wind in your hair
i want to spend the rest of my life trying to make you laugh
i want to take you to festivals and old coffee shops
i want to go to thrift stores with you and try on crazy clothes
i want to listen to your music and love your art
i want to be your number one fan and your best friend
i want to be yours and have you as mine

but most of all, i just want you to be happy.

okay?
okay.

im done.
i cant do this anymore.
i cant keep crying for you and hoping for you and wanting you.

i want to so badly,
dont get me wrong
i love you

but i give up.

i still talk to her
because most of the time
she's the only person that seems to want to talk

i fill time with her
fill the dark with her compliments
fill my ego mostly

i hate it
being such an *******
and having to go so low
to make myself not feel like ****

everything that you need to be whole
the person that you trust the most
the thing that always makes you smile
easy for you to handle
anything but what i am

because i am not enough for you

if you hate something
change it.
(because you don't have to be loud or fun)

ditch them
(because sometimes silence is the most exciting)

reputations are nothing more than concepts
the world is barely real as is
(because you are amazing, no matter what)

change it
and forget what others think
(because your health is always the top priority)

trying everything there is
to distract myself from you

but i am so afraid
so, so afraid
that one morning
you'll be more than distant
afraid that you'll be gone

i don't sleep anymore
i just sit in bed
staring at my phone
like it will tell me that you're fine
like it will save you

it's none of my business
but i am so
*******
scared

if you dont want me around
please, dear god, let me know
because right now
one less person to worry about
is not a ******* problem for me.

i have enough **** to deal with
so if you're done with me
just go.

i'll still be here when you come back.

kicking cans
making plans
giving up
letting go

kicking and crying
screaming and trying
panicking in quicksand
sinking faster

let it go
let him go

its all you can do

you can't change a person
you can't make the world yours
all you can do is hear his words
and take them with you
just add another song to your playlist
and let him go

here goes nothing:
i still love you.
i won't drag myself around trying to get you to like me, or follow your every move like a lost puppy, but i do still care about you and would like to go back and start completely over. i think we really could be something good together. i know you could be seeing someone else, and im okay with that. i also know that you might be completely repulsed by me, and im okay with that too. i just wanted to say that if you ever wanted to try getting to know the real me, the healthier, kinder, happier me, i'd be more than okay with that.

i change my voice
i try to make it sound
a little quieter, more feminine
i smile a lot
consciously
i put a hoodie on my dog(?)
don't ask
my laugh is different
again, girlish
and i poke out my tongue
just a little

i dont like me

its all just a distraction
a way to forget
that i ******* hate myself.

no i am not "*****".

but when people look at me
and want me
it feels good.

i like feeling wanted

im sorry
the only way ive ever felt loved
is when i felt *****
and wrong
and disgusting

i don't want you to know these things

but i do want you to know
you aren't the only one who's scared.
You aren't the only one that's ****** up.

looking for something
im not sure what
but something to make me
feel
its you
i know it is
but still
i cant have you forever
not 24/7
and now i have to fill your space
when you cant be right beside me
i dont even have words to say
i just want to be close to you

it feels like time has stopped
and all i can do
is run from the things that scare me
because i refuse to fight

it took all of 5 minutes
for me to know something was wrong
and so i ran
i left as fast as i could
and i hid from you
from him
from all of it

a moment
of holding your hands
swaying to the music
of wind chimes
and voices.
tile floors
metal water
that tastes like red
you taste like red.