here goes nothing:
i still love you.
i won't drag myself around trying to get you to like me, or follow your every move like a lost puppy, but i do still care about you and would like to go back and start completely over. i think we really could be something good together. i know you could be seeing someone else, and im okay with that. i also know that you might be completely repulsed by me, and im okay with that too. i just wanted to say that if you ever wanted to try getting to know the real me, the healthier, kinder, happier me, i'd be more than okay with that.

im so sorry
i wish i could be her again
the girl with a crush
reading a poem
at lunch
not talking about
the elephant in the room
silly and kind
lovely

she is tarnished
frayed
splintered
broken

and that poem can never be the same

because i
will never be the same

i will not
go to you

i will not
drag myself backwards
or humiliate myself

if you ever want to talk to me
then grow a pair

because i am not going to throw myself at you
or anyone ever again

i don't hate you
but i will not
go out of my way
to see you

one day i will have everything you need
one day i will make myself enough for you
maybe even sometime soon
and when that day comes
if there are still mutual feelings
we could be something amazing

but right now
i know im not enough for you
and i dont want you to hurt yourself
waiting around for me

i want you to be happy
and have fun
and do whatever you need to do
to maintain your mental health
because it IS important

yes, i will be extraordinarily jealous
of every hand you hold
that isn't mine
but you deserve better than me
(dont get me wrong, im not going anywhere)
and it's makes me very happy
that you would probably deny that fact
endlessly

i love you
whatever that means to you
i love you in every way
and if i have to
i will spend the rest of my life
trying to make you as happy
as you make me

people exist
not just when im around
but always

im not important

i am only about 2%
of everything that happens
in a persons life

and the worst part
is that i never really existed myself.

with so many vague back stories
and gentle lies

nobody knows me

i am nobody

i have to remember that.

six days
you said six days was not enough time to fall in love.

but apparently it's enough to fall out of it.

red blue yellow
blood red
sky blue
teeth yellow
sad song
bad song
i really
really
don't like this song
it gives me the heebies
it gives me the jeebies
its a cute
happy
carnival song

is it me or him?
who would you stand beside
when the world ends?

am i still the one you write about
am i still "the one"
or have you found another soul
are we truly done?

is it me or him that you want to hold?
whose heart do you call home?
because the nasty voice in my skull
thinks its not my own.

i personally live at night
**** just hits different
after 10:00 PM

lets be those weirdos
in a gas station at 3 am
lets be cool and smooth
lets go on long drives
down dark empty streets
lets live life
in liminal space

everything just feels more possible
like we could really do anything
night has spooky mysterious vibes
lets be spooky and mysterious together

there is a hole in my nose
and one in my heart

holding hands
in the halls
giggling
in the dark

playing chase under the 2 o'clock sun
catch me 'round the waist and drag me out
i'll kick and scream and try not to laugh
because you know i hate the water

tease me about how i've changed
gone from tanned and toned to pale and soft
let me wear your old sweaters and hide my curves
call me your pretty little thing anyway

let me keep my empty head
at least until i have to go home
let me stay a cali girl
before i have to strip the skin from my bones

she is small
and cute
and pretty

she has pretty eyes
california ocean eyes
and rusty blonde hair
pink cheeks
always blushing

she is soft
and warm of heart
she's been hurt
and i want to un-hurt her

she's a friend
i love to talk with her
just to see her smile

i feel like a little kid.
its silly but
even things i've done a million times
feel brand new with you.
i know you would never
be that guy
the one who is only interested
in the relationship
and not the person
but i still want you to like me
even though i know you already do
i feel like i still have to win you over

i ****** up
i dont know how
or when
but i did
and i hurt the only people  that i ever loved
the only one i thought loved me
i dont deserve that love
i wish i could just disappear
and never have existed at all

i loved him
completely
in every way
but all that time
all that love
i never saw his hurt

i know he's moved on
and i know there are things
that people aren't telling me

but still
i wish i could tell him
that what i feel
more than hurt
more than pain and sadness and anger
is guilt

guilt over the fact that at some point
i lost you
to the storm
the same storm that ate me alive
every day for years
the storm i thought i had finally escaped

i lost him to the storm
i couldn't pull him out

i never saw him cry
he never came to me
not when he was sad
not when he was hurt
he never told me

i guess, in a lot of ways
i should have seen it
i think i did
but i refused to see it
accept that my worst fear was back
for him this time

he never let me see it
i don't know if its because he didn't trust me
or maybe he didn't even know
what to say
how to say it

i should have known
i went through it too
i'm still fighting it

i hate that i can't understand this
i can't wrap my head around my own pain
or his

i just wish he knew
that i know the fight
i know the storm
and my biggest regret
is not saving him from it
if could have

thats what im sorry for. not for being a *****, but for not being there at all.

