i look behind me and i see
a path of blood and glass and rose petals
a trail of broken hearts and hurt words

and i don't want to be that anymore

but i see you all
everyone of you
and i am so, so sorry that i hurt you
i really did love you
some of you, i still do

i am so sincerely sorry
to all of you
for what i have done
and if you could ever forgive me
i would kiss every one of your scars
if i could ever fix this
i would mend all of your broken hearts

deep breaths
calming down
get a fist around your emotions
think about them
discuss with them
get rid of the unnecessary ones
no more panicking
no more breaking down
lets get this together
and rise up

i want him
i want his arms around me
his hands on my hips
his eyes on me
his lips on my lips

i want him
every broken piece of him
i want his body
but im greedy
im selfish
i want him all for myself
i dont want to share

but i need him too
i need his heart more than his hands
i need his hope more than anything
i need him to be here
maybe not mine but still alive
i need him
somehow
some way
i do.

every goodbye
is followed by a hello
and every storm
has a ******* rainbow
im stupid
and im young
and i dont understand things like love
and im glad
that some six months ago
i survived myself
because yeah
life is worth living
more often than
it isnt

babies are manipulative as ****
these little people
that everyone sees as helpless and innocent
can bring a room of men to hysteria
i have seen fathers rip their hair out
at the idea of losing a child
grown men go to prison
for their little girls

so when this little baby cries
i don't see helplessness
i see power
being grasped and used
to survive

my poetry is not art anymore
it isn't expression
it isn't even honest
it's filtered and edited
so as not to be disturbing
or concerning
to any number of people
often all that is left of me then
is anger

but in truth
in a final attempt
at honesty in my art
I am lonely.
and confused and stupid and tired and heartbroken and homesick
and so many other human things

to be disgustingly honest
and simple minded
in the least amount of words
I love you

a while ago i wrote
about looking in the mirror
and not liking what i saw.

a while ago i believed
that i could only be
the things that everyone else saw in me
the woman she was.

but broken mirrors still reflect

every little sliver of glass still says, indefinitely,
"this is who you are"

so instead of breaking mirrors
i looked in them
and decided that if i didn't like what i saw,

well, i was just going to have to change it.

why does this feel
wrong?
its not even wrong really,
just odd,
different.
like something has been
broken
almost like we're acting,
but i'm not.
are you?
why do i feel distant?
like there's fog, or a thin wall.
has it always been there?
its feels like i'm choking.
my eyes are dry
but they ache for tears
my stomach aches
for something
i'm not sure.
i think
i'm may be going crazy.
i know you don't need this
not now.
i'm supposed to be here for you now.
but i can't help feeling
like something is off.
i just really hope it isn't me.

WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE WRONG?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE BAD GUY?
I KNOW YOU'RE STRUGGLING
AND I'M SO SORRY I COULDN'T/CAN'T HELP YOU
BUT I'M ******* STRUGGLING TOO
I'M ******* EXHAUSTED.
YOU CAN BE MAD AT ME
HATE ME FOR ALL ETERNITY
I DON'T ******* CARE ANYMORE
NONE OF YOU CARE ABOUT ANYONE BUT YOUR **** SELF
IM NOT ASKING YOU TO DIE FOR ME
I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO BREATHE
FOR JUST A MOMENT
I WANT TO LET GO

could you at least TRY to see how ******* lonely i am? how isolated i've become? how ******* close i am to having nothing left?

I DON'T WANT YOUR LOVE
I JUST WANT A FRIEND.

lean into me
bury your face in my neck
cry on my shoulder
let me hold you all night
relax in my arms
whisper in my ear
how much you love me
let me protect you
from the entire world
from your family
and their judgments
from you exes
and their lies
do want this?
because i can give it to you
all of this and more
and all i ask of you in return
is that you love me
and don't ever stop

i can hear laughing.
it might be mine,
but it isn't loud enough.
i'm rocking myself
like a crazy person.
i can't feel my skin,
but i know that i'm crying.
i can see the tears hitting the floor
in little drops, like blood from a cut.
something in me wants to think this is a test,
the gods pushing my will,
seeing how close to the edge i'll get
before i jump.
i keep telling myself
that all the bad will weigh out
and one day it'll be euphoria.
but maybe karma really is a *****.
maybe it really doesn't ever get better.

it was a dark
and stormy night

like a helium high
an oxygen-deprived
emotional overdose
a blackout -
where everything is
gone (nothing matters)
but more vivid and real than ever -

it is a shaking
ugly-crying
bad-photo-filter
no breathing
no seeing
gross-teen PSA
feeling -
that i know all too well.

that disgusting
terrified
frantic
helpless
plastic

feeling -

was my worst enemy for years.

