We've been commanded:
Love your neighbor as yourself*

Well, loving others is easy...
But the latter is hard.

Maybe what's so hard
About mental disorders
Is that there's no
Difference
Between
Abuser & Victim

With no clear target,
All the pain
Hatred
Loathing
Swims around
Within the
Ill brain & person

There's nothing more
Terrifying
Than knowing your
Own brain
Is telling you lies

Why
the hell
do we try so hard
to maintain all these
airs?

Life could be so much
more real
more honest
less empty
if we could look at
each other
and honestly reply
to the question
"How are you today?"

But no one has the time.
And they really don't care.

I am strong
I am confident
I am capable

but it would be nice
if I didn't
Always
have to be...

i wish
sometimes
that i could just stop
everything
just
freeze
for a little while
until i
can
collect
myself

Is it-
Is it self destructive
To look for ways
To take advantage of oneself?
To seek out pleasure
But only if it means pain?
Perhaps it's a coincidence,
But I always seem to
Be looking for
New ways
To hurt
Myself
In
Secret

Have you ever
Felt so
d
     i              z
z                             z
z           z          
                        y
d             ?/.a>>>??a  ???      zz z  z z e d???
                      t   ip... p
                          Just from a glance      ss       ..  .
                               Eyes locking                            y
With someone
Wonderful?

i can't possibly be
                               the only one out there        g             h     
             chasing a       h     i
or two
or four...
and i don't often care
what it does to me
so i drink strong coffee
until my hands qquuaakkee
and twitch
tw
twitch
and that buzzzzzing starts
xo     a sweet     xo
<><><><><><><><><><buzzzzzzzzzzzzzz><><><><><><><><>
to s    p       r          e                 a                         d
from my chest
a loud
hard
THUMP THUMP
THUMP THUMP
THUMP THUMP
of my pulse
i think
thinking
wondering
dreaming
crying
screaming
while i lay in bed
>>> WIDE AWAKE <<<
i dwell in all my pain
ripping my wounds
tearing them open
until they scab over
so i can try again
again
again
AGAIN
i.                   just.             love.         things.
that make me FEEL...
anything
at all
no matter
the
c      
     o
           st

Something strange it is
To drown oneself
In darkness

From above
The waters seem
To sit in stillness
With a haunting gleam

One little dip
Is all it takes
To become infected
And raise the stakes

When you start
All you want
Is that little spark
From this, your jaunt

You take it slow
Maintaining control
You've seen what it does
To the heart and the soul

But then you grow tired
Of your little game
You start to go numb
The spark becomes plain

So, in you go
Just a bit further now
Up to your knees
You're in control, anyhow

One day you don't
You walk away
You hear its voice whisper
Calling your name

You aren't free
As you thought
To dip out as you please
It seems you've been caught

So back to the pool
Back to the rush
That now owns your soul
It will certainly crush

But now all you want
Is to sink in deeper
To let it wash over you
Let it be your keeper

So when you return
Again the next dawn,
You dive right in
And let it feed on

In response
To your cooperation
It offers release
From the desolation

Its words are all lies
You know this deep down
But it feels so good
You want to drown

So you do

I have never
Ever loved anyone
In any kind of a
Romantic way

It makes my heart ache and burn
Restless and eager
For someone to decide
That maybe I'm worth pursuit

Here I am
19 years into life
And I have never
Even come close to romance

I don't need a man
But I want to know what
Butterflies in my stomach
Feel like before a date

I am capable and bright
Strong and passionate
But I long to be known
So deeply and
To be loved

But love eludes me

I just want to get
d                     r
u                 n
k          o
n
w
o
r   d   s

What would it be like
To experience something
Truly blissful
Something that could
SHUT UP
My loud mind
And slow down my
RAGING
Pulse
Something that feels
So **** good
I can't stand up
All I can do
Is drink it in deep
And hold on
To make it last
I want my knees to
Go weak
And my head to
Spiiiiin
Like I'm dancing
In the clouds
And never
Ever
Coming
Down

It plagues our species
It ravages minds
It crushes our spirits
And conscience it blinds

A strange illness
It certainly is
For it convinces its host
It's living in bliss

All flesh is infected
Man, woman, and child
Yet from our sick bodies
It's rarely exiled

While in these bodies
We remain
Constantly fighting
To become sane

No cure can exist
Short of leaving this earth
But a treatment, perhaps
Could provide a rebirth

I know what it is
I know how to take it
But while I am sick
I want to forsake it

My illness draws
Over my eyes
A cover of wonder
A cloak of disguise

So, you see
While under its influence
Its power over me
Remains inconspicuous

The Human Disease
Is unlike any other
It will make you want more
To be sick forever

But a sickness, it is
So somehow we struggle
To distance ourselves
From all of its trouble

Never will we win
But success isn't the goal
We just want to die
Knowing we were whole

Sometimes
I want to spin
Myself into a
Hurricane
Just to
Feel
The
Calm
In
The
Eye

I want to be good
I want to be smart
I want to be kind
Clever, beautiful, healthy...

But I also want
I want to destroy
I want to be stupid
I want to be reckless
Sick, twisted, crazy...

I want to be pure
But I want to do whatever
Will clothe me in dirt
I want to be responsible
But I chase anything
That offers a sweet excuse

I want to be respectable
To be strong and stand tall
But I want to drown
In anything intoxicating
To let me stumble and stagger
In ignorance and bliss

And all of this
Makes me so crazy
I want to be angry
I want to
SCREAM

Everything in me
That is alive
Vibrant
Full of feeling
Filled with life
Is also
Infatuated
By all that is dead
And dying
What numbs
And what hurts

My greatest struggle
Is my body's natural desire
To attain control
Because my spirit
Aches
For release
With a reckless abandon

I want nothing more
Than to be freed from all
Which binds me
To forget my
Inhibitions
And to experience
Indulgence

It used to be
That every day
Every waking second
Was full of pain
I was exhausted
And anxious
Constantly

Finally
I got myself help
My brain was unbalanced
So they gave me medication
Every night before bed
I pop it into my mouth
Swallowing

Amazing
It felt to finally be free
From the anxiety that crippled me
But after a while, it became normal
Still fine, but not so fun
I found I missed it
The pain
Anxiety

So now,
I do what I can
To embrace my sadness
To stimulate what it had numbed
Because I was used to being sick
And I remembered how good
That adrenaline could feel
Toxic and exciting

I fell in love
With the feeling
Of sadness
Of pain

I knew all its words were lies
But they sounded so true
But they felt so honest
I listened

Knowing full well
That this love was poison
I drank myself drunk
Into a dumb stupor

Because what is
Intoxication
But the act of filling oneself
Full of poison?

But I liked its flavor
I liked its rush
Again I filled a cup with sadness
And I drank deep