I don’t want to be alive

But I’m not supposed to die

these are not my best days...

whatever the reason,
depression returned with vengeance
it numbed my mind, my flesh
noticed a little
medicate a little
medicate some more...
notice some more....
until i was tangled
lost in highs and lows
feeling everything and nothing

i didn't mind
something twisted in me enjoyed it
being ill
unable to care for myself quite properly
things started slipping
my tongue had no restraint
my stomach always empty
my mouth always dry
my limbs would tremble
my body would shake...

my mind grew slow
weak and feeble
that's all i really wanted...
pause this curse of thought
feel my sanity, my health
slowly drift away...

but when i was needed
i failed
i could not deliver
i could not heal
useless
i'd emptied myself out
precisely as i had wanted
and i was enjoying it
until you needed me
and i was too far gone

I̷̡̛͙͇̺̳̠̼̫̲̘͇͙̐͌̍̾́͛̔̌̉̚’̵̤̖̯̞͎̤̤̑͊̒ṃ̷͔͎̹̝̽̾̑̇̅͋̈́͂̇̂̍ ̵̛̻̤̼̯̱̯͋͐̑̾͂̑̀̚d̷͓̣͓̜̗̪̝̬̰͕̠̥̓͐̿́̈́̓̂̓̾͒̚̕̚͜ǫ̵͓̠͚̳̤̈́̉̾n̸̰̣͓͇͉̓̊­̈̓́̏̉̄̑͐̇ë̶̡̨͖̻͍̱͖́͘ͅ




Ï̶͕̠̞̻̳͚͕̝̎̃̔̇̈̍͌̔̄̈͂͘’̴̛̣͔̟͗̈́̄̅̅̀̀̌̿̅­͊͑̌̃̌̉̈́̽̄̚͠͝m̵̧̢̞͖̱̩̯̪̉̎́̓̑̕͠ ̶̛̱͍̲̞͗͊͆̉͊͐̔̌͂́̚̚͘̕ḏ̴͉̮̍̾͂̀̈́͐̉̍̽̑̇̈̅̿͊͗̑̕̚͠õ̸̙̭̯̝̩̟̼̝̺͔̫̓͑̈̎́̋̐­̀̌̑̕͜ͅn̴̜̟͉̟̹͔̗̳̈̚ḗ̶̢̢̡̘͖̼̤̖̱̣̹̼͈̞̠͇͕̫͕̩̖̖̣̉̈̐́̅̔̊͛̂̒͛̔̌̓̐̽́̆̂̈́̕­.̶̡̫͓̤͈̠̣͔̘̜̫͓̫̗͍́̂͂̈́ͅ ̶̦̥͖̠͍̤͎͇͇̰̺̮̯͔̉̊͜










Ĭ̴̛͓̜̟̝̟͉͓͙̫̜̱̉͒̽͂̽̿͛̄̐̊͠’̸̢̧̧̧̛̛͎̟̱­͙̯̬̬̝̦͚̼̝̠̙͗̄̀̊̎̀̂̓̃͊̏̆̉͋̃̑̉́̍̒͋͑̏̓̈̈́͂͆͊̈́̈̓͛͐͐̂̓͑̓̈́͆̎͒͂͋̆͐̒̊̚͜­͜͝͠͠͝m̵̧̡̢̢̡̨̢̙̜̰̼̘͙͇̣̥̤̣̤͍͓̤̠̗͕̹̩̞̜̫̺̦͔̀̎̇̽͒̔́͗͒̌̈́̒̈́̋̎͐́̈́̽̒̆̈­̑̓̅͊̐͊̑̇͑͋̈́͋͌͌̅͋̽͒͒̈́̎̕̚̚̕͝͠͝ͅ ̸̢̢̢̨̧̨̡̠̳̪͖̤͉̱͖̘̱̱͖̗̳͚̥̗̳̹͚̖̜͖̣̣͉͔͎͇̜̻̠̣̦̻̪͈͉̖̟͉̺̞́͜͜͝ͅͅͅd̴̢̧̨̧̨­̨̡̨̢̧̦̜͔͕̠̯̮̙̲̯̫̹͓̩͔̥̩̤̣̪̼̳̺̳̹̠̥̥̭͕̪̰̟͉̹͓̪̺̠̙͈͚͕͎̼͙̘̻̱̱͇̙̖͚̝̪̬̝͎͙­̠̃̋̈͛̍̑͗̂̌̓̀͗͒̽̈́̈́́̑̂́̒̆͊̋̒͂̃͐͒̆̈́̾̉͗̀͂̅̃͛̐́̽́̍̓͆̈́͋̅̏̎̓̍͋͐͊̕̚͜͜­͝͝͝͝͝͝͝ͅợ̶̢͙̦̻̘̺̮̺͎̼̫̥̱̙̿͌̽͌̀̾̏̒̑̉̑̊̀̃̿̄̈̈́͊̅̓̓̈́͘͝͝ͅņ̶̢̧̨̨̧͇̼͔͉͚­̱͓̣̦̮̹͚͉͚̜̙̦̭̐̎͂̃̾̏̊̀̀͂̽̓̎͆̾͝ę̷̡̢̢̢̢̢̧̡̛̲͙͕̜̞͍̣̦͍̙͕̜̼̤̼̩̱̺̣͉̱͇̞̻͚­͈̗̥̳̹̟̬̭̭̘̱̫̠̞̬̪̲̺͆̀̄̏͗̐̓̓̿̈́̌͑̽͛͂̽́̌̏̄̾́̑͐̈́͗̈̍̕̕͝͝ͅͅ.̴̢̨̛̞̖̬̥̹̹­̥͔̠͕̤̟͉̤̠̇͆̌̓̐̈́͆͑̍̀̀̉͆͋̈͗̐̋̄̂̎̾͒̑͒̃̒̓̾̍̀͐̔͑̈́̐̑̈́͐̎̓̒͒̽̈͂̅͆́͆̄̑̋­͆̄͛͆̇̾͛̈́͂̕̚͘̕̚̚͜͠ ̷̧̛͑͂̓́̈́̿̉͑̈́͌́͆̔͗̌̽̅̽̌̃̂͛̔̋͂̂̀͆͌̈́̅͑̐͗̅̅͐̾̃̂̄͆̑̌̈͒̈͒̂́̉̓̈́̊̿̽̓́­̌͑̈́͘̚̕̕̚͘͘͝͝͠













