She eats a thai chicken salad amidst a crowded restaurant,
no one notices her sitting there.

swimming with supermodels and billionaires at the spire-
so unnoticed she might as well be one of them.

A smooth jazz club,
she stays hidden in cigar smoke.

she wanders the city
night and day
yet no eyes meet hers,
no accidental shoulder brushes,
she walks tall and strong
ten pounds lighter than before
with smooth skin and silky hair,
yet she goes unnoticed,
she passes through the city
like a cool breeze,
and nothing more.

Jade sauna
just over body temperature
to increase metabolism
smooth blood flow
and sweat out toxins
my hair is up
there are no lines on my pale smooth face
I'm happy and peaceful
I look so serene
and so skinny
"'scuse me you speak Russian?"
it's one of the cute foreigners
I've had my eye on
flirtations ensued
and it was nice
to be looked at
with fascination
with cute wonder
getting complimented
through broken english
as he ran his hands through his hair
smiling abashedly
trying to make sense of my words
as I did the same for his--
we were up all night talking
"no halloween in Russia,
but if had, you be Queen"
he knew nothing of me
just this peaceful calm side
that smiled and giggled
and carried a conversation
like a feather on the wind
he saw a girl he could smile at
and say
"you are very beautiful"
"you have lovely smile"
I'll never see him again in my life
but what a wonderful memory to have of someone
nothing but kind words
and laughter
and peace
serenity
a few of the things
I treasure most,
yes,
what a lovely memory
of Annex the smiling Russian boy
who drank tea with me
at the Jeju Spa
until the sun rose
and the lights came back on.

I don't know why
I don't want to admit
I need somebody
to hold me
and love me
and tell me I'm beautiful.

not a moment of peace
serenity
constant noise
and fighting
and ignorant immaturity
this tank is too small
I am not a fish
I am a shark
a beta
don't keep me in this bowl
where I can never be by myself
I want to scream and cry
I'm going to lose it
I'm going ******* crazy
get me out of here

None of this has hit me yet.
It hasn't hit me so hard the absence of feeling has rippled into the rest of me,
to all things;
all events
and all goodbyes
are said with not even a hint of a tear
nor a hint of a smile
nor a fast or slow beating heart
it's said with words I know I mean
but they do not sound so.
This leads me to believe I am terrified.
So terrified
so frightened
so unsure
and scared
it has shocked me frozen
paused in time,
because if I recognize this daunting task
this great fear
this leaving of the few people who truly mean something to me
and the only place I have ever known,
I will not be able to venture one size 8 step into this great adventure.

It's time.
the prologue has been set,
the characters introduced,
the inner conflict clear
and the goals established.
and now it is time.
This plot cannot progress
unless you turn that page
start the next chapter
and watch your hero,
one foot in front of the other,
bravely go
to a world unknown
and face trials untold.
You cannot read the end of the book
you cannot get your answers
unless you read the hero's hardships
and triumphs
and all the times of love and loss.
A book without an antagonist
without plot twists
and tears
and complications
and thoughtfulness
is hardly a book worth reading.
there are necessary
unavoidable
plot elements needed
to craft a story for the ages.
the first draft may be a rocky road
and you'll be overburderned with tools and guides needed to write
but soon
all you will need is your bare hands
a paper
and pen
(for you cannot erase the kinds of things written in this story)
and determination.
And on your story will go.
On your hero will walk.

No one ever gives me flowers,
but I was given a rose,
I hung it upside down
and let it dry
and turn crisp.
My room is now empty save for the rose.
I untie it from the ceiling and carry it outside.
The blood red rose is now black
and trembles to pieces at my touch.
I snap it
and let it crumble
into a stream
and let the water
wash it
away.