What did you do?
The monster is awake
She’s furious
Now I have to hold her back

Mascara coats my face
I can’t move
I can’t think
My whole body is exhausted
I’m dehydrated
Shaking
My phone covered in salt and makeup
Tissues... everywhere.

I felt again.
Panic set in
I wanted to crawl out of my skin
I couldn’t breathe
Guilt flooded my mind
Self loathing skyrocketed

Another empty pill bottle
Another gargoyle to throw away
If I set it on my nightstand
It keeps the demons at bay

I can breathe again
My mind is calm
My thoughts collected
Maybe I’ve finally
Bled out enough darkness
In these words
That I can be free
For a while

She clung tight to the light,
Though her limbs were aching,
For it was all she had ever known,
And as the darkness crept up behind her,
He caressed the scars along her shoulders
His touch inducing euphoria and anguish
He gently pulled her hair back
And whispered in her ear
“Don’t worry.
“I’ll be here when you fall”

Disorder
The word still echoes in my head
Surreal and complicated
Such a heavy word
Even though it's been almost a year
Since things were so bad
And I heard the words:
Anxiety Disorder
Eating Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Followed by the words:
Depression
Phobia
Medication
Each one like a lightning strike
I can feel them in my veins
But the most frightening
Was hearing the prefix:
Severe

Interesting
A little flower
Dried and flakey
Contained in a pouch
Plopped into water
And that’s it
That seemed to do the trick
Maybe all I needed
Was a nice cup of tea

Do you know
How dreadful it is
To be horribly upset
Mourning
Over absolutely
Nothing?
It’s full of angst
Unfocused, blind rage
And the guilt,
When I can feel anything at all,
Is overwhelming
Because I don’t deserve
To waste these sad words
They should belong to those
Who have earned them

A black cloud
Surrounds my heart and mind
Thoughts slow and dull
Chest thick and heavy
Flashes of nervous lightning
Flicker in my veins
Chaos within this body
I want to run
I want to sleep
I’m burning
And frozen
Paralytic
I don’t know how
To break the trance

I want to write about love
To tell you the story
Of my first kiss
My first heartbreak
But I can’t
Because something about me
Everything about me
Repels relationships
With unrivaled intensity
I’ve always been alone

I can’t tell
If I’m just depressed
For not having eaten
In twenty-two hours
Or if because I’m depressed
I don’t care to eat...

I just want to turn into the person you never dreamed I would be... not even in your wildest nightmares

i've made myself sick
my stomach turns in knots
i haven't eaten...
in a long time
and i just keep pouring
more and more chemicals
down my raw throat
because maybe one
will make the demons
SHUT UP
for a moment

I don't know what it would do to me
I don't know if it would help
I don't know how it would make me feel
I don't know if it would ease the pain
But there's a chance it might
Even for just a little while
And that's why I'm blindly craving
The contents of that bottle

I'm at a crossroads
Where I can decide
Who I'll be moving on
And everything I am
Everything I've been through
Could either to turn me into
The Perfect Kid or
The Wild Child
And no one's seen the wild
Within my heart yet
But think about it
I'm full of anxiety
I'm full of depression
(I've never seen anyone properly handle either)
I've been shielded from reality
Then had to find it myself
I've been pressurized and pushed
Never encouraged to explore
Afraid of everything
And now I've found a bit of freedom
And I can either follow it
To success or to darkness
And honestly
Success appears so futile and dull
And the darkness is so inviting...

