I miss you tonight
You’re still always on my mind
One month since you gave up on me
And I would do anything
Literally anything at all
For one more conversation
To see you
To hear your voice
Just one more time

I love it when dark clouds roll in
Flickering with excess energy
Shroud my heart and mind in darkness
Excite me with a light show
As ideas flash through my head
My body acts without my consent
Making rash decisions
And I want more
Even when they hurt
Even when they make me ill
Even when they scar
Because the impulsivity
The reckless freedom
Of releasing inhibition
Is so exhilarating
It’s addicting
Make my heart pound
I dare you.

Drown it out.
Louder.
******* LOUDER

Why can’t it get louder....

There’s too much

My mind... it’s full of this....

This...

noise


I can’t take it

I don’t wanna take it

I want to drown it

In anything.

Cause I’m about to burn
And maybe I want to...
Maybe... maybe that’s the goal
Care for others ‘til it kills you...
It’s not a good plan...
But it feels right...

Oh what is it now??

Is it because you didn’t drink any water
To prevent drowning out
The copious amount of caffeine you swallowed?

Is it because you seem to have a habit
Of eating twice daily
With about 12 hours in between??

Is it because it’s 3 am
And you ought to be asleep???

Is it because you wait so **** long
To take your ******* medicine
To see if it’ll start to wear off????

Is it because you get stressed
Over every minuscule detail?????

Is it because someone not liking you
Causes you actual anxiety??????

Who ******* knows.
But regardless.

My head hurts....

I don’t know what’s happening
I strain to remember my past
Every memory brings more pain
But also eases the confusion
Still my head spins
There’s so much at work here
What a tangled web I’ve weaved...

Where the **** were you
Where have you been??
While I’ve been suffering
I’ve been in pain
I’ve needed you
And you weren’t there.
You promised me.
And I know it’s my fault
I know I walked away
But don’t you care??
Don’t you see?
Can’t you tell I’m breaking??
Where the hell did you go?
Where are you when I’m suffering?
When it’s so ******* intense
My only relief comes
As blood runs down my wrist
You aren’t there.
You’re not there when I need you
Why should I trust you?
How could I trust you??
God, where the **** have you gone

I think I’d very much like
To twist myself into a ball
To fold in on myself
And vanish from existence

Are there things that don’t hurt?
Are there things that don’t make me angry?
Are there things that don’t remind me I’m empty?
Do you have to remind me?
Do you have to remind me?
Do you have to remind me???
I see it
I feel it
I know I’m alone
I know I don’t want to be alive
I know my heart is cold
I know I’m unlovable
I know
I know
I KNOW
SO STOP REMINDING ME

I can’t talk to you
Because you think you understand
Blame the depression
But you... you don’t know
You don’t intimately know depression
Like I do.
So you invalidate me
My feelings
You try and simplify the complex
But it is complicated
And in your attempts to solve me
To fix me
You’ve alienated me
You’ve hurt me
You’ve lost me

Why does everything make my heart ache?
Is there nothing that’s not painful?
I’m tired and I’m lonely and I’m hurting
And I just need some rest
I need relief
Why can’t anything
Numb the pain

I feel odd
Not all there
In and out of phase
Waking and sleeping
My mind won’t commit
My head droops on my pillow
I think I should breathe
Eyes won’t focus
A nervous calm fills my gut
Tired but knowing I must wake
Everything in my head
Feels so sluggish
Let me lay down
Good morning

Every movement
“You should get up.”
“At least roll over.”
Every thought
“You need to eat.”
“You have work to do.”
Met by a question
Immediate, paralyzing, numbing
“Why?”

What the ****
What’s wrong with me
I’ve cried
I’ve screamed
Simmering.... boiling...
I can feel it
I’m about to explode

I stagger through my days
Feeling nothing
Stuck in a state of numbness
Spreading from the inside out
And just once
I pray that the thing I get to feel
Something just as strong as my pain
Is something good

But I know that’s too much to ask
I know the only way out of the numb
Is through suffering further
Good things don’t happen
Not anymore
Not to me

What would I like?
Oh... what's that fantasy..?
Been there for years...
Longer than I'd care to admit
The image, the sensation
The story of my fall.

There's always been something
About a fall
When the body just... fails
Exhilarating, isn't it?
To just... fall in defeat
Forced surrender to your flesh
Knees buckle
Ground sways....
Maybe the vision blurs
Then the world's encompassed
In a peaceful darkness

You've fought for so long, darling
Isn't it about time for a surrender?
Even simply a retreat?

Ah... but you want to fight to the end...
You want the point of failure
Push until you break
'Cause you deserve it, don't you?
You can't give up
Not until every last drop of blood is spilt
It's your job
You are the one to fight
Until you succumb to exhaustion
Until you can fight no more

You're ready, aren't you?
Ready to fall
You'd force it now
One last push
Take the final blow
That sends you reeling
The one that you can't get back up from
You're ready to be finished
You desire the delirium
Of being so near death
Just to drink in the exhilaration

You can’t do this to me
You can’t treat me like this
You can’t kiss me and tell me you want to be friends
You can’t do that
You can’t play with my heart
You can’t string me along
You know what this meant to me
You know you could’ve been my first love
You ****** up
And now I’m crying
Taking pills I don’t need
Dissociating
My heart is breaking
Because you couldn’t control yourself.

