You call out dreams within me
Like pulling out folded saris
from boxes waiting on attic space
Colors I’d almost forgotten
come tumbling down like a rainbow waterfall of fabrics
I long to drape them again
and walk my own adventures

I lay on the pyre
burning . . .
bleeding . . .
longing for my flesh to be finished
completely stripped away
Sometimes pouring is preceded by drilling
And joy so thrilling interspersed by lengths of crying
burning . . .
bleeding . . .
whispering away the trauma of old or newer lies
my Lover hears my cries
and calls me on to sing it all

A poem is a breath
that two people who have never met
can share

And we’re both too recently scarred
to be far enough from fear
of foolish affection
So we ask each other simple, surface questions
only a few every day

I find myself
strangely silent
my chat box sits empty
I think of you and sigh
once I did so well
why do my fingers hang so limply now?
my heart cools
as if floating in a murky pond
and I don’t know if I’m too busy
I’m too content
or I’m too ambitious
to pursue again
Or if I don’t believe
I know how to find a heart at all

My heart sadly asked for privacy
but the words in my mind tumbled out

I spin,
Like a skater,
Faster,
Pulling my arms closer to my body,
Then pushing them out,
To slow,
In,
Out,
Like cascading melody,
And weave across the ice,

If you think I’m on fire
don’t worry
The good will stay
Only the bad is burned away

I fell asleep
fighting to untie the fears knotting in my chest
that you felt less sweetness towards me
I tell myself you’re busy
I tell myself you’re sick
I tell myself this happens
and it doesn’t even matter
I am able to put it aside for the night
my head resting on Christ’s hands  
But wake up with a lump in my throat

I praise you, Lord
    for you have lifted the boulders of my  mind
    and broken up a highway to Joy

Poems have a funny feeling, especially before they start,
A weakness, a pull, a longing in the heart,
To give words to something that is just a part,
Of greater unknown,
Poems have a funny feeling, like tears trying to get out,
The steam of life’s hottest moments, gathering at the spout,
Their release is like a shout,
Of laughter,
And when the tears, and cries, and giggles,
Have all run out of ink,
Only sleepiness remains, and feeling,
That knowing is a little closer.

Gold doesn’t elbow it’s way onto your front door
It doesn’t scream it’s own name in throbbing lights
at night in city squares
It doesn’t drip down television screens pleading for recognition
No, gold waits
Gold sits with his head held high
But his body down in mud
He finds a bed at sea just as comfortable
there, in the dark deep
as he does old, forgotten heaps
of pillaged treasures
or the velvet pillows that support his form
contorted around bright gems and pearls
in palace throne rooms
He knows nothing and no one can take away his identity
even on the off chance they didn’t recognize him
He’s elemental
and you love him for his service
He lives to serve
For in service he is glorified

I was formed in power
Adam began in dust
I was breathed through bone
He recognizes himself in me
Yet cannot understand the change
Or his great need for the strength I bring
I’m his most important friend

Gluttony,
Like every sin,
Is built upon a Lie,
The Lie,
That what you have sat down to enjoy,
Is Closer,
Than Love,
My heart calls,
And cries,
Wanting to be comforted in real arms,
Not chocolate,
Not honey,
But warm mouths,
And strong hands,
And words woven,
In Heaven.

Throw your dice as you might
but you will never win the World’s game
For the rules always change
faster and faster as the day wains

Maybe I don’t know
like you do
how to tiptoe to the edge
barely getting in
barely feeling water on your feet
Maybe it’s because it scares me
I only know how to jump
All In
All In
I’m up to my waist
while you’re still at the shore
My legs feel like ice
but you’re walking away

Is it a stereotype
or a more common truth
that a woman finds her strength
when she walks away from a man?

Do you,
See me?
Have you watched,
How the sun
Turns my curls golden red?
Do you desire to know me?
Have you felt happy,
To see,
My *******,
And curves of eye lashes?
Do you remember,
My voice?
Have you given me,
More than a glance?
Do you know,
When I am near you?
Are you happy that I came,
And sad that I went?
Is there anything,
That draws you to me,
But you are shy,
Like me?

Poise and rationality
I think we can all agree
are key characteristics of Queens
but I’m starting to fear
that these things will never darken my door
thrown open wide to the wind as it is
No
The shadows that darken my halls are different

I want you to hurt me
accidentally
somehow twist the wrong words just right
or clumsily elbow my nose
I want you to see my red and tears run down
I want you to see me grin in the pain
I want you to see me heal
I want you to watch how quickly my skin grows back
I want you to know I will forgive you
So you don’t live in fear of hurting me

I breathe out to release . . .
what?
I breathe out to release . . .
what?
I breathe out to release . . .
what?
I will tell you when I return from meditation

You do not let a single day of mine fall
nor a word from my mouth
Somehow
You hold them up
In your hands they become like crystals
and form a long, beautiful line
A long, sparkling line of life
Nothing dull or dark is found within

I don’t know how to say it
adequate writing escapes me
but I’m suddenly relieved
to call myself a stranger to you
I barely recognize your face
it’s configuration of features
has finally faded
And I find I really would have hated
being friends

You’re so black and white
when I look at you
Like a creative charcoal canvas
like exquisite dot work
like the shades and shadows of a skeleton
You show me the world is still beautiful without color

As the pools of knowledge deepen in the mind
the outward appearance falls away
the refreshing convergence
of all past, present and future
creates a calm today

