It crept up on me
The darkness
Hit hard when it arrived
So it’s honesty hour.

I’m really unhappy.
I smile so they don’t know.
Nothing’s really wrong
But I’m haunted by unresolved pain
I just want to hurt.

But I also want to run.
I’m so **** tired of this
Of being good
Day after day
Putting in all this effort
I don’t get a break

I want a vice.
I want to pump my body with something
I really don’t care what
But I want to feel it everywhere
Light up all my senses
Or maybe something to sedate me
I don’t care.
I just can’t take this
Never had access to anything
And I’m a bit angry at that
But I’m pretty certain
I don’t want to be sober.

Maybe a pleasure would suffice
Defile myself
Remorse and bliss intertwined
Feel a rush
First dopamine
Next guilt and hatred

I would kinda like
To open my wrist up
I wish it didn’t matter
I wish no one would care
So I could just fall
Deep into darkness
Never to return
With no consequence

Let me twist myself
Into a tragedy

You make my heart soar
Wild, warm, blissful
You excite me
To unrivaled levels
My brain can’t think
I’m at a loss for words
And I love it
I love you
You have this power over me
You can twist and **** at my heart
You could control me
And I would trust you to
Because you’re wonderful
You’re good for me
I can’t believe I have you in my life
I just want to hold you

Apathy is rather dangerous
Isn’t it?
I just don’t care.
Not sure I want to care
I could do anything
Because it wouldn’t matter
If you don’t worry about others
You can do whatever you please
Danger, warnings, signs
Utterly meaningless!
Feels rather free.....
When emotion dies
When your chest grows cold
Heartbeat sickeningly steady
Breaths a bit too even

Do I run to pleasure?
Find myself a lovely vice
Intoxicating, sensual, invigorating
To awaken my spirit

Perhaps pain will do
Play with the little silver toy
The one with the sharp tip
Jarring and thrilling

Take some risks
Cause why the hell not?
Shock loved ones
Laugh at their concern for you

When the heart turns to stone
Anything, everything
Is fair game

So, what shall I do with mine tonight?

Cold apathy
Deadened
Numb
Trying to agitate the senses
Rekindle the flame
But by poor choice
I’m worse feeling...
I don’t want to come back
I shut down for a reason
And I’m finding
More and more reasons
Piling up
Encouraging the apathy
It would seem
I must feel far too much
Or nothing at all

You won two battles
And had the audacity to think you might win the war?
Ha! How terribly foolish of you, my nemesis!
I am still here.
I am still fighting.

So, onward I march
Even if all I do is breathe
I will resist
As you try to land your blows
As I hear your voice in my ear

Even when the march
Becomes a weary stagger
You will not best me
I will always get back up
When you beat me down

Some battles I will surely lose
Many already lost...
But not tonight

This victory is mine.

It's not much,
But I won.

I give you all

EVERYTHING

Your lips offer gratitude
But then why is it
That your actions
ALL OF THEM
Make it clear
I am not a priority
To... anyone actually
You all USE ME
And I like it
I want to be helpful
I want to be kind

SO YOU ALL

YOU USE ME

To your selfish ends
And at the end of the day
I look back
Feeling no affection
No warmth
No love
No kindness
I’ve been taken advantage of
Over and over again
So I sleep here alone
Wondering if I’ll ever be content
Because I’m SO **** NICE
So.... so you use me....
You never give back....
So I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I TRY HARDER!!!!

And you all
You know I require no payment
So I pour myself out for you
And you take it all
Leaving me alone
Weeping
Broken
Empty

I just need someone
If just one could...
Could you maybe?
Just hold me for a while
Let my tears roll into your chest
Repeat to me
Everything I’ve never heard
Could you just....
Say something
To make me feel
Even if only for a moment
That I am worth
Taking up space in this world

tw: self harm


i can't even think
what happened
what did you do
why?
well....
you know why...
you've been curious
you've been craving....

you just had to see it
didn't you
some mark of tragedy
because they all forgot...
they don't know what you've been through

arrughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I JUST WANT TO TEAR IT OPEN
SLIDE THE SILVER DOWN MY ARM
WATCH ME BLEED
I WANT IT
PLEASE!!!

LET ME HAVE IT...

No. You must show restraint

I'M ALWAYS RESTRAINED
LET ME HAVE THIS!!!

