I tried to run
I wanted to escape
From the chains I've locked
Around my wrists
And the shackles
Weighing down my feet
But I can't try what you all do
So I make up my own
My routines to flee
From this crippling sense
Of reality
And you tell me it's dangerous
But I honestly don't care
I almost hope it is
And you wouldn't let me
Try anything else
So I guess I'm just
Desperate

I don’t want to live
I don’t want to be alive
I don’t want to suffer this existence
I don’t want to watch everyone else turn out fine
I don’t want them to watch me wither and fall...

But here I am
Falling, fading, failing
Dying slowly
Day after day
As the hope I once had fails me
And all I see is darkness
Death is inviting
Oh, Merciful God, won’t you let me die?
This is cruel
To leave me like this
Damaged, wounded, suffering
AND YOU WONT EVEN ******* SAY WHY

God, you don’t hear me

Ugh, what raw pleasure I feel
To contradict my upbringing
To scream at what I’ve always believed in
No... I don’t quite mean it...
But I feel it
And I will say absolutely anything
If it gets me to feel


Mm... how exquisite...

That’s it...
Isn’t it?

That’s why you want
To feel the weakness in your limbs
For your body to fail
To tremble
To stagger and fall
Scarred and broken

That’s why you lust
After anything that offers
Alteration...
Caffeine for shakes and heartbeats
To impede focus
Work your body until it fails
Feel it giving out
Don’t eat... count the hours...
How long can you wait...?
Let blood sugar drop and spike
Take your meds, don’t fall asleep
Feel the heaviness of your eyelids
The fogginess of your mind
As you fight the encompassing night

Doesn’t really matter
Anything will do
As long as it’s clear
You’re struggling.
You’re in pain.
You’re done being strong.
Show them
Maybe someone will notice
Maybe someone will care

And if not...
You’ve had some fun...
Gotten a bit giddy...
Abused yourself a little...

Just **** me.
Your medicating doesn’t help
You won’t let me do it myself
I can’t enjoy anything
I don’t know why I’m living

I really don't write poetry
I just let my messy ******* head bleed out
And I guess it produces words

This isn’t what I wanted...
How did I get here???
I used to be vibrant...
I have faded

I think my life is slipping through my fingers
and i just dont care

Genuinely unsure if it matters to anyone that I’m breathing but wotever

tw self harm


Do you care about me?
What if I hold the blade to my wrist?
What if I tug it across?
What if I bleed out?
What if I’m dying?
Do you even care??

No. Well, maybe you would
But you’re so caught up in yourself
Keeping busy so you can ignore me
Pretend I’m not a problem
Pretend you shouldn’t worry about me
Ignore all the signs
Because you don’t really care
None of you do
And I keep making new scars
Because as long as you all continue
Hating and ignoring me
I’ll never have to show anyone
The lines I’ve drawn in blood

I still love you
I hate myself for what I’ve done
I can’t stand missing you
Your absence weighs on my heart
I weep when you come to my mind
I hope you’re well
I hope things are better
I... I miss you...
And I... I still love you

Stay alive
Another day
To drink away
Another night

I know.
I know that it won’t matter.
That no matter how much
Of my blood spills
How much of it I wipe away
No matter how much it hurts
Or how many scars I create
It won’t make me want to be alive.

I won’t say it again.
I do not belong to you.
I am not your plaything.
You do not get to play games with me.
I am finished with you.
Your lies.
Your deceit.
Your abuse.
I will not answer when you call for me.
You made me feel like nothing.
But that is so far from true.
I have been given a value greater
Than you could ever dream.
I am done
With you.

I just want to be happy
Somehow I know it’s a futile pursuit
So maybe I should just stop trying
But I have this image in my head
A version of myself I want to become
I’m not sure I’ll find her
But I believe she is my identity
She knows the peace of oneness
Wholeness of mind, body, and soul

She’s comfortable in her body
She doesn’t try to hide
Her outfits make her smile
And when she looks in the mirror
She knows precisely who she sees

She has people around her
People who love her
She trusts each one of them
They’re a part of her
And she’s a part of them

She’s restored her relationship with the Almighty
She has confidence in her faith
And knows what she believes
Worship is natural and easy
Her spirit feels at rest

She’s lost her craving for acknowledgment
She knows what she’s worth
Her identity lives within her
Rather than in her praise
She’s no longer tormented by insecurity

She is capable.
She is powerful.
She is beautiful.

And maybe someday

She will be me.

tw: self harm


Instant
Powerful
Relief
To just
Stop
Fighting
And drag
The blade
Across
The
Wrist

I desperately wanted to understand
What makes the world like this
I wanted to have depth
To hold wisdom in my young head
Because I felt so shallow
Living in smiles
Never knowing pain
And I thought that was a problem
So, I found myself some turmoil
A little sadness here and there
Sat in pity waiting to be rescued
Hiding carefully for a thrilling chase
I played with my mind like a toy
But I wasn’t gentle, I wasn’t kind
I broke off bits I didn’t like
Now I’m not so shallow
I’m introspective and bright
But I lost so much more
From everything I cut out
I have turned hollow inside

I fall into this place in my head
Eyes closed softly
Letting the world go black
There’s a tightness in my chest
Wrapped around a throbbing pain
My head starts to ache
My entire body crying out for touch
To just be held for a while
I’ll pretend I’m not alone
Just to cope
But I know I lie in solitude
I know there is no one to embrace me
There’s no comfort to come to me
I’m just not enough
I know that...
I really do know...
But it doesn’t mean I can survive alone
It doesn’t mean the darkness will not take me

And there I was
Feeling the sweet flames
On my tongue
Down my throat
In my gut
For the first time
And all I wanted
Was more

