petals close when you are near

stars shudder at your finger tips

the moon shakes in it’s silver skin

and I -

blossom,

despite myself and my heart’s warnings

against your cruel caresses

I sigh, into your curves

and bury my head in the sands of oblivion

we thought our love was bullet proof

like the glass of the prisons
we have put ourselves in

uncaged- we roam
the streets of passion and consequence

darting between fear and love
so easily, as if it were our natural state

our natural form, now alien
to our bitter bones

we carve our niche
sit on the anchor of our own
intolerance to change

we are not bullet proof
we are a paper house

caught in the chaos of the
earthquake

If all we have is tonight

I will pick each star from the sky

and name it

take the white moon into my mouth

and taste it’s craters

with my cavities

I will paint my soul midnight blue

with the brush of my spine

and scatter our hearts into a

constellation

to be gazed in awe at

long after we’ve turned into

stardust

white roses
turning red
with the blood
I've lost

over you

heart beating
slower as we
kiss in the

rain

never imagining
that the clouds will
blow over one

day

don't leave me
waiting without
a word of

goodbye

without a word
to wrap inside
at night

windswept hair -

we drove until our eyes bled

from the hurricane of love

that came to us

when the mountains wept

and the sky glittered diamonds

on our daisy chain hearts

the stars shaking in their chambers

of midnight blue

there was us, my love

at the end of the yellow brick road

there is quivering love

I am -
splintered

edges rough and sharp
to the touch

so that no one dare
touch

I am -
fractured

my heart cracked from years of
lies

my eyes stained from years of
trying

this splintered, fractured soul of mine
aches

longing for something that it lost
a memory of human connection

that it buried, like seeds

bitter seeds, from which no flower shall

grow

to the skinny girls
who taunted me for years
with your catcalling and put downs

please know you didn’t make me this way

**** it if you think I’m giving you that power
**** it if you think I will let that victory be yours

my brain is more complex, works deeper,  
than a simple desire to be YOU

believe me, I’ve flirted with it,
thinking you were all I ever wanted to be

but believe me now when I say that
you are not the cause of my empty plate

so run along and feed your ego elsewhere
because I refuse to feed it
by letting you believe

that I am the way I am
because I want to be one of you

another cold, long night
counting down the hours until
daylight

keeping one eye on the hands
of the clock, at all times
as they chase down
time

in case they catch on
to my ever growing presence in their lives
and decide to
chase me, hunt me, pin me down

is it every insomniacs nightmare?
(If they ever slept long enough
to have one...)

that time is somehow out
to get them

playing tricks with minutes
turning hours into voids

I only hope that I shall sleep, one night
dream in peace
and no longer be haunted by
the hour hand

I listen to the storm crash
against my window

memories strike, like lightning
and I know that I instilled
the wrath of thunder

in you

and this is you, visiting
to make sure that I never forget

you

like Alice,

we seek to find keys to rooms
that we do not know what mysteries lie behind

to mould ourselves to fit the openings
of terrors and temptations

to contort ourselves into a place
of ecstasy and enlightenment

can there really be anything more thrilling in live

that standing in front of a lock
hands shaking in anticipation,
not knowing how you will open it
but swearing to yourself that you will find a way

because one day,
one way, one lock, one key, one door

might lead you home

you took me away
from the wildest places,

the war torn home
of my childhood,
the sweat soaked digs
of my student days,

making sure I would be thankful to you,
making sure I knew I had a debt to pay,
making sure I could never leave you,

but forced gratitude without love is just slavery
and I am no longer a woman in chains,

I dared to shatter the bars of decency,
of what everything and everyone told me
was right (or wrong)

and live - arms wide and free,
taking flight into the night sky
to leave my imprint amongst the stars,

shattered, but whole

the trick is in your eyes
love and lies
that twist like a knife
in my spine

a deep blue ocean
that I have drowned in
a thousand times

why do I even try?

cut loose, cut free
unshackle my hands
from your tortuous
"I love you"

that is never meant
to server anything
except you own
ego

we are the unlikely creatures -

the ones that move in moonlight,
under a carpet of unforgiving stars

our hearts don’t go unnoticed,
as much as we would like our motives to be

souls scattered across midnight skies,
as everything unfurls

and we are left with nothing
but the atoms of love

Forget
what you think
we are

strip us down
to the bare
bones

and see what
lives beneath
the thoughtless

“I love you’s“

the kisses planted on cheeks,
unthinkingly

would we survive?
with our bones and arteries, on show,
with a pale heart pulsing out its own beat
and not the one we’ve forced upon it

is our core strong enough to withstand this test
of raw becoming

or will we fold like a house of cards
for we have no soul to show

That moment when I said goodbye to you...
I didn’t know it would be for the last time

ordinary Thursday’s, shuddering
with their sudden significance

missing
missing
missing

a word I’ve heard so often now
it’s lost all meaning

and what can I do? There are no streets left
to search, no stone left to be unturned...

