finally
weakness.
the energy expelled
fatigue in my heart
exhaustion in my mind
lethargy in my body
now to enjoy the aftermath
something old stirs
memories... desires
just sleep
you’re done fighting for now
you’ve done enough
it’s time to rest
time to rebuild
enjoy the feeling
of defenses broken down
just like you wanted
to allow yourself to be weak

C’mon
Why do I have to suffer
Why don’t I get a vice
Why don’t I get to stumble
Why won’t you let me fall
Why can’t I show weakness
Why can’t I indulge
Why can’t I break a rule or two
Why can’t I get into some trouble
Why can’t I be bad
Just let me do something bad
Let me break the rules
Just do something for fun
Something that feels good
Because right now everything hurts
And it would seem everyone else
They all get to be weak for a bit
Everyone else can stumble
Oh, but not me
No, not the perfect one
She wouldn’t do that
No, never
She doesn’t have desires
She doesn’t lust
She doesn’t crave escape
She doesn’t want to have fun
She doesn’t want to be happy
BECAUSE YOU
YOU TAUGHT ME
TO FOLLOW RULES
But now I’m suffocating
The weight on my back is heavy
I’m getting weak
But that can’t happen
No, she’s perfect
She doesn’t get weak
She always does right
She’s always virtuous
She never would do that

Haha
But you know what?
I’m ******* human, dear ones
I need people around me
I cannot survive alone
I’d like to have ***
Yeah, I’ve done it alone
I would love to get high
Yes, I would actually like a drink
In fact, I’d like to be very drunk
I connect with that dark music
The kind that screams about torment
I’ve sliced my own skin
I’ve thought about dying
Yeah... at my own hand

Right... but I can’t, can I?
Can’t indulge, can’t go dark
Because you’ve trained me
You’ve programmed me
There is always a fear response
You are responsible
You are why I’m like this
You are why I don’t have friends
You are why I’m not like them
You are why I can’t enjoy anything

I’m so ******* done with this
Being “strong”
Whatever the hell that means
I just wanna be normal
I’m done.
I’m so ******* done.

I’m not perfect
Stop making me out to be
You just make me want
To watch myself
Fall from grace

i
want
out
of
this
reality

all the voices so ******* loud
                                                           ­                  opinions
orders                                                  ­                            
                           urges
compulsions                          
                     ­                                                             idea­s
temptations                                                    ­                    
            desires
arguments               ­             

the thick, dark cloud in my mind
wants me to cry
wants to see me bleed
precision pressure
it knows what to do

STOP.

I CAN'T                 I CAN'T                I CAN'T
I CAN'T     I CAN'T                                             I CAN'T
                                  I CAN'T                       I CAN'T
I CAN'T        I CAN'T         I CAN'T I CAN'T


I CAN'T MAKE THEM STOP!!!!!!
THEY WON'T GO AWAY

GET
THEM

O U T!!!

GETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUT


GET! THEM! OUT!

OF MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't think
I can't feel
I can't move
Can't act
think
feel
move
act
feel
think....
think.

think...


it hurts

that's all that's there

just pain

please

someone

somehow

take it

I’m done
I’m tired
I’m through with this
All this false stability
Repression
I’m ready
The dam’s gonna break
The flood is imminent
I can’t stay wound this tight
I’m just waiting for something
Push me over the edge
Free my imprisoned mind
Release me from the chains
Just give me a night or two
Of havoc
Chaos
Torment
Just unhinge me

I wanted to be sad
To mourn for her
The young lady there...
Suffering.
She’s felt a lot of pain
Felt deep sorrow
Shouldered awful burdens
Experienced mortal terror
Over and over again
She didn’t know
If she wanted to continue


But I swallowed their solution
It saved me
I can’t complain
But now sleep is creeping in quickly
Won’t be keeping conscious long enough
To sit and be kind
To my self from last year

louder.

more.

Turn it up.

Louder.

LOUDER!!!


LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!! LOUDER!!!LOUDER!!!LOUDER!!!LOUDER!!!LOUDER!!!


and the realization sets in
that no matter how loud
no matter how much noise
how chaotic the sounds
how desperate the screams
how tragic the lyrics...
                                ..            ..       ­  ... .
                                                     . . . . .           .                     ...
                                .. ...           ... . . ..      .
...

i couldn't drown out
the voices torturing me
in my mind

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting, suicidal thoughts


Every ******* DAY

i'M fighting

for sanity
for safety
                              for... something...        .           ..    .

I. AM. TIRED.

just get the ******* voices

OUT

but what the **** am i supposed to do????
i have to keep ******* living
                   breathing... . ...        .. .

BECAUSE YOU ALL COULDN'T HANDLE IT


I JUST WANT TO GIVE UP
I JUST WANT TO GIVE UP
I JUST WANT TO GIVE UP
I JUST WANT TO GIVE UP
.        ...           .
.    ....            .. .. ..
. .    .    .. . . . . . . ..
                                                    i.... .. i just...  .. ........        . ...     . . . . . .. .  
i just want to give up.

I have the strength
To win this battle
So, I must.

But it's not what I want

I never get what I want!

I JUST WANT TO
BLEED\
              '
              .
            
          ­     .
            



               .

...'cause maybe.... ... . .. . .  just maybe.. . ...
it'll be enough
to appease the demons
just enough
to offer one night's peace

Tired of feeling exhausted
All the **** time.

Done feeling numb, empty
Every heartbeat void.

Well, it's legal... accessible...
It tastes pleasant...
It'll do the trick...
The kind of acceptable addiction
No need to hide
Flaunt it a bit
See if they care
Play it up
Show them

But don't forget to enjoy it, dear.
Feel your pulse in your wrists
s                                u     r                    g    i              n    g
c-c-c-c-ccount the dosage
80 mg..... 120 mg.... 300 mg..... 400 mg............
Hyyypppeeeerrrrr
HIGH


Where's that laugh been all this time?
Full of... joy....?
That smile cannot possibly be your own....
It's so....... pure.


And again here I am
Crashing from the high
Mild headache
Numbness returning
Depression invading

And you.
My neurotic shadow.
You creep back into my mind.
I hear the whispers of your familiar voice.
It makes me want to chase a different high.
One that'll leave a mark.

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting


Lately, restraint has been my enemy
Too controlled
Too obsessive
Too withdrawn

But tonight
It saved me

In my head for dayyyssss
Endless barrage of temptation

...the scar has nearly faded...                          ...what if you just.....

...what would it look like...              

do you remember the feeling?

do you remember the rush?

don't you deserve that?

relief?

I was looking forward to it
But I knew I shouldn't
I reached out
Sought help
Exercised
Restraint

And you know what?
It felt pretty good.

It hurts
Desperately
Deeply
That here I am
Nearly two decades in
And I have yet
To ever feel
A man’s touch
Not even so simple
As holding a hand
No... not for me...
Something about me
It’s inherently undesirable
It’s been made quite clear
That though I may be
Appreciated
Cared about
Admired
I'm not really wanted
Not like that anyway
Even though my heart is sick for it
It brings tears to my eyes...
The need is omnipresent
The desire for romantic affection
Everyone can obtain it
In some form or another
Except
For some reason
Me

C'mon, Sweetheart
Close your eyes
Get really cozy
Grab that fuzzy blanket
Maybe pet a dog
This part is important, now,
Breathe in, nice and slow
No rush, no hurry, no goal
Just breathe
And let it out
Gently
Good girl :)

Now, have you eaten?
I know you forget
Or just refuse
Regardless,
Let's get you something
Some water as well
Perhaps tea?
No more coffee, ***
Not this late at least

You're doing so well
Now, how about a shower?
Use your favorite soaps
So your skin is left scented
Clean and floral

Bedtime, Lovely
Alright?
Comfy pjs tonight
Light a candle for a bit
Put on some music
Just be.
It's really alright
You don't have to sleep
Not right away
Just take care of yourself, okay?
I'm here with you
We can do this.
We're going to be alright.

