her

her smile on a screen
her hand on a pen
her laugh from the passenger seat

we wouldn't have to run away to be happy
we wouldn't have to be falling apart to fall in love

the music and the colors and the movement

her.

taking things
truly
one step at a time

things have been rough
and you caught me at a bad time
but i might just be
better
now.

things are still hard
but the struggle fells worth it
now.

i want to write
but it feels like  the things i want to say are in a another language
that even i can't understand
its not a bad thing
i dont think
just...
strange i guess.

its funny
now that we all hide our faces
(like they were ever real at all)
that everyone seems to care what we look like
when the real masks were inside
and they've been there the whole time

i like
homemade chocolate chip cookies
and my moms spaghetti
i like dead rappers (and some alive ones)
and rock music from the 2000's
i like boys with curly hair
and dancing with no music at all
i like the 90's
i like rollerblading and neon colors
i like safety pins and key chains
i like over-accessorizing
i like little plastic animals
i love my friends
i love my family
(no matter how wrong it is)
i like ap english class
and free t-shirts
i like running
and climbing trees
i like my bangs
and having my makeup done
i like my art
im proud of it
i like paint on my jeans
and not being bullied
i like compliments from pretty girls
i like pretending i'm the queen
i like thinking about you
i like my life
i love you
and i love me

i hardly remember
maybe one day i will share it
but it was nice
and it is mine
like a secret
i want to keep it for myself
because lately it seems
that not many things are

the little i'll say
is that he wore a halo
and the sky was beautiful
beneath us

why
why did you have to ******* say that
even if it's true
why'd you say it?
do i scare you?
am i scary?

and y'know the wort part?
the worst part is
i thought you cared about me
thought you were helping me
thought you wanted
to help me

but i get it now
you're just too nice
too nice to tell me
that i freak you out
too scared to see me
**** myself
to tell me to
get out

i held your hand
(shhh)
and you squeezed it
(come here)
its an open relationship
(i missed you)
no one has to know
(i'm sure)
we can share a secret
(lets have fun)
share our sins
(just you and me)
and walk around the important things
(shhhhh)
crunch across frozen grass
(it's cold in here)
under burned out street lights
(so dark outside)
through cracked windows
(your mom will hear)
and whisper naughty secrets
(lets go all night)
find new ditches and alleys
(like stars in the sky)
no one has to know
(i want this)
what happens at night.
( bad )

i hate myself for caring
because i know it only hurts us both
but you fill a space inside of me where nothing else seems to fit

maybe im a *******
because it hurts
and it's awful
and its better than any drug ive done

it makes my hands shake
and my breath hitch
still

she held a fragile butterfly
in the palm of her gentle hand
it wings moving,
not the the rapid flutter of flight,
but slowly, considerately.
her dusty colors shifted
like an oil spill over the heavens.
she tried to hold her;
keep her safe.
she loved her inevitably,
for she was innocent.
she never knew
right from wrong,
good and bad,
true evil.
she only knew the ways of the world;
to ****
or be killed.
this fight
is one which will always be lost
on both sides.

it feels like
everything
is slipping away.

i kind of realized
that i kind of hate you

not because of a broken heart
or some stupid teenage drama story

but because honestly,
all of my life i have been above that

you made me something i wasn't

and i kind of hate you for it

ive been dreaming
all week long
dancing around
like every word is a song
ive been dreaming
of you and me
about what could happen
if i left for the sea

a memory
of purple and green
like wildflowers
a silly thing
old love
fond memories
and bitter feelings
faded
young love
running in circles
chasing a train
confetti and adventure
old bones and lit cigarettes
memories of a day
when we were both happy
when all i needed
was you

she's someone new
but she isn't

a lifelong friend
making me feel
the fluttery wings
of little pink butterflies inside
small and soft
billowing silk
holding me up

sort of like the curtains
in my old bedroom
pink and flying
in the ocean wind

i don't think i love her
but i really could

the world is turning
moving and shifting.
every millennia.
but we only get one chance
one life.
and in every life
we find love
and in every second
i find myself
looking for you.

i wish i could say i'm not good enough for you.
that you deserve someone better,
or that this is a bad decision;
you don't know what you're doing.
or something equally edgy and sad.
but, honestly?
i believe you
and i trust you.
and i love you too.

"hold your breath, sweetie"

with everything around me
muffled and distorted,
slowed and darkened,
to an intoxicating mush
that leaves me breathless;
how can you expect me
not to want this beauty
inside my lungs?

it's been months since i really thought about you
and even longer since i saw your face
i've seen you around, sure
but only the back of your head
for just a few seconds in the hall

today i saw you again
really saw you

and i wont lie
my heart skipped a little.

i wonder how long it will take for that to stop happening
i wonder if it ever will

i don't have to fall in love

i'm happy

i don't need anyone to "love" me
in order to validate myself

i know that i am good
i am strong and beautiful and kind
i am complex and thoughtful and wise
i am a woman...

and i don't have to fall in love.

all of you
drive me mad
and the angry things
make me sad
why must we all
be so bad
being hateful to one another
is a new fad
being rude for no reason
is totally rad

to come close to me
or say something
anything

you dont have to
but i'd like it if you did

i'll see you in the morning
either way

so basically
sometimes
it kinda feels
like
maybe
you're making excuses
to not be with me

which is stupid
and (most likely) not true

but if it is,
it's okay
you don't have to want to be with me
we can still be friends
just say that you don't
want me
if you don't

maybe
if i
say
something
you could
understand
what i'm
trying
to
say

the color of insomnia. the color of losing too much weight. the color of bad *** and regrets. the color of never really healing. the color being alone.

why do i sit here
decoding and overthinking
trying so hard
to figure out
if he really likes me

why do i care
if he thinks about me
if he wants me

i try so hard
to see things the way i want them to be
not the way they are

please
take all the time in the world

i can
i will
wait for you

i never want you to feel
anything but loved and appreciated
when you are with me

so if that means going slowly
or not going at all
then i can live with that

because you mean more to me than anything else

metal on metal
is it worth your life?
running on gravel
cutting time with a knife

no point in chasing
in the end it's all the same
temptation is tasteless
too tired for games

my brain
is not prone
to logical
thought.