Growing up sheltered
Is not what it seems
It is full
Of pain
Just like everyone else
We hurt, cry, and hate
Only we have to hide
Desperately hide

Crippling perfectionism
Became my sickness
I had to always be right
Or at least justify my wrong
Because I couldn't
Bear to let them down
Let everyone down
Let myself down

I spent every moment
Full of anxiety
Like everyone was watching
Judging
And to a degree,
They were

This sickness festered
Within my mind
It brought me a pain
That I could not explain
Because nothing was wrong
Except me
Something was so wrong
With me

Quietly, every minor failure
Twisted into hatred
A self-loathing
That started to **** me
And I didn't even see it
Until it was so big
It tried to swallow me

You see, my problems
Rooted so deep
I couldn't even acknowledge them
Because having problems
Meant failure

Now, I, the sheltered child
Sit alone trying to heal
With all of my baggage
That appears so light
In comparison
To that of those who
Had it much worse

So in silence,
I long to feel whole
Fulfilled
Knowing how
But my strong desire for
Rebellion
Won't allow

Meanwhile,
My need to be perfect
Won't let me rebel
Because it would mean
Blaming no one but
Myself
So I can't let it out

I find mediums
To release the angst
Nursing a caffeine habit
Instead of *******
Honestly,
The destructive forces
Within me
Wouldn't mind it
Either way

I want to feel alive
So alive
And I know how
But I’m too
****
Self-destructive
To have the will
To do it

Have you ever
Fallen so in love
With something
So evil
So full of secrets
And lies
But it was exhilarating
Intoxicating
Breathtaking
So, you ignored the signs
The warnings
Everything you knew
Because you were in love
And it just felt so good
But you knew
It would be your end?

There's something addicting
About a sharp
And beautiful mind
Full of a clean kindness
Fighting hidden demons inside

As long as I can remember
I had this friend
Only, I didn't see her
I only felt her touch

At first, no one else saw her
She blended in with me
We appeared as one
And maybe we were

Over time, she grew impatient
She got louder, stronger
She'd rage and throw fits
But they still didn't see her

She learned to scream from my lips
Shutting me down
She took control over me
And I hid beneath her

She told me she'd protect me
And I believed every word
She had always been there
So there she ought to stay

Until she grew so loud
Others began to see
She shoved me so far down inside
And told me she knew best

Every thought, feeling, action
Was under her control
She held a toy gun to my head
And convinced me it was real

When she grew too loud,
Everyone could see
I didn't know
What was wrong with me

When I finally had the power
To put her in her place
She begged, clawed, and fought
Using every bit of strength

But I won

Now she sits quietly
Able to offer advice
Only when I ask her
Does she ever take control

Slowly but surely
I've found my way out
Of the cage she created
Deep within my self

Bluetooth: Connected
Volume: LOUD
Genre: Rock
Press Play.

Passion, anger, rage, yearning
All of which I thought were wrong
Now within my mind they're swirling
The simple cause being only a song

What I hide in my depths
Somehow they share
Artists who feel my breaths
Who sing what I cannot bear

It's like they've plugged into my brain
Providing comfort, understanding
A release valve for my tank of pain
And my adrenaline commanding

Others call it stressful noise
They don't feel it like I do
All I hear is a familiar voice
Which it my soul breaks through

Why are we all so deaf?
Why don't we hear?
He SCREAMS at us
To get our attention

One drop of rain
Lands on your nose
You brush it off
And curse at it

We live
We breathe
But we are all so deaf
We ignore and hate

Something amazing
Is right in front of us
Trying so hard to get our attention
But we put in our headphones
And walk away

Darkness calls out
I know his name
I can recognize him at a glance
And yet, I am confused

But why the confusion?
You know what's wrong
You know what's right
It's just that simple

Some things, though feel
So good that
They just couldn't
Possibly be wrong

All I know
Is that when I think
I crave
Something wonderful

Intoxicating
Thrilling
Addicting
Wrong?

I don't know any more
So instead I run
Towards my buzz
And I forget

What was your name?

I gave it my all
That’s what you said to do
You said one hundred and ten percent
So I did it for you

That was fine
I was alright
Until someone else said those same words
Again, again, again

I thought I could handle it
At first
But slowly I drained myself
Like a battery

You gave me handshakes and high-fives
Awards and degrees
Certifying my excellence
Molding my existence

I pushed myself
I met my deadlines
I did what you said
I did what all of you said

After a time
All of me was poured out
Scattered
Empty

Everything I had held
Fell broken and scattered
And frantically I tried to rebuild it
From what was left

My hands shake as I try
To put the pieces back in order
A desire, a compulsion
To control my storm

Anything
Everything
Hold it together
Hold something together

I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t
Echoes in my mind
As thoughts spin and whirl
A tornado of expectations

I should…
But I can’t…
Well of course not
You’ve been drained for years

“Shoulds” and “oughts”
The poison in my thoughts
I just wanted to do what you said
To show you I had listened

I always had something to prove
I still do
But now it’s not about you
It’s about me

Now, I excel when I can
When I want to
If I don’t,
It was my choice

I don’t care what you think.
I value your opinion
But now I also value my own
I know my limits

There is so much me to explore
I can’t believe I let you drive so long
I missed out on me
And so did you

So when you say to give it my all,
I might
I might not
That’s my choice

I know how much of me I have to give
Only I can portion my time
You don’t know everything
I am strong, and I have limits

I have the power to say, “no”
When you ask to take from me
But I also can say, “yes” graciously
Knowing that I don’t need it

See, that’s what’s changed
I know what I need
I don’t rely on your knowing better
Because I can decide for myself

Rather than giving everything my all,
I give it my best
Knowing that I need to save some for myself
A bit of extra bandwidth in reserve

This way, you don’t own me
But I can offer myself to you
I can still give with grace
But I can withhold with wisdom

I give it my best