I have been searching for a reason;

was it my hair,
my face,
my waist,

as he grabbed me by the wrist
and pulled me towards
his pulsing body

was it my hips,
my ****,
my lips,

as he stood before me
one hand, ******* my shoulder
a ***** mattress beneath me
covered in the seeds of my
shame, my hate, my blame

forever changed, one half of
my head is a Hell no one else
will ever know, ever see,
ever understand

**** is an ugly word
yet, too simple to express
what is taken, stolen,
lost, in that one act

four letters that sit together,
like every other word
in the ******* dictionary

yet they are strangled with
barbed wire, each vowel
choking, each consonant
begging to be heard,
to be seen, to be
believed

I have to believe
that I can grow
from a rotten
root

or else drown
in a pool
of my
tears

and fears

Your love is enough
to shatter the cage
of my past

deep roots
that have set
like stone around
my bones

your kiss
transforming me
into a butterfly

and even if
I only live
for one day

your love is enough
to send me skipping
gratefull,  gracefully

to my grave

sometimes

the only thing that matters

is that your heart

beats against my ear

and sometimes

the only thing that helps

me thrive

are the seeds of love

you plated in my soul

growing from the roots

of passion

climbing around your body

like Actinidia

entwined until we become

one flesh

one blood

one bone

you will be someone else's, soon

someone will love you as if
you were made of diamonds

as if you were the silent whisper
of stars on a stormy night

but for now, I fit
in the crook of your neck

as if the shape of our bodies
were moulded into

one flesh, one heart

that beats out a pattern
of forgiveness and promise

you will be someone else's, soon
but for tonight

you are mine to hold,
mine to kiss
mine to touch

before the goodbye
lands like lead
on my heart

and you are someone else's, now

I linger here
on the edge
of the sea

like a mermaid
waiting for
a man

to trap

with the great
cavity of my
mouth

teeth yellowed
by age and
cigarettes

I linger
like a ghost

the taste of
death is a
salt

that preserves
my body
on the outside

whist the inside
has vanished
into the ocean

like a wave

Ophelia drowned herself
two weeks ago. Submerged,
head first, into the lake.

Air bubbles formed
at the corners of
her mouth until
one by one
they burst;

She couldn't shout.

The black ink thickens,
as she sinks.

Deeper,

Curls clinging
to her cheeks.

Her frozen pulse quickens,

and the last

beat

of

her

heart

sends ripples that disturb
the silence.

I can hear you now.

I am cautious of
your frail heart

I dare not
touch it with my
indelicate fingers

that weave time
as if it were
a thread I
could simply
unpick

if I went wrong

these are the offerings
of lost things,
toy cars and thimbles
that no one knew
what to do with

but you heart,
like the flesh
of the moon,
sits in the sky like
an echo

calling me home

I am full of sins
that threaten
to fall from
my collar -
bone

they grip onto
this beam
of my body

these stranded secrets
of the skin,
that have nowhere
to go, nothing to do

except to hold, hold
onto the bar of my collar -
bone

I wrote you a love letter
across the ocean

but the waves washed it away
as if it was flotsam

words that I thought
held the truth of my heart

had no substance at all

Here he'll be in
my memory
forever

hanging in the water
like a hook

anchored,

his heart hit the rocks

waves washed over his
limp body

a siren of despair
and desire

whose song will travel
nowhere, now

except the bottom of
the ocean

some days I feel
as infinite as the
universe, burning
as brightly as
the sun, my soul
a scattering
of stars

and some days
my heart is
as black as
midnight,
hurting
as deeply
as the ocean

kiss

the shadows of the others

off my lips

my darling,

in the infinite paradox

of passion and pain

kiss me

deeply

and drink

the wine that makes

me drunk

on love

She knows her worth, now
and will no longer
sacrifice a part
of her broken heart
for someone
who does't
see the beauty
of her fractured
soul

your fingerprints cannot be
wiped from my skin

the heart prints you left on my back
cannot be erased

the kisses you planted on my cheek
cannot be licked off

I am marked - yours
forever

I am praying that the sun stays out
twenty four hours of tears
dried on my eyes lashes
sticking my lids together, like glue
so that I can only see a slither of difference
between light and shade

I don't want to be left alone with the night

Why am I running away?

you voice is soft
in my ear
each morning

whispers of love
and forever
and ever

you have never
shouted or made
me feel scared

Why am I running away?

your touch is gentle
as you caress
my back

each finger
drawing out
a heart

on my back
calming me
as your own

and I accepted
their imprints
as if they were
the fingerprints
of God

Why am I running away?

your eyes are darker
than midnight
and just as
mysterious

I lose myself
in them, each
night

searching for
answers,
answers
like

Why am I running away?

