F         a     d                  e                     m        e

           i   n                   a                   n     d           o    u                   t

o    f                       r      e           a   l  i                   t        y . .      .

I wanna l
                  e
                     t
                                            
                       g          
                       o  
                                
Of this world                          ...........                     of this life......

I WANNA FEEL

                  A           L                I             V                     E
                      A           L                I             V                     E
                A           L                I             V                     E
               A           L                I             V                     E
                         A           L                I             V                     E  .    .     .     ?

I love my "angry music"
As she puts it
Because it's so real
It sounds like my soul
This swelling, aching, groaning
The crunch in the guitar
Dark and powerful
A strong drumbeat
Killer bass
And lyrics that could make you weep
Or just want to scream
Something that hits you in the gut
And you contemplate
What they could mean
Every time it's deeper
It's better
And always
I play it louder

Lull me to sleep
Make me drowsy
Sedate me
I want to feel my limbs relax
My breaths grow slow and even
Heart rate dropping slightly
Fill my eyelids with lead
Induce a deep slumber
To quiet the noise
The turmoil in my mind
Take from me my consciousness
I desperately need
To rid myself of it

Congrats.
You’ve done it.
You know that scar isn’t going to heal.
You went too deep.
You lost control.
You’ll have to live with that.
You now bear the insignia
Of the anguished.

There’s so much destruction in me
I’d like to make progress
I’d like to try and get clean
Just so it’ll feel worse
When I fall back into my habit

I am my own worst enemy
I want to blame it on something else
Blame my parents
Blame my school
Blame my brain chemistry
Blame the universe
Blame the demons
Blame God...
But honestly...
It’s me.
Something within
Wants to rebel from goodness
Wants to feel the thrill of pain
The pleasure of sin
And I know it’ll be my end
But I hardly care...
I’m always at war with myself
Because in the quiet of night
It becomes so very clear
I am my own worst enemy

I don’t feel it much
But when I place my hand
On my bed
And my puppy
Sleepy, fluffy, innocent
Curls up around it
She passes on to me
A bit of her tranquility

How curious...
You’re rather intriguing
So kind and so wild
Gentle and loud
You hold little back
I can see you clearly
Flaws and all
And my... how respectful...

But what makes you so...

Unique

Is this:

You listen

You hear my self-deprecation

You notice when I don’t take care

You make me laugh
Really, truly laugh like none other

I’m happy with you

You see me.

You’re just so... good.

I stand next to you
And I just want you to hold me
I can nearly feel your warmth


But alas...
Though you’re quite kind
You’ll never want me
Not like that

So, why are you still in my head?

Find me a drug
To end this mundanity
I was so **** low
Until I started those pills
Then I swung up so high
Even this sad life I live
Felt exquisite
Everything was exciting
It all made me smile
It was probably fake
But I don’t really care
Because now I’m fine
And that’s the problem
I can’t stand “fine”
I’m adrift in reality
And frankly
I’m not a fan

She hates herself
Everything about her makes her cringe and cry
So she climbs inside a bottle
And tries to drown

In a moment of clarity
I knew
I was nearing insanity

What is this?
It's not Heaven
It's not Hell
Sometimes it hurts
Sometimes it heals
It's this middle place
Where we feel everything
Some days it's Heaven
Some days it's Hell
I just wish
It could make up its mind
Because on Hell days
Weeks, months, years
The hope of just one Heaven day
Is too much to bear

Depression crawls into my head
I try to lie down
To quiet the chaos
It gets louder
Demanding to be noticed
My stomach turns
My head aches
My hand reaches for the blade....
I don’t want new scars
I do not want new scars
I DO NOT

I think I’m addicted
To writing these words
Every moment
Free minute
I just want to write
I crave the
High
Of writing
Of these words
I chase it
Like a maniac
Running right off
The deep end
To be lost
In the depths
Of language
And the murky waters
Swirling in my head

Sipping bittersweet coffee
To drag me slowly
From my state
To motivate
The feeling growing
Heart pumping
Faster, harder
Brain less deadened
A little shaky
One more
Sounds just right...

You see,
I know I must be something truly awful
Because I’m not sorry for what I did
I’m sorry I got caught
And that’s how I’ve always been

Haha
There’s no empathy in me
So sweet of you to notice
I don’t ******* care
My heart is a gaping hole
A void you can’t fill
And to feel something
I’ll hurt you
I’ll watch you bleed
To amuse myself
And cut my own skin
To feel something more
Because I’m not a good person
Don’t get me wrong here
I am not okay
And I’ll drag you to Hell
Right along with me

Tbh... I don’t even mind the pills
I’ll take whatever you give me
And maybe a little more
I just want to feel okay
And if they can give me that
****... I’ll swallow the entire bottle

What happened to me?
I used to care
About absolutely everything
I'd weep with my sister
I'd make sure I always did my work
I was never late
And it mattered to me
But now,
These things don't seem to matter
In my head, I know what they are
I know how I ought to react
And then I find myself
Utterly blank
I just don't care
Did I realize what was trivial?
Or did I lose some of myself?
I truly can't tell.

I have no one to heal my wounds
There’s this aching in me to be seen
I want you to see the blood
Please, look at me
Look at my wrist!!
I’m in pain!
I’m injured!
And I just... just need someone
To dress my wounds

...