I suppose all I can do, is keep you close,
and love you, miss you, and wait...

because I do not believe in last goodbye’s

no,
you are just testing how long
I will wait for you

If this is all there is
if this is all that can be saved
then I want you to know that I’m sorry

I’m sorry for holding your heart in my hand,
and promising to protect it,
when I knew I would fail you

I’m sorry for staring into your eyes,
as if they held the entire ocean,
mysterious and deep in thought
that I could not understand

I’m sorry for being, existing, pulsing
in your life, like a poison in your veins

I’m sorry is the bottom line,
and I will beg you to believe that
until my dying breath

our fingers were fallen stars

bound to fight over fragments of
forever

until there was nothing left but
stardust

we didn’t know that the lightest touch
might be our last

or that ink would seep into our skin
just as sand is devoured by the tides of
the ocean

we can only cling to our little piece of
home

our place in the midnight abyss
of love

You can’t start a fire if your world
is made of paper

the pages of books that have been read so often the ink has stuck to your fingertips

you have tried to wash it off but it is
permanent, now

evidence of words you will never
be able to forget,

those words of loneliness that
ache in your heart

you can’t start a fire
if no one is waiting to pull you out of
the flames

there were words that never
passed our lips

but that our hearts would beat out
the rhythm of every single time

our fingers brushed together

at every single embrace and stolen kiss

for every morning spent sharing
our dreams over coffee

just because we didn’t say it
doesn’t mean we felt it any less

Maybe I’ve been craving you my whole life

like a cigarette
I had forbidden myself from smoking

or like love
that I had convinced myself wouldn’t happen

because you have not been craving me
your whole life

like chocolate
a sugar rush you wouldn’t share

with me

our names are written

in the stars, too bright for eyes to see

a pattern of hands clasped,
fingers entwined

the constellation of love

blinding to those below

whose first thought is to hate

The fault was not yours, and you’ll come to accept that one day

you will learn not to carry the weight of other people’s depraved actions on your shoulders

healing is not always the same as forgetting

but there will be moments when you forget, just for an hour, a minute, a second

collect these moments like pennies, buttons, pins

showcase them in your eyes, sparkling back into life

you were not buried in the dirt, my love

you were planted

wandering heart

nomad soul

my only longing is to roam

these ***** streets of pride and pity

these forests of failure and flight

I only want to know the feel

of grass between my toes

Caged birds do not sing

Until they are given a voice

Do not fly

Until they learn to find their wings

But with patient nurturing,
they will grow from meek and timid things

From quivering chicks hiding in the shadows
Into a fledgling

Preparing to take flight into a sky of endless possibilities

It stuck to us like glue

to our shoes
in our hair

we applied a chemical peel
that we hoped would

erase the taint of the past
on our skin

but the past evolved
with each step we took away from it

until it was a barred toothed wolf
with metal claws

to tear at and devour us

fight, flight, freeze

but if only there was more to life
than a ******* F word

You’re in my bones, you know
the calcium that strengthens me

stops my heart from breaking
into a million pieces

that turn to dust
blown into the night sky
to pollinate with the stars

I close my eyes and you are there
my night time phantom

that in the morning becomes
flesh and bone

Turn me free from this fickle life

this reckless longing
for the things that will destroy me

(you)

my heart is a fist in your hands
turning inwards,
beating the living **** out of me

in the name of love, my dear
in the name of forever

cut me loose

I have seen enough of love

A heart in Spring bloom
glowing as brightly as daffodils

I tread on a carpet of tulip petals
my eyes weeping sunflower seeds
each one containing a droplet of love
as my soul aches with the sun

and the bitter knowledge that flowers
have too short a lifespan

too short a life to stare into your stem green eyes
and quiver, like a clematis stumbling
on its climb towards

the sky

A tantalising score of lovers
lined up like shot glasses

down in one
hoping to taste gold liquor

until you realise that each one
is merely bad Sambuca

that your friends are egging you on to drink
before you can finish off the night

and go home

Is there such a thing
as a human heart
that hasn’t loved
and lost?

because if so,
I am willing to
undergo

a transplant

The moon shines like a giant pearl
scurried away from the ocean
on the crest of a forbidden

wave

I would sit with you here, forever
my hand wrapped tightly
in the million promises

of yours

if you’d let me
if you’d let me

stay

I am forever searching
for the ones I’m grateful to have lost

rose tinted glasses that make
peasant lovers look like kings

the swirl of the past
distorting my memories of heartache
and broken promises

into jewels of truth and the safety
of the crook of your arm

but I must shed these glasses,
swim against the current of these whirlpools

if I am ever to keep hold of myself
if I am ever to move on from
bitter words and anger
into a new chapter of trust and sensitivity

Our love bred nothing but deceit

an endless line of lies

heirs to untruths and fictions

it runs in the family

this passion for deception

this ache to mislead

we beg an audience for our falsehoods

for they are nothing if they go unappreciated

these frantic fabrications

Every breath is agony
when you’re conflicted about
whether you want to take it

dark shadows,
creeping into the corners of my heart

ghosts in my head,
talking to me at night,
their endless plotting for

more

paralysis when I try to wake from
this nightmare, that is happening without sleep