I will not repent
for these scars
on my skin

a battle journal
of a war
I fought
hard to
win

I am marked
by life

unashamedly
growing blossom
from these
silver branches

I will not beg
for acceptance
for my being

I will simply
be

I  am covered
by the loose threads
of time

pulling at
the stitches
of memory

until all that’s
left are the frayed
edges of moments

lost

but I hold
a needle, and
can sew these
torn threads
back into the canvas

of my life, patchwork
with experiences and
memories

a whole picture, a life

complete

I was -
shackled

a body
trapped in
the bars
of a fist

but I have -
broken

the cage of
God

an angel
flying, wings
unclipped

soaring
soaring
soaring

sun marked
and faithless

he knew
he was
no match

for my free
spirited heart

that there was
no cage that
could keep
me

loveless
and bound
in fear

I am free
and guided
only by the
birdsong

that whispers me
home

I live in a world
where feathers are
signs from a
home that you
nest in
out of the corner
of your eye
-
and
smoke rings
must be caught
and cherished
-
the other place
where honeysuckle
fills the air in a
euphoric burst
of belonging
-
the place where
the edges are
soft and sounds
do not grate
-
I would live here
forever, but I
must return,
and leave Him
-
always, always
trapped between,
anchored in
two worlds

I watched the squares
on my red checked dress
every play time
as he sat next to me
on the freshly cut grass

the smell of it, eating up
my senses, consuming me

I counted the dates
on the calendar
above the teachers head
every time we were made
to sit together

how one number can roll
onto the next without
ceremony, without being
noticed

I wasn't noticed
only bty him

at nine, you don't understand
what a boys hand down your pants means

you don't understand why it makes
you feel sick,

why it makes you cry yourself to sleep
at night,

you tolerate it, so sure that
this is the way the world works

I was taught to fear men, before I understood fear,
before I understood men

the seeds that were planted in me, rotten, no fruit
would ever grow, no flowers bloom

I would remain tight, in the bud
for a long time

maybe forever

I am waiting for the right kind of rain

I have put my faith
in men of your kind
all my life

deluded into thinking
my sanctuary lay in
being cradled by your arms

only to have my heart
ripped open, as a child
might tear off the petals
of a rose

as thoughtlessly
and gleefully

as I lay scattered across the floor,
bleeding a substance that is not blood,
but the very nectar of my soul

I make a vow to never again be
so recklessly in need of love
that I ignore my gut instinct

to run

and keep running

until I find sanctuary within myself,
until I become in tune with the beat of
my own heart, content with it's gentle rhythm,
to know that this is who I am, this is my purpose,
and this is who I need to stand for,

because when I am
at peace with myself
maybe I will see through
the likes of you

My broken heart is still
teaching me to love

from the little buds of
first meetings

to the blooms
of full blown passions

when our arteries
entwine, blood
mixed and wounded

hearts beating as one

You watched me force my way through the ashes
and rebuild myself from the debris

you said that you'd always believed in me
and I felt it

said that you'd always waited for this
and I could taste it

but when our hand clasp,
I panic, imagining them turning into dust

when we kiss deeply
I wonder if I am consumed by fire, inside
something so imbedded, so fundamental to my new state of being
that I can't control it

I imagine my tongue turning to flames
inside your mouth

I am scared of combusting at the slightest trust

I feel hazardous

Yes, a Phoenix may rise
ready to live their life over,

and it may be beautiful

but there fire inside them, still
and people will get burnt

FIGHT

shoes kicking at a stained carpet, ,
fingernails holding onto a
thread, my screams (echoing)
bouncing off the walls of
an empty room

FLIGHT

run, just run
my legs are lead
or jelly, neither state
in motion. I get to the
door, frantically struggle
with the lock. He turns
and grins. I am trapped.