I̷̡̧̡̢̫̬͎͕͕̬̫̪̝̫͙͇̺͔̲̥̳̺̥̟͚̩̭̭̹̣͓̻͍̪̙­̹̱͂͜͝’̷̢̨̢̡̛̛̰̰͙̣͚͚̠͇͕̰̭̳̳͙̩͈̖͎̗̱̱͉̠̞̘͙̘̐̏̑̇̿̈́͗͗̅͒̋̃͆̀̓̔́̿͗͂̌̋̓̔­͌́̉̀̊̈́̐̎̈́̏̋̃͌̃̿́̀̀̓͗̅̽̅̚͜͝ͅM̴̛̛̛̭͉̩͇̱̱̱͍̋͊̊̅̓̉̋͂͆̐̾̽̈́͐́̓̍̎͆̓͆̉­̂̋̈́̌̌̈̍̊̅́̇̆̾̔̋͊̔̔̆̔̄͊͆͐̊͋̍͋̆͘͘̚͝͝͝͝ ̶̡̡̛̯̥̩̝̤̙̜͚͍̪͓̻̭́͗̊̔̊̈́̔͋̒̑́̉̎̈̔̈́̌́̔͗̈́͆̎̒͘̕̚͝D̵̨̨̨̨̛̘͎̙̼͕̮̟̜̙̮­̞̤̯̠͉̱̦̮͕̺̫̼͉̼̟͍͙̄̿̌͐̊̈́̆͌̃̊̄̓͂̂̍̇͗̃̑̏̓͑̅͊͒̐͐̓̿̓̓̉͒͗́́͛̂̃͂͐̃͊̆͊̔̏­̎̉͘̕͘͜͝͠͝͠͝͠ͅƠ̴̡̧̢̢̡̛̛̛̛̪̰̮͇̳̫̣̺̠̮̱͙̥̖̠̙͙͎͈̟̹͓̻̦̥̻̖̣̻͚̣̥͎̹̘̣̞̺͔̇̀­̈́̈͑̎̋́̌̄́̓̂̈̐̔͒̏͆̽́̔̎̋̆́̅̎̂͑̈̃͐̄͗̅̓͑̈́̆̒̎̈͂̈͑̂̚̚̕̚͜͝͝͝͠ͅŅ̴̨̛̛͚̣̼­̫̘͍̗͙̞̱͎̞̬̲͍̄̾̎͐́͛̅͂̈́̓͐̾̾́̓͗̌̽͛̌̐̈́̃͑̈́̇̉̊͒̆͂̉̅̀̕͜͠͝ͅÉ̶̡̨̛͉̞̻̥͉͙­̩͈̲̦̩̳͎̪̙̦̙̯̗̯̫͕͖̜͓̭̹̠̆̒̎́̈́̇̇͛̊͒͋̓́͛̈́̑̉̌͒̇͛̑͂̂̉̽͛̐̊͆͐̒̔̏̎̄̀͒̒̇͂­͐̃̅̿̉̍͊̚̕̚͘̚͘͘͘͜͝͠͝͠




Į̶̢̭͎̫̠̫̗͚̤͙͉̖̝̘̗̲̥̪̰̺̹̬̱͍̤͇͚̤̣̟̩͔̻͕͎̮̞̀­̍́́̏̒̾̆͜’̵̢̡̛̛̛͈͙͔̰̟̦̲̩͖̮̮̮͉͉͙̬̤̱̭̳̹̝̟͕̩̰̖̥͚̰̦̭̣͙̞̗͔͇͈̓͌́͒͋̾̀̑̑̇̓­͌́̿̅̕͘͜͜ͅM̵̥̟̯͙͇̫̣̰̖̭̳͖̦̹͙̺̣͎̞̾̈̐͐͊͌̔̀̅̈́͌̃̎̊̍͊̉̓̑̂̓̋͗̇͌̈́̅̄̋̓̃͌̂­̽̓͗̑̑̀́͆̄͜͝ͅͅ ̷̢̡̛̭̪̻̼̗̦̹̖̙̲̰̮̗̫͓̞̜̘̆̂̈͌͆̈́̐̓͆̅̈͑̍̒̄͋̈́̓́̆͊̽̈́̚ͅD̸̖̥̼̍̇̑͐́̈́̇͗̓­̓̀̇̏̎͐͌͒̇̊̐͐͐͑̀̌̿̂͊̐͘͠͝͝͠͝Ò̷̢̡̫̘̻̱̞̩̮͓͇̪̹͙͙̭͖͚̬̰̦̻̗̺̱͇̙̩̘̯̎̽͗̉̊̈̓­̍͛͑͒̒̿͋̑̓̔̒̉̃͆͊̓̍̃̐͌̓͑̉̽͒̿̅͋̅͗͊̚̚͜͝͠͠͝ͅN̷̙̗̫͈̖͈̤̮͈͉̼͉̞͓̪̥̲̳̭͙̝̿̍͊­̋͑̽̐͋̒́̆̒̒̋͌̀̈́̊͋͗͌̑͑̏̉̽̅́͋̏̀̑͆͗̕̕͠͠ͅͅÉ̷̡̧̢̲͖͓̤̲̺͑̓̾̇̋̽̄͊̇̅̑̅̄̇͌͐­̍̓̄̽͑̈́̍̒̏̀̕̕̚͝͠͠͝




