A nice feeling...                                                       ­                                    .
                        pleasant...                            ­                                           .  .
                                       inviting...                                               y
As fuzziness floods the mind.....                              a
Let me d  r  i     f   t                 a              w                  
I'm ready.
End this day.
Take my consciousness away
I'll probably want it later
But not now
I'm finished for a bit
Grant me these sacred hours
In which I don't have to think
Free me of this curse of existence
Just for a little while.....

I don’t really want to be cold
I don’t really want to be in pain
I don’t really want to be fighting

Honestly, it’s exhausting

I just sort of....

I want to be wrapped in a warm embrace
I want to be caressed by someone kind
I want to be affirmed gently

Perhaps it would ease my burdens
Perhaps it would bring me peace
Perhaps it would allow me to rest

Because, frankly,
I’m exhausted

Alright, Darkness
You’ve held me captive so long
I stopped fighting
I let you consume my mind, my being
But I did not rest idly
I gathered my strength
And now I will reach yet again
For the sword I had sheathed
I will fight
I will wage war
To protect myself
To save myself
I’ve rested well
And now with my sword in hand
I will banish you from my heart
I will reach out to the light
And be filled again
With life

Trigger warning: Self harm


I’m fine
It’s fine
The episode ended
Just a few red marks left
No blood
I’m fine
Just a bit of skin under my nails
No blood
I’m fine
Ugh why so dizzzzyyy???
What’s that?
That line....
It’s too dark....
I’m fine
Just a little blood
It served its purpose
I don’t cut.
So it’s fine.

What have I done
I knew this would happen
As soon as I did it
The very first time
I knew I wouldn’t stop
I knew better
But now here I am
And every time
The adrenaline starts
Instinctively
My nails search for a target
Anywhere will do
Fingers, palms, shoulders
I don’t even realize
I can’t hardly feel it
What have I done
This will not go quietly....

I don’t know
I just want to hurt
Or be numb
But not this
What is this??
I want another.
Not too much...
What would it feel like...?
I’d love to know...
Because this is fine
But a little drowsy
Is not full on sedated
And honestly
If I can’t be fiery and passionate
Then I better be heavily sedated
And I know why I can’t...
I can’t have either
But I WANT THEM
Just help me escape....

Yeah no joke...
I can feel it creeping in
Slowly, gradually
Like natural fatigue
Ah, but I know better
This is far too intense
Far too pleasant...

I love the night
The feeling of being awake
While the rest slumber
In the darkness
And as the clock ticks on
As the hour grows late
Or perhaps terribly early...
I feel the madness creeping in
This time, I won’t fight it

When I remember things that hurt
All the pain, the strife
The months, years of brokenness
I know they hurt
I know I should be able to feel them
They should break me from within
But instead
I just feel
Still

I don’t know what’s happening
I strain to remember my past
Every memory brings more pain
But also eases the confusion
Still my head spins
There’s so much at work here
What a tangled web I’ve weaved...

Come to me,
My long-awaited romance
Pull me in close
So I can feel your heart
Your breath, your flesh
Tell me I’m lovely
I won’t believe you at first
So you kiss me gently
And hold me near your body
Until I start to wonder
If perhaps
You actually weren’t lying
I’ve waited so long
Haven’t I been patient?
Haven’t I suffered enough?
Where are you, my love?
Will I ever find you?
I’m not even so sure
I believe you exist....

Make my heart bleed
Please.
I can’t remember
What it felt like
To be alive

I’m so terribly deceptive
I look sweet, don’t I?
I act kind, don’t I?
I speak wisely, don’t I?
Ahh, but you don’t see my heart
Within me lies corruption
I am fallen
I am broken
And truly, I love it
Which frightens me, sickens me
Yet I do not mean it any less...
There’s this potential within me
I could be so destructive
But I don’t want to hurt you, really...
So I guess I will have to do...

