She’s the kind of girl
who will play a sad song
when things are going well

when she is finally happy and settled in her skin

because she needs to remember
the sting of tears falling down her cheeks,
and the bitter blows to her heart

just in case

(just in case)

he’s another act in a tragedy
that even Shakespeare would never
have been able to conceive

I count on my fingers
the times you’ve made my heart
STOP

a kiss on rain drenched streets,
soaked to the skin and shivering
into each other’s lips

a fickle finger stroke down my spine,
bones shaking with longing

this wild eyed love that they said
would never last

and yet,
we are here

at the start of something more
than lust and lunacy

more than cliched movie snap shots
more than the weight of two hearts,
separately

we are becoming
a combined mass, forever

We stare, transfixed,
as the river sweeps our pebble ripples

further and further
away from the centre,
where the stone heart fell

like I fell for you, that day
under golden Autumn trees,
kisses as leaves crunched beneath our feet

yet now, a simple pebble is all it takes
for our lives to grow

further and further
apart

our nights are sprang sharing cigarettes

and drinking cheap, neat *****,
straight out the bottle

until the stars start to swirl
in mesmerising patterns

that keep us transfixed till the sun rises
and the new day beckons with endless possibilities

for lovers who have lost their footing
in this world

sea sick from its spin

desperate to belong to more than
each other

desperate to be part of something
bigger

than our swelled hearts, bursting with promises
of forever, and ever, and ever

You told me once that everyone
has a heart that

bleeds

yet, if you’re lucky,
you will find arms that wrap around you

acting like tourniquets

to stem the flow, so that you do not bleed

to death

I taste the black plum of your heart

I get drunk off the juice of your

lifeblood

lips stained purple as we kiss

sweet and warm and deep

as wild and wicked and the seas

I fear I am now sailing

there is no going back, now

the skin of you is in my teeth

and there is nothing but chaos ahead

yet I will ride it, my darling

I will clutch your hand like no one has before

and steer this ship to land

I see the light in your eyes

f a d i n g

and guilt crawls inside me as if it

has hands

to grasp at my heart and

t w i s t

until I bleed no more

and shame melts off me, and floats

like flotsam

in an endless stream of

h a t e

you trick my senses

into believing you are here

when really

we have never been so far

apart

curled around the coldest nights -

with cigarettes and cheap whiskey
to offset the dreams that scream
until my ears bleed

my only regret is not gazing

longer

into the perilous ocean of your eyes,

if you dared let me in,

I could have been,
should have been,
would have been,

whole with you

glass clouds gather

and I can see straight through

the sky

straight to the core of

the sun

straight to the centre

of you

we lay on a damp patch of grass on the hill,
as close as we can get to touching the sky

we’ve set our 90’s plastic all digital watches
and we are waiting for the

stars to open their centres and

breathe

magic into our souls

just one kiss that leaves a trace of stardust

on my lips

this is not our last chance
but the calendar is flicking fast
and one day soon
it will be

