An image
A sound
A motion
It stops.
Mind reeling
What happened?
Can’t think
No, can’t be
Not to me
Call who?
Police? Why?
Oh... I see...
Wait, I’m alive
But what if...
I could’ve died.
Now what?
Why am I crying?
I can’t look
The damage is bad
Am I breathing?
My fingers won’t still
Typing, calling, yelling
What happened?
The image
The sound
The motion
Again, again, again

when one survives long enough without receiving affection,
one ceases to believe they are worthy of it.

I need someone
Someone who can just sit and hold me
When the panic strikes
Someone who can lay by my side
When everything in me is in agony
Someone who can kiss me
When I feel worthless and hopeless
Someone who cares enough
To love me in my flaws

It occurs to me sometimes
That if I so desired
I could pack up and leave
Travel, wander, explore
And just start a new life
Leaving everything behind
And never look back
And maybe I'd miss it
Maybe I'd want to go back
But I could
And that's what is so
Fascinating

My heart feels heavy
My pulse burns
My head aches

I want freedom
I want peace
I want love
I feel these so deeply in my being
But I’m so confused
I’m so conflicted
And all those who would’ve helped me have gone
I’ve grown distant from once-trusted mentors
I don’t know where to find answers
Where to find help
Something inside me screams an answer
That I don’t want to hear

Or perhaps rather...
It is a still, small voice

You say I’m sinful
But you love me
Even like this
So much you went through
The pain of humanity
Our wrath and evil
To save us monsters
But I can’t shake the thought
That I’m so horribly unworthy
I can’t even accept human love
How can I possibly consider
That you could care about me?
Show me what you see in me
For what reason could you possibly care?
Even while I sit here
Craving darkness
I know salvation comes through faith
Not by what I’ve done
But my faith is weaker than ever
So won’t you let me
Fall from grace?

Time to ******* act out because if you don’t no one will remember you exist or care that you’re still breathing soooo I guess let’s ******* test it and see how much they care **

I remember praying
When I was a child
That God could take anything
Anything at all of mine from me
And my faith could get me through
But not my mind...
No, my mind defined me
I was nothing if I wasn’t smart
And in that moment
I knew exactly what
I needed taken away...

I didn't mean to lie
When I said I felt good
That the anxiety was gone
That I wasn't depressed
I knew I had a few bad days
But I was having a good streak
So I told you I felt fine
And now I'm not sure I meant it
But I'm so afraid of going back
To the place I was in
That I don't really want to tell you anyway
Because I'm better than that
That mess I was
And I don't want to let go
Of the okay I'm feeling

I stretch myself out
Over the face of the cliff
And I laugh
I let you think it’s the adrenaline
But the rocks and I know
We’re old friends

The evening wears on
And it starts to wear off
Fog lifting lightly
My thoughts wandering
Into somewhere darker
Something deeper
But soon I’ll be in bed
And I’ll take it again
So when I wake
I don’t go mad

God, I can see the pieces
They're falling apart
I bend to pick one up
Three more break off
I hide the cracks
From everyone else
But we both know
I can't hide from you
Save me from myself
Be my adhesive
To hold all the pieces
Of me together
Because my strength is failing
And I don't think
I can hold all these pieces
Together any longer

I don’t want this
I don’t want to live
I don’t want to be sober
I don’t want to be clean
I don’t want to be responsible
I don’t want to take care of myself

I want to destroy myself
I want to get out of my head
I want to make the room spin
I want to starve
I want to drown
I want to bleed

I can’t enjoy my life
I can’t live
I can’t even suffer right

I could do it.

I have no concern for myself anymore
The only thing that keeps my heart beating
Is knowing that if it stopped
It would break yours

tw self harm





I want a bottle on my lips
And a knife to my wrist
Numb the pain
Feel something
Intoxicated
Bleeding
Broken
Crying
Dying
...
..
.

Frankly,

All I really want is to drink myself to death.

Intoxicate me
No, not with kind words and affections
I know I’m not allowed such comforts

Just fill me with poisons
Drink until I can’t feel anymore
Until all that’s left
Are giggles and a few slow words
Until my body is so thoroughly flushed with it
Vision, arms, legs, lips
They all begin to fail
Full of a dimmed sensation of bliss
A warm, peaceful fog
Happy and a bit mad
Dazed and compromised
But no concerns to speak of

Child,
You needed to learn
Your actions have consequences
But you should never
Ever
Have had to learn
That losing the love
Losing the acceptance
Of the people you admire and respect
Would be one of them

tw self harm suicide


Ready to watch my liver fail by 22
lol I know what I’d do
Once it’s unlocked
Freed
Once I can have as much to drink as I want
Honestly I’ll hurt myself

tw: idek this is probably sensitive


CANT I JUST SELF DESTRUCT
JUST FOR ONE ******* NIGHT
JUST.... just one night....

