Make my heart bleed
Please.
I can’t remember
What it felt like
To be alive

I don’t want to stick around
To see how my life turns out
And I don’t know
What to do
With that realization

I want to cut
I want to cry
I want to break down
But it would seem
The alcohol would like instead
To lull me to sleep
And I want to let it
But I don’t want to sleep away this opportunity

I can’t tell
If I’m just depressed
For not having eaten
In twenty-two hours
Or if because I’m depressed
I don’t care to eat...

What did you do?
The monster is awake
She’s furious
Now I have to hold her back

I just want to sleep

25 days to 21
Then maybe I’ll get a bit of peace

My head’s so **** fuzzy
My skin is hot
Room spinning just enough
I’d take three more shots if I could
If you offer it, I’ll drink it
I’ve the makings of an addict
I know
But I’ll be fine
I’ll just keep drinking
You keep pretending it’s fine
It’ll be great
I’ll feel like living
You’ll think I’m fine
We’re good

A suicidal mind
Can only see death
Can only feel pain
It’s blind to hope
Numb to happiness
Like the good has turned grey
And soon it’s lost in the dark

Pain can bring comfort
Distraction
Relief
So sometimes they bleed
Or otherwise destroy themselves

Health seems futile
Why would one want to prolong this?
Why would you want to stay longer?
Why eat? Why drink? Why bathe?
Breathing is annoying
Heartbeats are infuriating

I think... I think at some point
I had wanted a future
But now... now I just want out
I just have to get out

I’m in desperate need
Of someone who
Can see the scars on my wrist
And still want to hold my hand

This space in between
Severely ill
And
Finally well
Is so full of confusion
This mixed bag of
Pain
Happiness
Heartbreak
Memories
Old habits tempting
Creeping up to pull you down
While you can see light ahead
Begging you to get better
These are the growing pains
Of recovery

You got me high
Then let me fall
I hit the ground
And now
I don't know
If I want
To get back up
Out of my hell

Emotions....
Such strange things
Why do they all feel so new...
All so exciting
Dark ones
Beautiful ones
Painful ones
Exhilarating ones
Peaceful ones
All of it
Terribly confusing
Terribly interesting
Terribly inviting

Fine
Is
Alive
Breathing
Surviving
But it is
Not
Living
Feeling
Thriving

I want to
Rip, tear, throw
Off my responsibilities
Like bonds off
An escaped
Prisoner

Sorrow floods my eyes tonight
Streams into every pore
It cannot be contained
For the depths of compassion
The depths of love
Propel forth the immense wave

My body shakes with anxiety
My breaths come quick and shallow
Because I believe you
When you say you’d do it
You’d end your life
You’re not well, my dear friend
And I know I can’t help you

You’re breaking my heart...
I know you don’t mean to
It’s simply a side effect
Of allowing myself to care
So wholeheartedly
So completely

And now

The sorrow
The dread
The pain
The concern
The tears
The tragedy
The calamity
The grief
The new marks
The old marks...


Have left me

Overwhelmed

You talk about me without me
With the only person I trusted
Pretend you know what's going on
Trying to take control of me
But you have no idea
What happens in my head
You don't know
What's going on with me
How dare you
HOW DARE YOU

I believe in God
But that doesn’t stop me
From sinking into dark depressions
Sometimes I go utterly numb
And tear at my skin
So I feel something
Sometimes I crave destruction
Sometimes I worship my own insanity
But I know He’s there
Waiting patiently
Being ever so gentle with my broken heart
Ready to pull me in tight
When I call for Him
And beg for the forgiveness
I’ll never be worth

No one tells you
That loneliness hurts
That you can feel emptiness
That your heart can physically ache
They don’t explain to you
That your body knows you’re alone
It hurts more than you can describe
It burns until you can’t take it
But by that point
You’re a freak
You’re so far gone
No one will want you
You’re broken now
You’re damaged goods
So the only antidote to the poison
Of being all alone
Is pushed further and further out of reach
The longer you suffer

Do you ever just hate yourself and your body and your whole being that you just want to crawl out of your skin but you can’t so you desperately want to self medicate and can’t do that either and the only relief you can find is by punishing yourself by cutting your own skin and you get this sense of well being from nursing your wounds like maybe you actually can be put back together?

