so often have I
wanted to just fall
to my knees and

SCREAM

at the absolute top
of my lungs
hoping that
maybe it would release
just a bit of all the

RAGE, STRESS, PRESSURE

constantly building up
in my cacophonous mind

Just lie still, please
Sleep will come, I promise
You only have to fight until it comes
Your mind will slow, the voices will quiet
Eyes droop closed slowly...
Your limbs will relax...
Your breath will even out...

But, I need you to lie still
Please, Lovely,
Don't reach over there
You don't need it
You'll be alright
Just lay still
Succumb to gravity
Until the warmth of the night
Wraps itself around your mind
And the voices will go silent
You will be allowed rest

Just lie still for me, alright?

I go about my day
Through the motions I make my way
Until I get a familiar feeling
That always sends me reeling
I need another fix of my drug
These words that I debug
Poetry can be addicting
But never, ever feels constricting
Within these words I soar
Leaving me begging for more
Don't leave me feeling low
Give me my vertigo
That only poems can offer
From you, my gorgeous author

A year ago...
When life was unbearable
I prayed so long and hard
For God’s peace
Which surpasses understanding
To fill me
To calm me
To steady me
So I could think
So I could breathe
So I could eat
Ending the compulsions
Ending the panic
Ending the dread
And he answered
After I took a step forward
But now I’m not sure
If I’m filled with
The peace of God
Or the peace of paroxetine
Or perhaps... both?

Fireworks crackle on the streets
Seems fitting to celebrate this way
As we watch the world burn

You want nothing more
Than to be a good mom
To see me succeed
To see me happy
To have me love you

But you’re not
We’re so far past that now
You can’t make up for your mistakes
I can’t thank you for an existence I don’t want

I love you
But you’re not a good mom
You’re just my mother

It doesn’t take long
It doesn’t take much
Simply an idle moment
A single flicker of thought
And it’s on my mind
Hatred
Loathing
Directed within
Then in the pain
The desires start...
For escape
For pleasure
For punishment
For intoxication
For blood
For sin
Maybe I need it
Maybe I deserve it
Maybe I want it
Maybe I crave it...
So I distract myself
Until it’s late enough to sleep
I can retreat to the dark
Behind my eyelids
Where I can’t feel pain

When you start to feel nothing
Just empty inside
Sadness becomes inviting
A tantalizing high
It’s dark and dangerous
But compared to feeling cold and empty
It’s the best thrill

I;ve done it
escaped
from that ******* hell i''ve been livng in
can't ******* think striaght
but i don;t feel the pain
I can dance and be free
and just not give a ****
hahahahaha I WIN

I feel like running
I want to hide
To slip deeper into darkness
Dwell in the night
I want to throw these burdens
Off my weak shoulders
The heaviest of which
Is how much you care
It’s keeping me here
Teetering on the fulcrum
Between recovery and relapse
And I guess we’ll see
Which way the burdens
Force me to lean

Perhaps rules really were
Meant to be broken
Checkpoints, goals, objectives
You’re developed, you’re grown
When you’ve learned the secret
That rules weren’t intended to be followed
Not precisely, for certain
Everyone at some point must learn
To bend the rules

So... what does that make me?
The respecter of rules.
I did everything you asked
I took all the precautions
Memorized the guidelines
Never broke a rule

Am I... am I to be broken in their place?

I feel dangerous
Hatred, anger, adrenaline
Racing through me
Maybe I’ll take some pills
And have a drink
Just for fun
Let’s see.

Why are you so sad, dear?
What burdens tug on your heart?
Draw tears from your kind eyes...

STOP
NO!!!!

Why are you aching?
I can feel it in my soul

YOU KNOW NOTHING OF ME

You’re not well, my love

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!!!!!

