A son of God
I feel so stretched
Like gossamer cords my spirit is pulled
out as far as a galaxy
Image shakes
the shivers of foundations rising
against the scaffoldings of pain
marble white like fused tectonic plates
glistening from a sea of tears
“What a breathtaking Mausoleum”
I groan in faint and whisper in exhaustion
my fingers bleed from working chisel and axe
but my wrists are strong as ever
As rumbling echoes of thunder
Your chuckle reaches me
And stronger fingers lift my heart
and eyes
“Do not think of finished work,
don’t quell your growth with lies
So you say you wish to die?
For someone craving greatness
that’s strange to sadly sigh
Your life is far from over
not even yet begun
Don’t claim you’ve accomplished enough and with earthly ***** living done

Why are you first a Father,
Lord?

I didn’t realize the mantle I’d taken on
as I first tapped my pencil idly against blank white
I strained to put ink on paper
500 poems ago
Now I glibly glide words out
In a lyrical dance to make my impressions last forever

You are
a calm blur
It’s so strange for me
Not to rush to see
But let you slowly unfurl

To ask what is life,
Is to ask what is Love?

Why do I work so hard to appear pretty,
When beauty is my blood?
Why do I lay on the powder and paints,
When my skin could glow if I only let it?
Why do I envy her,
When God’s gifts to me, are just as wonderful?

What do I have to do to be beautiful?
What clothes should I wear?
Who must I please?
How must I speak?
What books should I read, if I read at all?
What shows should I watch, if I watch anything?
What masks look best with my stolen fingers?
What rings should I hang, and where must I put them?
What must be implanted, and what must be ripped away?
What must be covered up, and what must be dyed?
Is there anything I can remain?

Please everyone, and you please no one, someone wise once said,
Can I afford to please myself? To be everything I want to be?
Can I define the words for myself, without being hated?
I know the only way to happiness.
I know how I can please myself most fully, and that is by pleasing God.

Until you stand in front of me
and strip away your pride
crying real tears
for the way I died inside

It’s only demons in my ears
who love to speak your name
your face never haunts my sleep
the pain is only lies
coming from the deep

So I'm the Queen of Hiding
I'll learn to toss that title in the dust

At Manhunt I excelled, so long underbrush
Daily I did practice, as I played against myself
so well did I place the shadows all around me
I didn't know the game commenced
nor indeed that I was it

But I'll come out of hiding now

So what do you think the world is saying,
when you don’t get the attention of the people you’re looking to?
what secrets stream slowly out like shadows
in that silence?
what knowledge grows in the quiet of loneliness?
Maybe they aren’t who you think
you long ago learned the portraits you lovingly paint
are filled with your own ink
You can’t see clearly
so it’s time to move on
the windows may be just as ***** further up
but ***** windows standing still are clearable
Unlike the ever moving muddy rivers
your imagination took you down

Your soft, sweet, happy eyes
graced me
like a warm breeze barely whispering above
the butterfly garden of my heart

I sigh as they turn towards a breeze that  cannot return

My heart is heavy
though my world is filled with light
my eyes are full of tears
And it’s because I’ve closed my mouth
too many times
But all the words are about to tumble out
Maybe this is why I’m a poet
I’m trying to speak
while still being secret
I’m trying to be known
without tearing down walls in my life
I’m trying to be free
without really being free
All that is changing
I’m finally using my wings

I went to bed happily sure
I woke up more happily questioning

God’s Love has a way
of oozing into where you need it most

Your laugh lines
leave imprints in my heart
like the feet of birds on the sand
washed away with the next wave

I sit criss crossed
meditating on the present
questions of care and self preservation press upon my consciousness
My eyes snap open
there is fear
Writhing like a tangle of black serpents in the air
How they long to rip my soul to shreds
they hiss in hunger for my blood
they move to distract my mind from Good
their constant lie is that any small act could rob me of you

Without gravity, would I even want to fly?

Sick again.
My face falls,
Down,
Not far,
For there isn't far to fall,
My mouth cringes,
Something will change for good,

I will do all I can to never come back,
Not a morsel of chocolate will stop me
Not a peanut, nor an almond,
Nothing
Even as my heart is overcome with grief,
A quiet corner starts to sing,
For every fire brings a gift,
Of love and learning,
If I weaken in my body, I strengthen in my mind,
And as I lose this blood, I gain a truer heart


The cells in my body,
Have forgotten how to live,
In battle they do rage against themselves,
What can I do to call you to a truce?
Where can I find the words for peace?

