I'm so confused
I crave my own demise
But believe I have a purpose
I know I'm loved,
But I don't want it
I chase after highs
To capture escape
Then savor the crash
The pain, my justice
And honestly,
I'll do anything
If it makes my mind
Float away
From the tempest
Within my flesh

You got me high
Then let me fall
I hit the ground
And now
I don't know
If I want
To get back up
Out of my hell

I can feel my pulse in my head
Pounding, banging, aching
I just need a little time
A little longer
Away
From this reality

I desperately wanted to understand
What makes the world like this
I wanted to have depth
To hold wisdom in my young head
Because I felt so shallow
Living in smiles
Never knowing pain
And I thought that was a problem
So, I found myself some turmoil
A little sadness here and there
Sat in pity waiting to be rescued
Hiding carefully for a thrilling chase
I played with my mind like a toy
But I wasn’t gentle, I wasn’t kind
I broke off bits I didn’t like
Now I’m not so shallow
I’m introspective and bright
But I lost so much more
From everything I cut out
I have turned hollow inside

I've made myself a mess
I pretend to be a victim
While I throw myself
Into the heart of disaster

I swallow poison
Then wonder why I stumble
I cloud my mind with noise
Then scream out in confusion

I tell myself it's their fault
They caused me all this pain
While wallowing in my pity
Opening up old wounds
So I can convince myself
I'll never heal

There's nothing good left
So twisted, plagued by myself
Except the one spot
The place I've left untouched
In all my self-destruction
Where you reside within
My solitary hope, my haven
The only reason I keep breathing

I wanted to love you
With such passion
An, “I don’t want
To live without you”
Kind of love
But I realize now
I already knew
How much I loved you
I just needed to
Remind myself
How desolate
The rest of this world is
When I am
Without you,
My love

I've been fighting so long
In this awful, ****** war
I'm deeply tired
Wounded, scarred

I want to surrender

The voices screaming
"Give up," "You can't win"
"You'll never escape this"
"You'll never escape us"

I want to surrender

But there's this force within
Keeping me breathing
Swinging my sword
When my own strength fails

I want to surrender

I am reminded by it
That I can't give up now
There are better things coming
My fight cannot end here

I want to surrender

I suppose, there must be
Courage inside of me
Because despite its allure
I have yet to give in

I want to surrender

And it is the act
Of overcoming this desire
That proves to me
I fight with valor

I was dying
Losing my mind
Killing my body
And it lasted so long
I forgot how to be alive

I spent so much time
In that awful place
I made it my home
I hated it, but it was mine
Until I escaped

From a surge of bravery
I got out
And everything got
So much better
Way too quickly

But then it started to fade
The excitement wore away
I started to remember
What dying felt like
And I needed to mourn

So here I am
In this place in between
Not dying anymore
But not euphoric either
I am just here

I don't know how to mourn
When no one else can see
That I'm hurting
Because I'm not dying
I'm fine, but not quite

Haunted by memories
Of what I was
I wander through these days
Wishing I could escape
This place in between

It’s amazing how
We break apart
We shatter into
A million bits
We hurt so much
But there’s something
So beautiful about it
A life full of smiles
Is not nearly as
Powerful as a
Life of smiling
Through pain
Heartbreak
Because that’s how
We grow and learn
To be stronger
Than we are now
There’s this continuity
Of emotions
And it is
Absolutely
Beautiful

It would seem
That I spend
Many of these days
Out of phase
With reality

It’s like I’m standing
In a room of people
I know and love
And they’re strangers
So am I

My hands don’t feel my own
I don’t feel what I expect
Sometimes I’m just dizzy
With thoughts
Like reality is moving
Swirling around me
And I’m elsewhere

Sometimes I’m just out of phase
With the world
But I keep coming back
And I’m not always sure why

Something within is festering
A mighty storm of rage
Swirling, twirling
Making me ill
It fills me with an
Unending angst
I think I know where it's from
But I have no idea
How to rid myself of it
If I am honest
It's made a home within me
I nurture it with darkness
Feeding it the parts of myself
I don't want others to see
We have a sort of agreement, now
In return for keeping it alive
It reminds me that I am too
It makes my heart race with passion
It makes me dizzy with ideas
That I couldn't possibly act out
I'm sure it's dangerous
But now we're symbiotic
And it's convincing me
I can't live without it

People don’t choose to love me
Love for me is conditional
On smiles and pleasantries
On good behavior
On success and pride
So, why would I want to smile?
It doesn’t bring joy
It doesn’t make me feel alive
But I know how to hurt
So I suppose that’ll have to do

It’s not that I’m sad
It’s not that I’m angry
It’s not that I’m upset
I don’t mean to not care
I want to, really I do
I just don’t
I can feel myself wanting to care
But falling just short
So, I feel empty
So much of the time
I feel like I’ve flatlined
But no one knows
And I’m supposed to be
The positive one
The cheerful one
So I play my part
Like an actress in a play
And feel nothing
A walking corpse
But they tell me I’m alive

The truth of this life
Is that it hurts
Is that it breaks
Is that it burns
And overall
It’s not worth living
But you can’t stop there

Because there’s more
The story goes on
There is truth
Beyond this desperate place
Truth that offers vitality
And this, this is
The only reason
I’m still alive

I don't want to cry today
I don't want to hurt myself today
I don't want to live in darkness today
I don't want to hate myself today
I don't want to hate others today

I don't know why,
But I know

I want to smile today
I want to be kind to myself today
I want to bask in the light today
I want to love being myself today
I want to love others today

I don't know why today is different
But I'm so glad it is

It would seem
That all I ever consider
Are questions
And I never quite get closure
No one offers answers
Especially when I'm too afraid to ask
I don't know what I am
Maybe I'm just making it up
Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe I'm dramatic
Maybe I'm sick
Maybe I'm in a phase
Maybe I'm just broken
But I don't want to ask
Because the answer
Can't possibly be good

It's so strange
These thoughts that plague me
They seem to be so real
For a little while
I just want to drown myself
In their darkness
I want to lose all composure
I want to dwell in thoughts of dangerous pleasures
Then I wonder
Am I in control?
Do I choose the darkness?
Or am I really a victim of it?
Am I relapsing
Or am I choosing to relive my past?
I don't know
And sometimes I hope I'm a victim
And sometimes I hope it's just me.

