~
1. try on everything in your closet and determine that you look awful no matter what you wear

2. play rachmaninovs elégie op. 3 no. 1 with the synthesizer tuned to sound like a robot so the fact that it's for dead people feels less heavy

3.  turn literally everything into art - including yourself and all reachable surfaces - paint, write poetry, make music, dance and be free

4. drink more water in one sitting than you have consumed in your entire life

5. put a box fan at the end of your bed, therefor inflating your blankets and effectively making a sick blanket air cave

6. reflect on every terrible thing you have done and all of the people you've lost

7. spiral into a deep depression and wonder why you're even alive when the only things you have to live for are universes away

8. remember that life itself is pointless and that nothing means anything until you force it to

9. pet your cat because shes a beautiful girl and she deserves all of the love in the world and more

10. absolutely, no matter what, never ever go to sleep.
~

i am
too much
too loud
too exited
too much
going on
i need to

c a l m  d o w n

i have
to let
you breathe.
i have
to breathe.

R   E   L   A   X

calm yourself
you are
being too
loud too
exited
too much
of everything

--

I
never
loved
you

~

sick sick sick
sick to the stomach
sick in the head

ill and unsightly
avert your eyes
too tall, too skinny
i don't like it

could've been two hours
or ten seconds
i dont know

he just looked at me
right into my eyes
with those baby blues
and *******
can eyes even be that blue?
i think i was staring
and maybe he stared back
but, again, who knows?

i don't know what he's afraid of
im not the competition
im not even playing the game anymore
he won a long time ago
and i gave up

i don't deserve that love anyways
i won't ever be that beautiful

somewhere deep within
there's a little me
who got buried under the weight
of every single day
years ago
she got lost to time
i want her back
she wanted to stay alive
and i need that drive
i need me
as i am today
to find her fight
her desire
to survive

i feel heavy
in my mind and throat
a familiar feeling
certainly.
sometimes it feels like the only way to
ease the weight
is to dig it out
grow claws and sink them in
behind my eyes
under my jaw
into the soft space below the back of my skull
rip it all out
tear away at whatever it is
until i feel empty
and clean
again

i'd **** myself
right before it ended
just so i could say
i finally did it

we are
all the colors
in the sky
at dawn
in october

i am full            of colors
blue and pink     red and black
always moving and changing
there are things i dont know
things i cannot know
and it drives me
crazy

i  l o o k  i n t o  y o u r  e y e s
b u t  a l l  i  s e e  i s  d u s t  a n d  f l i e s

i  w i s h  y o u ' d  h e a r  m e  o u t
b u t  y o u r  s c r e a m s  a r e  f a r  t o o  l o u d

i  w a n t  t o  s e e  t h a t  l i g h t
c o m e  b a c k  t o  y o u r  m i n d

i  k n o w  y o u ' r e  d y i n g
b u t  y o u ' r e  j u s t  s o  d a m n  b e a u t i f u l

w h e n  y o u ' r e  s m i l i n g

we're all just a bunch of dumb kids
we all just want to be special
im sorry i was an *******
i just want to be loved
but i'll figure it out
we all will
one day.

every inch of me
is breaking
and i am so very far
from being okay