time is ticking away from me,
as I sit in my window,
a cigarette idly flicked between my fingers
into an ashtray that is overflowing,

how long have I been here?

the seasons change around me,
the daffodils change to sunflowers,
to crisp red autumn leaves swept
across my neighbour’s porch,

it will be winter soon,

children will build snowmen,
their fingers purple from the biting frost,
kisses chanced beneath mistletoe
and tables groaning under the weight of food,

time has gotten away from me,
it is too late now to chase it,
so I shall sit, and flick my cigarette
sitting stiffly in my window
staring blankly through the glass

we are a candle in the dark
too dull to light up our path
but warm enough to set a
fire in our hearts

sins cast
like shadows
skulking in
corners
waiting to
pounce on
unsuspecting souls
we are the
undergrowth
of a forest
earth deep
with secrets
and the sound
of the voiceless
ones

Your eyes are soft in the morning
Like dew

Wet with the sorrow of the goodbyes
Of the night before

Your smile echoes in the faces of everyone around me
I can’t look at anyone anymore

Without thinking of you

A memory stirred like sugar lumps
Sweet and sickly

In the bottom of the cup of my heart

I let my heart take over

when you kissed me
when your fingers lightly
brushed the skin on
my back

it was foolish
to believe you were
different from every
other man I'd ever met

to think that you would not
run the tires of your car
over my heart

drive over everything
I'd built my dreams around
my hopes of a future
filled with loving kisses
and tearful goodbyes

in one reckless
hit and run

even a dying rose
has the lingering sense
of being something beautiful

does a broken heart
have the lingering sense
of being whole?

in the blink of an eye
I see your smile

waves crashing against
the shore

the fierce movement
of the water threatening
to consume everything

I remember
reaching out to you
as you struggled against
the tide

I can feel your hand
slipping out of mine
as your were taken
by the sea

in the blink of an eye
I see your smile
even as you
drowned

I remember the colour of the leaves
in that first Autumn when I learnt to walk again,
a ghost turning opaque amongst the reds and oranges.
a flower growing from the dirt, newly fed and watered.
scared of blossoming, still, yet turning her face towards the sun,
taking the air into her lungs, mouthful by mouthful,
taking on the sky, bite by tentative bite.

I am something of a stalagmite these days
ice has grown from where the water
has seeped through the cracks
of the cave of my bones,
growing ever more solid
with the advance of winter

"How does it feel?"

to be bare bones
flesh burnt off
by unkind
words

to be numb inside
feelings consumed
by the darkness
that few understand
but too many
experience

to walk around half alive
your only hope
being that your
soul has somehow
survived what you
could not

our breath hangs in the air
as we walk midnight streets
a full moon beaming down
on our shadows

in the blink of an eye
you'll be gone from me
so I cling to your hand
as if my life depends on it

we have found our place
feet standing on pavements
built to carry the weight
of thousands

and in our hearts we carry
the weight of a thousand
kisses, a thousand fingertip brushes,
a thousand unbearable goodbyes

We walk
Hand in unforgiving hand
Away from what we saw
In each other’s eyes
In the seconds before sleep

Bitterness has taken us
Blood and stone
Settling in our hearts
We have turned to cruel words
Thoughtless acts of callousness

We split
Parting like the sea
The tide against us
And waves recklessly washing away
What was once untouchable

my heart is a wild thing
walking the wilderness
searching for another
wanderer to call
my own

I have wasted years of my life
stumbling from one fire to another
and now I need a balm to heal
these burns

wild things long to be tamed, sometimes
and though I do not want a cage
I would **** for a pair of arms
to wrap themselves tightly around my body

the smell of your cigarettes
catches in my throat

it tastes of home
and your warm

embrace, holding my body
as it shakes

like a butterfly desperate
to fly, but

wings clipped and
chained

to the root
of your

heart

moonlight gleams like pearls across
your chest, stars dancing, imprinting dots
upon your naked flesh

and I could not stand the sight of it,
so I stepped out, barefoot into the night

and I don't know where I'm going
but I'll just keep on walking
until the darkness is behind me

feelings are in flux,
the constant motion
of a wheel turning
in my mind

I do not know
when I wake
what number
the hand on
this endless clock
will be pointing to

I feel like a ghost
walking the Earth,
as if I woke up
one day and left
my body behind me

am I really alive?
was I ever really alive?

