My existence aches
I don’t know why
Every muscle tense
I can’t get comfortable
I want to dissolve
Into nothingness
I don’t know why
I want to cause pain
It’ll give me a reason
To hurt
My hands trying to move
To where the marks can hide
So instead I type
Maybe I can trick them
Into thinking they’ve done
Their dark deed

Every movement
“You should get up.”
“At least roll over.”
Every thought
“You need to eat.”
“You have work to do.”
Met by a question
Immediate, paralyzing, numbing
“Why?”

So many things to do
Make some food
Clean something
Laundry
Study for finals
But I don’t care
I really don’t

I’d really like to be chosen
Just once
Someone who didn’t have to care
Who could look into my depths
The deep darkness behind my eyes
And just hold me
Make me feel accepted
Even while I’m broken

She’s never been loved
Not even close
So many she’s wanted
None reciprocated
And the thought
Creeps into her mind
With a growing persistence
As the years roll by
“Is there something wrong with me?”
But she’s known for so long
The answer is most certainly
A definitive
“Yes.”

I’d really like to know
If there’s someone
To whom the idea of
Gently running his fingers
Down my cheek
Looking into my eyes
And kissing me deep
Would not be found
Utterly repulsive

A year ago...
When life was unbearable
I prayed so long and hard
For God’s peace
Which surpasses understanding
To fill me
To calm me
To steady me
So I could think
So I could breathe
So I could eat
Ending the compulsions
Ending the panic
Ending the dread
And he answered
After I took a step forward
But now I’m not sure
If I’m filled with
The peace of God
Or the peace of paroxetine
Or perhaps... both?

Music so loud it hurts
Passion pouring from the speakers
Inside my ears
2:00 AM
And I danced
Wildly
And I smiled
Honestly
And I enjoyed
Thoroughly
The only thing missing
Would have been a partner
But until I find one
I dance alone
And absolutely love it

I glide my fingers over
The scab I didn’t mean to make
And try to convince myself
Not to make any more

I suppose
In my sudden
And terribly jarring realization
That I am, in fact, human
I was struck by how utterly terrifying
Being human is
And not just fear of mortality
But the understanding
Of what I am capable of
And I’ve since learned
That once perfection is no longer an option,
Everything else becomes
Horribly intriguing

She keeps telling me
As I sit across from her
To close my eyes
And imagine my young self
A scared and confused child
What would I say to her
As the panic sets in
As she’s ashamed of herself
As she loses control
And I know how to speak
To frightened children
But when I try to do so
To myself
To the little girl in my head
I break
Every time

It’s here
While I sit
Broken and empty
Hating myself
For these messes I’ve made
That you remind me
How powerful
Your grace is
And how desperately
I really do need it

I don't want to think straight
Because all that's ever gotten me
Is the coldness of reality
Existential aching
Loneliness and grief
But I've been crazy too
Fed lies by my brain
Paranoid beyond function
Paralyzed by indecision
Why can't life
Why can't my mind
Why can't people
Ever just be gentle?

Some days...
Some days it’s just so bad...
My skin feels like fire
I want to tear it off
Everything aches
And everything
Is a trigger

If ever I was given the chance
I could love so passionately
I would listen, I would care
I would pour myself into you
I would fall so hard
And I don’t care if it might hurt
Because I hate being alone
I’m dying like this
I wasn’t made to be alone

I remember this feeling
Dizzying, exhilarating
I’ve let the darkness in too far
And for far too long
I need to irradiate myself
In the light of hope
I’ve been here before
And it’s so intoxicating
It feels honest and exciting
But I’ve been swallowing lies
I need a detox of truth

I... I think I’m relapsing
I’m unsteady
Unstable
The aching in my heart
Won’t quit
It’s empty
My body tense and shaking
I’m still in control
It’s not like it was
But it’s not a good sign...

Muscles tense
Hands shaking
I can hardly move
My thoughts so fast
I can’t make sense of them
I just know they hurt
But some feel so good
I’m not thinking properly
Ideas pass in emotions
The richness of pleasure with pain
Don’t pity me
Even when it hurts
For this time,
I remember
I am alive

Something about this house...