Come here
I’ll hold you for a bit

GET AWAY

Wrap you in a warm embrace
Feel the consistency of my heart
Feel the strength in my arms

I DON’T WANT YOUR AFFECTION
I DON’T DESERVE IT
YOU WRAP ME IN YOUR

HIDEOUS

PITY

Let me carry it all for a stretch
You don’t have to do it all alone

OF COURSE I DO
YOU KNOW I DO
I AALLWWAAYYSS DO

Though I know you can, my warrior

YOU IDIOT!

But I can't watch you do this
Destroy yourself

WHY THE HELL NOT???

Slowly, subtly
I've noticed

DEAR, I WANT THIS!
LET ME GO

And it makes me very afraid

STOP PRETENDING YOU CARE
I KNOW BETTER

Despite what you believe, darling
You are really quite lovely

YOU BREATHE LIES

Your presence a treasure

STOP. NOW.

You are exquisite

YOU ******* LIAR

Sweetheart, just rest for a bit
Can you do that for me?

NO. I DON’T WANT REST

I WANT TO

BURN!!!

Sit with me
Tell me everything on your mind
Release every tear you've been hiding
I'll just listen
I'll just be here with you
Until you're alright

YOU FOOL
I HAVE NO PLANS
TO EVER REACH
“ALRIGHT”

please just don’t leave me alone
that’s when they come for me
monsters, demons
dark shadows from the abyss
my smile melts away....

when i’m alone
i have to face them, fight them
i struggle for my every breath
for they all want me dead

i’ll do what it takes to distract myself
tricks, games, sabotage
anything
i’m so **** desperate
i’m weary
i’m weary

CAN’T YOU SEE I’M WEARY

i’m suffering alone
grasping blindly in the dark
for anything
to take my mind off it...

On the ****** battlefield she stands
She can’t feel her wounds anymore
Pain so intolerable she’s gone numb
Her shield shattered
Sword too heavy for her fatigued limbs

To take a step forward
She musters all her strength
Then falls to her knees
The shield slides from her arm

Her hand can no longer grasp the sword
And allows the blade to fall beside her
Where she lies
Weak, helpless

Her strength fails her
And weaker and weaker
Her heartbeat grows
Waiting to stop
Eagerly anticipating
That one last breath

trigger warning: idk blood


i must be losing my mind

sitting here staring at the blood on my wrist
man... it's all over my wrist....
i could do more... but i ought to stop

but here i am...
just looking at it...
laughing...

i've found myself
in some delirious place
where the pain... it's funny
'cause there's so much
it's so ******* bad...
all i can do
is laugh
and bleed
and cry

tw self harm



I want to take the blade to my wrist again
I’ve been... I’ve been doing so well...
But something in my heart
In my stomach, in my chest
Something in my mind isn’t right
I really need someone to take care of me
So... I guess this is it...
Taking the blade to my wrist again
Just so I can bandage it
Because I know
No one else will

a year lost
stolen
taken from me
and now
a year later
i'm still recovering....

i took a few brave steps
to drag myself out
of the hurricane in my head
i was so ruled by fear...
but i conquered it

and as a reward
a few months of bliss
emotions soared high
i could've done anything
on top of the world

but eventually i adjusted
stabilized
then started dropping off
going numb
feeling cold

i was convinced nothing mattered
haunted and plagued by the past
depression took root
everything was wrong
i'd flatlined

to pull myself back
towards reality
i've been searching
for pleasure, pain
anything

i'm reckless
i'm destructive
I just want to feel
Feel my pulse, my breath
Feel the bliss, the wounds
Everything. All of it.
I desperately seek a reminder
I'm trying to wake myself from this nightmare
Jar myself into reality
Because I keep finding myself questioning
If I'm even still alive...?

tw self harm



Her skin burns
In the places she once held the blade
She knows she doesn’t need it
But curiosity and recollection
They tempt her
To fall once again
To relapse again
To cut herself again...