you can try
to bleed it out
scream it out
**** it

but it is you -
you are fighting yourself
and you can't win

but it went away.
and there were good days
days that i laughed -
days that i felt loved -

but somehow
those terrifying
angry
cold (but too hot)
dont-touch-me
hold-me-tight

nights

are all i can remember.

i don't get to remember
my tenth birthday
or when my sister was born
or my friends laughing
or my teachers congratulating

because my ****** up brain
is too greedy
and it ate all of those memories
so that all i have is now -

all i have is you
and i know exactly how you feel
and i hate it
because i want to fix it
but i can't even begin to know how
when i can't even fix myself

a place to burn
the things that muddle
and mess with your mind
leave them to mix
with the charred remains
of yesterday.
burn it all
until what's left is pure
warm and solid bone
complete without fleshy stress
then continue forward
from the fireplace.

i miss you
all the time
i want you to be happy
you make me happy
i love you
i dont know how
or why
i just do
i love your smile
it lights me up inside
and i love your laugh
it makes me giggle
i love the way you make me feel
so grown up but still young and free
i love he way you touch me
like im something to be cherished
i love you
so much

to some
jealousy is just anger
maybe even rage

but for me, oh no,
jealousy brings me blindly to my knees.
jealousy leaves me bleeding out in the dirt.

jealousy makes my vision blur
and my stomach lurch
and my lungs squeeze
and my chest burn

for me
jealousy hurts
(in a very real, physical way)
leaving me light-headed and ill
all morning long

****
when he walked in
i was happy to see him
elated, even
he's the only person
in these past few months
thats treated me like an equal
like a human being
the one person who's shown me respect
listened to me speak
and tried to understand
and ****
i was so happy

and now
i feel like im drowning in mud
my brain feels sticky
and heavy
and slow
and i

your cries of loathe
only further fuel my endeavors
i am a formidable force
and i will not be stopped
i love you
and i will continue
to be a disturbing and affectionate
animal
until you give me
what i want

is it too late in the game
to try and change?
too close to the end
to start again?

if i changed now, became the person i wish i was
accepted myself and said **** it to my parents
to anyone, everyone who said i was wrong
could i change forever?

i feel like my happiness
isn't worth the struggle anymore
to lose so much, just for what?
peace of mind? comfort?

i feel like the weight, the attention
to who i am, what i want
would be too much

be my friend

you don't have to hide things from me
you can tell me about the boy you like
and i want to tell you about her
because i really like her
or anything, literally anything
i just want to talk to you

i miss us before we got so broken
i miss being able to talk to you about anything
i miss making fun of you for all the dumb boys you date
i miss hearing you laugh at all of my stupid antics
i miss running through the halls and laughing at ourselves
i miss sitting by you at lunch and acting like little kids
i miss us when we were good and as happy as we could be

i miss my best friend

i am going out to lunch with my friends
i ordered a small diet pepsi
i am laughing and flirting with boys
i am acting like nothing will ever fall apart
i am fake
i am plastic
i am fine

I can't
I ******* can't
I can't care anymore
It ***** with my head

But the problem is
I can't stop
If this is what living is
I wish I was ******* dead

It's like these words were written by someone else.
I see things that remind of you and they scare me.
You do not scare me.
I am hiding from words which individually mean nothing.
Together they are frightening.
What is this anxiety, why is it haunting me?
Why am I so repelled by what i love?
Because I love you.
I really, truly do.
And I am not repelled by you.
I am repelled by myself.
My own actions and thoughts and feelings.
But that will never be stronger than this.
Us.

i just snorted the powder
from the bottom
of a sour gummy worms bag

it burns

some days i am real
a living breathing person
i speak and laugh and smile
but not today
today i am made of air
as tangible as love
but containing none of it

i don't want to die alone.
i crave the touch of another, the feeling of darkness, warmth, security. weight on every inch of my body. a cocoon of some strong, stable arms holding together the pieces of me that want to escape. to disappear.

challenging my own thoughts
battling my own mind
it isn't all-or-nothing
i will not overgeneralize
the positive things are there
not jumping to conclusions
just because i feel it, doesn't mean it's true
no regrets, only now
i can do this
i can get better

i am rotting him
bringing him down and down
tearing him apart
i am poison
he won't stop taking me in
lapping me up
like a drug
im hurting him
by just being here
i hate myself

pointy needle
in soft skin
hold my hand
like a friend
take my blood
make a change
empty out
ignore the pain
this is cool
im okay
a little dizzy
but im glad i came

tiny red hearts
in a glass jar
silver string
on my skin

plastic promises
are blown away
by her careful smile
once again

maybe i could stand
to look outside of myself
for moment too

its okay
if it is

i don't need you anymore.

so love and be loved my friends!

i am glorious
i am golden
in my heart i am loved

you don't even hafta pretend
to like me

bring on your anger
bring it on!

because i am loved
by myself
and that is golden