It’s on my mind again.
My little silver toy
Careful - it’s sharp!
The last mark fades
And with it my validity
There’s nothing wrong with me
Treatment is going great
I’m happy
I’m highly functional
Yet...... there it is....
It echoes in the abyss of my head
The place where self destruction simmers
It boils and festers
Gathers its strength
To come back harder
I know I will eventually lose
I will most certainly give in
Perhaps not tonight,
But sooner or later
I will surrender
I will see my suffering.

Ahh see here’s the problem

The darkness is very unclear

I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT

I’m tired of fighting...

Ready for a period of weakness

But that’s your cruelty.

You exhaust me when I have no means of rest

No escape.

I’m ready to give in to you

I’m ready to surrender...

But you won’t let me

Make me beg for a vice

But withhold them all

Just take your **** victory

And get the hell out of my head

My dearest, what have you done to yourself?
My beautiful lady... my sweet love...

Do not believe him, girl, you know your worth.
False kindness will only make you proud.

You're breaking my heart!
Dear, your whole body shakes...
You're not alright at all, are you?
Please... let me hold you...
Don't fight...
Yes... yes just cry...
Let me carry the weight of your tears
You know... you really are quite lovely...

You know you can never believe that.
That is a word you are not allowed
It belongs to those who are worthy of it.
Do not listen to he who tries to flatter you out of kindness

Are you bleeding?
Let me see... no... that's an old one...
My fingers will trace it gently
It's there. That's okay.
You poor thing....
What have they done to you....
Stolen the light from your eyes
Leaving them cold and dead
Dark lines underneath
That cannot be hidden
They have made you terribly ill

Oh, come on!
You know you've done all this to yourself
You little attention-seeking *****!
You ******* coward.
Can't just face the world like the rest of them.
You know you're the weakest of them

Just allow yourself to rest...
Let's try and quiet your mind, shall we?
Let me lie with you
Feel my presence
Match my breaths
I'll stay as long as you need
My beautiful darling,
I'm not letting go.

Once again
My body is heavy
I’m tired and I shouldn’t be
I can’t feel anything
But numbness in my chest
I’m not quite alive...

I'm not exactly in pain
I'm not exactly hurting
I'm just here
In this strange, surreal state
Where nothing feels quite right
I don't know if I'm fine
I honestly might be
But I have this nagging
That makes me wonder...
I've spent so much energy
On faking smiles
For so **** long
That I can't tell them
Apart from happiness
I want to believe I'm fine
But I also
Want to be in absolute shambles
And I'm not really sure
What I'm supposed to do about that

Look at me
See me
What’s there in my eyes?
You see it don’t you?
Yes...
You sigh heavily
Your facing dropping
You’re sad... hurting
Because you see what’s there
In my eyes
We stand a distance apart
So you close the gap
Wrap your strength around my weakness
Your arms around my shoulders
You pull me close
Like you don’t wanna lose me
Like you’re afraid you might
Cradle my head against your chest
And let me stay for a while
Safe... warm... in your embrace
Hold me until I remember
You’d care if I was gone
Because what you saw there
Within the depths of my eyes
Was their blue fading grey
A dying flame
Hopelessness and sorrow
Thinly veiled misery
You knew something was wrong
You cared to look past the veil
And you knew....
You knew what emptiness lived within
And you hoped
That even for a moment
You could offer me peace

You only like him cause he’s nice to you.
You only like him cause he’s nice to you.
You only like him cause he’s nice to you.
You only like him cause he’s nice to you.

You only like him cause he’s cute.
You only like him cause he’s funny.
You only like him cause he’s kind.
You only like him cause he’s brilliant.
You only like him cause he cares.

You only... you only like him.......



****.

I don’t want to do this
Any of this
All I really want
Is to listen to music too loud
Read and write poetry
And maybe get a little drunk
Because honestly
All of this “progress”
It’s getting old

I’m not here
Not present
Dissociating
Distant
Because
I can’t bear to be here

It’s alright now
I’m putting myself to bed
A few pills to make me sleep
I’ll calm down
I’ll feel pleasant and safe
My eyelids will become heavy
I’ll start to drift off
Because at least if I sedate myself
I won’t have the energy
To get the knife out

A few months ago I wanted to die
Trying to figure out how I might take my life
My wrist and thigh always bleeding
My future was black and empty

Tonight is different
I’m pretty glad I’m alive
Things aren’t perfect
I’m not always okay
But I have hope
I can smile
I’m not alone anymore

Don’t get attached
You know it’s not like that
You know that’s not how he sees you
You’re not pretty enough
You’re not tall enough
You’re not slim enough
You’re not even any fun tbh
Why would you think he’d want you?

