i dont know what you want
but if it isnt me
then just move on
cut the cord now
instead of straining it
until it snaps
because dragging me along
will only hurt me more
so please
unless you really want this
dont take it
because it's all i have left

wandering
through space and time
no
through my house
from one room to the next
knowing it isn't my home

wondering
who will be next
to fall under my blade
who can i hurt
more than the last

but the beauty of it is
eventually
you learn how to live without love
and when you're alone
the only person you can hurt is
you

my brain
is not prone
to logical
thought.

he made you suffer
you make me suffer
i make you both suffer
together we are insufferable
but apart
we all suffer
we cannot stand eachother
and yet we are a perfect harmony
of wild and angry and tense and sad
and yet we are happy
a perfect trio
father son and spirit
him, you and i
i love you both
you love us both
he loves us both
we are one
of suffering
and i hate it

i know i have no right
to be jealous
to be impulsive
to keep ******* things up

i wish we could talk
but i don't want to make things worse
(i usually do)
i dont want you to start pushing me away again

im stupid
i say stupid stuff

usually to get a reaction
because im an attention *****
a narcissist
whatever

i dont really have much to say now
i love you
i guess
as stupid as that is
it's true

broken hearts
tend to heal
people move on
         ~          
you're not dying
you will live without me
you will meet another girl
with pretty brown eyes
and a careful soul
or maybe she'll be different
who knows?

point is:
i wont feel bad
for your broken heart
it'll fix itself in time
ask any of the people
that loved me before
you'll get over it
         ~
they always do

december is pretty cool ig
the girl i like got me a present
and she LOVES the one i got her
lots of celebration and rituals and stuff
i made some bread
okay i made a lot of bread
and ive dried my herbs
so idk man
its december
lets just vibe

im okay with someday
someday means maybe
maybe one more kiss
another hug
less tears
maybe there will be
us again

but

someday can also be
forever

not never,
but forever waiting
hoping
holding on to something
that has long since passed

someday can be
forgotten
being alone and hopeless
being in love with the wrong person

someday can be me
getting married
having kids
a career
a life
but stumbling across
the facebook page
of a boy i still love
and forever knowing
what could have been

someday is never quite moving on
someday is being halfway satisfied
someday is better than never

but it still hurts

not feminine
not delicate or sweet
my hands were not made for gentle things

i have long fingers
and aching bones
my joints are ******
my knuckles are bruised
my skin is scarred

my hands were not made to be beautiful
they were made for communication and creation
they were made for climbing and fighting
they were made to make things beautiful
and for appreciating the things that already are

the doctors use fancy words
they make sadness sound like science
they scrub you up and turn you out
fresh
raw
exposed
with a 50% chance of survival

half of these people
follow up
they keep going
keep working
get better
they survive
with only scars and memories
to show for their pain

and some people, the other half
they fall out
into the dirt
they get infected
it spreads past the skin
to the heart lungs and brain
it kills them
they die
a little scrape
that they tried to fix
kills them.

i need you now like an open wound needs oxygen and care
i need you to survive
so that i can

my words are who i am
and somewhere along they line
i stopped writing who i was
i wrote for you to read
but i won't do that anymore
i wont let myself
be only for you
my words are who i am
and i am not yours anymore

citrus colored
acid and sweet
balanced
stable
like apricots
and nectarines
sunflower yellow
i want to be free
not perfect or pretty
just want to be me

do i pretend
like i dont know you?
do i say hello?
make a joke?

i saw you come in
and i hoped you wouldn't see me
im pretty sure you did though

everybody seems to think im going to be a huge ***** about this
but really im just confused
and sorry
and sad.

busted up box t.v.
broken nose
bruised cheek
hop skip jump
under the bridge
down the street
there's a fairy tree
surrounded with dead bodies

our love may be messy
and confusing
and unstable at times
but it is real
and it is whole
and the way i love you
is yours and yours only
because i have loved before
but the important thing
is that they didn't last
but you,
you're still here.
and so am i
and as far as im concerned
i always will be

i want
to hear
you talk

it can be anything
just say something
to me

lets talk about the little things
and laugh over the phone
just so we don't forget

too loud music
laughing at myself
who am i now?
vapor spills
toxic thrills
where am i now?
missing him
kissing her
what are we now?
~
in a stall
haunt the halls
i hate this school
i hate them all
too much makeup
too much money
laughing at him
(it's not funny)

the colors and motion and *******
the apathy and edge and aloofness

useless brushstrokes
pointless scratches on paper

what is an artist without his ego?

**** emotions and love and ****.
it's all filler.

colors
collide -

we are
mismatched -

bad boy loves
good girl -

bad girl
loves lost boy -

leather and
dyed cotton -

we don't
match

but opposites
attract -

i feel like my tastes
in everything-
people, music, fashion,
****, even my lifestyle choices
are all devolving
into some disgusting puddle

logically speaking
this is a terrible decision
and it's liable
that we both end up
worse off than before

red flags are dancing
around my head like pixies
and every interaction
leaves me feeling empty
and ready to cry

but i dont whats wrong
or why i want this so bad

but in my heart
i somehow know
it will leave me defeated and worthless

i wish i could help you
because i know how it hurts
i wish i could save you
because ive been there before
but i cant if you cant let me
and i cant help wondering
if you pushing me away
means you need me gone
or if its a cry for me to hold you closer

i am not going to get any better
i have struggled with my problems for my entire life
and i will continue to for the rest of it
but i can be better for you
you can come back from this
you have a chance
please dont waste it.

coming from a person that felt how you feel
when she was six
let someone help you
let people in
or you will lose your chance
this is not something you can do alone


if anything i have ever said
meant anything you
then listen to this.
please
let someone love you
get better
if nothing else
do it for me

let someone love you

you are
warmth
fire
depth
honesty
everything
absolutely everything

he is bitter
and acid on my tongue

with sugar
(sometimes)

ice clinking
on a crystal glass

i want
so badly
to be

but i don't think
i am

i don't think
i will ever do that again.
i know you aren't mad
or upset even,
but it felt wrong
and i don't want it
to happen again.

twisting and turning
hurting and burning
because the world is against you
always
because tall boys can hurt you
good friends can turn you
everything will leave you
with nothing at all

yes, your boyfriend will dump you
your teachers will flunk you
your mother will hate you forever
your coworkers are lazy
the doc thinks you're crazy
religion will call you a freak

i guess if everything is always awful
no matter what you do

go ahead and hate me: im having fun
and you could be having fun too

everything
just
everything

a friend
who has a secret
a crush
she won't tell me
I am betrayed
it is someone
tallish
brown hair and eyes
who I may
or may not know

im starting
to not like my own work.
or myself,
for that matter.