Yeah there's an undertow, but it ain't got me



It's kinda like
When you get really, really mad
I mean you're mad
And then something happens
Like a song or a certain cast of light
And you realize the reason you were mad is nothing like the reason red blood cells carry oxygen to your brain
Or the reason you love pineapple
It's nothing like the roots of the tree outside your window
And you feel pretty stupid
You scold yourself
"Stupid, silly human being"
Then you forget what you had just learned when you looked at that tree or took a deep breath
You're thinking about other things
You're thinking about what you're going to do with the time you've got before bed
Or what that rude girl at school said to you

And then it's kinda like
When you get really, really sad
I mean you're sad
And then you receive a much needed compliment from someone
And you think about how **** well you've actually got it
It's so unlike that sadness
It's just like those red blood cells and that tree outside your window
And here you are feeling silly and ignorant once more
You're thinking about all that time you wasted
But there are loved ones in your living room and a blanket on your bed
It's okay, right?



And then
Then it's kinda like blasting music in the car
It's kinda like being made to laugh during a miserable school day
It's like your favorite road to drive
Or your favorite pen to write with
It's like the rattling in your speakers
Or your brown eyes
It's like opening bottles with your teeth
Having plans for the night
Getting away with things you shouldn't have done in the first place
It's kinda like listening to your music too loud
Or brushing your teeth
It's like accidentally falling asleep
I don't know
It's kinda like that
I think
Yeah

Sometimes people get
Inside of my head and
I can't get them out
They write beautiful things
Inside of my head and
I fall in love with them

I heard
If you hug someone
And never let them go
They become a tiny bone
In your body
That you forget about
But could never
Live without

"Not I," she whispered.

No concern
No meaning
No feeling
Deprivation at its finest.

I don't think about things the same way others do;
Actually,
I don't think about the same things everyone else does.
There are things that fill my mind on a daily basis that I guarantee do not ever cross any normal human being's mind.
Notice how I said normal,
It really makes me think, am I the one that's crazy, or are they?
What is normal?
If normal is being like everybody else, than that is not I.
"Not I," said the Queen
Not I.
Normal, ordinary, average, common, typical, general, normal.
"Not I," said she.
Not I
"I blame my loneliness on my abnormality"
A valid excuse is all I'm looking for.
I don't need an answer...
Because when am I ever in the possession of answers?
Not ever.
Just questions upon questions upon questions and contradictions upon that of which fill in the crevices of my mind.
I think of one solid thing and the next solid thing contradicts it.
Do you see what I attempt to control everyday?
Mental processes.
Severely intricate, contradicting, insane, mental processes
That race through my stream of consciousness with no intent of slowing down.
Colorful winds that whisper things softly to me
Like the constant pitter patter of falling raindrops on an idle afternoon.
Will I ever be at peace with these contents inside my head?
I am not quite sure.
But what I am sure of is that I would be lost if it all stopped, ceased to exist.
So for now, I am thankful.
Even though I keep feeling more and more crazy every single day.
Madness doesn't necessarily have to be a dire thing.
Normal?
"Not I," said the Queen
Not I.

No matter what I say or do, the road leads back to you

So you sit there and you realize you can't focus on anything
But you still sit there and you try
All you're good for these days is thinking and getting your rebellious *** into trouble
Thinking?
Yeah, I think that's the right word for it
You sit and you try to decide if you've changed
And then you think, if you have changed, is it good or is it bad?
And what has changed anyways?
And then it's gone
Because you don't care
You don't care about one single thing and almost anyone who knows you, knows that
That single aspect of you is the most obvious of your persona
How does that make you feel?
It's the truth and you know it so you leave it alone
You leave everything alone that has to do with yourself
You hate acknowledging the fact that you're human like everyone else
But you still find yourself asking
Why feel?
Why live?
Why die?
Why think?
Why?

And then you frequently find yourself wanting to give up
And you want to, so ******* bad but something keeps you holding on
The one person who you allow to let you feel because you can't help it
Even with your ******, stubborn wall up, he still breaks through and gets to you and then all the feeling is just there
It wasn't there before you saw him
But the second you come into his presence, you feel alive again
And it's frustrating because that same person who keeps you holding on and feeling, is the same person who makes you want to give up and stop feeling all together
I don't blame you because of the way you feel when you're with him
He's got you wrapped around his finger and you follow him around like a scared, little puppy
And you can never tell if he feels the same and you can never seem to figure him out
It's a frightening cycle

No wonder you don't want to feel
But no wonder you do
It's also sad to think that just by this person coming up and putting his arm around you is the one reassurance that shows he might care
And is the one thing that brings you back up and tells you not to give up just yet

So I see you shaking on the edge in fear and confusion
But I can see your reasoning because when your chest swells up when you feel him close
And when you almost give up but find yourself ****** back in, you seem okay
And you seem happy in a weird, lost, kind of way
So I guess things are okay for you
I guess this is how it is
But it's also like, I don't know why you're still waiting…