And there I was
Feeling the sweet flames
On my tongue
Down my throat
In my gut
For the first time
And all I wanted
Was more

My heart’s beating
Pounding actually
But my chest
It’s heavy
My mind
Is empty
I’m trying
To smile politely
To hide it
But I can’t feel
I can barely hear the words
Falling from your mouth

When everything is numb
My heart starts to grow cold
I'll do anything
Absolutely anything
For just a moment
Of pure emotion
And if I can do it with words
About destruction
Fantasies about pain
Despair and insanity
But not hurt myself
I suppose that will do
It’s not perfect
But it could be so much worse

Today I awoke
And I could feel the tablet
I took last night
They promised I wouldn’t
But how could I not?
It’s stolen my most faithful companion
The buzzing anxiety in my gut
Replaced it with a cold calm
That I can’t tell if I like
Because I loved the fire
I used to hold inside
But it was burning me
It was out of control
So it had to be
Extinguished

Are there people
Without voices in their heads?
Monsters tormenting and
Demons taunting them?
Because I’ve lived my entire life
Fighting for my sanity
My grip on reality
Desperately trying to hear my own voice
In all of the chaos
This is just how I am
It’s how I live
And it astounds me
That anyone could be different

Okay, God
Let’s do this
You and me
At it again
I’ve forgotten what I knew
Lost my purpose
Got caught up in my desires
I don’t want to lose myself like this
Remind me who I am
Remind me what I’m doing
Remind me how to love you

I think it’s getting bad again
The signs are slowly appearing
Forgetting to eat
Adrenaline spikes
Self-medicating
Disinterest
Forgetfulness
But if I can make it go away
By my appointment
I can pretend
It never happened...

I was happy
But then I got sick
Pushed everyone away
And the pills
Ward off the sickness
But they can’t heal
The loneliness it created

I’ve let the whispers
Of the demons in my head
Turn into comforting melodies
Turn into irresistible desires
They tell me how good
The sin could make me feel
Convince me of solutions
That shouldn’t be options
I let them taunt me
Twist my thoughts around
But in a moment
I am reminded who the enemy is
The demons are not on my side
No matter what they try to offer
Even when the temptation
Sounds exquisite
I have to muster the strength
To fight for my life

I messed with my body
Played games with my head
Now my stomach aches
My mind won’t focus
And I tasted the fear
The illness I’ve been fleeing
I invited it back in
It flared inside like fire
But eventually
It did subside
Leaving a bitter regret in its wake

I can feel my heart
It’s pounding so hard
I went overboard
That was probably one too many
80 mg more than I needed
But man, I feel alive
My mind is wild
I’m so high

I’d like to spend some time
Away from reality
A little out of my mind
I’d like to lose it
Do something dumb
Inebriate myself
Dizzy and happy
Just for a bit
But so many rules
So many people
So many expectations
Reputations
Pull me away
From my much-needed break
I can see it
I can smell it
But I can’t taste it
I know it’s better this way
But I want to fall
I want to fall so far from here
So far from myself
I don’t want to feel
At least for a while
Please, let me lose it

I really wanted to brood a little longer
Wallow in the hole I’ve dug myself
But you broke me down
And I think
Just maybe
You made me smile

Is it exercise
If I do it while eating
A chocolate pop-****?

I got a bit high
And tried to capitalize
The numeral five

I stretch myself out
Over the face of the cliff
And I laugh
I let you think it’s the adrenaline
But the rocks and I know
We’re old friends

And there I was
Standing in the shower
Mesmerized
By the elegance
Of the stream of blood
As it joined the water

I have a secret
I don’t share it with those close
Because I need something
That I can call my own
And as long as I appear
A bit happier than I am
Then the rest of the darkness
Anything I can hide inside
Is mine alone to enjoy
And I’ll let it destroy me
Just because
I wanted something
That was mine

I feel odd
Not all there
In and out of phase
Waking and sleeping
My mind won’t commit
My head droops on my pillow
I think I should breathe
Eyes won’t focus
A nervous calm fills my gut
Tired but knowing I must wake
Everything in my head
Feels so sluggish
Let me lay down
Good morning