You cannot do this. You know it.
They'll notice. You don't want that.
It's not for them anyway.
It's for you.

please.... just let me bleed

the motion of the blade is calming
repetition so as to not go too deep
i want to play out what i do in my mind
right through the center
where the skin is most fragile
a long, smooth stroke
from wrist to elbow
a laceration

LACERATE ME
PROVE YOU'VE FELT PAIN

and anyway
so far it's my most proven method
of shutting off my mind for a bit
can't think
just a blade and a victim
please.... i want more....

Let me lose my mind
I don’t want to think
I don’t want to wonder
I don’t want to question

THIS IS TORTURE
THIS IS MADNESS

Why do I feel so trapped
Enslaved by my thoughts
I just want to slow down
I don’t want to be coherent

I just want out

GET.            ME.             OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m just...
I’m just so tired of fighting
Day after endless day
Fighting dangerous thoughts
Keeping myself alive

I’m not strong enough for this
Even if I were
No one wants to be strong all the time

YOU HAVE TO LET ME REST

But there is no rest for me, is there?
You all have your methods
All sorts of pleasures and vices
Which you hold out of reach
“For your well-being”

DO I SEEM WELL TO YOU???

Why are you so sad, dear?
What burdens tug on your heart?
Draw tears from your kind eyes...

STOP
NO!!!!

Why are you aching?
I can feel it in my soul

YOU KNOW NOTHING OF ME

You’re not well, my love

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!!!!!

Come here
I’ll hold you for a bit

GET AWAY

Wrap you in a warm embrace
Feel the consistency of my heart
Feel the strength in my arms

I DON’T WANT YOUR AFFECTION
I DON’T DESERVE IT
YOU WRAP ME IN YOUR

HIDEOUS

PITY

Let me carry it all for a stretch
You don’t have to do it all alone

OF COURSE I DO
YOU KNOW I DO
I AALLWWAAYYSS DO

Though I know you can, my warrior

YOU IDIOT!

But I can't watch you do this
Destroy yourself

WHY THE HELL NOT???

Slowly, subtly
I've noticed

DEAR, I WANT THIS!
LET ME GO

And it makes me very afraid

STOP PRETENDING YOU CARE
I KNOW BETTER

Despite what you believe, darling
You are really quite lovely

YOU BREATHE LIES

Your presence a treasure

STOP. NOW.

You are exquisite

YOU ******* LIAR

Sweetheart, just rest for a bit
Can you do that for me?

NO. I DON’T WANT REST

I WANT TO

BURN!!!

Sit with me
Tell me everything on your mind
Release every tear you've been hiding
I'll just listen
I'll just be here with you
Until you're alright

YOU FOOL
I HAVE NO PLANS
TO EVER REACH
“ALRIGHT”

can't sleep because my thoughts won't cease
can't relax because i feel lazy
can't act because i can’t decide
can't eat because i'm already fat
can't starve because i'm addicted
can't escape because i have no means
can't move because my mind is so loud
can't bleed because they might notice
can't breathe because i don't want to go on
can't die because of what i'd leave behind
can't be content because i'm unhealthy in every sense
can't improve myself because i'm really not worth it

Why are you so sad, dear?
What burdens tug on your heart?
Draw tears from your kind eyes...
Why are you aching?
I can feel it in my soul

You’re not well, my love
Come here
I’ll hold you for a bit
Wrap you in a warm embrace
Feel the consistency of my heart
Feel the strength in my arms
Let me carry it all for a stretch
You don’t have to do it all alone

Though I know you can, my warrior

But I can't watch you do this
Destroy yourself
Slowly, subtly
I've noticed
And it makes me very afraid

Despite what you believe, darling
You are really quite lovely
Your presence a treasure

You are exquisite

Sweetheart, just rest for a bit
Can you do that for me?
Sit with me
Tell me everything on your mind
Release every tear you've been hiding
I'll just listen
I'll just be here with you
Until you're alright

Whispers in the back of my head
With each word
The demons drag
A blade across my flesh
Just a tease... for now
A threat
So I turn up the volume a bit
Try to drown them out
Busy myself
Lose myself
They raise their voices
Louder.
Drums banging in my ears
They match it
LOUDER

THEY SCREAM OVER IT ALL!
SCREAMINGSCREAMINGSCREAMING

I want to fight
But you make me weak
I’m trying....
But they’re too powerful
Too strong
Do I really have no other choice
Than to sit through this agony?
And pretend I can drown them out?

i want to shut down
i want to stop
CEASE
i have to get out....
OUT OF THIS

THIS ISNT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN ANYMORE

HAVE I FAILED???