so let’s have one night of magic and madness
dancing barefoot under moonbeams

because tomorrow may come, but it won’t be sprinkled in stardust

like you and I are, tonight

I drunk love you,

when my eyes are blurred by beer
and your face is out of focus,

I drunk love you,

with the burning urge to bare my soul
to you at 1am, by text,

I drunk love you because
it’s numb love,

I can say what I want to you,
and not remember it in the morning,

take your mouth into mine
whilst waiting for a cab

and forget the taste of your lips
as soon as it drives away,

I drunk love you,

because the steel bars surrounding
my heart keep you out

the ones that soften and give way
when faced with sober love

We dive
headfirst

into the abyss
of each other’s

hearts

hoping to find a spark
that life can grow from

hoping the find fractures
of love

that we can build a home
from

but all is darkness and doubt
neither trusting the other as friend

they would rather implode
into nothingness

than take the leap of love’s
faith

A kiss that stitched my lips

A touch that burnt and bruised

A fist that shattered my faith

My hope ground to dust

I put all my trust in a

Devil

So I’ll take the life you took from

Me

On my own terms this time

How can I run from your ghost

Time blurs my memories until I don’t even know

Myself

I invite you into the room of fire and Hell

That will stay in the corner of my mind

Until the day I die

My hearts skips beats

aching for the days that were

carefree and frivolous

when my smile was genuine and my eyes

sparkled with life

I know there is no going back

that the journey of life does not come with

a rewind button, or even a pause

to take in the evening air

and breathe the sunset into my lungs

so that I may expel beautiful colours

come morning

whispering ghosts keep me up at night

begging for me to join their chorus

not knowing that I am meant to be

solid flesh and bone

for wolves to devour

in their manic blood thirst

hunger for fresh meat

I am meant to die

at the hands of wild things

as I have lived

myself

I wake with a start at 4am
the weight of my past in my heart

I long to destroy -
cause destruction and chaos
to echo what they did to me

but I never do

I just sit behind another cigarette
watching the smoke twirl
and travel towards to sky

and I am jealous

for I wish to be as light and free
and spontaneous

as a smoke ring

Heart bursting

like spring blooms

I am not sentimental

but your touch is the Devil’s finger

your lips, soaked in Holy Wine

and when they meet mine

I believe in a God I have denied

with all my heart

now bursting with life

Into the heart of you
is my journey

my map - a maze or arteries and veins

love is my compass

I bite my lips to taste blood,
so that I may know what I am
travelling through

my destination only to see you smile
one last time

one last sneering grin
that used to irritate the Hell out of me

only it doesn’t, now

forever is lie,
built on the idea that we will live

forever

now is a promise,
built on the knowledge that we

will not

Ants
crawl over my skin
at night

biting into my flesh
******* blood until I am lying

pale and motionless
too weak to reach out a hand

yet, who would help me?

no one came, then
why would they now

they would rather see me smothered
by invisible hands
thighs left bruised by invisible fingers

too ashamed to speak it’s name
too ashamed to look

all you have the guts to do is
turn your face away
and pray

“Please, next time God, not me…”

There can be no absolution
for the things I’ve done

yet you do not talk of revenge or retribution

you forgive, too easily
(or maybe I believe, too easily)

lulled into a false sense of security

maybe I will pay one day
offer a vial of my blood to a faceless God

break my bones down
until they are a pile of dust

dust that you can scatter, like ashes
pretending I was good once, kind, considerate

a girl a million miles away for the one
wielding the knife over your best friend’s heart

yes, there were mitigating circumstances
but very few victims actually **** their ******

I mean, that’s wrong. They all should, really,
and get away with it.

because people like that have given up
their right to live

**** is ****** in a way,
except you wake up…

to **** these animals is self defence,
reclaiming, asserting yourself that
you will NOT be a ******* victim

that there can be only one survivor in this
and that’s you

I took your strawberry jam secrets
into my mouth,
and let their sweetness rot my teeth

sugar stained lips, a lingering kiss,

I’d burn bridges for you,
without a glance over my shoulder,

walk hot coals, and relish the blisters,

but letting your strawberry jam secrets
swirl on my tongue

is perhaps the greatest way that I can say

“I’m here for you, darling.”

You wore a ring on every finger

and I wondered how it felt
in summer, when your fingers swelled

precious metals digging into your flesh

and I thought that

maybe it was a punishment
for the ring you no longer wore

maybe he is the fire of the sun
burning the skin of your fingers,

the spot that was pale white for so long

so that you never forget

The cavities of my heart

fill

at the touch of your mercury fingers

years of decay are repaired

by the amalgamation
of sweet whispers and fierce flesh

strokes

writing your name on my back

claiming me as your

protected

Your hands

reaching towards me in the morning

a sculpture Michelangelo

casted from beyond

the grave

we are creatures of habit,
using the same coffee cups,
and sharing the same broken dreams
in the morning

you’ve smoked the same brand of cigarettes
for five years,
and their traces linger on my flesh
like fingerprints