I̵̡̢̢̧̧̨̨̛̛̬̲̬̤̗̻̟̹̱͖̜̘̘̪͇̼̞͙͈̹̤̹̗͎̫̬̤͖̤̲͇­̺̟̫͓̫͉̰̙͕̱͚̪̻̣͈͍̖̞̪̰̮̤̊̆̃̐̓̃̔͋̾͛̈̍́̐̈́̆̇̅̉̉̐̂͊̀̂̈́̈̎̆́̐̃̂̾̑̈́̒̊̋͆­̓͋̾̄̽́̂̿͒̑̔́̄͆̒̀̌͂̌̎̊͛͑̀̄̉̋̈́̈́̋͐̑̏͒̌̌̽͗͊͊̒̑̈́̒͘͘̚͜͜͠͝͝ͅ’̴̳̜̘̻̀͆̆­̌̌̒̽͊͑̈́͒̓̈̓̔̈́͆̅̃̓̾̒̄̓̐̔̒̽̄͘͝͠͝Ṁ̷̛̛̛͍͇͛͊͒̐̏̉̉̏̾͌̇̓͐̆̎̓͊͊̈́̓̅̒͂̾̈­͒́̐̈́͑̊̎͒̓͊̓̈͑͆̒̈́͋̈͛̇̔͌̅̄̍̀̽͌͂̈́̏̉̌̔̽͗̅̾̂͘͘͘̕̕̕͘̚̕͠͝͠͠͝͝ ̸̨̡̡̡̢͙͖͖͍̣̦̣̩̯͍͍̣̞̰̞̮̤̼͍͓̞̱̬̜̩̠̦̤̅̅̒̋͗́̋̌͌͆̔̇̍̂͒̿́̆̀̂͛͊͋͊͌͆́̋͛̍͑­̍͂̽̍̉̃͗͛̍̈́̑̆̒̈́́̾͗̒̃̈̿͌̕̕͠͝͠͠Ḑ̵̧̨̧̡̡̢̛͖̣̤̥̣̖̻̬̳͚̣̦̥̜͍̹̯͔̻̼͇̩̦̘̭̖­̩̠̺͕̲͍̲͉͔̩̩̞̖̩̪̙̣̤́̎̈́̒̃̆͒̃͒̈́́͗̈́̓̆̃̾̒̋̍̒͌̈́̋̋͊̎̌̈́̿̎̈̌̊͑̊̓̏̏͛͊̍­̉̄̈́̈̓̋̋́̄͆̈́͐͂̂̈́͆̽̏͆̍̾͐̃̈̋̎͋̃͆̋̿͌̇́̐̇̈͒͆̈́͑̔̐͋̾͂͛̔̚̕̚̕̚̕̕̕̕͜͜͜͝­͝͝͠͝͝͝ͅͅͅŐ̴̢̢̡̡̨͉͇͍̖̬̘̬̖̞̦̱͉͍̫̩͖̤̜̼̪͕̩̰̲͔̣̣̠̟̥͖̝̱̜͖̜͇̭̮̦̝̺̙̳̜̦̣̰̳­̱̖̜̲̙͙͚̺̯͙̗̲̫̄̌͋̀̓͝ͅṆ̸̡̨̻̩̪̱̬̽́̚ͅẸ̶̡̨̧̡̢̡̛̛̛̛̛̛̛̛͇̱͎̹̳͕̥̟̗̲̻̣͎͔̥̺­̳̝̺̩͎̰̠̲̣̮̪̤̞͖͙̙̦̝͍̪̬̗̺͇̬̻͖̳͈̹͈̹̖̦̠̺͇̟̰̾̿̉̅͌͂̑̓̒̃̏̄̄̉̇̿̈́̈́̌͂́͛̉̂­̏̉̆̓̔̂̅̾̏͛̍̄̑̈́̈́̈̂͌͑̈́͒̎́̂̂̑͗̂̂̔̇͌̏͂̅̈̿͛́̂̂̃̅̑́̊́̍̈́́̚̚͜͝͝ͅ