Laying down with a clear head
No drinks, no extra pills
Just eyes full of tears
Heart painfully yearning
And my stomach empty... again

tw suicidal thoughts



There’s no purpose in this life
No joy to be found
Every bit of pleasure is just a reminder
Of how empty this existence is
I’d like to say I still believe
But my faith is failing
My purpose is disappearing
And it would now seem
That the only reason I continue to live
Is because of the hassle it would take to die

There's a problem here
Something's wrong
My mind... it's so... broken
My heart needing... longing
Yet this body... this flesh screams of excess
Healthy and full, it would seem
How incongruent
I think... I think I'd like to fix it.
I'd like to see the marks on my limbs
Where you've lacerated my heart
Over and over again
And I have to return for more
I want my body to fail
Like my mind did
Like I want to
I want to go weak
I don't want any strength to be left
I want it to be clear
I require aide!
As long as I'm standing
Strong and smiling
I will never get what I need
I will never be noticed
You'll never notice!

However...
If I weakened myself
Starved... overworked...
Maybe even drugged
My mind and body
Faltering together
As one...
I'd take a step
And I'd stagger
Weak, frail
Body failing
Stumbling forward
Giving out
Breaking down

You'd notice
You'd see

I think my mind is in pain
But it can’t quite tell my body
My thoughts hurt
They twist and writhe
And only through the seductive darkness
Of my tormented mind
I am made aware
That I’m not quite alright

Emptiness is encapsulating
I don’t want your drugs
I don’t want your help
I want to get worse and worse and worse...
Just a bit lower now
You can do it
A little longer and you’ll do something
You’ll become dangerous
Bleeding for fun
Just to feel something
To wake me from this hellscape

There’s nothing in life
A career is futile
Money is fictitious
My family wants to use me
My friends aren’t there for me
Dogs will age and fade too fast
I’ll always have to be sober again
My faith is nearly lost
(you can’t hear God’s voice when you want to die and your entire being is numb and cold)
There’s nothing to save me now
But the hope that a little more drugs
Will offer enough serotonin
To get through another ******* day

Yeah no joke...
I can feel it creeping in
Slowly, gradually
Like natural fatigue
Ah, but I know better
This is far too intense
Far too pleasant...

It’s bizarre
I knew these songs would remind me
Of everything I went through then...
When I couldn’t eat
When I thought I was going to die
But for some reason...
I hit shuffle
And despite the painful memories
The flashbacks
Disorientation
Forgetting I’m not still there
Despite all that
I’m too intrigued to change songs

I just want to turn into the person you never dreamed I would be... not even in your wildest nightmares

I don’t want to believe in hope
Because if there’s hope,
I have to change
I have to be better
I can’t stay where I am
Wallowing in my misery
Looking for reasons for rage
Desperately searching to ease
The pain from my faceless abusers
But I don’t want to be better
I like this hole I’ve dug
To lie down in and die
I’m not crying for help
I’m just crying
But for nothing more
Than the fact that I know
That I cannot stay here
Because I know
That there is hope

I’ve danced around it my whole life
Ignoring it
(Trying to anyways...)
Living my life to please it
Coated in a guilt like tar
Whether I do it wrong or right
It won’t leave me
Wounds built into me
Repeatedly burned into my being
And it’s so shallow
It makes no sense
But it was passed to me
It resides within me
A restlessness I’ll never escape
A mantra endlessly repeating

“Your body will never be acceptable”

I just want to feel loved
I just want to feel loved
I just want to feel loved
I just want to feel loved
I just want to feel loved
Please just let me feel loved

Hmm... these words bring tears to me
What pitiful thoughts to come from the depths of my heart

Worthless
         useless, fat idiot
ha... isn’t that cute how you mean nothing to anyone?
           you’re just so **** stupid
                             please just ******* die already
     90 days? You really haven’t deserved to bleed in 90 days??
                don’t fool yourself, no one will ever love you

All this ****
It’s all inside me
It hasn’t gone anywhere
Maybe the medication hides it
But only for a week or so
It will always return
It’s the only version of me I know

I want to feel something
Or nothing at all
But emptiness wrapped
In everything at once
Is utterly unbearable

I’m afraid of myself tonight
Of the thoughts within my skull
I’m afraid to be left alone with myself
With nothing to drown it out

I don’t know which I hate more
Myself
Or the world at large
But I feel the rage
Swirling, boiling
In my chest
In my veins
And when I’ve directed at myself
All I can take
It bleeds out to the world
My disease
Spreading

I can’t breathe
My body is tense and trembling
Tears rolling down my face
Which I cover with my hands
I can’t open my eyes
My head is racing
I can’t think
Just hold me
Wrap your arms around me
Pull me in close
You know you don’t need to say anything
I just need you
Make me feel safe again
Just let me be in your embrace
Until my heartbeat slows
The tears cease
And once again
I can breathe

The most frightening words
That make me writhe in agony
Sick to my innermost core
Scared for my life
Terrified for my sanity
Distrusting my own mind
Hopelessly paralyzed
Wanting to *****
Craving pain as punishment
Desperately confused
Distrusting of my own thoughts
Hating my very existence

I feel slow
My head is spinning
Faster...
Limbs heavy and awkward
I feel good
Finally

I forget, I suppose
That depression is triggered too
And in myself
Nothing does it as well
As being alone

I don’t want to be sober
I’d give anything to get out of my head

How is it
That just about anyone
Can get just about anything
Except me
I’d take anything
And I have nothing

I need a release
To feel something sharp
But if in my hand
I clutch the cup with ice
It burns cold
Through my palm
I feel it spreading
It aches and it hurts
My hand going red,
But there’s no blood