I think... I think I prefer it
Just... saying I’m alone
Because the truth...
It’s far more painful...
I’m surrounded by people
They see me
They speak with me
And they just don’t care
They treat me poorly

So... I guess... it’s just...
Easier
To forget they exist
And pretend
I’m alone

I'm happy for you
Really, I mean it
There's nothing that I need more
Than to know you're doing alright

But I just... I can't help it...

Within the privacy of my own mind
I remind myself
That I will never have that kind of happiness
I will never get to live like that
And I want it so badly
I can't take it away from you
By letting you in on what I'm feeling

Trigger warning: Self harm


I’m fine
It’s fine
The episode ended
Just a few red marks left
No blood
I’m fine
Just a bit of skin under my nails
No blood
I’m fine
Ugh why so dizzzzyyy???
What’s that?
That line....
It’s too dark....
I’m fine
Just a little blood
It served its purpose
I don’t cut.
So it’s fine.

Come to me,
My long-awaited romance
Pull me in close
So I can feel your heart
Your breath, your flesh
Tell me I’m lovely
I won’t believe you at first
So you kiss me gently
And hold me near your body
Until I start to wonder
If perhaps
You actually weren’t lying
I’ve waited so long
Haven’t I been patient?
Haven’t I suffered enough?
Where are you, my love?
Will I ever find you?
I’m not even so sure
I believe you exist....

Oh, how I’d love to just surrender
Give up the fight for my life
Stop taking the meds
Put up with the withdrawal
Let it push me over the edge
Drink myself into a stupor
**** someone pretty
Slice my limbs and bleed...
Stop going to therapy
Stop trying to explain
Stop trying to hide
Just surrender
Give up
Give in
Let
Me
F
A
L
L
.
.


.



.





.

When they look in my direction
They see something
A kind of human shadow
Shape without depth
A hollow understanding
If any at all
Those who do see me
Only do when I smother myself
In things that benefit them
Good grades for my parents
A loan for my sister
But as soon as I stop
They cease to see me
I am translucent
Never opaque
Never quite there
Even in my own mind
I’m not always there...
A ghost
I am translucent
But I deserve opacity

**** this
Alone
Again.
Not drunk enough
Til the room spins.
I’m tired
I’m lonely
If you’re nice maybe I’ll just kiss you again...
****

I just want to forget it
All of it
Please
Take it
Away

The night is coming for me
Her dark delirium
Take me from this
I don’t want it
It’ll be easier in the morning
It will
It will
It has to be...
It’s surrounding me now
Engulfing me
Drawing thick fog through my mind
Losing control
Letting go...
Please take me.
You don’t even have to bring me back.

She keeps telling me
As I sit across from her
To close my eyes
And imagine my young self
A scared and confused child
What would I say to her
As the panic sets in
As she’s ashamed of herself
As she loses control
And I know how to speak
To frightened children
But when I try to do so
To myself
To the little girl in my head
I break
Every time

Could you...
Perhaps
Give me something?
You know...
For the pain?
I think...
I just
I wanna sleep
For a very long time...

There’s a little bliss in this bottle
It’s hiding near the bottom
If I just... if I just keep drinking
Maybe I can find it...

It’s amazing how
We break apart
We shatter into
A million bits
We hurt so much
But there’s something
So beautiful about it
A life full of smiles
Is not nearly as
Powerful as a
Life of smiling
Through pain
Heartbreak
Because that’s how
We grow and learn
To be stronger
Than we are now
There’s this continuity
Of emotions
And it is
Absolutely
Beautiful