Į̵̢­̨̛͇͙͈̰̝̣̱͙͓̝͖̻̝̺͎͍̞̠̭͓̺͇͖̺̝̺̣͍̯͕̼͕̖̙͈̜͔̯̻͕̞͂̏̄̑̓̓̿̑̌̓̔̏̅͌͛̍̓̈̐̍̈́­͐͆̐͋͗̿̎̀̌̾͋̈́̇̾̒̀͊̿̐̀̊̈́͘̕̚̚̕͠͝’̴̧̨̛̘̳̰̗͎̮̩̙̥̬͚̦̹̖̜͉͚͈̯͎̲̟̳̰̣͔̦͍̭­͖͙̺̯͈̗̭̳̮̗̥͍͔̣͒̔͌̆͛͜͜ͅͅM̶̛̙̭̞̞̋̓͐̌̾͒̅̉̀̐̑͆̋̃́̇̃̄͋̀̓̌̆͐͑̋̇̋̅͂̉͑̀͛́­̽͂̐̃̐̆̈́͋̿͒͂͑͘̚̚̚͘̕͠͠ ̴̢̛̤̹͔̳̜̏̃͋̎̓̎̇̀̾̕Ḍ̵̛̛̳̪̃̏̽̾̈́͆̈́̊̆̏̂͂̔̑͛̽͛̒̑͆́͛̀̔̀̔̋̋̒̋͋̀͋̅̀̿̂̽͊­͂̋̃̆̌̽̉̒̿́̉͊̈́̚̕͘̕͘͠͠͠͝͠͝O̷̢̧̧̨̢̨̲̣̰͚̩̳̮͈̣̜̺̗̭̦̝̯͙̱̙̜̣̣̻͎̤͉̰̬̦̐̒̽­̈́͑̑̍̃͌̀̒͆̐̾̈̊̅̉̓̉̋̇̌̄͐́͂͗̇̑̿̂̈̓͘͝͝͝Ń̵̛̛͈̼̮͙͎̪̼̙̆͋͋̅̉͊̄̀̈́̍́͂̓̊̂̐­̐͋̏̋͂̈́̓̍́̆̋̇͛̉̓̉̓͂̋̊͊̈́̑̑̈́̈̓̉̓͛̕̕̕͝͝͝͠Ë̴̡̡̢̢̢̨̯͍̰̪͕͇̠̻̖͕̮͖̻̣̭̤͈­̰̩̞̼͓̤̱͚͚̺̙͙͚́̓̓̃͊͜ͅͅ

I̵̡̢̢̧̧̨̨̛̛̬̲̬̤̗̻̟̹̱͖̜̘̘̪͇̼̞͙͈̹̤̹̗͎̫̬̤͖̤̲͇­̺̟̫͓̫͉̰̙͕̱͚̪̻̣͈͍̖̞̪̰̮̤̊̆̃̐̓̃̔͋̾͛̈̍́̐̈́̆̇̅̉̉̐̂͊̀̂̈́̈̎̆́̐̃̂̾̑̈́̒̊̋͆­̓͋̾̄̽́̂̿͒̑̔́̄͆̒̀̌͂̌̎̊͛͑̀̄̉̋̈́̈́̋͐̑̏͒̌̌̽͗͊͊̒̑̈́̒͘͘̚͜͜͠͝͝ͅ’̴̳̜̘̻̀͆̆­̌̌̒̽͊͑̈́͒̓̈̓̔̈́͆̅̃̓̾̒̄̓̐̔̒̽̄͘͝͠͝Ṁ̷̛̛̛͍͇͛͊͒̐̏̉̉̏̾͌̇̓͐̆̎̓͊͊̈́̓̅̒͂̾̈­͒́̐̈́͑̊̎͒̓͊̓̈͑͆̒̈́͋̈͛̇̔͌̅̄̍̀̽͌͂̈́̏̉̌̔̽͗̅̾̂͘͘͘̕̕̕͘̚̕͠͝͠͠͝͝ ̸̨̡̡̡̢͙͖͖͍̣̦̣̩̯͍͍̣̞̰̞̮̤̼͍͓̞̱̬̜̩̠̦̤̅̅̒̋͗́̋̌͌͆̔̇̍̂͒̿́̆̀̂͛͊͋͊͌͆́̋͛̍͑­̍͂̽̍̉̃͗͛̍̈́̑̆̒̈́́̾͗̒̃̈̿͌̕̕͠͝͠͠Ḑ̵̧̨̧̡̡̢̛͖̣̤̥̣̖̻̬̳͚̣̦̥̜͍̹̯͔̻̼͇̩̦̘̭̖­̩̠̺͕̲͍̲͉͔̩̩̞̖̩̪̙̣̤́̎̈́̒̃̆͒̃͒̈́́͗̈́̓̆̃̾̒̋̍̒͌̈́̋̋͊̎̌̈́̿̎̈̌̊͑̊̓̏̏͛͊̍­̉̄̈́̈̓̋̋́̄͆̈́͐͂̂̈́͆̽̏͆̍̾͐̃̈̋̎͋̃͆̋̿͌̇́̐̇̈͒͆̈́͑̔̐͋̾͂͛̔̚̕̚̕̚̕̕̕̕͜͜͜͝­͝͝͠͝͝͝ͅͅͅŐ̴̢̢̡̡̨͉͇͍̖̬̘̬̖̞̦̱͉͍̫̩͖̤̜̼̪͕̩̰̲͔̣̣̠̟̥͖̝̱̜͖̜͇̭̮̦̝̺̙̳̜̦̣̰̳­̱̖̜̲̙͙͚̺̯͙̗̲̫̄̌͋̀̓͝ͅṆ̸̡̨̻̩̪̱̬̽́̚ͅẸ̶̡̨̧̡̢̡̛̛̛̛̛̛̛̛͇̱͎̹̳͕̥̟̗̲̻̣͎͔̥̺­̳̝̺̩͎̰̠̲̣̮̪̤̞͖͙̙̦̝͍̪̬̗̺͇̬̻͖̳͈̹͈̹̖̦̠̺͇̟̰̾̿̉̅͌͂̑̓̒̃̏̄̄̉̇̿̈́̈́̌͂́͛̉̂­̏̉̆̓̔̂̅̾̏͛̍̄̑̈́̈́̈̂͌͑̈́͒̎́̂̂̑͗̂̂̔̇͌̏͂̅̈̿͛́̂̂̃̅̑́̊́̍̈́́̚̚͜͝͝ͅ