Caffeine’s always my favorite drug
I can abuse it quietly
No one has to know
And if they do
I can laugh it off
I love it
But the high is sweet
Dragging me out of depression
My whole body buzzing
One more can, bottle, cup, glass, shot...
I can feel it
Everywhere
Mind racing
Eyes open so wide
My hands tremble
Muscles twitch
Little jolts of pleasure
Of course I want coffee
I’m an addict
And I’m not even sorry

I’m a good kid
Never slacked off
Never talked back
Never cursed
Never drank
Never did drugs
Never partied
Never ever disobeyed
I was always so kind
Full of a powerful empathy
But then life happened
Everything started to crash down around me
A fiery rage was kindled in my gut
There’s so much anger
I don’t know where to put it
And I can’t lash out
So I push it in
So deep within...
And that’s why I’m like this
That’s why I push my tolerance
For stress
Until I panic
For pain
Until I see spots
For caffeine
Until my heart races and my hands shake
For sadness
Until I can’t contain my grief
I don’t hate myself
I’m just so angry
And have no where else to put it

Maybe I can write myself high
Convince my mind to detach
To float off into another world
Where breath isn't followed by regret
With persuasive, sensual words
Searching for the right combination
My entire body relaxes
A grin grows on my lips
My eyes wander lazily
As I savor the rush
My mind empties
Breath slow and even
Hazy surroundings whirl
The ground bends under my feet
I laugh loudly
As my knees buckle and I stagger
For a while, nothing matters
If only I had the right words...

I think I need to cry
To release everything building up inside
But I don't remember how
I used to wait until panic set in
Then I'd explode
But at least it would be out
I can't panic anymore
The suppressed emotion just simmers
Under a layer of serotonin insulation
I can feel the heat rising
But I don't know how to let it out

I disappointed myself today
Not that it probably would have mattered
Because sometimes I'm just sad
And today is one of those days
So, I'm going to sit.
On my couch.
In sweats.
Eating chips.
Watching TV.
Writing poetry.
Until it stops hurting.

I believe in God
But that doesn’t stop me
From sinking into dark depressions
Sometimes I go utterly numb
And tear at my skin
So I feel something
Sometimes I crave destruction
Sometimes I worship my own insanity
But I know He’s there
Waiting patiently
Being ever so gentle with my broken heart
Ready to pull me in tight
When I call for Him
And beg for the forgiveness
I’ll never be worth

My eyes are heavy and drooping
Threatening me with sleep
But in my limbs
I feel excited
It’s a nervous bliss
It feels powerful
And I don’t want to let it go
But I have to

I don’t want to do this
Any of this
All I really want
Is to listen to music too loud
Read and write poetry
And maybe get a little drunk
Because honestly
All of this “progress”
It’s getting old

The evening wears on
And it starts to wear off
Fog lifting lightly
My thoughts wandering
Into somewhere darker
Something deeper
But soon I’ll be in bed
And I’ll take it again
So when I wake
I don’t go mad

You called me "gifted"
You forced an identity on me
If I wasn't smart, who was I?
I knew I would let you down
You taught me to box myself in
So I could take over when you left
And now here I am
No better than anyone else
Utterly lost and confused
I don't know who the hell I am
Because everything that made me
What you told me I was
I had to abandon
Because it was killing me
All those "gifts" that now I see
Were the result of nothing more
Than my ******* anxiety

I miss it.

I miss the rush.
The soaring mind sitting down for a test
From all the blood pounding in my head
The sparks when I'd walk across a stage
To remind me to do my best
I miss the adrenaline.

But I don't miss it all.
The paralytic panic
The crippling fear
The devastating perfectionism
The compulsions
The growing thin against my will
I'm lucky to be free.

Yet, somehow I still have this desire
To simulate what I've lost
Copious cups of coffee
To make my heart pound
That little ball of jittery energy
Spinning in my gut
Spreading through to my fingertips
Then I'll be late to class
Driving recklessly
Running down stairs
Cutting it so close
That I have to feel nervous
That I have to feel something

So, what can I say?
I'm a creature of habit
And maybe it'll **** me