tw: ummm this is rather sensitive. Read with care


Lol I’m not good
**** mental health
I feel like **** and I love it
Getting every high I can find
Anything for a little dopamine **
I could literally take one more pill
I have them. I just have to take it.
Need permission to take it
And I’d be okay for a little while
Maybe a few weeks
It won’t last but it’s a start
Mmm I feel like self sabotage
Idk. Just for fun
Cause why the **** not??
We both know this isn’t going anywhere
You’re not going anywhere
Lol
You’re not loved
Don’t you ever ******* forget it
You’ve got the mental structure of an addict
And you don’t even care
All your skills are basically useless
You’ll just be another piece of the corporate machine
You won’t make a life for yourself
You won’t be happy eventually
You’ll take drugs until you feel okay
But it’ll never ever be enough
You’ll find someone to ****
And it will leaving you wanting
You’ll make them all turn on you
It won’t be too hard now
Your life is nothing
You are nothing
You’re not dead because you’re a ******* coward
And because you know they’ll cry
Ughhh why would they cry
There’s no loss
No change
I won’t leave much behind
Your lives will be fine
They’ll be fine
It’ll be fine
You’ll be fine
I’m fine
I’m really not okay
I know that
I hear it in the back of my mind
Over and over
The whisper behind the noise
Waiting patiently for a little quiet
And it won’t leave me the **** alone
Just leave me alone ******* it
My head needs to calm down
I’ve gotta calm down
But my body is calm.
Mind is racing but the body feels nothing
Should I be feeling something??
I must’ve made it all up
This isn’t about me
Just some story
A fantasy in my head
Some world where someone else lives
A life more interesting than mine
Even if it hurts her it’s better than nothing
Pain is so ******* easy man
Bleeding is easy
But why
This isn’t in my head
This isn’t mine
It’s not mine
It’s not mine
It’s not mine
It’s not mine
I’m fine
I’m fine
What the ****
I’m fine
Why is this in my head
It’s not right
This isn’t right
****

The chasm in my chest won’t fill
It just aches and grows
As more and more of me is lost
In the abyss

And tonight the emptiness is so deep
It’s so strong that nothing feels right
Consistently disappointed
Everything within is lacking
I need something
I can’t say precisely what
But it’s likely it got lost somewhere
Within the chasm

I might pour alcohol into it
See if I can find the bottom somewhere...
I’ll probably end up feeling like ****
But that’s a price I’m glad to pay
If I can be genuinely happy for a few hours
Where I can feel my smiles in my heart
And they aren’t just painted on my face

If I can’t fill it with alcohol
I’ll fill it with blood
Doesn’t really matter how long it’s been
I can cut again
Shock myself into reality
Drag myself out of the fog
I’m not so used to it anymore
It probably won’t take much
Just a few wild slices
A few drops of blood
And a sharp wince
As I realize what I’ve done

I... I don’t think I have it in me
To care for myself tonight.....

People don’t choose to love me
Love for me is conditional
On smiles and pleasantries
On good behavior
On success and pride
So, why would I want to smile?
It doesn’t bring joy
It doesn’t make me feel alive
But I know how to hurt
So I suppose that’ll have to do

I give you all

EVERYTHING

Your lips offer gratitude
But then why is it
That your actions
ALL OF THEM
Make it clear
I am not a priority
To... anyone actually
You all USE ME
And I like it
I want to be helpful
I want to be kind

SO YOU ALL

YOU USE ME

To your selfish ends
And at the end of the day
I look back
Feeling no affection
No warmth
No love
No kindness
I’ve been taken advantage of
Over and over again
So I sleep here alone
Wondering if I’ll ever be content
Because I’m SO **** NICE
So.... so you use me....
You never give back....
So I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I TRY HARDER!!!!

And you all
You know I require no payment
So I pour myself out for you
And you take it all
Leaving me alone
Weeping
Broken
Empty

I just need someone
If just one could...
Could you maybe?
Just hold me for a while
Let my tears roll into your chest
Repeat to me
Everything I’ve never heard
Could you just....
Say something
To make me feel
Even if only for a moment
That I am worth
Taking up space in this world

Do you ever
Do you ever hear a phrase
That just resonates with your soul?
Something so fitting it scares you a little?
It's funny that my words never do that to me
But others' can
Perhaps it's a sign of my amateurism
But so often I write grasping for words that
Resonate like that
Because my story has more than just
One good phrase
And I'm looking for the rest
So here I am
Writing to find it

An image
A sound
A motion
It stops.
Mind reeling
What happened?
Can’t think
No, can’t be
Not to me
Call who?
Police? Why?
Oh... I see...
Wait, I’m alive
But what if...
I could’ve died.
Now what?
Why am I crying?
I can’t look
The damage is bad
Am I breathing?
My fingers won’t still
Typing, calling, yelling
What happened?
The image
The sound
The motion
Again, again, again