Do you feel it?
The rage within
Bubbling and boiling
Filling to the brink
I can't even comprehend
How broken this place is
We all are...
There is so much pain
The injustice
That surrounds existence
I can't linger on it
It hurts too much
This world
It doesn't make sense
And it leads me to nothing less
Than rage
Do you feel it too?

What do you do with yourself
When nothing is wrong,
But it feels like everything is?
The motions of daily life
Leave you numb and cold

You want to justify the feeling
Confirmation that the world is wrong
But you don't know what to believe
Your mind has lied to you before
So you sit in frantic silence
Restless and crazy

You know you should be worried
About something out there
But you don't know what it is
So you just worry about it all
Driving yourself mad

Once the panic in your flesh subsides,
Your mind continues on
Chasing highs of stimulation
Heart pounding and blood pumping
Desperately pleading its case

And all of this
The wars within
And beyond your skin
Leave you here
Restless and crazy

Psychological abuse
Passive but certainly aggressive
You smile but then you speak
And the words that you utter
Meant to control me
My thoughts
My actions
But you're so sly
I don't even notice
I'm your puppet

You are such a liar
Nothing you say is true
You’re afraid of me, aren’t you?
You know how strong I am
You know I can defeat you

So you reach inside my mind
Twist my thoughts and
Warp my emotions
Knock me down
So I think I can’t stand
Scratch me then tell me
I’m bleeding out
I smile and you whisper that
It won’t last
Cloak me in darkness and
Call it my home
Kick me and ask
Why I do this to myself
Convince me I’m
Addicted to your pain

But I’ll be rid of you yet
I will fight to my terminal breath
To take back what you stole
To regain control
You won’t come out on top
There’s a power in me
You can’t comprehend
I will break free of your grasp

They left me alone when I was young
The monsters did
But I got bored of being myself
Plain and simple
And they told me it would be fun
They made my blood pump
And the serotonin flooded my brain
But they started to take over
Their tastes grew darker
It got harder to push them aside
I started losing control
So I learned to channel them
To write their desires
To control the pleasure from the dark depths
Now these words are what remain
My only fix
The solitary outlet
For the monsters inside

What is this?
It's not Heaven
It's not Hell
Sometimes it hurts
Sometimes it heals
It's this middle place
Where we feel everything
Some days it's Heaven
Some days it's Hell
I just wish
It could make up its mind
Because on Hell days
Weeks, months, years
The hope of just one Heaven day
Is too much to bear

You don’t see it
Do you?
You don’t hear it?
My screaming, crying
I’m bleeding, dying
And you don’t even notice
You just exchange pleasantries
And complain about your day
While I lie here
Weak and broken
Grasping for anything
To help me live
Or die
It doesn't matter anymore

I see You here
While I am hurting
While I am growing
While I am learning
I find You here

I saw you in the trees
Growing tall and elegant
I saw you in the mountains
Majestic and powerful
Creation testifying

You reminded me
That I do not walk through
All this darkness
Alone
Helpless

Rather
You walk beside me
In me
Around me
Covering me

You are my protector
You are my safety
You are my solace
You are my value
You are here

Don’t tell me you know
What it feels like
When your own mind
Is your arch enemy

Don’t tell me you understand
What it means
To be a prisoner
Inside your head

Don’t tell me you know
The terror
Of thinking you are
Properly insane

Don’t tell me you get
Being enslaved
By compulsions
You don’t understand

Don’t tell me you know
About causing so much damage
To yourself
You are afraid for your life

Don’t tell me.

These are not things
You can pretend to know
Not feelings you can simulate
Unless you’ve been there

This space in between
Severely ill
And
Finally well
Is so full of confusion
This mixed bag of
Pain
Happiness
Heartbreak
Memories
Old habits tempting
Creeping up to pull you down
While you can see light ahead
Begging you to get better
These are the growing pains
Of recovery

I was weak
I was so afraid
I let it break me
It tore me
Into a million pieces
But here I am
Trying to put them back
And realizing
That they’re not the same
As they were before it all
I’ve changed
My weakness
My brokenness
Taught me
Molded me
Into something
Better
Braver
Stronger

I used to believe
That I could be anything I wanted
That I could create myself
Be exactly who I wanted to be
But I know better now
So much of who I am
Depends on what has happened to me
And the chemicals
Spinning around inside my skull

I need someone
Someone who can just sit and hold me
When the panic strikes
Someone who can lay by my side
When everything in me is in agony
Someone who can kiss me
When I feel worthless and hopeless
Someone who cares enough
To love me in my flaws

I can’t breathe
My body is tense and trembling
Tears rolling down my face
Which I cover with my hands
I can’t open my eyes
My head is racing
I can’t think
Just hold me
Wrap your arms around me
Pull me in close
You know you don’t need to say anything
I just need you
Make me feel safe again
Just let me be in your embrace
Until my heartbeat slows
The tears cease
And once again
I can breathe

I have to satisfy my demons
Or else they get restless
They don’t like it
When I ignore them
When I deny them
It makes them yell louder
It makes them more cruel
So I go somewhere safe
And cry
And scream
And break
Until I have, for now
Satisfied the demons