routines keep us safe, you say,
but I don’t want to be safe

I want to be wild,
running barefoot under the moon

I want to be reckless,
dancing with you in a thunderstorm

I want to be passionate,
to kiss you for longer than you
can hold your breath

to **** you with a longing that’s been burning
for five years

to kiss the very life out of you

Crimson light -

spin me sideways and
around the bends
that are the journey
of life

this path that I must walk
compass buried deep in my veins

lead me from love that is conditional
and into the centre of a heart that melts
in the morning

above all, shower me in moon dust
so that I may feel I’ve walked the craters
that are the surface of my soul

praise me
for I am a woman of wonderment
ever walking, never stopping

breath in
breath out

destination irrelevant to the holes in my shoes
that are the battle scars it took for me

to reach it

I learn from the love letters

I find hidden under the floorboards
of an ancient house

the paper yellowed, ink faded, but still…
fierce traces of passion and longing trapped
in their pages

they teach me fidelity,
when it is the last thing I want to know

they teach me kindness,
when cruelty is the mistress of my heart

they teach me that love can survive overwhelming odds

and so when I fold them up up and replace them
knowing I shall probably be the last to hold
these letters, that speak of beautiful courage
and compassion

I walk out of that ruined house,
whole and healed

ready to open my heart
to love

sweet whispers of nothingness

in the midnight blue chasm of my heart

I reach out for you -

fingers contorted with rage and wonder

gasping for that final touch

that you have denied me

“Don’t leave things like this.”

You said,

but you don’t get to choose anymore

your black rose soul that kept me
transfixed for so long

your deep ocean blue enchanting eyes
that told stories as old as the seas
with just a concentrated stare through me

well, those spells have broken
and I will leave you how I like

I could do it in ashes and glass, if I wanted
but I just want to quietly exit, stage left
and leave the petty performance you call love

Rising from the dead lilies
of your forgiveness

blood on my knees and mud in my hair

the eery calm of plucked daffodils

yellow stains on my fingers
that I can’t remember where they came from

except the shower of petals at my feet
giving away my crime

I do not forgive you

I want to destroy your peony soul
with acid rain

I am bitter like the month of February

biting frost
chilling wind
freezing rain

I am all extremes
and you can eat the dirt of your sorry

Fear Him, they said,
fear for your mortal soul,

but fire is the Devil’s only weapon,
and I do not fear it,

for I have built my home out of flames,
warmed my feet against the bricks
in the deep months of winter,

struck matches against my skin
to see if I could withstand the agony

of being burnt,

and now I know, I can.

so I wrap my fingers round his horns,
and invite him to tea,

for I do not fear that,
which cannot hurt me

The ocean roars around us

and in it I hear the call of the deity
who sent you to me

begging me to trust you beyond
trust’s breaking point

emplourinig me to take your hand in mine
and twist our fingers into patters
to shadow against the midnight sky

and I will, I will, hold on

let the waves crash at our bare feet
and walk away from this beach,
entwined in your spine

believing
believing
believing

in the Goddess of you

reject the peace offering

if in your heart you demand
bare bones, raw and reckless love

if you want their eyes to bleed
with red hot passion

when they gaze into yours

if you want their fingers to burn
when they touch you

because you, my darling, are on fire

reject the peace offering
if chaotic love sits easier in your soul

Autumn came
and swept away the debris
that was clinging to my heart

making space for the roots of winter
that will test its resolve

in bitter frosts and pines

but ultimately -
the space is made for Spring blooms

daffodils and peonies

that will hold its hand and teach it
how to love again

your weak breath tickles my ear,
with fading heat, like a September afternoon,

and I hate myself just as much as you hate me,

for my greed and loyalty to the cards,
instead of the stars that were your eyes,

but your heart was impenetrable, always,
like Everest or the Atlantic Ocean,

I could not get close enough to touch it
and make it mine,

close enough to make you mine,

so hate me, and I’ll hate myself,
but I’ll know my faults wondering
if you’ll ever accept yours

in return

speaking softly on rocks

that cut our thighs through our jeans

the contrast not going unnoticed

but this is how it is for us, always

a painful contradiction of love and hate

in the same breath

a swelling heart, deflating in a second

but we would not be lovers

if love was a straight line

(anyway)