I’m so tired
Tired of fighting
I just need a break...
A little reward
For all the turmoil
Something to quiet my mind
Cast out these demons
I’ll pick my sword back up
I swear it
It’s just... I’m growing weary
And I’m not sure
How much more of this
I can endure

I suppose I’m just surprised
At the amazing capacity I have
For darkness
For imperfection
For failure
It’s horrifying
What I am capable of...
I’ve seen it
I’ve felt it
But I haven’t done it
Not yet
But the idea...
The thoughts call to me like sirens
And my will to fight...?
It’s failing
I’d like to give in...

What am I doing
To myself?
I know it’ll hurt
I know it’s bad
I anticipate pain
Then I proceed!
What is this madness?
Why am I like this?

Emotions....
Such strange things
Why do they all feel so new...
All so exciting
Dark ones
Beautiful ones
Painful ones
Exhilarating ones
Peaceful ones
All of it
Terribly confusing
Terribly interesting
Terribly inviting

Anything
Anything at all
To feel something
Anything at all...
I’ll compromise myself
My morals, my heart, my body
I don’t really care
I just... I just want to feel something
Anything

My heart is longing
Deeply aching for something
Something beautiful

I am my own worst enemy
I want to blame it on something else
Blame my parents
Blame my school
Blame my brain chemistry
Blame the universe
Blame the demons
Blame God...
But honestly...
It’s me.
Something within
Wants to rebel from goodness
Wants to feel the thrill of pain
The pleasure of sin
And I know it’ll be my end
But I hardly care...
I’m always at war with myself
Because in the quiet of night
It becomes so very clear
I am my own worst enemy

You *****.
I’m stressed
Uncomfortable
Aching
For no reason
Which makes me feel guilty
I ******* hate you
Except when you’re gone
And I go back to numb
Cold and dull
So I stare into an empty cup
That still smells faintly of a dark roast
And beg you to come back to me
Please, babe
I didn’t mean it...

It’s amazing how quickly I can shift
My moods are always wild
Absolutely no consistency
Just two days ago
I had the best day I’ve had in months
Maybe even all year
And now
I sit here
Pathetic
Disgusting
Solitary
And I can’t tell
If I feel nothing
Or if I’m in intense pain
I want to drown
I want to hurt
I want to laugh
Idk
I’m just..... wrong.....

This isn’t what I wanted...
How did I get here???
I used to be vibrant...
I have faded

I just wanted to be strong...
But it turns out
I’m weak
I’m fragile
My flesh tears easily
Stinging annoyingly
I can’t handle emotions
I can’t take pain
Not even little things
Distant losses
Minor changes
My brain can’t do it
It’s so weak...
**** it up!
Everyone else can!
But they don’t hurt me now
Not like this
Not when I’m blunted
Because I couldn’t take it
Because I couldn’t control myself
What happened to me??
What excuse do I have??
Maybe I’m just being dramatic
But I’m certain of this,
I am weak.

Everything’s cold inside
Blissfully numb
Stupidly happy
I know some days
I truly hate it
But today...
This is heaven

I’m a stranger in my own flesh

On the obvious,
My adult body
Has never been
This small before
It feels strange...
It was not by choice

But I don’t know
I’ve no idea who I am
I lost a year of my life
My senior year
Stolen by insanity

I was supposed to
Go out and find myself
Go away to college
But I was too weak
I couldn’t do it

So here I am
Alive only because
I’m addicted to my drug
The one prescribed
But this is when
I was supposed to find out
Who the hell I am
And instead
There’s this thing
In my head
And I need it...
So badly I need it
But I can’t tell
If I’m making the decisions
Or if it is...
I’m a stranger
Inside my flesh

Slowly, sneakily
It starts creeping back in
Right around midnight
As the medication fades
As I prep my next dose
I feel my past
Hovering over my shoulders
Threatening to return
And just the thought
Fills me with so much fear
I rush to my little orange bottle
And wait for its serenity
To bring me peace again

I love you
Truly, deeply
You aren’t afraid of my scars
You show me your own
You don’t hold back
You treat me as an equal
And I don’t know how to express to you
That I absolutely adore
Everything about you
You are my love
My platonic soulmate

Come here, Beloved Daughter

I can see the tears you're fighting back
Remember? I was there with you
I held you as you silently wept
In the darkness all alone
Those nights when you couldn't see an end
To the misery
There was no way out
It had gone on so long
That you weren't sure
If you wanted to be alive anymore