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I̵̡̢̢̧̧̨̨̛̛̬̲̬̤̗̻̟̹̱͖̜̘̘̪͇̼̞͙͈̹̤̹̗͎̫̬̤͖̤̲͇̺̟̫͓̫͉̰̙͕̱͚̪̻̣͈͍̖̞̪̰̮̤­̊̆̃̐̓̃̔͋̾͛̈̍́̐̈́̆̇̅̉̉̐̂͊̀̂̈́̈̎̆́̐̃̂̾̑̈́̒̊̋͆̓͋̾̄̽́̂̿͒̑̔́̄͆̒̀̌͂̌̎̊͛­͑̀̄̉̋̈́̈́̋͐̑̏͒̌̌̽͗͊͊̒̑̈́̒͘͘̚͜͜͠͝͝ͅ’̴̳̜̘̻̀͆̆̌̌̒̽͊͑̈́͒̓̈̓̔̈́͆̅̃̓̾̒̄­̓̐̔̒̽̄͘͝͠͝Ṁ̷̛̛̛͍͇͛͊͒̐̏̉̉̏̾͌̇̓͐̆̎̓͊͊̈́̓̅̒͂̾̈͒́̐̈́͑̊̎͒̓͊̓̈͑͆̒̈́͋̈͛̇­̔͌̅̄̍̀̽͌͂̈́̏̉̌̔̽͗̅̾̂͘͘͘̕̕̕͘̚̕͠͝͠͠͝͝ ̸̨̡̡̡̢͙͖͖͍̣̦̣̩̯͍͍̣̞̰̞̮̤̼͍͓̞̱̬̜̩̠̦̤̅̅̒̋͗́̋̌͌͆̔̇̍̂͒̿́̆̀̂͛͊͋͊͌͆́̋͛̍͑­̍͂̽̍̉̃͗͛̍̈́̑̆̒̈́́̾͗̒̃̈̿͌̕̕͠͝͠͠Ḑ̵̧̨̧̡̡̢̛͖̣̤̥̣̖̻̬̳͚̣̦̥̜͍̹̯͔̻̼͇̩̦̘̭̖­̩̠̺͕̲͍̲͉͔̩̩̞̖̩̪̙̣̤́̎̈́̒̃̆͒̃͒̈́́͗̈́̓̆̃̾̒̋̍̒͌̈́̋̋͊̎̌̈́̿̎̈̌̊͑̊̓̏̏͛͊̍­̉̄̈́̈̓̋̋́̄͆̈́͐͂̂̈́͆̽̏͆̍̾͐̃̈̋̎͋̃͆̋̿͌̇́̐̇̈͒͆̈́͑̔̐͋̾͂͛̔̚̕̚̕̚̕̕̕̕͜͜͜͝­͝͝͠͝͝͝ͅͅͅŐ̴̢̢̡̡̨͉͇͍̖̬̘̬̖̞̦̱͉͍̫̩͖̤̜̼̪͕̩̰̲͔̣̣̠̟̥͖̝̱̜͖̜͇̭̮̦̝̺̙̳̜̦̣̰̳­̱̖̜̲̙͙͚̺̯͙̗̲̫̄̌͋̀̓͝ͅṆ̸̡̨̻̩̪̱̬̽́̚ͅẸ̶̡̨̧̡̢̡̛̛̛̛̛̛̛̛͇̱͎̹̳͕̥̟̗̲̻̣͎͔̥̺­̳̝̺̩͎̰̠̲̣̮̪̤̞͖͙̙̦̝͍̪̬̗̺͇̬̻͖̳͈̹͈̹̖̦̠̺͇̟̰̾̿̉̅͌͂̑̓̒̃̏̄̄̉̇̿̈́̈́̌͂́͛̉̂­̏̉̆̓̔̂̅̾̏͛̍̄̑̈́̈́̈̂͌͑̈́͒̎́̂̂̑͗̂̂̔̇͌̏͂̅̈̿͛́̂̂̃̅̑́̊́̍̈́́̚̚͜͝͝ͅ




