Smile at me
Say my name
Gently lay your hands
On my hips
Look deep into my eyes
Smile again
Like I’m all you
Ever wanted
Then pull me close to
Your chest
So I can feel your
Warmth
Breath
Heart
And just stay
Stay like this with me
Until my head stops spinning
My thoughts slow down
Until it’s just us
Please, just
Stay.

Nonononono...
I am...
I’m...
I am suicidal

I thought those feelings were gone
Dealt with and over
But just a moment of reading
Going back through our past...
Hearing how you spoke to me...
And it all came back...
Powerful and terrible
Lovely and comforting
Until I remembered
You’re not mine
I don’t get to have you
And it hurts everywhere...
An aching from my heart through my limbs
Because I miss you
I miss that
And I miss the fantasy
That I called, “us”

I thought
If I could just
Relax
Calm my tired body
It would be better
But it turns out
In the calm and quiet
I can hear so clearly
So loudly
Everything that’s troubling me
Torturing me
So I stay busy
I run
Exhaust myself
And then
Once again
I rest
And hear it all again
I just....
I need a silence
That doesn’t torture me

Maybe this will work
Maybe this is it
Maybe this is the plan
The one that will change things...

I feel hope teasing me
Because it’s still dark
There’s still something terrible within me
But maybe... I think perhaps...
I may yet see dawn

You do realize you’re a horrible person,
Don’t you?
Seeking out the pain of others
To stress you, excite you
To trigger you
Abusing your empathy
Do you really just want to be in constant pain?
That can be arranged, you know
They just won’t like it.
There will be consequences
Everything has so many ****
CONSEQUENCES!
Why can’t I just...
Why can’t you just be free?
Just have some ******* fun??
Why is this what I am reduced to?
THIS IS SO MUCH MORE DANGEROUS
You don’t ******* get it
Everything you’ve done
To “protect” me
To shield me
IT HAS ALL BACKFIRED

I want to break free of my captivity
Of my strangling naivety
Bust the hinges off my cage
A violent escape
And if I get there
If I reach that point,
I will most certainly
Leave calamity in my wake.

There’s a storm coming
That these pages cannot contain
There’s too much
All tangled and fused
Webbed together in a mass
I’m going to survive the calamity
But I’m not going to want to

Ya know... if I just keep dumping
More alcohol down my throat
I start to forget
I forget I don’t like living
I forget I don’t want to be alive
I forget everybody hates me
Because I’ve put so much poison into myself
I can’t even think

I’m too afraid of breaking
I don’t know if I can make it through
Another heartbreak

So I run however I can
Hide from my feelings
Work, pills, tv
Just dissociate
Hold it in
Because feeling it will be worse
Facing it is to spiral again
I can’t survive that
So... I guess I have to run
A few more pills won’t hurt
Not yet anyway

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting


can't think
read
hear
my mind... it's..... it's buzzing
no thought
just static
perfectly focused
on the lovely blade
dancing around my fingertips
i'm dizzy
anticipation?
excitement?
fear?
i don't care
it feels nice
i'm not thinking
but... the desire
it calls the blade back
to my delicate, smooth wrist
and i haven't decided yet
if i wanna fight

I like to live on fire
Feeling deeply
Loving recklessly
I crave passion
Seeking thunderous storms
Easily bored
With mundane reality
Sinking low
Deeply depressed
I require stimulation
So I throw thoughts around
Inside my head
Creating worlds
In which I’m able to
Live on fire

Some days...
Some days it’s just so bad...
My skin feels like fire
I want to tear it off
Everything aches
And everything
Is a trigger

I don’t really want to be cold
I don’t really want to be in pain
I don’t really want to be fighting

Honestly, it’s exhausting

I just sort of....

I want to be wrapped in a warm embrace
I want to be caressed by someone kind
I want to be affirmed gently

Perhaps it would ease my burdens
Perhaps it would bring me peace
Perhaps it would allow me to rest

Because, frankly,
I’m exhausted

There’s always blood on my hands
And it always belongs
To me.

I don’t want to be here

I take care of all of you
I make sure you’re all okay
And part of that job
Requires me to say,
“I’m fine”
When I know
You don’t have it in you
To take care of me

For a moment
I’m free
The darkness, the cold
It releases its grip
I have energy, I can feel
And as I finally am ready
To do something good for myself
It pulls me in tight
And promises never to let go again

A nice feeling...                                                       ­                                    .
                        pleasant...                            ­                                           .  .
                                       inviting...                                               y
As fuzziness floods the mind.....                              a
Let me d  r  i     f   t                 a              w                  
I'm ready.
End this day.
Take my consciousness away
I'll probably want it later
But not now
I'm finished for a bit
Grant me these sacred hours
In which I don't have to think
Free me of this curse of existence
Just for a little while.....

I thought I was alive
But then I looked around me
I started questioning
And the more I wondered
The more I discovered
That this isn’t it
There’s too much longing
Within my soul
For greater things
For this to be everything
But with that realization
Came the desire to rush
To reach eternity
But I have to finish
My fight on this ground
Before I reach out my palm
To touch destiny

I think it’s getting bad again
The signs are slowly appearing
Forgetting to eat
Adrenaline spikes
Self-medicating
Disinterest
Forgetfulness
But if I can make it go away
By my appointment
I can pretend
It never happened...

tw suicidal ideation



My how exciting a thought...
To finish it
In one brave motion
Taking the blade to my wrist
Watching garnet pour from my flesh
Til my head gets dizzy
I feel weak, faint
So I lie and wait
For the embrace of darkness
As consciousness fails me
I finally escape this ****** corpse

It crept up on me
The darkness
Hit hard when it arrived
So it’s honesty hour.