Hearts beat, still
when souls have been
stamped out

surrounded by plucked
flowers that have barely
bloomed

a garden of green stems
and sorrow is all that
is left

shattered glass that
pierces your flesh

a blood offering
is all that is left

We have a love
that spreads out
across the constellations

each star a pinprick
of memory

a touch
a kiss
the lingering feel
of your fingers
running through my hair

the sun a burning siren
to our hearts, so that we
are never lost, never
straying too far apart

we hold reality
in the palm of our hands

weaving stories like
stitches into the
fabric of time

we will watch
as the universe burns

safe in the knowledge
that we have immortalised
our love

she is woman
standing before you
without armour
to shield her from
your stares

you think
she is powerless
but her voice
will rise like
smoke from
the ashes

and wrap
around your
throat until
you cannot
breathe

do not
underestimate
the strength
of a woman
who has
stripped herself
down to the
bone

for the world
to witness

I have walked through fire
to reach you

and the blisters on my feet
are love bites

from a distant love

I walked with you,

feet stomping through muddy ground
stepping over fallen branches
that we forged into shapes

out of the bluebells
I heard your voice say

this is a moment
treasure it

I loved you before
we kissed

before I saw the way that
moonlight sat on your
soft features

I wanted you before
you held me in your arms

before our legs entwined
making a sculpture that
would stand the test
of time

I think I loved you
before I ever learnt
to love myself

you were the first person
to show me kindness
and I took my fix of it
just like any drug

I think I loved you
before we were even born

I loved you
when my heart
was barely able
to beat

out any rhythm
the resembled
life

I loved you
running wild like
the moon sitting in
a black ink sky

I don’t like to make
a spectacle of
my passions

but I loved you
open to the world
honesty and truth
the cornerstones of us

our whispered secrets
at midnight, entwined
together as each found
a home in the other

and you betrayed them

loving another as
I loved you

is it the fall we crave
when we think of love?

to slip beneath the salty waters
of the ocean, breathing out bubbles

that contain that one word -

love

it is light on the tongue
and yet to speak it

carries such weight

in those four simple letters
you are opening your heart

to another

hoping that they will act like magnets
and stick together, forever

love is a simple word
and to fall into it
is a freedom

perhaps the greatest
freedom we have
left

I was a fool for thinking
I could keep you unharmed

as if I had the power to heal
wounds of the heart -

etched as deeply as
names on a grave

pretending I could erase sorrow
as if I were the tide upon the sand

I was too proud to admit to you
that to love me was no different
than loving any other girl

I come with my own hazard warning

nights where you’ll wake up in
a cold sweat,
lying next to the nightmare you just had

but if you’re ready
I will hold you hand, earnestly
and help you navigate the
messed up map of me

this ****** up map of love

With my hand on the telephone
I wait anxiously to hear your
voice again, a voice that
licks my ears like honey,
memories come back
vividly, flooding me with
longing, I used to be
better than this,
better than waiting
like a child for
Christmas, up at the
crack of dawn, awake
all night listening
for sleigh bells,
but you have made me
wild, one of a hundred
sad women living with
their eyes and heart,
sleepwalking, left with nothing
but a longing for a voice
on the telephone
to tell me I'm beautiful
and "please wait
for me" and I know
I would wait endlessly
for you, desperately,
as if you were a cup
of water at the end
of a a hot summer's day,
I am weak and wounded
foolishly hoping you will
heal me. Is this how I die?
waiting with my hand
on the telephone

