There’s this odd lingering thought
I’ve been swirling around in my head
That I have no idea how I am
I don’t know if I’m doing well
How would I?
I’ve been sick with this affliction
As long as I can remember
Is there such thing as a “normal” person?
What is it like to be sane?
To not fear your own mind?
To not be tortured by your thoughts?
What’s it like to want to get out of bed?
Or to not have to numb yourself to function?
I suppose I’m doing well
I smile often
As long as others are around
I’m doing well at school
When I can make myself do the work
My job is great
When I can get myself there on time
So I don’t know
Is that normal?

Find me a drug
To end this mundanity
I was so **** low
Until I started those pills
Then I swung up so high
Even this sad life I live
Felt exquisite
Everything was exciting
It all made me smile
It was probably fake
But I don’t really care
Because now I’m fine
And that’s the problem
I can’t stand “fine”
I’m adrift in reality
And frankly
I’m not a fan

I don’t feel like caring
There’s no emotion there anymore
No rush as adrenaline drips into my veins
It’s only in my head
Things I ought to care about
Tasks I should want to do
But caring isn’t physical now
I can’t feel it
Caring is difficult
It takes work to want
Should it be so hard?

Last night I saw it there
Lingering beneath
The thick emotional fog
A creature, a monster
A suppressed storm
Writhing, screaming
Bruised and scarred
Full of old memories
And I was so relieved
To pull the fog back over
And bury it in the night

Sometimes
Feeling sorry for yourself
Is quite simply
The most respectful thing
You can do for you
Because you’ve been through a lot
That’s worth recognizing
(And at least one good cry!)
So, go ahead
Let the pity party commence!
Because you can’t let it go
Until you realize you’re still gripping it
And when you’ve walked through fire,
You deserve to look back on it
Acknowledging the pain
Taking pride in the courage

Why do I cry?
What's ever been done to me
Worth a drop from my eye?
I want something tangible
The obvious mark
Of a broken soul
But, alas, mine isn't broken
Over time, it has grown cracks
Slivers and forks in a delicate glass
Now and again, it'*****
By something so powerful
The weakness is revealed
And everything comes rushing out
Through all the fractures
That I thought I could ignore
And it's overwhelming
I can't take it
Mind racing, body paralyzed
Tears streaming, heart pounding
Breath heaving, muscles tensing
And I don't know
Maybe I've had one too many
I've changed inside
Maybe I'm stronger, maybe I'm weak
But I'm certain
I don't envy the days
When everything revolved
Around the fractures

If I crash to the ground
Shattering like fine china
And lie broken on the street
Would you bother to notice?
Do you know me well enough
To know it was my own fault?
Would you still pick me up
And help glue me together?

There’s a story on my heart
One full of adventure
Of brilliance
Science and magic
Risks and heroes
Dark struggles
Haunting pasts
It’s all in there
Because
I want my heroes
I want them to win
Let’s watch them overcome
Falter then rise
Stagger then steady
Because if they can
These creations in my stories
Then just maybe
I’ll have the strength
To pull myself back up
From how far I’ve fallen

I like to live on fire
Feeling deeply
Loving recklessly
I crave passion
Seeking thunderous storms
Easily bored
With mundane reality
Sinking low
Deeply depressed
I require stimulation
So I throw thoughts around
Inside my head
Creating worlds
In which I’m able to
Live on fire

An image
A sound
A motion
It stops.
Mind reeling
What happened?
Can’t think
No, can’t be
Not to me
Call who?
Police? Why?
Oh... I see...
Wait, I’m alive
But what if...
I could’ve died.
Now what?
Why am I crying?
I can’t look
The damage is bad
Am I breathing?
My fingers won’t still
Typing, calling, yelling
What happened?
The image
The sound
The motion
Again, again, again

I'm craving adventure
I can feel it in my blood
Heart pounding
Anticipating
Let's do something crazy
Just for once be wild
The mountains are calling
We can't leave them hanging
Let's go answer them

I miss you, my friend
I miss the days we were inseparable
You lift my spirits
You remind me to smile
Not to be so serious
Not to be so selfish
But our lives have grown apart
But I still love you, friend
We have the best of times
We are something special
I’ll see you soon
And again, I will smile

The shadows whisper in my ears
The voices in the back of my mind
The ones I write down
Just to get them out
But once they're on the page
They can't hide from me
And I can cut them down
Make them bleed
I know they want me to surrender
Because we both know
I'm a threat to them
So, every breath I take
Is a victory anthem
Every beat of my heart
A drum cadence
It's the song of life
And as long as it plays
I'm winning.