One in my system
One taken for tomorrow
But what about the three
Left in the bottle
Left in the drawer?
If one makes me like this
This feeling....
Peaceful
Calm
Quiet
Gentle, pleasant waves
Everything a bit blunted
Just a little numb...
If one does all this,
What about two?
Three? Four...?

Please
Take care of yourself
My dear...
You know there’s still a part of you
A very large portion actually
That still wants
To be alive

You like this
Don’t you?
w                      a

                      e           ­       k


                     n

                             e

            s


                                 s

••• — — — •••

You really will take anything
Anything at all
You want them to notice
Any of them
You really aren’t very picky...
Make yourself weak
Every action a

FL
AR
E
!!
!!
!!
!
.
.
.

.

.


.

!!!!!!!A DISTRESS BEACON!!!!!!!

••• — — — •••

Maybe
Maybe if I fall
If I stum
                bl

                                  e
Falt­er.............

••• — — — •••

Maybe if I skip meals
Maybe if I overwork myself
Maybe if I don’t sleep
Maybe if I seek intoxication
Maybe if I leave marks

••• — — — •••

When my actions are risky
When my body shakes
When my legs give out
When my mind goes hazy
When my forearm bleeds

••• — — — •••

You’ll notice.
Someone will.
Hope it’s someone good.

these are not my best days...

whatever the reason,
depression returned with vengeance
it numbed my mind, my flesh
noticed a little
medicate a little
medicate some more...
notice some more....
until i was tangled
lost in highs and lows
feeling everything and nothing

i didn't mind
something twisted in me enjoyed it
being ill
unable to care for myself quite properly
things started slipping
my tongue had no restraint
my stomach always empty
my mouth always dry
my limbs would tremble
my body would shake...

my mind grew slow
weak and feeble
that's all i really wanted...
pause this curse of thought
feel my sanity, my health
slowly drift away...

but when i was needed
i failed
i could not deliver
i could not heal
useless
i'd emptied myself out
precisely as i had wanted
and i was enjoying it
until you needed me
and i was too far gone

I feel content
Satisfied
Because
I treated myself poorly
Didn’t eat
Hmm... 450mg caffeine??
Didn’t rest
Strained
Stressed
Idk maybe a glass of water?
Made myself ill
It was nice
To let my fingers twitch
My limbs tremble
Mental capacity fading
Alert but fuzzy
Can’t sleep
Cause I’m overstimulated still
And all I want
Is to do it again
Because it left me
Darkly satisfied

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting



Now that it's been done before
It would be so easy....
You know how...
You could do more....
Anywhere you like, my dear,
I'll guide you.
Let me offer a reminder
Of what I can do for you


I don't want to listen to you
Oh..... but I really do...
I remember what you offer
I would love more...
I'm growing weary
I'M TIRED OF BEING STRONG
                 i just want to give in .    .           .


My darling, I know
You've had to be so terribly strong
Just be weak with me for a moment
Worry about it later
I'll let you control, if you like
There doesn't have to be so much damage
You can keep it small
I'll allow you to lead


I know you're lying
I know you're trying to persuade me
You'll seize any control I offer
And RUIN ME

.        .                .             .               .         .              . .                .

However,
I want a bit of damage
I EARNED MY BATTLE SCARS
why can't they see them.......


C'mon, sweetie,
Together then.
It sounds like you've made up your mind
You deserve this.
Every. Last. Bit.
You deserve the pain
You deserve the release
You deserve the scars
You've earned it, my dear.
So how about it?
Let me guide your hand...

Littered in scars
Marks of carelessness
Of stupidity
Of childhood
Of accidents
But you.....
My tiny pink line
Fading already...
You seem so eager to leave me...
Only about a centimeter long
Small and delicate
I put you there.
I remember well
kinda...
You mean something to me
I’m not quite sure what yet
But I think
That of them all
You are my favorite
I want to preserve you
I’m begging you not to disappear
You’re far too important
And if it comes to it,
I will ensure you remain.