WHAT DID I DO???

i don't want to tell them...
tell them my symptoms...
because it’s really rather private
why should they get to know??
I DONT WANT YOU TO NUMB ME
and I kinda think... maybe
if i could just shut down
just walk away for a bit
maybe i would be okay
maybe it would all just

go away...

What’s it like
To be young and wild
Carefree and a bit reckless
What’s it like to have friends
To party on weekends
To have relationships
Maybe a fling
What’s it like to be normal
Are you all happy like you seem
Because I seem to be dying slowly
And I’m upset with you all
I’m ANGRY
Because you never asked
Never wondered
If maybe
I wanted to be normal too
You just assumed
I was quiet and independent
I wouldn’t want in
Maybe I didn’t
But I do now
Now that I’ve pushed you out of my reach
I tell people how little I really do
They give me sad looks
But never reach out
I’m really rather unhappy
Because it would seem
All chance of happiness
Even just normalcy
Is kept out of my reach

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting, suicidal thoughts


I have no patience for poetry tonight
Though desperately I require its release
I can't think up metaphors
Clever phrases to express

THAT I AM NOT ALWAYS OKAY
THAT SOMETIMES I WANT TO FEEL PAIN
bring me to reality                  punish me                   i want to bleed...
THAT SOMETIMES I WANT TO DIE
i can't take this....            i can't live like this          i'm so desperate
THAT SOMETIMES I WANT TO DEFILE MYSELF
why the hell not              i'm worthless anyway        ******* hideous
THAT SOMETIMES I WANT TO ABUSE MEDICATION
what'll it do?                  you could get away....              induce a smile

I DON'T EVEN ******* GET IT
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
what is wrong with ME??

I JUST WANT SO DESPERATELY TO ACT OUT
I'M CRAVING A SWEET ESCAPE!
W H E R E   I S    M Y    E S C A P E????????????????????????????

T  E  L  L     M  E  !  !  !  !  !

I feel the storm rolling in...
Dark, swirling, MASSIVE

terrible

Lightning crackles within
Neurotic energy of the storm
Painful and powerful

In my chest,
In my stomach
The press
                 ure
                         bui
                                lds

Can’t get comfortable
Can’t stop thinking
CAN’T STOP THINKING

I want to

SCREAM IT OUT

EXPEL IT

BANISH IT

if only it were that simple...

SHUT UP YOU ALL!!!!

There’s so much.....
           too many......            it’s so loud....
Can’t think
Can’t breathe
Can’t see
Can’t FEEL

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!IT’S TOO ******* LOUD!!!!!!

shadows cloud the deep crevices of my mind
begging for their evil to be carried out
their very presence causes pain
a constant droning in my heart
as i try to ignore them
to stand my ground
they tighten their grip
and unsheathe their swords

some days i can raise my shield
but here's the thing.
One can only hold up a shield so long
One can only withstand so many BLOWS
GET OUT OF MY HEAD
please... get out.........................
God, I'm feeling   w      e
                                                    a   ­                                     
                           ­                                       k
Take the pain AWAY

.......

or..... if you could at least let me access.....

......something..........            anything.......­............

    A        N          Y           T         H            I                N             G   !!!!!!!

././.',/,<~>?~?:;,,',;\];',./,/,/,'./,./,:::.,,;'''['[]\'\'\']'',.,.']][""--;-'';''
;''';t..o.;'.';.'­;q;'.u./i./e../t'.[\'[;./a/.l./l.;[;''t;'.h'i'.,s..,./.';<::"{;;'[]]'\
\-D-'.A';,;,M./,/.,'N;,''','','',',,'N~:"~<~",;O',',';'I/^^*><S>><>/';']]E[]/.
./,w/.'h';';a''{[]t[_-s--';'',,,./'';'];]\r[::,'...e/,,';][][a][]'l.','.,'.>><,.'/.,',.]{{/',/',',)(@>~?.,,';,';';';';"";,.,/./,';.][]{{}}'\']]..'./.,/><<;'';[[==c--##!!:A./,/.,;'][[>?.;'n;.[][''[']y][.//.<<o<>[^^';.u.,'/';;\]['./H,//E++.A,'.,';R';[][..,/.M/,)=E''.//./.,';'./.,>::"<:*'[--=>?~<<';,';$/,';,;.'.

