I meditate on my pain
Simmer in my failure
Drink in my sickness
Torture myself with memories
Until I smile
Because I did it
I made myself feel something
Finally

Don’t leave me
Here alone
With myself
I’m abusive
I’m dangerous
I’m ill
When I’m alone
It all rushes in
I don’t know what’s happening
It fills me with darkness
And lies
And I want to be alone
To wallow in it
Because it won’t be ignored
But I have to when you’re here
I stuff it down deep
And it begs to be released
It screams for recognition
I don’t want to let it out
But I don’t want to hide it
I don’t know what to do
It makes me so confused
I can’t think straight
I don’t know if I ever have
Or if I ever will

I don’t feel it much
But when I place my hand
On my bed
And my puppy
Sleepy, fluffy, innocent
Curls up around it
She passes on to me
A bit of her tranquility

I thought I wanted
To numb the pain
But I was wrong
I can’t feel anything
No desire to live
No desire to die
No desire at all
I can’t feel
And it’s so much worse
Than feeling pain
Every breath is forced
Every heartbeat plain
This isn’t right
Something’s wrong
With me
And that fear
Is the only thing
That I can feel
So I savor it
So I stimulate it
So I simulate it
Amidst the emptiness
Of existence

Light me up inside
Flick a spark in my soul
To spread like a wildfire
I want to feel the sensation
The warm glow
As the depths of my darkness
All of my rotting flesh
Pale, torn, bruised
Is revived
The sickness cured
At least
For a little while

I can feel it
Closing its cold fingers
Tight around my throat
I want to fight for my life
But I can’t move
Its poison
Running unobstructed
Through my veins
Into my heart
Into my brain
Everything goes fuzzy
I’m so confused
My head is swimming
Reeling
It’s taking over me
I’m losing control
I want to let go
What if I give in?
Would it be so bad?
I’m forgetting to fight
My body is weak
Stumbling and staggering
I don’t think I can take it
I’m letting go
I’ll never have peace
If I keep fighting it
So why not
Just let it
Take over?

I need you to know
You have to let me go
I’m not helpless
I am relentless

My body cries out
It screams in frustration
And I have no doubt
That what I crave is liberation

You have no right to control
It’s taking a toll
I’m not your toy
That you can destroy

When you start to feel nothing
Just empty inside
Sadness becomes inviting
A tantalizing high
It’s dark and dangerous
But compared to feeling cold and empty
It’s the best thrill

Maybe
You’re not the one
Maybe
You’re not forever
Maybe
It was just a conversation
But I can say with certainty
You reminded me I’m alive
And that’s all I needed

My mind is ill
But my heart is good
Problem is
I never know which
Is in control

I won’t say it again.
I do not belong to you.
I am not your plaything.
You do not get to play games with me.
I am finished with you.
Your lies.
Your deceit.
Your abuse.
I will not answer when you call for me.
You made me feel like nothing.
But that is so far from true.
I have been given a value greater
Than you could ever dream.
I am done
With you.

Do you ever
Do you ever hear a phrase
That just resonates with your soul?
Something so fitting it scares you a little?
It's funny that my words never do that to me
But others' can
Perhaps it's a sign of my amateurism
But so often I write grasping for words that
Resonate like that
Because my story has more than just
One good phrase
And I'm looking for the rest
So here I am
Writing to find it

You calmed my storm
Then I washed ashore
Puking and frozen
Half-dead
Suffocating
But alive, I suppose

The storm left me with
So many scars
That I don't know
If I will ever heal
So, why did You let me
Break like that

I'm sure I'll grow
From what I've learned
I know You have a plan
But right now
I feel like I've been damaged
I feel betrayed

I know it's not true
But that's how I feel
And maybe if I can own it
I can start to see
Why You let it happen
Because I just don't get it

Every sound
Is nails on a chalkboard
The crunch of chips
The droning of the TV
Barking dogs
Everything
Makes all my muscles tense
So tight
And fills me with anger
At everything
Making me want to scream
At the top of my lungs
Just to get some
Peace and quiet

Is all I need
Just to prove to my terrified mind
That You're still there
Please, I'm begging You
I'm so lost, confused, tired
I can't go on without You
I just need to feel
Your touch
Just enough to remind me
What I'm even still doing here
Because this place,
It's so full of death,
And it's reaching out to me
I hear it's seductive voice
Calling me to join
I want to do it
I really do
I'm so scared
I can't do this alone
I NEED YOU
PLEASE
You're all I have

The most frightening words
That make me writhe in agony
Sick to my innermost core
Scared for my life
Terrified for my sanity
Distrusting my own mind
Hopelessly paralyzed
Wanting to *****
Craving pain as punishment
Desperately confused
Distrusting of my own thoughts
Hating my very existence

There is no hope here
Only pain will be found
Suffering is abundant
Every mere smile matched by
A devastating heartbreak
Sorrow surrounds us all
Taking up residence in our souls

There is no hope here
We are all dying
Screaming in agony
For all we’ve lost
For everything we’ve destroyed
Our world is irreparably broken
And it’s all our fault

There is no hope here
We court demons
Craving our own demise
All with a smile on our faces
Because life is good
Our day was fine
Everything is going well

There is no hope here
You won’t find it
Hope doesn’t come from this place
All we have to cling to
Are the promises of the One
Who does not reside here
Who reaches down to save us

There is no hope here
But, we were not left in this place
To writhe in the agony of life
We don’t have to
We choose to ignore and refuse
The only real hope we are offered
And instead return to the world.

Was that it?
The moment we’ll remember
The rest of our lives?
That long, first real talk?
When we really met each other?
Was that it?
The moment we’ll tell our children
About when they ask how we met?
Will I see you again?
Could both of our lives be changing
From that one conversation?
I don’t know.
But just the possibility
Is so beautiful.

When they look in my direction
They see something
A kind of human shadow
Shape without depth
A hollow understanding
If any at all
Those who do see me
Only do when I smother myself
In things that benefit them
Good grades for my parents
A loan for my sister
But as soon as I stop
They cease to see me
I am translucent
Never opaque
Never quite there
Even in my own mind
I’m not always there...
A ghost
I am translucent
But I deserve opacity

I go about my day
Through the motions I make my way
Until I get a familiar feeling
That always sends me reeling
I need another fix of my drug
These words that I debug
Poetry can be addicting
But never, ever feels constricting
Within these words I soar
Leaving me begging for more
Don't leave me feeling low
Give me my vertigo
That only poems can offer
From you, my gorgeous author

Why does everyone try to
"Not upset" me?
What the hell?
What's wrong with being upset?
If I don't hurt,
How do you ever expect me
To deal with it?
To learn from it?
To grow as a person?
I know you're trying to protect me,
But here's the thing:
STOP
I'm a big girl
I can deal with it
It's really okay
I know how to cry.

My demons are liars
Crafting up falsities
Whispering, screaming, shrieking
That I’m worthless without them

My demons are deceitful
Trying to tell me they speak truth
Twisting, warping, spinning
My head into a knotted mess

My demons are cruel
Making me hate myself
Crying, hurting, dying
But it’s all their fault

My demons are cowards
They remain faceless and silent
Masquerading, sneaking, pretending
To keep me distracted

Because that’s all they are
Deceptive, lying cowards
Too afraid to hurt alone
So they try to drag me down

But I know their enemy
So closely and intimately
I am protected and loved
More than they will ever be

So while I sit here in spiritual limbo,
While both voices echo in my mind
I will fight with all my strength
I will fight until my last breath.