Round up the bottles
Everything I can get
Close the door
Lock the **** thing!

Sit criss-cross on the floor
And just.... just cry and drink...
And drink.... and drink...
And drink.... and cry...
Then cut... and cry... and drink...
Watch the blood... take a sip....
Stand, and the dark room will spin
I’ll ******* laugh
This is where I am
This... this is my desperation
I’ll smile wickedly
As I place all the pills on my tongue
And swallow them with wine
Then eventually
Sleep will come for me
Darkness will surround me
I’ll be safe for a few hours

Then in the morning I’ll wake
Pretend it didn’t happen
Go about my business
Wish I were ******* dead.

can't sleep because my thoughts won't cease
can't relax because i feel lazy
can't act because i can’t decide
can't eat because i'm already fat
can't starve because i'm addicted
can't escape because i have no means
can't move because my mind is so loud
can't bleed because they might notice
can't breathe because i don't want to go on
can't die because of what i'd leave behind
can't be content because i'm unhealthy in every sense
can't improve myself because i'm really not worth it

It’s returned
I’m getting obsessive
I can hear the voices...
They’re afraid
Urging caution where none is needed
Seeing death in every little thing
They can’t hear reason
The anxiety has been triggered
I could panic
I won’t... but I could

This is so familiar....
I know this delusion...
It was my companion for so long...
Until the pills broke our bond
But now....
It wasn’t supposed to come back
I thought I was free
I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE RID OF YOU!!!


But here I am
Bending to your will again
A slave to the compulsions
To the irrationality of my mind
I was afraid of this...
I am so **** afraid of this
Because I really don’t know
If I can fight this again

I want to tell you
What’s in my head
This entire other world
The constant droning of voices
The screaming and thrashing within

But if I did
If I did...

You’d never look at me the same
I’d be broken to you
Damaged

I know that I am...
But I just...
I can’t let you see me like that

My hands are shaking
My heart is picking up speed
It could be situational
It could be anxiety
It could be side effects
It could be withdrawal
It could be anything tbh
But I’m really messed up
So I suppose
I’ll pop a few more pills
I can still take three more today...

Can’t feel much at all can I?
My body knows how to function
It can be polite, pleasant
Say all the right things
It’ll even smile and laugh
And then instantly
The numbness spreads again
Filling my chest, my head
Everything goes cold
A sort of... annoying sadness
A persistent dull ache
Everything good is forgotten
Smiles erased
Like nothing will ever
Be okay again
Or... was it ever?

I want to feel alive
So alive
And I know how
But I’m too
****
Self-destructive
To have the will
To do it

tw: self harm


Something’s wrong with me
I need... I need something
I want to draw lines
Quick strokes
Then pause to watch
Then pause to feel
It fill in red
It’ll stiiiiiinnngggg....
I’ll see the garnet drops grow
Until they trickle down my arm
Leaving a carmine trail behind

And through it all
Relief will flood my body
I’ll forget about everything around me
In that moment
The pressure is released
And I feel okay again
At least for a bit

Muscles tense
Hands shaking
I can hardly move
My thoughts so fast
I can’t make sense of them
I just know they hurt
But some feel so good
I’m not thinking properly
Ideas pass in emotions
The richness of pleasure with pain
Don’t pity me
Even when it hurts
For this time,
I remember
I am alive

I know
It ends when I close my eyes
Once I sleep
I won’t get this back
Not for a long time
So I don’t want to ******* sleep!
I wanna dance :D
But I have responsibilities
Well **** them!
Lemme enjoy my ******* life
I don’t get to
EVER
So let me just like
Have this ONE
Just the one
Mmkay?
Alright

I keep cycling
Not knowing what's true
Am I really feeling numb?
Am I so cold and distant?
Or perhaps, instead
I'm just bored
And finally in my right mind
To realize how dull my life is
How futile these squabbles are
But maybe I chose this
Because I feel so much
That I realized
If I let myself feel it all
My heart would break

I want to bleed black
To be coated in ink
I want the darkness to show through
To pour out from my veins
For everyone to see

You’ll all know what’s really in me
You’ll see what it is I’m made of
What it is I’ve become
A creature of shadow
And I can’t even remember
When last I knew the light

cold heart
cold veins
cold limbs
you can’t rouse me
when i’ve flatlined.
simply don’t care
your pain doesn’t bother me
though i’m the cause.
scream all you want
cry for my soul
it doesn’t matter
i’m quite content
to remain cold
this all-encompassing numb
is far preferable to feeling, caring

except...

