Evynne

Evynne Apr 2013

Always Growing, Forever Moving, Constantly Changing

Growing, moving, changing, nothing
I asked the worker at the coffee shop what he thought I should get
I've been more indecisive than usual lately
He recommended a chai latte
So that's what I got
I do strange things to avoid certainty, to avoid stability
I keep thinking I don't really know myself but I'm really not sure
Who am I?
A phrase that is in continuous repeat, ringing in the veins of my introverted mind
Who am I?
I could probably tell you
If I really wanted to, if I really tried
He said to me, "Chai tastes like... Merry Christmas!"
It made me smile
Dreams and coffee drinks and pages of books and sweaters
Is that who I am?
It is surely what I am compiled of
I am a wanderer
The girl who constantly says goodbye but never really knows how to leave
I should have mastered leaving by now, you know

I'm staring at brick walls
And a painting of two sleeping cats
There's music playing in the background
I'm awkwardly sipping my chai latte
On the other hand, seemingly distant, I am completely aware of everyone and everything around me
Always observing
Always listening
I like it, by the way
The latte
He was right
It does taste like "Merry Christmas"

It's already 5 o'clock
It's already October
It's cold outside today
Extremely cold
Yet, I've been driving with my windows down all day
I don't feel cold
I don't feel warm either though
I feel numb
I feel like nothing

Every day I just kind of sit back and watch the world go by like none of it really happens
Like all of it is a dream
I'm out of touch with reality
I rather enjoy it that way
Rather prefer it that way, probably
I know what my name is
I know where I come from, who I come from
So why can I not tell you who I am?
Can anyone really, truly, put into words who they are?
If they can, I am in a lot of trouble
Especially if they can do it easily
But that would make a lot of sense because it all comes down to stability
Or so I think so anyways
I haven't had any form of stability in my life for a very long time
And let me tell you, that is what will **** someone up
Who AM I?

I'm ****** up, emotional, and slightly neurotic
I'm only 18 years old but I feel at least 50 years more.
I grew tired too fast
Life is tiring for me
It's not supposed to be like that
Not yet anyway
I've been so sad my entire life
And my sadness acts as the very core of my being
I'm a strangely tangled up pile of thoughts and feelings
Past experiences and people
And this searing sense of nostalgia for what once was
And maybe even for what is to be

What do you call it when you're constantly thinking of the past and wishing it was still here?
When you're constantly longing for the future and wishing it would come sooner?
When you're constantly dissatisfied with the present and wishing it would disappear or change or something?
What is that?
Am I delirious?
Am I going crazy?
I almost hope so
I need some answers
The world is either in fast forward or paused
Growing, moving, changing, nothing
I am nothing
I am nothing
Goodbye

A poem I wrote October of 2012 in a coffee shop

Evynne Apr 2013

A Poem for a Friend

You are a good friend of mine
Always there, always so kind
You help me through the bad times
Always there, always so sublime

I am so very fortunate to have a friend like you
And you will be my friend forever, that I always knew
Thank you for all that you do for me
If it weren't for you, I don’t know where I'd be

Evynne Apr 2013

Do You Feel Real?

Sometimes waking up feels like going to bed to me
It's because I can't tell the difference between things anymore
Or it's because there's nothing left to do
It could also quite possibly be the actuality of my waning grip on reality
Do you feel real?

I'm just at an utter loss for words
And rightfully unsure in regards to how to go about fixing that
What does one do when their brain overflows but their lips never speak?
How does one go about translating their thoughts into actual words?
Why do I feel like I don't have any solid thoughts anymore?
Where has my mind been?
Where can I find it?
I want it back
I want my creativity back
My ability to access the deeper crevices of my mind
My ability to write about any possible thing that pops into my head
My feelings
My thoughts, my thoughts, my thoughts
Who am I? Who should I be?
Maybe no one
Maybe no one

Sometimes waking up is really difficult for me
Actually, most of the time it is
It's because I stay up too late
Or it's because I feel so different in the morning than I do in the wee hours of the night
It could also quite possibly be the actuality of my waning grip on reality
Do you feel real?