But just...
I thought maybe... maybe there was something there...
The slight prolonging of contact
When we stood a bit too close
Mm... how soft and warm you felt...
I think you make me feel safe
I’m comfortable
I don’t have to hide
I don’t have to change
And... that seems to be enough for you

But don’t get attached.
It’s not like that.
It will never be like that.
Don’t let yourself believe it.
Don’t let yourself feel it.
Because honestly
You might be a good friend for him
But you’re not enough to be more

I'm not really hurting anymore
Not like I was then
I guess I'm fine
But that's the problem
I don't like fine
I'm so **** bored
Now that everyday tasks
Don't terrify me
And I know it's bizarre
Because I don't want to go back
I just want to feel alive
And all that adrenaline
Felt so good
Even though
It was about to **** me
I'm going stir crazy
Just being

I need to be cared for
Cared about
Desired
Wanted
Accepted
Noticed
Held
Loved
Seen
:
.
.
.

.
­


.
Instead I am
Heartbroken
Hopeless
Lonely
Tired
Broken
Ignored
Forgotten.. . .    .       .          .

On the edge of sanity
I teeter
Never sure which side
I’m leaning towards
But the edge
It burns
It’s unbearable
To be taunted by the voices
Calling from below
Whispering, beckoning
But I’m gripping reality
Too tightly
To fall in
Even though
Something within
Would like nothing more
Than sweet release

I think I need to cry
To release everything building up inside
But I don't remember how
I used to wait until panic set in
Then I'd explode
But at least it would be out
I can't panic anymore
The suppressed emotion just simmers
Under a layer of serotonin insulation
I can feel the heat rising
But I don't know how to let it out

I was happy with you
For the first time in years
I felt truly happy
I felt accepted as myself
I felt cared for
And you went and ****** it up
******* me over
And stole that happiness from me

tw suicidal ideation




It’s comforting
So familiar
Safe even...
A warm, soft thought
That it’s still there for me
I still have that choice
The option of an end
An escape
My death

Trigger warning: self harm, cutting


What strange bliss...
I can feel it
Really feel it

Man... feels like it had been forever
Since last my blade tasted blood

I took all the pills
And a few extra
So I’m sleepy... foggy
And ****... each slice is addicting!
Every one makes me crazy for another

And here I am again
Covered in red
Stained my knife and skin

I just wanna lie here......
And watch myself gently bleed.......
As I drift off to sleep......

You've all made it clear
There's so much evidence...
If anyone wanted me, wouldn't they have said?
All affection is false
Created to deceive and manipulate

But you know what's worse?
I've never been chosen
Never once has someone met me
And decided they wanted me
Never pursued
Never even inquired
Because something about me
Is so obviously unlovable
So clearly undesirable
That you all never had to say a word
It's all the words you didn't say
All the love I never found
That is my evidence
That you all
Don't care if I'm around

You were my medication
Boosting serotonin
Dopamine
Of course I felt myself with you
I know I need more meds
But I don’t ******* want them
I want you

tw: suicidal ****


Everything's going to ****
I can't remember when I last ate
Trying to figure out why I'm alive
But I'm just grasping at ******* straws
I'm holding on to something
And I don't even know what the **** it is

I keep thinking about how I'd do it
How would I end it?
I finish conversations
Then walk away wondering
How they'd react to the news
If I just... if I just didn't wake up...

I just....
I can't ******* live
I can't ******* die
I can't DO ANYTHING


I just wish I didn't exist




I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT ******* LIVE LIKE THIS AND EVERYTHING IS ONLY GETTING WORSE I'M GETTING ******* DESPERATE AND I MIGHT JUST TRY SOMETHING IF THINGS DON'T CHANGE BUT UNTIL THEN I'M JUST ******* STUCK IN MY MISERY JUST WAITING UNTIL NIGHT TO WATCH MYSELF BLEED OR **** MYSELF OR TAKE SOME EXTRA PILLS TO SLEEP BECAUSE I CAN'T GET OUT OF THIS ANY OTHER WAY AND JUST EXISTING HURTS SO BAD I CAN'T STAND IT AND THERE'S NO ONE TO COMFORT ME BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL BUSY OR FAKE OR LIARS OR MY ******* PARENTS AND REALLY THE ONLY THING THAT BRINGS ME ANY HAPPINESS AT ALL RIGHT NOW IS MY DOG AND HONESTLY IF IT WASN'T FOR HER I MIGHT BE DEAD BY NOW

Happy birthday
To the boy who kissed me
Then said, “we should be just friends”
I’m still hurting
I’m not okay
Hope you have a nice day

i need a drink
a shot
another
another
another.... a few more
i don't wanna think
i don't wanna remember
i don't wanna feel
i don't wanna be able to walk
i want to feel the poison in my veins
i want to forget it all
i want to feel okay
i want to be as unsteady as i feel
i want to stagger with my legs
as i already do in my mind
i want to require clear care
because apparently scars aren't enough
i just... i just want out
man... i need a drink
but i don't know how

Do you think
Just for one single moment
I could forget I’m alone?
I’ll drink until I can’t think
I’ll cut open my wrists
I’ll do whatever it takes
Just... just help me forget...