There’s this bit of me
Desperate to feel
Aching to be aLiVE

What a dangerous combination
Apathy and desperation
I could do ANYTHING
I’ll take risks
Because why not??
Push myself as far as I’ll go
Out of sheer curiosity
Take that curve a bit too fast
Say what you know they’ll hate
Provoke them all
Like toys for a game
And of course,
Medicate to enjoy the day
Convince them you’re well
Let them believe you’re happy
Maybe even trick yourself...

but soon the day nears its end
lights dim and isolation grows loud
the highs wear off
each night lower than the last
i can’t wait to go numb....
TAKE IT AWAY

I’m unstable now.

Anything could happen.

My heart is longing
Deeply aching for something
Something beautiful

You calmed my storm
Then I washed ashore
Puking and frozen
Half-dead
Suffocating
But alive, I suppose

The storm left me with
So many scars
That I don't know
If I will ever heal
So, why did You let me
Break like that

I'm sure I'll grow
From what I've learned
I know You have a plan
But right now
I feel like I've been damaged
I feel betrayed

I know it's not true
But that's how I feel
And maybe if I can own it
I can start to see
Why You let it happen
Because I just don't get it

Was that it?
The moment we’ll remember
The rest of our lives?
That long, first real talk?
When we really met each other?
Was that it?
The moment we’ll tell our children
About when they ask how we met?
Will I see you again?
Could both of our lives be changing
From that one conversation?
I don’t know.
But just the possibility
Is so beautiful.

Anxiety ........................ High
Anti-Anxiety Meds .... Taken
Antidepressants ......... Taken
Antihistamines ........... Taken
Lights ........................... Dim
Noise Cancellation ..... On
Music ............................ Loud
Mind ............................. Anywhere else

How much longing must be in my heart
To sleep with a blanket in my arms
To cheaply mimic
The warmth I don’t feel

My mind is ill
But my heart is good
Problem is
I never know which
Is in control

When you learn
To scream
At the pain
At the anxiety
At the depression
At everything that broke you
When you can be angry at it all
It turns into passion
And it feels exquisite
Because finally
When all you’ve felt
Is sadness
Is stress
Is numbness
You start feeling
Strong
Courageous
Powerful
Because you can focus
Everything in you
Into a passionate fury
Directed at the darkness

I’m so terribly deceptive
I look sweet, don’t I?
I act kind, don’t I?
I speak wisely, don’t I?
Ahh, but you don’t see my heart
Within me lies corruption
I am fallen
I am broken
And truly, I love it
Which frightens me, sickens me
Yet I do not mean it any less...
There’s this potential within me
I could be so destructive
But I don’t want to hurt you, really...
So I guess I will have to do...

I don’t want to live
I don’t want to be alive
I don’t want to suffer this existence
I don’t want to watch everyone else turn out fine
I don’t want them to watch me wither and fall...

But here I am
Falling, fading, failing
Dying slowly
Day after day
As the hope I once had fails me
And all I see is darkness
Death is inviting
Oh, Merciful God, won’t you let me die?
This is cruel
To leave me like this
Damaged, wounded, suffering
AND YOU WONT EVEN ******* SAY WHY

God, you don’t hear me

Ugh, what raw pleasure I feel
To contradict my upbringing
To scream at what I’ve always believed in
No... I don’t quite mean it...
But I feel it
And I will say absolutely anything
If it gets me to feel


Mm... how exquisite...

You *****.
I’m stressed
Uncomfortable
Aching
For no reason
Which makes me feel guilty
I ******* hate you
Except when you’re gone
And I go back to numb
Cold and dull
So I stare into an empty cup
That still smells faintly of a dark roast
And beg you to come back to me
Please, babe
I didn’t mean it...

I tried to run
I wanted to escape
From the chains I've locked
Around my wrists
And the shackles
Weighing down my feet
But I can't try what you all do
So I make up my own
My routines to flee
From this crippling sense
Of reality
And you tell me it's dangerous
But I honestly don't care
I almost hope it is
And you wouldn't let me
Try anything else
So I guess I'm just
Desperate