­I̵̡̢̧̨̢̡̨̨̨̢̛̛̛̛̛̛͉̞̥̻̥͚͖̯̩̗͖̣͎̳̝̟͉͖͎̟̤̯̣̟̞͇̟̙͕̻̯̼͙̺̮̪͔̹̯̳̤̖͕͕͈̲̯­̭̱̭̼̖͇̞̬̭̙̙͓̼͉͈͈̹͈͙̭̹̲̣̱̞̠̝̜͙̥̠̙̗̪̗̝͚̯̭͙̲̫̰̫̘͇̜̞̠̖͔̘̘͙͔̰̻͉͕̼͓̪̘̦͍­͙͍̬̯̋̆͂̀̈́̂͑̆̏̄̈́́̓͒̈́̽̐̋̄̄̍̎̏̎͛̃̏̐̾͂̀̓̔̓̓̍̄̏̀͗̏̒̆́͑͒̈́́̈́̓͐̃́̊̔̒­͂̈́̾̐̋́́́͑͊͛̀̒̒̊̊͆̽͛̅͗̌̐̾̔̆͂͂͐̈́̍͑̃͌̾͒̔̽̾̐̔̇̔̓̔̑̓͂͐̅̔̉̋̑̓̇͋͂͆̃̍̀̔­͆̃̏͌̉͐̀̏̅́̎̂͌̊̎͋͆͊̔̕̚͘̕̕̚̚̕̚͘̕͜͜͝͝͝͝͝͠͝͝͝ͅͅ ̷̢̢̢̨̨̢̨̨̢̢̨̛̛̛̛̦̮͔̲̹̰̮͇̻̩͈̻͉̗̗̱̣͇͍̟̜̯̭͔̟̯̱̯̯̦̦̻̻̦͇̲͕̫̙̖͎̞͖̳͖͈͇̺̝­̺͈̪̞̫̟̩̝̩̹̻̦̦̱̗̭̹̝͇̼̗͎̦̩͖̹͙̖͔̮̜̦̲̫̜̪̠̖̮̺̮̤̣̙̪͈̘̩͉̮̺͚̃̀̌͂͆̔̄̃͊͑́̀͊­̌̃́͛̏̍̾̈́͋̌̏̑̀̎̾̔̅̑͑̀͑̈́͋̾͗͂̐͗̊̈̍̐̇́̎̀̀̈́̉̑̈́̌̉̄̒̾͊̀̔͂̅̔̌̌̔̌̿̓̀́̿­̓͐͂̐̓́̋͑̐̽̊͑̓̌͌̂̿́̀͋̅̑̐̓̃̅̓̇̎̋̽̂͋̾̇́̎́͂͑̓̓̎͗̒͊̐̋̎̋̌̅̀͛̈́̌̓̎̊͂̽̈̇̀­̄͐̂̆̎͌̏̈͑̎͒͑̂̋̀͂̔̋̃̒́̅̈́̎͋̃̊̾̆́̽̎͑̉̌͒̒̇̃̀̽͂̏̔̆̚̕͘̕͘̚̕͘̕͘͘̕̚͜͝͠͝͝͠­͝͝͝͠͝͠͝͠͝͝͠͝ͅͅA̴̧̨̨̨̢̧̧̢̡̡̛̜̺͙̫̦͈̠̭͈̙͙̦͉̟̝͓͎̝͈̠̱̹̰͉̘͖̪͕͈̘̣̩͓͕̪͇͎͈­̭̞̦̜͚̮̗̠̹̖̤̗͚͉̻̙̖̥̜̱̠̖̺͎̞̳͚̯͕̥͍̭̰̰̘̳͙̩̺̙̭̤̱͙̟̲̙̝͓̜̭̤͈̪͚̿̃͛͐̉̑̏͐̏͛­̀̌̓̾̿͆̋̈͗͐͐̈́͒̂̂̎̆̄͒͋̉͌̍̽̌͑͛̎̾̔̈͑̔́̌̑̔̋̓̏̈͊̈̓̀̊̄̆́͒̈́̓̿̈́̈́͛̿̈́̅̊­̎͋͗̏̕̚̕̚̚͘̕̚̕̕͜͝͝͝͝͝͝͠͠ͅͅM̶̛̛̛̛̥̗̤̠̈́͒̊̓̔̐̊̑̌̔̔͒̈́̏̔̔̔̓͂̔͒̂̊͐̄́̔́­̈̓̊͋̾̈́̈́͂̃̈́̃̅̔͆͆̀̌̆̊̈́͗̉͊̍̃̐̾̉͐̍͊̍̒̓̿̋̂̊̽͌͊͒̾̓̈́̿̒́̑̒̉́͋͂̊́͂͒̈́­̎̓̓̔̏̌̀͂̑̋̈́̓̋̅̎̔͊̒̽̊̓̒͋̉̈̔̈͌͗̿̽̔́̀̌̆̃͋̍̀͐̽͆̎̽̀̒̀̈́̓̊͑́̆͋̎͐̎̂̽̄͑͋­͋̂̈́͒́̈͌̔̐̌̑̄́͆̏̑͗͆̊̽̀͌̾̐̿̈͌̾͛̐̾́̐̚̚͘͘̚̕͘̕̚̕͘̕̚͠͠͠͝͠͝͝͠͠͝͝͝͠͠͝͠͠ ̴̧̢̨̧̧̧̡̢̨̢̢̢̨̧̢̢̨̨̡̧̨̡̧̡̨̨̧̨̧̨̨̺͇̪̯̻͎̤͙̠͕̜̬̰̗̱̦̭̠͖̞̯̥̥̣͓̤̖̳̖̳͖̲̰­̖̱͈̯̯̟͈̠͚̺̠̗̖͈͕̗̤̟̰͈͎̬͕̙̦̦̹̟̪̩̗̟̻͇͉̮̞̜͚̩͖̲̮͚̭̭̹͚̤͕̦̜̦̻̞̮̭̫͎͔̞͙͎̜͈­̗̯̦̞̘̲͇̘̥̩̣͎̫̠̳̟̰͙̘͎̣̯̙̙̫͚̫̰̺͈̬̳͎͍͙̰͔͉͎̝̖̥̪̙͇̗̤̹̠͙̭͈͙̦͍̫͉̟͎̖̻̬̻͉̮­͉͚̼̼̮͎̤̼̱͎͈̯̦͇̟̓̀̅̊̃͗̏́̅͗̓̓̔͋͂͐̓͗̀̂͑̑̾͛͘̕̚͜͜͜͝ͅͅͅͅD̷̨̡̧̨̨̡̛̛̙̗̝̞͇­͎̣̫̥̮̩̤̥͈̮̫̖̝̹͖̯̤̰̳̣͈͈̞̪̝̤̬͇̟͖̥̹̗̣͉̘̻͍̲̯̥̯̙̦̥̼͓̜͙̹̬̝̙̙̭̤̗̙̉̂̽̍̇͊̄­͗͛͑̈̊͌̂̀̊͑̂̓́̆̐̍̎́̽̌̿̏͂͋̈̈́̈͂̽̄͂̐̎̊̂̔͊̀̃̊͌̊̂̽̾̃̂̋̏̃̋͋͒̑̈́̍̈̀̍͒̐̒̎­̎́̈́̓̈̒̌