But I know there will be no one
And if I’m to heal
It will be alone
For no one is coming
To stand by my side
No one is coming
To my aid

trigger warning: self harm, cutting


unsheathed my blade
and held it to the light
and there, along the edge
a line of red
dried on
from night after night
of being used
over and over and over
in a desperate, futile attempt
to feel something
to control something
to see the damage
to see the pain
to attain release

and as i clean my blade
i'll wipe away the bit of me it took
to make myself bleed
so many times....
all over...
and then
i'll put it away
and move to wipe
my blood-soaked wrist

You think I’m kind
Don’t you?
I’m really not
But I’ll set the record straight
I’ll show you the ugliness
I’ll treat you like I treat myself
You’ll get it
You’ll hate me too
Just like I want you to

There’s something there
Lurking in the depths of my mind
Feeding me lies
Poisoning my heart
It makes me grow weak
I stagger through my days
My mind a jumble
Memory a blur
I can’t tell
If I’m even myself
When it twists my thoughts
Warps my emotions
Am I numb?
Do I want to be?
I don’t know what’s true
Except that I’m sure
There’s something there
Lurking inside.

Why does everything decay and fade?
Time touches everything,
A great destructive force
We exist to wither and watch everything fall
Bringing close to our hearts that which will die
We try so hard to create as much life as is lost
But once it is lost, it will not again be found
So we cry and ache and scream out
With a hope that maybe something will hear
And tell us why it is that we must live
Just to watch the world decay

Do you know
How dreadful it is
To be horribly upset
Mourning
Over absolutely
Nothing?
It’s full of angst
Unfocused, blind rage
And the guilt,
When I can feel anything at all,
Is overwhelming
Because I don’t deserve
To waste these sad words
They should belong to those
Who have earned them

My parents are insane
This family is dysfunctional
This house is toxic
It’s making me sick
And it’s all I have

It’s amazing how quickly I can shift
My moods are always wild
Absolutely no consistency
Just two days ago
I had the best day I’ve had in months
Maybe even all year
And now
I sit here
Pathetic
Disgusting
Solitary
And I can’t tell
If I feel nothing
Or if I’m in intense pain
I want to drown
I want to hurt
I want to laugh
Idk
I’m just..... wrong.....

What do you do with yourself
When nothing is wrong,
But it feels like everything is?
The motions of daily life
Leave you numb and cold

You want to justify the feeling
Confirmation that the world is wrong
But you don't know what to believe
Your mind has lied to you before
So you sit in frantic silence
Restless and crazy

You know you should be worried
About something out there
But you don't know what it is
So you just worry about it all
Driving yourself mad

Once the panic in your flesh subsides,
Your mind continues on
Chasing highs of stimulation
Heart pounding and blood pumping
Desperately pleading its case

And all of this
The wars within
And beyond your skin
Leave you here
Restless and crazy

I just want to escape
I want life to be better
I want to be loved
I’ve never been loved...

I’m dying
My light is flickering out
Faith wavering
I’m unsteady

And YOU all...
So caught up in yourselves
You’re blind to my suffering
I’M IN TREMENDOUS PAIN
You’ve all forgotten
But it never ended for me

My heart is weary
My head burdened
The only way to tell you
Is to make my body reflect
All the scars in my mind

You’ll see me fall
Notice just too late
To save that poor girl’s soul

Alright, you did it.
You survived.
But once again, it was by shoving all your emotions down so deep
You don't even know where to find them,
And now you're feeling drained, bored.
You want them to come out and play, don't you???
But now it's all fake.
It's too late.
But you acted respectably... mostly...
So you did well.
Now, you get to deal with all the **** you tried to hide.
Great job.
This is much better.
I can't imagine why you feel dead inside.
I can't imagine why you'd wanna die.

On my lips
On my tongue
In my veins
In my brain
Indulge tonight in a cheap moscato
Something sweet and intoxicating
Why do I keep wishing I had more...?

Maybe
You’re not the one
Maybe
You’re not forever
Maybe
It was just a conversation
But I can say with certainty
You reminded me I’m alive
And that’s all I needed

I hate that I wish for pain
For sorrow
Anything to justify
My feelings

Because I was born
With an illness
That makes me feel
So **** broken

Constantly
Aching to explain
The brokenness
Woven into my DNA

tw: suicidal thoughts



I haven’t felt it in months...
But I knew I should’ve listened...
I should’ve thrown out all the pills
All the orange bottles in my nightstand drawer
I didn’t want to then
I don’t want to now
They’re my way out
My backup plan
When things go dark,
I can offer them to myself
There’s always the pills...
I don’t even know if they’re enough...
But part of me is desperate to find out

My head ******* hurts
I took a lot of drugs
And drank
And I’m ******* dehydrated
And it just hurts
But i don’t think I could be bothered to do anything about it

I might be losing my mind
I feel properly unhinged tonight
Blood is gonna spill

Ask me about my scars
I’ll show you
I want them to be seen
I want them to be known
Accepted
But I keep them hidden
For most will not understand
But if you care
If you see me
Just ask
And I’ll show you
My scars

tw self harm



I’d forgotten
What it felt like
How I reacted
What it looked like
As the droplets of blood gathered
In the lines I’d drawn in
The sound of flesh breaking
As I swiftly pull the blade through
I forgot how much it hurt when it was over
The relentless pain beneath the bandage

But I’d gotten curious
My heart was growing numb
And I wanted to see if it still worked
The rush of exhilaration
The shock of realizing what I’ve done
I found it again
A kind of relief

I always turn this hate to myself
Because it’s easier I suppose
To just believe I’m ****
Than to face the possibility
That I’m suffering
That I’ve been damaged
By the ones I thought loved me

It’s so ******* hard to fight
The programming in your mind
When you’ve been raised
Playing games for love
Never knowing acceptance
Being stripped of privacy
Your mother telling you
Your tears are an embarrassment
Ridiculing your emotions

So instead
You hide
You learn to sob in silence
You learn to hate yourself
Because it couldn’t be them...
They couldn’t hurt you
They love you

... right?