I love my "angry music"
As she puts it
Because it's so real
It sounds like my soul
This swelling, aching, groaning
The crunch in the guitar
Dark and powerful
A strong drumbeat
Killer bass
And lyrics that could make you weep
Or just want to scream
Something that hits you in the gut
And you contemplate
What they could mean
Every time it's deeper
It's better
And always
I play it louder

I'm not really hurting anymore
Not like I was then
I guess I'm fine
But that's the problem
I don't like fine
I'm so **** bored
Now that everyday tasks
Don't terrify me
And I know it's bizarre
Because I don't want to go back
I just want to feel alive
And all that adrenaline
Felt so good
Even though
It was about to **** me
I'm going stir crazy
Just being

What happened to me?
I used to care
About absolutely everything
I'd weep with my sister
I'd make sure I always did my work
I was never late
And it mattered to me
But now,
These things don't seem to matter
In my head, I know what they are
I know how I ought to react
And then I find myself
Utterly blank
I just don't care
Did I realize what was trivial?
Or did I lose some of myself?
I truly can't tell.

I'm not exactly in pain
I'm not exactly hurting
I'm just here
In this strange, surreal state
Where nothing feels quite right
I don't know if I'm fine
I honestly might be
But I have this nagging
That makes me wonder...
I've spent so much energy
On faking smiles
For so **** long
That I can't tell them
Apart from happiness
I want to believe I'm fine
But I also
Want to be in absolute shambles
And I'm not really sure
What I'm supposed to do about that

God, I can see the pieces
They're falling apart
I bend to pick one up
Three more break off
I hide the cracks
From everyone else
But we both know
I can't hide from you
Save me from myself
Be my adhesive
To hold all the pieces
Of me together
Because my strength is failing
And I don't think
I can hold all these pieces
Together any longer

I want to be a wreck
I'm so done
With all these smiles
All this makeup
To mask the scars
I want to scream
At the entire world
I want to break something
Loudly
Make a huge mess
I want to fill my veins
With something
Intoxicating
Let my head spin

But instead
I'll sit here
Sober and angry
I'll do my homework
I'll go to work
I'll be what you need
Because I'm fine
I'm doing great
You're so proud
And I'm on meds now
They work great
And I'm fine
I'm doing great

I didn't mean to lie
When I said I felt good
That the anxiety was gone
That I wasn't depressed
I knew I had a few bad days
But I was having a good streak
So I told you I felt fine
And now I'm not sure I meant it
But I'm so afraid of going back
To the place I was in
That I don't really want to tell you anyway
Because I'm better than that
That mess I was
And I don't want to let go
Of the okay I'm feeling

You can't hear it
The screaming of my soul
It's writhing in pain
It's lost and lonely
Confused and bruised
But for your sake
I choose to suffer in silence
Because I know you can't take it
I know you can't handle
Seeing me struggle
But I am
And I want you to let me
But I can't tell you
Because you can't take it
Do you see my problem?

I so desperately wish
That I could stop caring
I'm clinging to things
I don't want to worry about
People who don't know me
I just want to stop!
I want to freeze time
So I can take a break
From thinking
From breathing
Because right now
I'm just looking for moments
That offer escape
I'm chasing sensations
That remind me I'm destructible
That let my mind be freed
But I can't let go of everything else
Long enough to wade into
The destruction that beckons me
I want it
I want to lose it all
I want to be finished
At least for a while

There’s always blood on my hands
And it always belongs
To me.

On the edge of sanity
I teeter
Never sure which side
I’m leaning towards
But the edge
It burns
It’s unbearable
To be taunted by the voices
Calling from below
Whispering, beckoning
But I’m gripping reality
Too tightly
To fall in
Even though
Something within
Would like nothing more
Than sweet release

When you learn
To scream
At the pain
At the anxiety
At the depression
At everything that broke you
When you can be angry at it all
It turns into passion
And it feels exquisite
Because finally
When all you’ve felt
Is sadness
Is stress
Is numbness
You start feeling
Strong
Courageous
Powerful
Because you can focus
Everything in you
Into a passionate fury
Directed at the darkness

There’s something there
Lurking in the depths of my mind
Feeding me lies
Poisoning my heart
It makes me grow weak
I stagger through my days
My mind a jumble
Memory a blur
I can’t tell
If I’m even myself
When it twists my thoughts
Warps my emotions
Am I numb?
Do I want to be?
I don’t know what’s true
Except that I’m sure
There’s something there
Lurking inside.