just remember
what you’re seeing
what you’re feeling
what you’re hearing

it is the beat of love

and I, my steps
quick and frantic
hold all the I see
I feel
I hear

in the palm of my hand
like a bird
temporarily caged
about to be set

free

In the corner of your eye
I see a tear

that takes me to the heart
of the ocean

the roar of the waves
shaking my ears

in a desperate cry
to be heard

darling, I hear you

your head folded into my neck
like a paper aeroplane

our lips meeting
passing nectar that restores

even the frailest, weakest of men
from the brink of

their hollow, lonely death

you are in my arms
and there is nothing left to fear

but the fear
of fearing to love

a candle reflected
in the mirror

echoes of spells
and rituals

conjuring love

overpowering each one
of my senses

the brightest light
glimmering in
my eyes

the softest touch
waking up
my skin

the rustle of tarot
cards being shuffled

a whispered promise

I can almost taste you

It was another dewy morning in  June;

the grass outside the apartment block was damp with promise
in the early morning sun

light streamed through the
***** glass of my bathroom window, highlighting my face as I lay stirring on the floor, my limbs bruised and heavy

an empty pill bottle, a couple of escaped tranquillisers, littered the black/grey slate floor

It was cold to the touch, and I

Frozen

memories came pouring back, before my head had a chance to catch up. My mind racing at the speed of a thousand cheetahs.

last night, my heart had been ripped open, left in ribbons for a child to come and play with. It was bleeding into my chest, I was drowning in my own blood.

Drowning. Drowning.

I had thought of it.

Ophelia had become something of a role model. A beautiful, tragical, wailing girl who had tied flowers in her hair and skipped off into the lake, pockets heavy with rocks

But no, there would be no ceremony for me, no bittersweet beauty.

The bottle was in my hand, like a grenade, and all I had to do was pull the pin

If I could hold everyone
I ever loved
ever kissed
ever touched
ever wanted forever with
in one heart

and let it rest in the palm
of my hand

I would come close to holding
the world

knifes slashing designer shirts
their ribbons scattered across the lawn
so that everyone can see your callous
heart. Your reckless romance with a girl
who you don’t own a house with.

I smash mirrors. They say you will always see a man in the mirror, flickering between the candles. I thought that man was you.

I play her messages on the answerphone as loud as they will go. I want people to hear and know how cruel you have been.

I used to be better than this.

but love makes you weak and petty, when it is taken away.

you make your own magic
or you make your own misery

there is no such thing as destiny

she undressed herself
for him

as one would undress
a wound

hopeful that the skin beneath
had healed

As he stands there,
arms stretched out towards me
like a ripple reaching out
to meet the rest of the
ocean

I realise that I am the ocean,

when we met, eyes dazed over
from beer, fingers casually flicking
ash from our cigarettes onto the
pavement

we were two hearts wild
with loneliness, latching onto
each other like velcro,

and now I dare not pull us apart
and feel the friction, hear the ear
screeching sound of separating
two things designed to stick
together

I want to roam into
the woods that I’ve
never felt beneath
my feet

the earth creeping
between my toes
the still, silent kiss
of nature

I want to run
my fingers around
the branches of trees

until my skin smells
of Oak, seeped in
greatness, ancient
and enduring

how I envy it

the woods
earth and
trees

are the whispers
that keep me
grounded in
the now

my past dissolving
like a thundercloud
that has run its
course

and I stand tall
Oak, Ash and Birch
the spine of time
great roots planted
in the ground