She sees the paths ahead of her
She sees addiction
She sees recovery
To cut again would be easy
Already she has supplies
But the momentum of healing
She doesn’t want to lose it
So hard she’s labored for it
So I suppose
For now
She’ll labor on

What am I doing
To myself?
I know it’ll hurt
I know it’s bad
I anticipate pain
Then I proceed!
What is this madness?
Why am I like this?

The darkness
Has always been an intimate friend
Whispering, screaming in my head
The entirety of my existence
Only to grow louder
To become more convincing
As I tried to fight
But as I’m gaining the freedom
To actually give in
It’s grown so quiet
Allowing its whispers to ****** me
I’m so infatuated with it
And I know I am tethered
Quite strongly to the light
But I also know
If I pull away from goodness
I will find myself with some slack...

Is destruction really so bad?
I mean
You can't build until
You've destroyed
Whatever was there
And maybe
What I am
Needs to be rebuilt
Maybe I need to face
My destruction
So that I can come back
Or maybe it's just
An excuse
To give in
And destroy myself

If you all would just leave me alone
Just give me the bottles
You know you won’t drink them anyway
Let me lock myself away
To be drunk and maybe suffer a little less
I’ll promise not to die
I just.... I just really need to not be sober right now

So many chemicals
Float around in the brain
I guess mine weren't right
Caused too much pain

They didn't care
I was in a good home
Going to church
Having things of my own

My life wasn't perfect
My parents would fight
But that doesn't explain
So much crying at night

I never did drugs
Drank, skipped class,
Failed tests, was bullied,
Or was harassed

On the surface
I appeared to be perfect
But I was always a storm
That you'd never detect

The chemicals which
Decide state of mind
Don't give a ****

I feel
                    so
                                  ALI­VE


It’s been a while
Never felt so...

                         so human.
                              real.

Living for a thrill
                                         maybe it’s cheap
whatever.


I’ve found this place
This sweet spot
Between

Me                          and.....               ­         her.

Where I kindle her fire
Let its warm glow fill me
But retain my control
It’s lovely
Quite thrilling
Finally.
I am

ALIVE

I see You here
While I am hurting
While I am growing
While I am learning
I find You here

I saw you in the trees
Growing tall and elegant
I saw you in the mountains
Majestic and powerful
Creation testifying

You reminded me
That I do not walk through
All this darkness
Alone
Helpless

Rather
You walk beside me
In me
Around me
Covering me

You are my protector
You are my safety
You are my solace
You are my value
You are here

I remember this feeling
Dizzying, exhilarating
I’ve let the darkness in too far
And for far too long
I need to irradiate myself
In the light of hope
I’ve been here before
And it’s so intoxicating
It feels honest and exciting
But I’ve been swallowing lies
I need a detox of truth

I’m angry with love
I thought I’d finally found it
Even with red flags in the air

I’d gone so long
Wondering if I could be loved
Needing to be loved
And I... I was so desperate
To mistake the mess that I’d made
For love

I just... I needed it...
I wanted it so badly...
That when I saw a chance
For any real kind of connection
I threw everything I had at it
I barreled past the warning signs
And all the caution tape
For that chance
That impossible chance



And it broke me.

tw: self harm


What a feeling
What a ******* rush
Just to hold it
To wrap my fingers around the cold handle
To know what it could do
Knowing what it has done
Adrenaline release
Anticipation
But also... comfort
It feels so nice... so right
Resting in my palm
And I know I shouldn’t...
But I kinda wanna use it...

I have a strong tendency to spiral
One drink and I have to have more
Then it’s better
Then it’s worse
Sleep... then it’s worse
And I need another drink...
Mood plummets
Thoughts get loud
Medicine becomes fog in my mind
And I crave blood

I survived to 21
Where I can finally get a nice buzz in peace
So here’s to whatever the **** is next
At least I won’t have to do it sober

tw self harm


Blood all over
I’m glad
I’m content
Satisfied
It’s only right when I’m wounded
Relapse was inevitable
I don’t even feel guilty...
I just want more....