Oh human
so glorious and grand
I sigh in awe
as I stare into this nebulous navel
So full!
and yet so ready to hold more
That is the loveliness of You
every one of you
every one of you glorious and grand

So I recently joined eHarmony and you know what my biggest fear is? Going on a date and discovering the guy is sexist, or worse, only finding out after several dates. I’m fully confident I can spot most major issues before deciding to meet up, and any I’ve missed prior I’m sure I can spot in person, but I don’t have a clue how well my chauvinist radar works. I never really thought about this before this week. Maybe it’s because of where I’ve arrived in my journey of self-discovery and self worth. I ******* hate the term “Lady”. It’s outdated. I don’t have a use for “Gentleman” either. You’re a good person or you’re not. I guess this actually stems majorly from my pain in my last relationship, with a controlling dude who was a bit sexist. What am I afraid of? Being made to feel small. Having my feelings invalidated. Not being encouraged to express my joy, my pain, my sorrow, my anger, every part of me I want to express. That’s what I hate about the idea of “a lady”, it so often portrays a woman who hides her feelings. **** that! Change the heart, but never cover it up.
I want to be allowed to bloom, I want to watched in expectation and awe.
I want you to be waiting for my next move yet somehow always content.
I want you as a bursting star meets bursting star in emotional brilliance. I want you to be open and ready for all I am to fall into all you are.
I want a glorious canvas covering itself in shocking color to find me as their inspiration.
And that’s why it’s so hard for me to write a list of what I want in a man. I don’t know what to say, I want to be part of a ******* fireworks display?

oh, observe!
How the greatest hindrances of Love
are yet it’s greatest spotlights
A wall of resistance
must in the end be consumed in flames
And like giant ***** of gas mysteriously ignite
to become our stars
Roaring walls become lights along the path of our journey
Inward and Outward

I long to tell you
                   to get over yourself
                       Come love me
                run your tongue around
                             my lips
                 the only poison within
              is your own sticky hatred
               for your own sticky soul
              Your mind slowly lifts out
                 of darkness long laid
      the romanticism of your own faults
                      leave them now
                      And come to me

It’s nice to know
without you saying so
That you never loved me
It’s nice to know you were
as in the dark as me
It’s nice to know that it’s ok
Go and love another

in the end
it doesn’t matter
what the human body looks like underneath
in the end
it doesn’t matter
what the human body wore
the flimsiest of veils
or a walking edited wonder
it’s all but a soul’s projection
and eyes that see
see through everything
to gaze upon what they desire

Can I wait the hope?
Stay afloat?
On such seas again?
Will I dare?
To ever wear?
This heart upon my sleeve?
I searched the dials on our chests,
And look, it reads, Time Yet,
But rocks ahead, I bet,
No saying when the twilight falls,
And stars come out above our heads,
No vivid golden ones by us I see,
Except ourselves, are we to be?

the quicker you cry
the faster your face will be dry
And your mind clear again

I’ve been waiting
waiting for words to appear
in front of my eyes
like that invisible milk ink
trope
secret messages appearing over fire
for our victorious protagonist to read
But no words come
to describe how I imagine myself kissing
You
I’ve never felt so empty of emotional vocabulary
I don’t know if I’m just lonely
Just if
I’ve always been lonely
I don’t know if I’m finally
too old for such affected flights
of fancies
with strangers
my mind has picked up ostrich feathers as if they were diamond chandeliers
Too quick to hang them in the Hall and worship silly feathers
I swore I shouldn’t fall in love again
To love again
would destroy my weakened mind and body
I breathe in shaky breaths and hear you speaking rationally
between friends
I’m just a lonely lover
Too tired to be anything more
than one bright star
in the short hours before you see your dawn

I have dreamed of many boys,
And I come to realize,
That it is only natural,
To fall in love a couple times,
A few, a lot, have left forever marks,
Upon my heart, which I will not forget,
As I do not now,
Impressions I find, lift a little every day,
And linger now like fingerprints
Or bits of paint,
Flung down in happy play
That make me who I am.
There is nothing to regret,
Even if my wish was not granted,
And it seems too late,
To love only once . . .
And love forever.

So I’ve been reading poems
and crying gently
My soul sore from stretching more than usual today
this week
it’s been quite nice, but
apparently my soul could limber up

at just the thought
that you might possibly be there
a figure to my left
my closed eyes
not daring to make sure
my heart
silently trying to convince myself that you couldn’t possibly have come this morning
Light filled me
Like oil pouring into an almost empty lamp
Like a warm, anointing
spreading down from the crown of my head
my tired legs could stand again
my tired voice sang strong again
my weary heart felt glad again
The figure to my left
was just a boring, disappointing stranger
and I wondered at how quickly I had changed
all it took was a tiny thread of hope
to fill me with life
this little selfish desire for your presence
Couldn’t I find a better way to bring this light unto myself?

little whisper
wisdom soul
I’ll listen to your quiet voice

I’ve seen my inner lady
dressed in long, flowing organzas
she’s standing on the edge of sea cliffs
or the middle of empty, rolling hills
while pastel clouds flow past her legs
and pain ripples her hair
I think my soul feels stuck
like legs locked in position
almost exposed in sheer fabrics
the touch of sorrow has softened to a breeze
but endlessly caresses my being
beauty brushes my fingertips
and wraps around my torso
but it’s like passing petals on the wind
nothing enters in deeper

You rise,
in delicate, undeniable beauty
come once,
you never return quite the same
Today like the coloring of a bruise
that was the pain of night
A symbol that all trauma fades
into strength and story