I want to write a love song
A beautiful ode to someone
Who cares for me so deeply
Someone I could give my heart
Someone I'd give the power
To break it
But I can't
Because I don't know how
I've never felt it before
I've never been held by a man
I've never been chosen
I'm not the one people choose
But I'd love to be
And until then
Love will sicken me

I keep cycling
Not knowing what's true
Am I really feeling numb?
Am I so cold and distant?
Or perhaps, instead
I'm just bored
And finally in my right mind
To realize how dull my life is
How futile these squabbles are
But maybe I chose this
Because I feel so much
That I realized
If I let myself feel it all
My heart would break

I want to be her
The girl you see
When you look at me
Flawless, kind, selfless
And around you, I am
But I hate her
She’s your creation
She doesn’t belong to me
If you let me go
I will tear myself apart
The last threads will sever
I will release
What you taught me
To pressurize inside
And after my eruption
I will sit in my own ashes
And rebuild myself
Out of the embers

I thought I was alive
But then I looked around me
I started questioning
And the more I wondered
The more I discovered
That this isn’t it
There’s too much longing
Within my soul
For greater things
For this to be everything
But with that realization
Came the desire to rush
To reach eternity
But I have to finish
My fight on this ground
Before I reach out my palm
To touch destiny

How does one live
In a world like this?
All I want is to scream
I want to fight this world
I want to fight this evil
Thoughts about injustice
Distract me from progress
The useless progression
Of human knowledge
Rendered null by infinity
Because there's so much more
And I want to seek it!
How do we stay still
While we watch the world burn?
But it was always meant to burn!
And it was always to be
At our hands
All we do here is die
We wither and rot
Until our last breath
We worship plastic
We crave poison
Of course we court death!
Of course we flee this despair!
Of course we watch our flesh bleed!
Of course!
Because that’s what we do
When we rebel against hope.

I was born into darkness
A servant, a slave to it
Shackles kept me prisoner
But I was freed
By the Breaker of Chains
It held me close
While nursing my wounds
But when I healed,
I started fighting back
Against goodness
I didn't want to be cared for
I never deserved that kind of love
I shouldn't be protected
And the darkness,
I’d made it my home
It could make me feel
Like none other could
And I forgot
About all I had been rescued from
And I tried to escape
To return
To my demons
And the Breaker of Chains?
It watched over me
Guarded me
While I wandered
Allowing my freedom
But preventing my demise

I think I understand now
I’m not looking to die
I’m just looking
To be reminded
Why I am alive

I'm a slave to these lettered keys
Begging them for another hit
If I can find just the right words
The perfect phrase
Dark, mysterious, real
I can frighten myself
By its beauty
And derive pleasure
From its gentle caress
They take over my thoughts
I'm surrounded by stories
I'm not sure what's true
But I know if I keep writing
If I allow it to consume me
It will ease my passage
Through these days

I like to believe
My pride is rooted
In insecurity
Because somehow
That's better?
However some
Nagging notion
Makes me wonder if
My self-demeaning
My self-sabotaging
My self-harming
Is all simply to hide
From myself and
From the world
The arrogance
Consuming my mind

Oddities of flesh
Pale and sickly
Necrotic, peeling off
Craving death so near
But if treated with care,
It will glow like fire
Radiant, vibrant
And it will be so
Impossibly beautiful
Full of vitality
Powerful
But, it must be
Treated with care

Sunny skies
Caffeine-induced euphoria
Loud rock music
Feel the pounding beat
Of my pulse with the bass
Hands quaking
But I actually am
Kind of fine
For once
I sit and savor
Smiles and heartbeats

I don’t want to be lonely
I don’t want to be alone
But I thought I did
And now I’m paying for it
I pushed everyone away
Now I don’t know how
To get you back
To let anyone in

I don’t want to believe in hope
Because if there’s hope,
I have to change
I have to be better
I can’t stay where I am
Wallowing in my misery
Looking for reasons for rage
Desperately searching to ease
The pain from my faceless abusers
But I don’t want to be better
I like this hole I’ve dug
To lie down in and die
I’m not crying for help
I’m just crying
But for nothing more
Than the fact that I know
That I cannot stay here
Because I know
That there is hope

I need to crumble
To fall apart
So I can put myself
Back together
The right way this time
But I’m terrified
That once the pieces
Start to fall
I won’t be strong enough
To pick them back up

I tried to run
I wanted to escape
From the chains I've locked
Around my wrists
And the shackles
Weighing down my feet
But I can't try what you all do
So I make up my own
My routines to flee
From this crippling sense
Of reality
And you tell me it's dangerous
But I honestly don't care
I almost hope it is
And you wouldn't let me
Try anything else
So I guess I'm just
Desperate

Please let me hurt
Let me grieve for myself
All of me I had to release
I know I'm supposed to smile
But I don't want to anymore
I need to cry
But I don't remember how
I need to hurt
Because it is after
I've mourned my losses
That I can move forward
That I can change
That I can improve
And when I'm finished
I'll be beautiful
So, please
Just let me feel this