The table where I sat and wept
In silence so they wouldn’t hear
Waiting until they were all asleep
To eat next to nothing

The couch where I laid
Catatonic for hours
Staring into the TV screen
To lose myself in other worlds

The stairs where I fell
Because I was so weak
Then I screamed that I was fine
Realizing something was very wrong

The shower where I could sob
Where the sound was drowned
Eyes closed so hard I saw spots
Begging for existence to stop

The entry where I greeted guests
There to congratulate my graduation
I had to endure so many, “You look so great!”s
And pretend I had already eaten

My room...
So many memories...
Scraping the skin off with my nails
Questioning my will to live
Sleepless nights in anguish
Only to rest from the exhaustion of crying
Praying for my sanity

This house...

I was a lawful good
Boring, obsessive
Neurotic
But still good

I started leaning away
Let go of the rules
I became neutral good
I’d bend or break the order
But in the end
I’m still good

Maybe I’m even pushing
Into chaotic good
And maybe I’m okay with it
I like it
And overall
My heart is
Still good

So when you say
I’m not myself
You mean I’ve dropped the structure
Released my grip on order
And that’s what I needed
Maybe I’ll bend it a little far
Maybe create a bit of chaos
But that’s okay
I’m still me
I’m still good

It’s a new day outside
I feel it within
Thick darkness fading slightly
Turning a bit more grey
From the gentle touch of light
I’m fighting
I can feel it

See, I don’t want to be loved, do I?
Because if I am loved
There are expectations on me
I have to at least try to be worthy of it
But the darkness is calling my name
And it calls so sweetly
It’s made me promises
Of which I’m sure it can’t fulfill
But it’s so exciting
New and thrilling
To try
However,
As long as I’m loved
I have to show restraint
So watch me push you all away
So you’ll just let me drown myself
In my own blissful irresponsibility

I'm so attracted to the broken
The struggle, the sorrow
The empathy in me swirls and swells
Reading poems to sadden my soul
Forcing tears to my eyes
Reminding me how to cry
Reminding me it's okay to hurt
Everyone else is hurting too
No one is as happy as they appear
So I suppose, it's really the strength
To be honest about how broken one is
That I find staggeringly attractive

They’re afraid I’m not myself
That the little circular tablet has changed me
But how would we know?
Before I was crippled by adrenaline
I was so young
You can’t compare me to that
And in the midst of my darkest days...
You can’t possibly believe that’s me
Is that who you’re looking for?
Because I don’t care about everything now
It’s not perfect
But I’m not obsessive anymore
And that’s what I needed most

I don't remember much
Because when I do
The memories always
Bring me to my knees
If only I could block out
The present
Just wake me
When it's all over

You say I’m sinful
But you love me
Even like this
So much you went through
The pain of humanity
Our wrath and evil
To save us monsters
But I can’t shake the thought
That I’m so horribly unworthy
I can’t even accept human love
How can I possibly consider
That you could care about me?
Show me what you see in me
For what reason could you possibly care?
Even while I sit here
Craving darkness
I know salvation comes through faith
Not by what I’ve done
But my faith is weaker than ever
So won’t you let me
Fall from grace?

I feel like running
I want to hide
To slip deeper into darkness
Dwell in the night
I want to throw these burdens
Off my weak shoulders
The heaviest of which
Is how much you care
It’s keeping me here
Teetering on the fulcrum
Between recovery and relapse
And I guess we’ll see
Which way the burdens
Force me to lean

I awake to an unreal calm in my chest
Blissful and gentle
Merciful
Nothing quite matters
I know it should
But I just don’t care
I inhale deeply, slowly
Savoring the feeling
Knowing it’s temporary
Knowing I’ll have to give it up
It’s not supposed to make me like this
I know I probably take too much
But the serenity
Of the morning
Is so irresistible

I’m so **** scared
Of relapsing
So I play these games
Distract myself
Even as the feelings creep in
I tell myself a different story
Make up some excuse
Point them anywhere else
But now I’m so confused
I can’t remember what were lies
Except for the one truth:
I’m so **** scared
Of relapsing

In a moment of clarity
I knew
I was nearing insanity

You see,
I know I must be something truly awful
Because I’m not sorry for what I did
I’m sorry I got caught
And that’s how I’ve always been

You talk about me without me
With the only person I trusted
Pretend you know what's going on
Trying to take control of me
But you have no idea
What happens in my head
You don't know
What's going on with me
How dare you
HOW DARE YOU

I need a release
To feel something sharp
But if in my hand
I clutch the cup with ice
It burns cold
Through my palm
I feel it spreading
It aches and it hurts
My hand going red,
But there’s no blood

I don’t know which I hate more
Myself
Or the world at large
But I feel the rage
Swirling, boiling
In my chest
In my veins
And when I’ve directed at myself
All I can take
It bleeds out to the world
My disease
Spreading