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The only thing stopping me
From being happy
Is me
I'm my own downfall
Pretty sure I won't last long
I self destruct
And even though you love me
You can't change that
There is nothing you can do
I have to heal my inner wounds
And you can't help me through
I'm sorry but it won't be pleasant
I won't be OK
Most of the time I'll be crying
Mentally dying
Trying to smile through the pain
I can hid it if you want
Won't tell you anything
I just wish it would stop
But only I can take away my pain
Don't you wish we could really talk?
You are my personal taste of sorbet, sun-tan lotion, botched
slices of the sun that sit on my tongue like pills
before I swallow. I hate necessity, and crave your entity
in ice cream scoop sizes. I want to pull the batteries out of your back,
**** the juice onto my palette and spit it back into your eyes
so maybe you can feel the sting you left me with when you pushed
my heart off the side of the bed while pulling your pelvis closer to my head.
I hate when we’re cooking and you slide ice cubes down my shirt,
but did you know that’s the only time I ever felt anything
from you that wasn’t warm and bitter and bruised? I think
that sometimes your nightmares even scare me.
I can feel them when you sleep,
your arm flinching beneath my neck, how you curl
your toes against my calves and grind your teeth like you’re trying to fit
your square memories into the oval-shaped hole of my spine.
I get that that’s why you’re a little crooked, but you used me
to straighten yourself like the post a tomato plant wraps its stem around.
You took all the nutrients from my center and fed yourself.
You are the palm tree in my snow globe, but no matter
many times I shake you
the snow still falls on my shoulders.
Like a shattered window I
Am in pieces
Too small
To reconstruct
I know that you are a poet
I know that I don't matter to you
I know that I didn't really matter to you back then either
But back when I was actually on your mind
When I was under the impression that maybe you cared about me
I wonder if you ever wrote a poem for me?
I sure wrote many for you.
That's all I know.
I'd like to burn them with you now.
Along with all the memories and feelings.
I guess I have always wanted to be important enough to a person to actually be the subject of their poem, because I know I only write poetry about things that really matter to me. I'd like to matter that much to someone. Sometimes I wonder.
I hate you.
i tried to **** myself
and two days later i got a concussion from a car accident
everybody asked me "how's your head?"
and i said "fine"
but i thought about how no one normally asked me about the state of my head
because i was not fine
i was not fine
concussions aren't the only things that can be wrong with your brain
but why does nobody ask you about them?
just some thoughts.
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