i like to think
that you think about me
whenever im not around
i like to imagine
that you dream about me
while you're sleeping sound
i like to pretend
that youre missing me
whenever i feel alone
i like to think
that you think about me
even if you dont

he is chaotic and warm
in a cold unrelenting storm
in good health and good time
the blink of an eye
quiet nights and gentle days
my heart roams
and he is better than ever

she said
you've been dreading
having to see me

which is reasonable
and mutual

so i'll stay out of your way
don't worry

i will always be
a disappointment
always distant
always getting hopes up
and letting them down
ill always love you
but i cant always be there for you
not in the ways i wish i could

i know these streets too well these days
every night, like clockwork
i leave my mind at my bedroom window
sometimes i drive
sometimes i just run
but my favorite nights are the empty ones
where i don't do anything
turn off completely
just wander through the dark like a ghost

you wouldn't know, but i cut my hair
dyed it too

it's black now
and short
just like my mother's
when she was in high school
i look just like her

and on the nights that i just float
it's easier to imagine how she must have felt
to leave her kids alone like that
in this ****** world
with nothing but fragmented memories
of sunken eyes and thin wrists
pink scars on pale skin

paycheck
striped socks
pens & markers
paint spots
scattered beads
bits of trash
empty frame
shattered glass
broken toys
hot glue gun
pink lighter
half a blunt

do it
whatever it is
hit me
hurt me
you want to feel something?
lets feel it together
you want it to hurt?
i can make it hurt
whatever you need
take it out on me
instead of yourself

i have no family to live for
no real friends to fall back on
no dreams, no hopes, no future
all of my life
no one has ever wanted me
needed me
i am useless
without you

so whatever you're going through
take it out on me
and go live your life
love your friends
be good for them
and leave the bad with me

look at me, all scrubbed up and shiny
look at me, im so happy!
i go to church
i smile real pretty
i never talk back
i never act ******
im a good worker
a good friend, a good kid
im polite and responsible
i dont wish i was dead
im not crazy
not angry
not wild
not free
im not reckless
not silly
not colored
not me

ive been split open and emptied
fixed up by a shrink
im not anything special
dear god, ive been bleached!

sometimes it's easy to forget
why you love someone
how to love someone
that you love them at all

sometimes you have to remember
that love is more than making out
it's not always intense or passionate
it can't always be like that

sometimes love is just
being there for someone
being a friend

sometimes "i love you"
means im here for you
i care about you
and i want you to be happy

sometimes it's really that simple

and now we are here.

and i don't really even know where here is.

maybe it isn't a love story anymore,
but it is definitely something,
and i will never forget it.

i love you.
i loved you.
maybe i'll move on,
but this will always be
part of my story.

soft
peach tones
blushing

yellow
fading orange
fading pink
rosé

warm
and soft
strong

can someone please tell me
why everything has to hurt?
can you tell me why
i can't just be happy?

blocked
not because i hate him
but because his words make me angry
and they make me wish i could
i wish i could hate him
but instead
i hate you
i hate the way you talk
i hate the way you refuse
to do anything progressive
i hate you
so much
that i wish you were dead
sometimes
i wish you never said the things you said
i wish you never exposed yourself
i hate that you made yourself vulnerable
again
i hate that you never learn your lesson
i hate the fact
that you can't ever seem to keep something to yourself
and i hate that you can't just be happy
i hate that you have to ruin everything
i hate that you can't just be normal
that you always have to do things the hard way
i hate that you can't just chill
really, just relax
but you cant
and i hate you for it

its crazy if you think i would ever leave you
for some cocky ******* (who only wants ***)
or a pretty girl (who's just a friend)
or Her (who broke my heart)
or any other boy, girl, or creature of the sea
that isn't you.
i
love
you.

lights and metal and love
music and colors and stuff
she'd kiss a boy, just 'cause
never enough, never enough
this girl, she's far out
way cool, so chill
empty and still exploding somehow
and, oh man, if looks could ****
i'd be a dead man walking
total corpse
but those eyes keep calling
**** shes so hot
totally punk rock

i say that so often
for someone that has no idea
just how much she has hurt someone
i couldn't tell you
if i changed him forever
if he has permanent scars
or if i simply swept through his life
like a arid summer breeze
insignificant and unnoticed

i doubt it
i'm not the kind of person easily forgotten
but people always remember the bad things
so that i wonder if there were ever good things
to be remembered at all

just
i love you
for the last time

he said
i need to say this now
before i ***** out
but i want to love you
I do love you
I think im in love with you
But im afraid
Of my feelings.

i have a feeling
i'm gonna feel it
when it comes

go on
keep doing your thing
keep feeling loved by whoever loves you
keep feeling like a ******* if you want
do whatever, i don't care
keep on keepin' on, as they say
i'll be fine over here, i promise

besides, did you ever want me to be okay?
or did you just want me to live so it wasn't your fault when i died?

i'm done with you
and i'm done with this
bye-bye :)

i saw you
today
the way you were acting
was scary
like i might lose you

i cant lose you
because i might lose myself

lost in sad slow songs
in a depressive spiral
aren't we all?

whose idea was
to rely so many emotionally
unstable
people on each other?

---

she gave me a cross
a little wooden one
on a ball chain

naturally,
i sharpened it
and turned it into a weapon.

i don't know what i'm doing
where i'm going
what id do without you
i can't tell when i'm  breathing
if youre leaving
if i'm living
i don't know
what i’
wantttt
i
have no

words.
are you stil here

am i?

i know you want this to go smoothly
and i know you're trying to make it easier
so i only have one rule to add.

until you are 100% done with me,

you CAN NOT fall in love
with someone else