I am here, now
I am here
now

At your side
I feel like a stranger
to love

my heart skipping
beats

my breath
catching in my
threat

you have awoken
the ghost of
my soul

and now I am
searching the sky
for patterns that mark out
our future

hands clasped tightly
entwined, two bodies
dissolving into one

in your arms
I feel like a stranger
to myself

our hearts are
sleeping storms
waiting for the
sky to open
its wide jaw
and swallow
them completely

we have spent
nights with only
the stars for
company

we are
powerless
in the path
of thunder

but our souls
will thaw in
the sunlight
that follows

darkness is only
a temporary
state

the hours
a cycle

and we
will not
be stuck
in one
minute

forever

don’t tell me
to hold
my heart
in my hand

if you won’t
hold your heart
in yours

when you have
wounded me
with whispers
that meant
nothing to
you

I have stood
before you
fearlessly

my love alive
breathing the
very air we
share

still standing
when you
have fallen

short of
of being
everything
I dreamt you
to be

we can’t always
be better than
everybody else

but we can
always be better
than ourselves

another life is taken
hearts are breaking
bombs are being made
children laid to rest
the world is spinning
backwards
God's indifference
or inexistence
your country may send you
your pride may ignite you
the waving of flags may blind you
to the blood stains on the sand
to the cries of the mother's
being torn from their daughters,
to their sons being sent
to fight a senseless war
and it will happen all over again
and again
as long as humans, are humans
full of greed and power and an ability
to turn a blind ear to the cries of
human suffering

in the end, my darling

we are just one breath away
from drowning

sea **** tangling
like ropes around
our arms

waves washing over us
until only our bones
remain

we are just one breathe away
from drowning

and everybody loves the ocean

the fever dream of our love
curls like the smoke of a
cigarette around the
window frame,

begging to be let loose
into the wild to dance
around the sun like
a child who has no
burden

it smiles back at us
softly, as if it can
sense the sorrow
it has left
behind

we are left
without a dream
stumbling along
trying to grow
and breathe
with half
of our soul
wrapped around
the sun

"maybe one day"

won't feed me

"maybe one day"

won't clothe me

"maybe one day"

won't quench my thirst

"maybe one day"

won't unblock my airways

"maybe one day"

won't strengthen my pulse

"maybe one day"

won't jumpstart my heart

"maybe one day"

won't stop my bones from breaking down

"maybe one day"

won't stop them covering me in earth

"maybe one day"

they'll be no one there for you to say

"maybe one day"

to

a thousand lovers
before us

have walked this path
of passion

that melts on our skin
like ice

wilting in the sun
like a  dried up flower

the words that pass
between our lips

are not unique

but still they shatter silences
rolling like a thundercloud

across the sky of
our indifference

to the fact that we
are not special

no, we are so much more
than that

reborn and learning
how to live

in the arms of
each other

we're content to be
a cliche

if the centre of it
roars red

like fire

if the heart of it
beats out to the rhyme

of love

I exist
without
your kiss

(barely)

head held
under water

heart beating
slowly

pumping
the minimum
of blood

that my brain
needs

to be able
to understand
your goodbye

and to tell
my lungs
to stop

(breathing)

your feelings
are from thrift
shops and flea
markets

second hand and
well worn

frayed around
the edges

a hole in the sleeve

a hand-me-down
heart

how can I believe
anything you
say

as truth

when the same
words were
once kept

on a letter
close to the
chest of a

girl before

time slows down
or speeds up

relative to how
fast you move

against
something
else

hurling into
the vast loneliness
of space

at the speed
of light

your heart
trapped in
aluminum

ages far
slower than
mine

gravity
bending
time

twisting
the narrative
of our love

so that one
of us grows
old

apart from the
other,

helplessly watching

a promised lifetime
blowing up

above the cheers
and screams

of a crowd

our love lies
battered on the ground
like the centre of a rose
left naked without
its petals

bitter whispers of
"I loved you more
that you loved
me"

I will call you
cruel, your
callous heart
wounding me
with goodbyes

I will call
you cruel

cruel

cruel

I am both

hurting
and healing

two truths
nesting in
the palm
of my hand

like the moon
takes light
from the sun

or the sea
gives sand
to the shore

neither is one
without the
other