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting, suicidal thoughts


sometimes my mind falls ill
twists and warps my thoughts
lets all the demons in freely
to ransack my sanity

somewhere in the chaos
in the  
               !!!!!!!!!!!   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    !  ! !!   !      !  !D!E!A!F!E!N!I!N!G!!!­N!O!I!S!E!    !     !   !!   !   !!   !!!    !
!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there's a whisper of a thought...
it's not kind...
it craves pain...
it flirts with death...

it is this voice that makes me wonder
if it wouldn't be better if i were bleeding
or maybe if i were starving
or maybe if i were high

it makes me want to abuse myself
to punish, to torture
to remember i'm alive
to excite me

all i want is destruction

defile                  abuse                    tor­ture                  harm

"you deserve this....."
                                         "don't you want to see the damage?"

        "your heart will race.... adrenaline in your veins......"

                           "brand yourself with the marks of suffering..."

"make yourself sick......."
                                                  "i­ know you've been curious."

            "make the pain real."
                                                          ­  "enjoy it."

i must control the voices
else they get too loud...
and as they grow in power
i quickly desire to be terribly abusive
to DESTROY MY BODY
because this....
               this disgusting flesh...
really shouldn't exist

Here... lemme just prop myself up
Lean on my crutches
Force myself to my feet
Agitate my nervous system
So I can stay awake
Maybe I’ll feel a bit alive
I’ll stumble forward
Go about the motions clumsily
Stagger through the hours
Because though I’m terribly weary
Mind, body, heart, and soul...
I have to make myself
Get up
And pretend
I care about my obligations

Lull me to sleep
Make me drowsy
Sedate me
I want to feel my limbs relax
My breaths grow slow and even
Heart rate dropping slightly
Fill my eyelids with lead
Induce a deep slumber
To quiet the noise
The turmoil in my mind
Take from me my consciousness
I desperately need
To rid myself of it

It doesn’t take long
It doesn’t take much
Simply an idle moment
A single flicker of thought
And it’s on my mind
Hatred
Loathing
Directed within
Then in the pain
The desires start...
For escape
For pleasure
For punishment
For intoxication
For blood
For sin
Maybe I need it
Maybe I deserve it
Maybe I want it
Maybe I crave it...
So I distract myself
Until it’s late enough to sleep
I can retreat to the dark
Behind my eyelids
Where I can’t feel pain

I feel
                    so
                                  ALI­VE


It’s been a while
Never felt so...

                         so human.
                              real.

Living for a thrill
                                         maybe it’s cheap
whatever.


I’ve found this place
This sweet spot
Between

Me                          and.....               ­         her.

Where I kindle her fire
Let its warm glow fill me
But retain my control
It’s lovely
Quite thrilling
Finally.
I am

ALIVE

No... it can’t be
I’m not supposed to....
It’s been so long....
I thought I never would again
I thought I was too broken
But here I am
Could it possibly be...?
Just for today
Just for a while
Did I actually allow myself
To be


....happy...?

I think my mind is in pain
But it can’t quite tell my body
My thoughts hurt
They twist and writhe
And only through the seductive darkness
Of my tormented mind
I am made aware
That I’m not quite alright

I can always tell when my mind is sick
Because it’s in these times
That I cease to desire
To ever get better

Just... just leave the pieces where they lie
The shattered remnants of who I was
Of who I was going to be
Who I was supposed to be
Haha but that would assume
I have someone trying to pick the pieces up
But this is not so.
Rather, I wave flags and fire flares
And they.... they smile and ask about my day

I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

WHY DON’T WE TALK ABOUT THE NIGHT

THE NIGHT I THOUGHT ABOUT DEATH

So if you even notice at all
Just leave me the hell alone
You don’t deserve to see me raw
Just wait outside until my mascara is done
My face is made, my hair is brushed
Because that’s all you deserve to see.