I keep feeling like a programmed robot
But sometimes I also feel really happy
It's like at times I'm inside of my body and other times I'm outside of it
What does one do when they don't feel in control of their lives?
How does one go about dealing with their own apathy?
Why do I feel so out of place but so oddly content?
Where has my mind been?
Where can I find it?
I want some stability in my life
I want to get rid of my delirium
My uneasiness
My confusion
My apathy, my apathy, my apathy
Who am I? Who should I be?
Maybe no one
Maybe no one

Some days I wake up with an odd, unexpected burst of motivation
These are the days I feel hopeful and resolute
But it all disappears within a couple of days
It's because I lost stability in my life a long time ago
Or it's because I don't know how to hold onto anything anymore
It could also quite possibly be the actuality of my waning grip on reality
Do you feel real?

I'm constantly disappointed in myself
For multiple reasons actually
Why is it so hard for me to do things that most people find easy and routine?
What is it that so greatly and definitely sets me apart from my peers?
How do I go about fulfilling my deepest desires?
Where has my mind been?
Where can I find it?
I want to be able to be proud of myself for more than just two days at a time
I want some permanence integrated back into my life
My passion
My purpose
My life, my life, my life
Who am I? Who should I be?
Maybe no one
Maybe no one

Some days are far worse than most
It's because I am able to overlook a lot of things & keep going but it gets to be too much
Or it's because I have acted sane for too long and just lose it
It could also quite possibly be the actuality of my waning grip on reality
Do you feel real?

I can't stand it on the days I do lose it
It's like for 5 or so solid days I can be so content and upbeat and then it all comes back and slaps me in the face, saying "Ha see! You're not as strong as you thought you were."
It's extremely frustrating and ultimately discouraging
Why am I beset with soothing waves of bliss and then destructive tidal waves of searing sadness and exasperation?
What is it that causes me to lose sight of all I've worked so diligently for?
How do I go about controlling these breakdowns that plaque me too frequently?
Where has my mind been?
Where can I find it?
I want it back
I want a life without the rigid limitations that others have always set for me
I want a life without periods in which I don't have to lock myself in my room and forget the world for days at a time
I just want some ******* stability
And I want some answers

Evynne Apr 2013

Daily Struggle

I wake up in the morning.
It is hard to get out of bed.
But the presence of my cat and the thought of a warm cup of coffee lures me out slowly,
Surely.
Every morning, I wake up starved of meaning and purpose;
Though, this absence is oddly painless to ignore in the morning.
In the morning,
Nothing is real.
In the morning I put on an innovative charade.
In hopes it will bring about a change of pace.
It never does.

Every day it seems to become more apparent to me that I struggle with most things people find ordinary.
And, effortless.
Every day I am let down by my efforts.
Every day it is a continuous descent and degradation into an ultimate and underlying dissatisfaction with what I encounter every day and with most human beings and the lives they live and with life itself.
It resides in the core of who I am.
I can't hide from it.
I can't cover it.
It doesn't go away.
Every day everything that should not prevail, does.
Every day.
No one would understand.
No one can.
Every day is the same.
Days feel like weeks to me.
Days and days and days.
What are days, besides a limitation on time?
I would enjoy and value the ability to live a life without the rigid limitations everyone and everything has always set for me.
Not possible.
Nothing utterly enjoyable is ever truly promising,
Or achieving.

Every night I crawl into my bed,
Tired.
Every night I cannot seem to sleep.
I lay there,
Awake,
Waiting.
I lay there in darkness,
Waiting for happiness to find me again;
To kiss me goodnight and advise sweet dreams;
To guarantee that when I wake up in the morning it will not all be the same.
Every night.
It never comes.
Every night the bed is empty.
I am vacant,
Always.
Empty.
I can be found contemplating my loneliness,
Every night.
Every night I have to prepare myself for every morning.
Every morning and every day and every night.

Evynne Apr 2013

Admission of Failure

"Words will never make you right," I tell myself over and over again
Don't you understand that writing is the admission of failure?
I can't just keep my mouth shut and say "What the ****" to everything on the way to finding meaning
I hide and think and come up with this language as some kind of alternate option for the weak
And not wanting to accept life for what it really is
Because no one actually knows what life is

Evynne Apr 2013

Throbbing Questions In My Head

One question I wish to ask you
But never will
Is
How do you want to make love?
Tenderly or violently?
How could I when our lips have met only once?
The thought is like poison
What does my skin feel like on top of your skin?
I might never know

Evynne Apr 2013

Eye Contact

After I met you
I discovered how dangerous of a thing
Eye contact is
Frighteningly dangerous
But lovely
So *very, very lovely