̌̋̃͊̒͂͌̃̐̿̽̽̽̂͑͊̓̆͛͛̋̄̑̔͒̊̓́̂̈́̉̕͘͘̚̚͘͘̚̕͜͠͝͝͝͝͠͝͝ͅͅỜ̵̢̧̡­̧̡̧̧̛̛̛̲̺̣̫̭̘̲͖͕̱̺̬̗̩̱̯̻̝̰͎̝̤̤̙̝͔̼̟̩͎͓̬̭̙̮̯͕͇̳̬̣͕̪̲̬̝͙̤̠͕̞̬͉̤̮͔̼̖­̠̦̭̣̬̹͙̖͚̩͔̙̣̟̮̯̬̮̬͈̬̦̣͍̈́̑̃̈́͗̍̐̊̈́̾̍̀̍̊̔̐̈́͊̈̀̄̈́͋̑̏̏͛̀̌͌̋̇̊͐͒͆­̃̾̏͗̈́̏̊̌͘̕̚͘̕͜͜͜͠͝͠ͅͅͅṆ̸̨̧̡̨̨̡̡̡̡̢̧̡̛̛̛̛̼͕̤͇̗̲͕̠̠̹̗̙͖͇͕̫͔̰̤̝͕͉͚̙­̮̼̜̳̬̳̙͍͖͚̦̼̪̺̦̹̯̖̻̣͍͉̝͈͚̞̹̥̭͓̥̙̫͖̜̼̺̖̣̺̜̫̜͍̘̘̺̦̭̤͕̼͙̬͇̩̝̩̟͈͍̳̥̜͖­͔̪̝̘̪͇͇͎̫̦̞͎̲̣̥̞̯͎̫̬̣̲̠̭̜̞̯̫͕̍̒̓͌̓̈̈́̽̇̔̍̇̾̄̓̃̐͋͆̃̆͆͂̉͆̈̉̽͌̇̐̆̈́́­̈̈́̎̑̃̾͒͐̄̏́̆̄͌́̉͐̈́́̂͒͆̿̔́͗̎̄̋͆̿̌̊́̂̈́̃͊̾͂̑̆̅̄̽̐̍̑̂͌̊͆̉̄͋͋̓̑́́͛̅­̉͋̄͆̓̋̈́̍̂̀̿̏̓͊̂͂̈́͊͒̊̄̆̾̊̋̉̅͑̾̀͊̏̄͑́̐̆̽͆͗̐́̓͊͋̎̎͌̅̇̉̓̆́̎̔̈̆̇́̐̇̍­͒̋̾̎̓̌̍̚̕̚̚̚̕͘̕̚̕͘̕̕̕̚̚͜͜͜͠͝͝͠͝͝͝͠͝ͅͅͅͅͅͅͅͅE̴̢̡̧̨̨̡̧̡̢̧̢̨̢̧̢̨̨̢̛̛­̛̯̫̭̮̤̥͙̗̣̟̙͓̩̱̥̙͙͈̦̰̥̞̳̟̞͚̞͕̯̻̘̙͈̮̖͍͖̖̳͇̟͓̲̠͈̘͔̬̹̠͍̣̯̤̙̺͉̙̘̩̺͇͔̯­͓̝͈̱͓͉͔̩̳̞͕̼͈̖̘̻̮̺̺͓͔̩͍̼̻̻̹̠̗̼̮̫͎͖̲̦͙̼͔̺̱̤̟̬̦̖͍̪̫͓̙̗̱̞̙̮͍͉͈̠̣̳̖̯̹­͍̬̗̳̮̤͕͕̹͙͚͕̮͇̘͇͍̹͖̠͉̗͕̘̥̝̯̜̩͚̼͕̞̺͇͈̦̺̩͍̳̫͔̲̠̠̫̱̦̗̩͍͉̦̓̒̾̄̋̑̽̐̽͊͛­́̾̐̓̉͐̀̔͂̐̌͑̍͒͆̿̅́̃̌̐̾̽̓̈́̈͆͆̽̂͗͗̿̑̈͊̒͊̋͒̑̋̿̆͆͑̊̓͂̈́͆̓̈́̓͂̃̂̀̽͐̈́­̃̏̈́͘̕̚̕͘͜͜͜͜͠͝͝͠͝ͅͅͅͅͅͅͅͅͅ!̴̡̨̡̢̨̛̛̛͈͉̗͙̟̖͇̻̮͙̗̟̮̪͔͓̻͍̹̺͕̱͈͎̙͐͑̓­̊̂̿͗͐̏̄͛̿̏̐̃́͐͌͆̊͑̔̎̓̈́͊́͆͌̊̈͆̒͆͆̋̅̍͒̓̆͒̂̽͌̀̽͗͆̏̑̂̄́͑̀͐̀̓͌̇͐́͊̈́͑­͋͒̈́͌̔͌̀̌̌̇̏͑̓̃́̌̃̃͂́́̊͗̊͛͑͐̄͂̾̈́͋̃̂́͗͛̋̐̈́͊́̀̾̃̊͗́͂̓͆̇̿̐̏̽̓͌͛͊̔͆­͌̏͌̎͂̂̋̏̆̌̍̍͗̔̈́̂̃̓͂̊̌̄̊̓̇̇͐̍̂̇͐͌́̍̊͆̽̈́͗̉̒̈̄̿̃̽̃͌̀̿̒͑͆́̒̉͌̍̏̕̕͘̕­̚͘̚̚͘͘͘̕̕̕̚̚͘͜͝͝͝͝͠͝͝͠͝͝͠͝͝͠͠͝͝͝!̵̢̡̨̧̨̧̡̡̧̡̡̛̛̛̛̛̛̛͍̤̙̯̞̝̞̥͚̖̦͓̰­͙̲̺͉͉̰̝̥͕̪͚̫̬̫̲̭͖̙̦̝̦̘̠̱̙̲̯͈͔̮̤̺͚̰̥̗̼̼̖̖͇̬͙̭͍͍͎̬̫̣̦̺̜̯̮͖̘̮̺̦͓̪̠̗̣­͔̪͖̠͇̺̼̭̭͕͚̺̝̮̰̝͈̳̙͎͕̠̤̳̦͇̐͒̇̈́̈́͌̅̌̆̓̔̾̈́͆̽̒̌̿̀̈̽̔̓̾̐͑́̌͛̓͛̍́̆̆̽­̋̓̌̎̽́̇̾̈́̆̊̈́͗̔͊͐̌̎̇͑͌͒͋͑̏̍̃̅̄͊̾͊̎̈́̆̈̏̐̂̈́̓̐͒̉̋̋̇̀͆̀̂̓̃͛̿̀͋͋͆̄́­̒̽̂̑̓͋̾̀͑̉̅̀̈̅̽́̐̊̈́̾̀̔͂̃̏̿̓̓̑̋̐̈̐͋̀̿̊̒͌̐͐̆͂͗̂́̄̃̀̌̌̉̈́̿̿̓̒͋̈́̏̌̊­̍̎̉̌͌̒̆̿́̃͘͘̕̚̚̚̕̚̕̕̚̕̚̕̚̕̚̚͘͘̚̕͜͜͝͝͝͝͝͝͠͝͝͠͝ͅͅͅ