I cry out to be saved from this body of death,
And long to be found in a different place,
But this is where I am, and I will not be chased,
Away
I will live, and be happy,


Oh my Prince,
Carry me now and show me your tender heart,
How you hold the weak in your arms,
And lift the heads of those who have no strength

You couldn’t have known your words would be poison
that I’d be allergic
taking so many the wrong way
letting them stick in my throat
I couldn’t find water to wash them down
Each of us with the best intentions
  
but we’re free now

Listen to the lies
Carefully recognize
The Devil wants to cut you down to a size too small
Flip them
and the truth will materialize
Before your eyes
He says that you are wise,
O fool?
Embrace God’s foolishness and become Wise
He says you are a fool?
In God’s wisdom you will Rise
and be no demon’s tool

in my lazy moments
when my mind searches for questions to collide
I’ve imagined you apologizing
asking if I’m mad
“I’m not mad” I say
“Why would you think so?”
But apparently I think so
more often then I’d like to admit
I’m wanting an apology

An apology
for bringing me to the edge
the cutting edge
the edge I’m no more than five steps away from
At all times
It’s not your fault
that I’m always on the ledge
looking for ways to climb down
jump down
run down
dive down
You were a journey I wasn’t expecting
but I was willing to take

Oh how I’ve wished you would talk to me
But I learned the hard way
Love isn’t something I can make
And when you walk away
You walk away
And I will NEVER
beg a man to stay again
Or consider going $600 into debt
just to buy a plane ticket
and a week to prove that I’m worth it
I’ll be confident
that you’re the only one who lost
But we’re both better off in the end
even when I feel like you stole
an opportunity from me
to show my love
ever so extravagantly

Pushes back the heavy doors of isolation
And suddenly you’re surrounded by warm
sunlight
shining through an endless open room
filled with gauzy pastel rainbows
flowing down upon you
like the most delicate of curtains

A pile of my poems
lies in deepening dust
I look upon it sneering
at its lies in deep disgust
But I cannot say my words are poor
No, my words have richly wrought
the only beauty I could bring
from such an empty thought
To those moments I have gladly said goodbye
that inspired my pen and ink
But I’ll bring out the poems again
for no piece of my art into darkness must sink

The pure innocence of it all . . .
the friendly hugs
the genuine smiles
their faces lighting up at the sight of the other
She imagined that they might fall asleep side by side on hard floor, content that the other slept a couple inches away
She felt their energy expand when they both were in the house, even in separate rooms their confidence and joy was greater because of their love for the other
The pure innocence of it all . . .
filled her with jealous dread

What is,
Poetry?
A dance ,
With words.
A cry,
That pierces,
A hidden place.
A key,
To hidden walls.

last April I cried
and cried because I hurt
not because something in me died
there was no loss of sunshine in my life
I understand why now
I understand!
I want to shout that out
now
I understand what Love is
and I want you to know it too

Be a Voice, Not an Echo
plainly blazoned print on orange
and I see that my whole life
has been me gasping
through echoes
to find my own rasping throat
and finally produce
my own sound
for once
and begun
now in a never ending fight
to speak a different color
than the ones I’ve seen before

I’m impressive
and I’m waiting to be impressed

Why is it when I see the ocean
I cry?
I laugh?
I dance?
I overflow with exuberance?
I feel like I am home again?
It’s as if I see my sister
my soul
my dearest love
and she laughs
and cries
and dances with me

Hearts aren’t heart shaped
So I carved a hole in my heart shaped like you

as little pink petals
float down on little, light filled breezes
and bees fly humming blossom to blossom
in their peaceful, mindful work
my little burdens seem to flutter down upon the waters
and swirl away like winter’s tired snow

I used to fall in love
when I felt empty and colorless
Now that I am full of color
I fall in love to share it

I saw you
for the first time today
my heart rejoiced and said
“You are so full of love, please shower some on me.”

my heart shivers and shakes
like a little bird succumbing in the snow
I clamp my hands over my ears
“DO NOT FEAR!”
plays repetitively over loudspeakers
I’ve heard that doing the right thing is always the hardest choice
It’s not
maybe it is
But I’m working myself harder than God ever would
it’s my own hands amping up scatters of truth to terrifying decibels
my own hands pressing play for another episode

Last night I dreamed you were a koi kissing sweetheart
I find it amusing how my mind takes the people I admire most
those who are intriguing and inspirational
and spins them joyful fantasies in my sleep
As if I didn’t do it enough while I was awake

I burn
so much hotter
than most men
But am I
a candle
burning at both ends?

Today I looked upon my world
and saw
That I cannot know anything about myself
until I have shared it

And the strangest thing about this new journey
is that what helps me feel less need for your attention
Highlights how much I wanted it
I didn’t know
****
I didn’t know
How deeply I’ve wanted your attention

Power is the trait
I most desire in a mate
To wield an affectation
exude an attitude of skill
To spike imagination
and a joyous sense of will
But I ponder this and pause . . .
For once again I’ve found myself desiring
what I long to carve across my chest
Seeking power in my hands

when you find a deeper love
it’s so much easier to give