I was there

You cried yourself to sleep in my arms
And I know it hurts to remember
But it's how you're going to heal
You don't have to force smiles
Especially not with me

Because I was there, Beloved

The night you wanted to come home

Its fingers closing around my throat
Afraid to swallow, to breathe
In case I won’t be able to...
Can’t get it out of my mind...
GET OUT OF MY HEAD
The monsters are crawling back in
They’re trying to take control
I STILL HAVE CONTROL

What is control.... control.... lol
Control has only ever brought me
MADNESS

I can’t let them see
THEY CAN’T KNOW

I can’t tell the doctor...
I DON’T WANT MORE MEDS

I’m slipping

It’s coming back.

****.

So here's the thing............
I can't tell anything apart
How can I say my meds aren't working??
If maybe I'm just cold because of life...
I've got plenty of reasons
I cause myself so much grief

I'M STILL PICKING UP THE PIECES FROM LAST TIME

and I really broke last time...

So I DON'T KNOW

If I'm okay

It's probably all my fault....

                                but... that's what the depression used to say....

I just don't know how to BE ALIVE

and all the pills do is keep me breathing... or eating... I guess...

I miss feeling
I used to feel

EVERYTHING

ALWAYS

And, sure
It was
D                              
                            e         ST                 r
                                                               ­ u c
                                                               ­    t
                                                               ­            I                        
                                       ­                                         V
                      ­                                                                 ­         e
But, ****...
I could     F     E     E     L

Always so high on           E m P At  H y


I'm not supposed to feel
                                              n. u. m. b.


I should say something...
But I.... I can't....
I can't go back
To my
                                                 H  E  L  L

So... I don't know...
Maybe this'll work
I can settle for this...
My three emotions:
                                                HIGH!!!­
empty
                                                          ­                                 &
                                                                ­                                l   o     w.....

At least until I'm finally told
It's time to taper off...

I'm not sure I belong here
But who am I to judge?
I know nothing of poetry
My major is not literary
Honestly, I'm willing to bet
These words sound nothing
To you, my reader, as they do
As I sit here and type
As I read them back in my mind
But I can feel the words.
I can feel the lines.
And I so desperately need
To remember how to feel.
I may not be a poet,
But I can sure try
And I appreciate you all
Who embrace my makeshift verses
And offer me solace

Everything used to be so clear...
Don't lie, cheat, steal, injure, hate...
Do the dishes when you're told
Go fold the laundry
But when did being "good"
Become so complicated?
When did that voice appear
That taunts me to sin
Even when I know the consequences
I can't always tell wants from needs
The lines are so fuzzy...
So I live in no man's land
Sometimes even stepping over
Clearly crossing lines
Just to test it...
But I thought I knew
I thought I was good
Why am I so dark inside?
And why do I like it...?

The darkness
Has always been an intimate friend
Whispering, screaming in my head
The entirety of my existence
Only to grow louder
To become more convincing
As I tried to fight
But as I’m gaining the freedom
To actually give in
It’s grown so quiet
Allowing its whispers to ****** me
I’m so infatuated with it
And I know I am tethered
Quite strongly to the light
But I also know
If I pull away from goodness
I will find myself with some slack...

I remember praying
When I was a child
That God could take anything
Anything at all of mine from me
And my faith could get me through
But not my mind...
No, my mind defined me
I was nothing if I wasn’t smart
And in that moment
I knew exactly what
I needed taken away...

I wondered what you'd hear
If you strayed into my soul...
You would hear screaming
Passionate, anguished, fiery
You would hear my
BATTLE CRY
Because there's so much life
So much humanity
In the act of fighting
Against the cold, the death
Even on my darkest nights
All you would see is my spirit on fire
And you would hear my
BATTLE CRY

Procrastinated all day
So here we go...
Caffeine high
Music so loud
Laptop out
Calculator ready
Let do this.

Sipping bittersweet coffee
To drag me slowly
From my state
To motivate
The feeling growing
Heart pumping
Faster, harder
Brain less deadened
A little shaky
One more
Sounds just right...

I just want to sleep