Just­ ******* end it

Tell me
What does it feel like
When someone cares?
Not only so you don’t embarrass them
But that they look into your eyes
And they want to know what you feel
They want to know what’s in your mind
What’s it like
When someone values your opinions?
When you show someone your flaws
And they don’t run away?
Please, indulge this lonely soul
And tell me
What does it feel like
To be loved?

I think I’m dying
Slowly
Terribly
Everything that made me alive
Has left me
My heart isn’t beating
My blood grows stagnant
My skin becomes cold
And now... now I just want...
I want to make it real
I want to make it clear
I’m dying
I am dead.

I want to feel everything
And nothing at all

There's nothing in my life

There are a few people I love
(most of whom abuse me)

There are a few who claim to care
(but don't really want to help)

There are dogs who love me unconditionally
(but I have this annoying desire for human contact)

I have a job I'm quite good at
(that's minimum wage and currently closed)

I'm working towards a degree in something I enjoy
(but in the end it'll have me selling my soul to capitalism)

And I can't get out of my head how incredibly subpar I must be to never once have had anyone even mildly romantically interested in me
(I shouldn't let it bother me... but **** it really does...)

I am living only because no one will let me die
(though it would be the most humane option from my point of view)

finally
weakness.
the energy expelled
fatigue in my heart
exhaustion in my mind
lethargy in my body
now to enjoy the aftermath
something old stirs
memories... desires
just sleep
you’re done fighting for now
you’ve done enough
it’s time to rest
time to rebuild
enjoy the feeling
of defenses broken down
just like you wanted
to allow yourself to be weak

tw: self harm


I’m ready to go home and bleed
It’s relaxing
Calming
De-stressing

How did I get here?
When did self damage become normal?
When did hurting myself become coping?
When did I decide that was better?
When did it become a habit?
When did it become a craving?
When did it become an addiction?