I think that perhaps
If there was someone who wanted to listen
Someone who cared to stay close
To sit and hold me when it hurts
I think if I had someone like this
Maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much....

Fireworks crackle on the streets
Seems fitting to celebrate this way
As we watch the world burn

Alright, you did it.
You survived.
But once again, it was by shoving all your emotions down so deep
You don't even know where to find them,
And now you're feeling drained, bored.
You want them to come out and play, don't you???
But now it's all fake.
It's too late.
But you acted respectably... mostly...
So you did well.
Now, you get to deal with all the **** you tried to hide.
Great job.
This is much better.
I can't imagine why you feel dead inside.
I can't imagine why you'd wanna die.

F         a     d                  e                     m        e

           i   n                   a                   n     d           o    u                   t

o    f                       r      e           a   l  i                   t        y . .      .

I wanna l
                  e
                     t
                                            
                       g          
                       o  
                                
Of this world                          ...........                     of this life......

I WANNA FEEL

                  A           L                I             V                     E
                      A           L                I             V                     E
                A           L                I             V                     E
               A           L                I             V                     E
                         A           L                I             V                     E  .    .     .     ?

Let all praise rise to the Almighty!
He who looked upon me
This broken soul
This cacophonous mind
And wanted it...?
In this desperate, evil state
Down from glory, perfection
He stoops low
To reach into my vile spirit
My craving for rebellion
My lust for escape
My destructive habits
His heart is so soft...
He reaches to me
He holds me through the night
And strengthens me to rise with the sun
So, I repeat:
Let all praise rise!
Let it rise to my Savior!
Let it rise to the only reason I’m alive.

I am a wounded animal
I will lash out
So, please, get away from me
I don’t want you to become
My next target

You know what’d be really cool
If someone got close to me
Like... really all the way close
And they made me feel
Necessary
Desired
Irreplaceable
Yeah... that’d be cool...

I saw beauty today
In the rusty soil
Vast forests
Mountain after mountain
Until I was surrounded
Then I laid in the sun
Allowed it to caress my skin
Closed my eyes
And I listened
The water flowing gently
Peaceful
The wind blew
It wrapped around me
Throwing bits of hair around
And then it was still
I was still
And it was in that place
I once again opened my eyes
And I saw beauty

You think I’m kind
Don’t you?
I’m really not
But I’ll set the record straight
I’ll show you the ugliness
I’ll treat you like I treat myself
You’ll get it
You’ll hate me too
Just like I want you to

Ahh see here’s the problem

The darkness is very unclear

I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT

I’m tired of fighting...

Ready for a period of weakness

But that’s your cruelty.

You exhaust me when I have no means of rest

No escape.

I’m ready to give in to you

I’m ready to surrender...

But you won’t let me

Make me beg for a vice

But withhold them all

Just take your **** victory

And get the hell out of my head

I was fighting
But I made too many mistakes
Gave in too many times
Indulged too much...
I can feel the shadows
Creeping into my mind...
Hahahahaha...
They’re starting to feel at home
Comfortable...
Twisting my desires
It’s alright...
I’m tired anyway
I feel like it’s time
To relinquish control........

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting


Would you.... would you just....
Slide a delicate blade
Into my soft flesh
Then twist it slowly
It would hurt... wouldn’t it?
Please...?
Would you?
For me?
Because I’m not feeling well
And I can’t release it right now
So it’s festering, enlarging
The urge is so powerful...
I’d like it to hurt...
Not too bad...
Just enough...

ANGUISHED
******* broken
Y’all won’t see
Cause I’ll hide it well
But I did it again
It was good for a bit
Euphoric even
But now my head....
Ugh... that pounding...
I tried to escape....
I failed.
Now I’m back.
Something’s wrong....
WHY AM I WRONG??

Why do I feel
That even on my good days
Something is wrong?
Something aches terribly?
Perhaps if I couldn’t feel
The looming shadows of my past
Threats for my future
All this damage...
It just sits in the back of my mind
It chatters and buzzes
A droning white noise
A constant reminder
That I was not okay
That I may not be okay
That I can’t trust myself
That I can’t trust my mind
And it makes anything
Literally anything at all
That could quiet the noise
Just for a little while...
Sound so tempting
The mere thought makes me weak
If it’s reckless, even better.
If it hurts, I deserve it.
Please, just stop the white noise....