I’m really unhappy.
I smile so they don’t know.
Nothing’s really wrong
But I’m haunted by unresolved pain
I just want to hurt.

But I also want to run.
I’m so **** tired of this
Of being good
Day after day
Putting in all this effort
I don’t get a break

I want a vice.
I want to pump my body with something
I really don’t care what
But I want to feel it everywhere
Light up all my senses
Or maybe something to sedate me
I don’t care.
I just can’t take this
Never had access to anything
And I’m a bit angry at that
But I’m pretty certain
I don’t want to be sober.

Maybe a pleasure would suffice
Defile myself
Remorse and bliss intertwined
Feel a rush
First dopamine
Next guilt and hatred

I would kinda like
To open my wrist up
I wish it didn’t matter
I wish no one would care
So I could just fall
Deep into darkness
Never to return
With no consequence

Let me twist myself
Into a tragedy

She clung tight to the light,
Though her limbs were aching,
For it was all she had ever known,
And as the darkness crept up behind her,
He caressed the scars along her shoulders
His touch inducing euphoria and anguish
He gently pulled her hair back
And whispered in her ear
“Don’t worry.
“I’ll be here when you fall”

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting, suicidal thoughts


I have no patience for poetry tonight
Though desperately I require its release
I can't think up metaphors
Clever phrases to express

THAT I AM NOT ALWAYS OKAY
THAT SOMETIMES I WANT TO FEEL PAIN
bring me to reality                  punish me                   i want to bleed...
THAT SOMETIMES I WANT TO DIE
i can't take this....            i can't live like this          i'm so desperate
THAT SOMETIMES I WANT TO DEFILE MYSELF
why the hell not              i'm worthless anyway        ******* hideous
THAT SOMETIMES I WANT TO ABUSE MEDICATION
what'll it do?                  you could get away....              induce a smile

I DON'T EVEN ******* GET IT
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
what is wrong with ME??

I JUST WANT SO DESPERATELY TO ACT OUT
I'M CRAVING A SWEET ESCAPE!
W H E R E   I S    M Y    E S C A P E????????????????????????????

T  E  L  L     M  E  !  !  !  !  !

I’ve been happy today
It’s... it’s been so long...
I... I feel okay
I feel... human...
I feel... I feel like living

tw: self harm


My mind isn’t right
I can’t think
What... what did I do...
There’s blood on my wrist
From slice after slice

I was getting too used to it...
Had to change direction
Change location
Bleed somewhere else
To ensure it would hurt
Because it’s something.
I needed to feel something.

Now I’m drowsy
My gauze-wrapped wrist stings
And I finally feel
I’ve got what I deserved

I’d love to feel something

Anything

It's so much easier
To make myself feel
Pain
Than it is
To induce the same
Magnitude of
Happiness
So, when I would like
To remember
I'm alive,
Guess which one
I choose.

I don’t like it
The taste of split pills
Bitter and sickening
I don’t like it
The feeling in my stomach
When doses change
I don’t like it
Knowing I’ll feel better
Once I swallow
Like I’m invalidating myself
I don’t like all these pills
But I can’t part with them
And honestly
I’m just so ******* fed up
With dealing with myself

You always hear about the highs
The addicts, the junkies
Begging for a fix
Their next high on their mind

But I... I seem to have another problem
Though, don’t get me wrong
I know I’d easily find myself
Enslaved to chemicals
If ever anyone offered them to me

I am one addicted to the lows
Begging to hurt again
A *******
Finding solace and comfort in pain
Deeply needing to suffer

I search for it
I long for it
I allow my mind to dwell upon it
Because I like it
I like it when I’m suffering
I like it when I’m in pain
It’s familiar, I know it
This is home.

So it would seem
I am an addict in my own respect
Craving the intimacy of my lover
My intoxicating pain

Cold apathy
Deadened
Numb
Trying to agitate the senses
Rekindle the flame
But by poor choice
I’m worse feeling...
I don’t want to come back
I shut down for a reason
And I’m finding
More and more reasons
Piling up
Encouraging the apathy
It would seem
I must feel far too much
Or nothing at all

I can always tell when my mind is sick
Because it’s in these times
That I cease to desire
To ever get better

I can breathe again
My mind is calm
My thoughts collected
Maybe I’ve finally
Bled out enough darkness
In these words
That I can be free
For a while

Hey what’s that?
Anticipation?
Are you excited?
How unexpected!
How lovely!

Hahahaha
I’m being torn into pieces
Everything within is in agony
Does it even matter
Why would I want
To go on
lol.

I’m not going to survive alone
I can go through the motions
I can push through the days
But in the quiet privacy of solitude
I’m faced with everything I hate
Staring back through the mirror
Looking into my cold, steel eyes
Everything I hate
Everything that makes me want to implode
I want to disappear

Her cold hands reach towards the darkness
Longing for the relief that it offers
Fully aware it holds another kind of suffering
But anything would be better than the hell in her head

Tired
I like fighting it
Forcing my eyes open
When they threaten to close
The calm in my body
Ready to rest
But I’m not
I’m bored
Stretch for a while
Especially the sore muscles
What’s wrong with your back?
I don’t know
Just like this feeling
Don’t want to surrender to the night
But I must