I meditate on my pain
Simmer in my failure
Drink in my sickness
Torture myself with memories
Until I smile
Because I did it
I made myself feel something
Finally

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting, suicidal thoughts


If she drives the blade deep enough
Will it fix her?
As crimson pours out of her skin
Slowly seeping out
She feels... relief
finally... relief...
Like releasing her life force
Setting herself free
She watches as the blade moves
Allowing it to do what it will
It doesn't matter anymore
If it eases her hell... it'll do
Each stroke more desperate than the last
A need to feel
So she digs it in deeper
She draws it out longer

And, as always,
There's this thought
That one so terrible she tries to ignore
The thought.... to make it fatal

tw suicidal thoughts



Something about these pills...
It just rubs me the wrong way...
Something eerie about them
Their quantities
Their psychoactive properties

I just don’t want them in my head
Or I want them all at once
High doses
Overdoses
Or none at all

And why
Why the ****
Do I get excited
A sick hit of adrenaline
Thinking about swallowing them all
And ending it now

What’s wrong with me
Nothing’s wrong
Everything’s wrong
I’m fine
I’m broken
I’m sick
I’m losing my **** mind

And somehow...
Somehow the pills keep me a little bit sane

I thought I wanted
To numb the pain
But I was wrong
I can’t feel anything
No desire to live
No desire to die
No desire at all
I can’t feel
And it’s so much worse
Than feeling pain
Every breath is forced
Every heartbeat plain
This isn’t right
Something’s wrong
With me
And that fear
Is the only thing
That I can feel
So I savor it
So I stimulate it
So I simulate it
Amidst the emptiness
Of existence

Everything used to be so clear...
Don't lie, cheat, steal, injure, hate...
Do the dishes when you're told
Go fold the laundry
But when did being "good"
Become so complicated?
When did that voice appear
That taunts me to sin
Even when I know the consequences
I can't always tell wants from needs
The lines are so fuzzy...
So I live in no man's land
Sometimes even stepping over
Clearly crossing lines
Just to test it...
But I thought I knew
I thought I was good
Why am I so dark inside?
And why do I like it...?

There’s a story on my heart
One full of adventure
Of brilliance
Science and magic
Risks and heroes
Dark struggles
Haunting pasts
It’s all in there
Because
I want my heroes
I want them to win
Let’s watch them overcome
Falter then rise
Stagger then steady
Because if they can
These creations in my stories
Then just maybe
I’ll have the strength
To pull myself back up
From how far I’ve fallen

My darling...
Come here, would you?
Let me wrap you in my embrace
Breathe deeply, slowly
Maybe gently press our lips together
For a long moment

Come sit with me, Sweetheart
I’ll throw my arms around you
My head on your chest
Your head on mine
Sharing a pulse

Now, what if we lay
Nothing too comprising
Just be there together
Feel each other’s presence
Each other’s vitality
Your breath on my neck
Hands around my waist

I’d feel safe there
In your presence
Your strong arms
Your loving touch
My heart cries
My being longs
To be together

Please let me hurt
Let me grieve for myself
All of me I had to release
I know I'm supposed to smile
But I don't want to anymore
I need to cry
But I don't remember how
I need to hurt
Because it is after
I've mourned my losses
That I can move forward
That I can change
That I can improve
And when I'm finished
I'll be beautiful
So, please
Just let me feel this

I can live in darkness
Let my neurochemistry be
Cold, sad, anxious
Craving death to escape
Anything at all to escape...

Or, I can take more pills
Feel nothing at all
Just be low
Want to sleep
Too numb to care
So distant they all notice

But why... why is it looking
Like there’s no medium for me
I don’t get to be happy
Happiness is a lie
It’s a fantasy
A fable
So we hold out hope
That life will get better
Even as we watch ourselves burning
Our fortresses crumbling
Gardens wilting
Bodies dying
...

Things only get worse
But that bizarre human hope
It pushes us onward
To believe in better days
Though it would seem
That kind of hope
Has fled from me