I tattoo your name on my arm

as if I am scared that time may
erase it from my memory

as if flesh speaks louder
than a heart that beats

to the rhythm of fractured souls

your name -
I will bury in my skin forever

long after you have forgotten
how to form the sound of mine

I have been waiting for my demons to
mould themselves around your heart

to sink their teeth into your soul

so that you may bliss me with the kind of absolution I have been craving

since before I was old enough to drink

but I have learnt that shedding my scarred skin
so that it may become your

skin

is not only selfish of me
but will also strip me to the bare bones

shaking spine and clavicle

so that there will ultimately be nothing left of me
to see

your eyes speak of dreams
that were abandoned

and as my fingers wrap around yours

I want to inject old passions into your blood

so that the fire you lost along the way
is rekindled

I want to be the flame that sets alight
those long forgotten hopes

I saw in you
all the phases of
the moon

felt each constellation
mapped by your
fingertips on
my spine

you were cosmic
and our love
was a meteor shower
above a sleeping Earth

a quiet threat
that only the stars
had the wisdom to see

lost souls,
they called us

but we weren’t

we were just navigating the
impossible

walking with splintered spines
on quicksand

but our hearts had found themselves
thrown together in the chaos

we used each other’s eyes
for mirrors

as reflections of our
souls

you taste of ink and blood

and words that have been chased
with too much whiskey

but I will drink from your lips
until both our hearts

shudder like stars

till we are left, merely bones
shaking in a shroud of skin

I draw hearts in the sand

like a child

and my heart beats for you

as wildly and recklessly

as only a child

would

we hate the ghosts of our pasts

because they try to teach us the things

we fear

the things we don’t want

to hear

their footsteps echoing with each bad decision we make

histories that we insist on repeating

but if we let their shackles slack

a little

we will see their guiding lights are not

blinding

but a dim glow that can illuminate our way out of

the shadows

some women weep over
the men that have wronged them

but I -
I am fire

burning hearts until they are nothing but
ash -

like memories, a million microscopic bits of
dust -

I do not weep, for I am flames
warming love that has cooled

a Phoenix -
rising from love that has turned bitter

I do not weep for wrongdoings
for none have done me wrong

only given me the chance to be born again

crows called me from sleep,

before a dream had ended,
before another had yet begun,

I opened the window to my room,
and flung my arms out into the dawn,

such promise,
bright, brilliant dreams to build,

I took a step out of the door but silver shackles closed about my ankles,

and I was dragged back to bed,
back to darkness, back to nightmares,

where crows do not beckon a new day,
but eat me from the inside out,

a carcass left on a roadside,
no dreams, no hopes, no feelings at all,

the crows will always come, I guess
it’s how they come to you

We spent 3am ,

tongues twisted in conversations
plucked from the depths of our souls

flicking cigarettes against the brickwork,
their ashes hitting the ground, silently

we counted and named each star,
ripping up the book of constellations
because it didn’t speak of
our love, our passion, our urgency

we wanted to be new, fresh, vital
as if we had the right to stamp our mark
on the sky, forever

but why not,
when we knew that our hearts
would not, could not, love each other

forever

I live in dreams of desecrated graves

destruction and decay slipping into my hand
like a pearl

ocean born, ocean bound
my heart, a crashing wave

when it senses your smile
secret, meant only for me

and I would not share it with another
even if they tore my fingernails out

it is our code
and only
ours

my prize
and only
mine

you breathed life into the death filled chasm
of my bones

matching moons with each kiss

buried by bitter bruises
the stain of forever on our skin

awkwardly caught between youth and age

luckless lovers

running from the demons we shared
with the stars