I am screaming from the bottom of the ocean
but it is too late, for no one saw me

drowning

This is not my war

this struggle of hearts,
fighting for dominance

thinking there can only be one winner,
because that’s what life has taught us

love has one winner,
and the winner, victorious,
takes the very soul of the loser,

but no, I will not play this game,
with my silver dagger,
shining sharp as the stars

I will not plunge it into any man,
nor allow it to be turned inward,
into my own heart

I will not fight you to the death

I will give our love to the moon,
in the hopes that she will bring peace
to your restless soul

my girlhood unravels like wool,
coarse, that unwanted touch  
stinging my skin,

a wasps nest, kicked alive
swarming all over me,

but these stings will not scar me,

I will grow new skin,
a shroud of flesh that has not
known the prickle of unwanted fingers tips

I will rise from the ashes of your depravity
like a Phoenix, born again

we danced on the eggshells
of our broken hearts

each step was exquisite agony,
and carried the endless hope
that we may find our way to love again

in the white dust crumbs

I am the ghost of poetry past

that cringe in your chest as you skim through words you once thought barred your soul
but now only shame it

that lump in your throat
as you try not to cry over a cliched metaphor
you used when you were sixteen and riddled with angst

you may think I am only here
to hurt and embarrass you

but actually,
I am the best teacher you’ll ever have

I will allow you to learn from what
now looks like shattered prose

I will allow you to grow from the imagery
you didn’t get quite right

and when poetry future calls,
she will bare gifts of words of wonder

that were only made possible
through listening to me

The trees sang our names
as if we were an ancient song,
shrouded in mystery and an infinite hope

the woods rattled with longing,
as our hearts danced beneath
a star splattered carpet

we were not unique, or new to these elements,
but it didn’t matter,

they held our love close
as if it were a newborn baby,
seeing a life unfurl as it gazed
into our bright blue eyes

as our souls cried out, primal,
for one more dance

I drank from your cup of love
like a child, idle with thirst,

the taste of forever swirled in my throat,

words that once formed there,
turned to white foam at the corners
of my mouth,

my heart sank deeper into my chest
at your fickle touch,

cemented there, caged there,

and I knew I would never be free
from this reckless lover’s command

I would follow wherever it lead,
happily

wild with longing and
that first promised taste of

forever

I am a child of the Earth,
sun soaked, soil clinging
to my bleeding fingernails,

breathing out the fires of desperation
and temptation,
breathing in the flame of purification
and damnation,

I am Earth child,
covered in mud and blood,
singing with the weeds,
dancing between the lilac lilies

How fast does the sun set
when no one is watching?

burnt orange skies that sink
like pebbles in a gently ebbing river

if no one bares witness
to the miracle of day’s end

does it happen?

or is all illusion and pink lies
told by the sunrise

The scars on my hips
that leave blood on your lips

the taste of innocence and ignorance

unknowing
of love’s sting

the bitter kiss of loss

wrapped in the promise of forever

Starlight

unforgiving to our hearts,
as we drink cheap scotch on the porch

the smoke from our cigarettes twirling,
twirling into the night

the thick, black night sky
stretched like an arm upon waking

and mine are always, always
reaching over to embrace

you

I wake up eager for that first coffee
that early morning cigarette
and that smile across the table
hidden behind a book
but I can still see it, my love
through those off-white pages
words swirling about your face
I can still see that smile that melts my heart
like syrup on a summer’s day

I hear voices...
soft and delicate
guiding and guarding
that are mine, and mine
alone

I keep them close to my heart,
like lovers
caress them
whisper kindnesses
and promises to never betray them

and how could I?
these soft, sweet kisses from a world unknown
this loving embrace from a body
without
a
body

secrets shared in darkness
with only the flicker of a candle flame for warmth

I will keep you, sweet nothings,
mounting up to everything
that is mine, and mine alone

those sun bleached days
are mere memories now

our hearts squeezed like a sponge
until they ran dry

kisses on tiptoes with sand
scorching our feet

are now drops in an infinite ocean
of dark blue - to

black

angel eyes,
glance my way
survey how my arms
twist in delight
at the mention of
your name
take in each detail
of my freckles and hair
my haggard heart
has kept its beats warm
for you, kept itself going
for the promise of one
more kiss

angel eyes,
you have the devil
inside you

your hunger for my heart
leaves me shaking

in a slow state of slow decay

from the over consumption
of sweetened words of love

you should have been more hesitant

wary of the destruction your passion
would cause

forever taught us to sing
like nightingales,
each note an echo of a heart -
beating, in unison,

we were the wild ones,
reckless with love,
spending its currency
like there was no tomorrow

and now we cling to the tomorrow
we never thought we’d share,

hands clasped tight,
our initials written
on our spines in fingerprints

we glow under the stars of
the ones that made it
through together