FREEZE

lying on a stinking bed
my arms shackled tightly
above my head, my body,
tired and empty. It can give
no more. I can give no
more. I am like ice,
solid and cold, waiting
to thaw

as he leaves the room,
my body broken,
my spirit crush ,

he smiles, a half smile
like a wolf who is about
to burst into a grin

I am infinite as the universe,

I am marked by fire, stars
burning on my body, their
light bouncing off me as the
foam rises off the surface of
the waves that sweep across
the ocean

I have broken up with God,
skyless and without faith
tying me, rooted to the
spot with shame

I have shattered the bars
of pain, the cage that surrounded
my heart, bust open

I am blooming as the tulips
bloom in April, blossoming
from green stems into a
carpet or purple and red

cageless, Godless, shackles loose

I am infinite

He sunk
his teeth into
me

my body
still as the sky
and heavy as
lead

wrists shackled
above my head
a single breath
more than I dare

utter

I knew the taste
of blood and it
was my own

from biting my
cheek so hard
swallowing my
screams

he left me
empty as a
carcass and
just as alive

I had tasted death
with its bitter root

I had wished for it

I’m not coming over tonight
to beg you to stay,

in my heart
I know it’s over,

nothing ever lasts forever,
not even promises of

we’re in this together

Beauty is a concept
we have rarely
observed

but tonight
in your arms
I feel more
beautiful

than the supernova
that lights up
the universe

There is no honour left in love,

a simple twist of the heart
that hurts like a *****

a kick in the teeth
whose lips were just kissed

the digging of nails into a back
that has turned and walked out the door

there is no honour left in love

only cold goodbyes and empty promises
words that have no meaning
actions that have no place
moments that are out of time

if it was a game, why did I lose
without knowing the rules?

I hear voices -
that is to say a voice
that is not by own,
but a strangers

(no longer a stranger, now,
a friend, an enemy, a curse)

he licks my brain
with his wet tongue
whispering morbid
fantasies of death
and destruction

he is a wolf
to which I am
his meat - he plays
with me - toys with
me

drags me across
the floor, my blood
trailing behind,

I wake up to his
howls, peaking through
my window at the moon,

(I know moonlight well, these days)

I don't sleep that much,
his voice eating away
at my flesh, my bones
left brittles and shaking
in their shell,

I do as he commands,
eat the red fruit, don't step
on the cracks. Don't trust them!
THEY ARE SPIES!!!

he takes me whole into
his mouth, twisting me
around his tongue like
half forgotten words,

savouring his demands
for blood, that I have obliged
with the flick of a knife,

then, at last, devours me

Eighteen ways to say I love you
that shatter like ice in my throat:

the bread I used to bake with
my grandmother, her ancient hands
kneading violently as if years of pent
up frustration could be baked and sliced
in one loaf.

I did not know how to say “I love you”
and mean it. Only how to shape dough
in ways that implied it. My mother would
watch from the kitchen table, and I
would wonder if she’d ever said it.

We do not make our passions known,
our feelings other people’s concern.
So we bake, or plant flowers and trees.
We make our love visual and growing.
We make it alive.

These are the moments that matter

the spark of friction
when our hands squeeze
together

the tender press of your lips
against mine

the gentle breath on my neck
that is a love song, whispered

these are the moments I’ll remember
when you’re gone

when you are calling me all the names
under the sun

fighting like a flock of birds over breadcrumbs

pacing like a  hungry lion with a deer between its teeth,
blood running down it’s mouth
contorted in an insane grin

I will not remember that

I will remember this

I saw the ghost
of you

on the pillow
next to me

as you slept

and I realised
I had to leave

before the ghost
became me

You tried to clip my wings,
pin me through the spine
like a prize butterfly

but I learnt how to fly
and say goodbye

to you

You said

“You will never love again.”

and I believed you, for years

I wasted my life

walking beaches alone
staring sadly out across the ocean
each grain of sand incapsulating my loneliness
each wave roaring along to my pain

but I learnt to see beauty in the solitude
and hear the stirring song of the sea

and I loved it,

with what bit of my heart wasn’t torn

I loved again

empathy

our hearts twist in torment
over who is most deserving of it

the child washed up on a beach
or the bleeding teenager carrying
a secret that can never be told

it seems impossible to us
that we can give our kindness

to more than our arms can reach
to more than our eyes can see

but we are all ticking time bombs
of love, the explosion will come

and darkness cannot outlast a sun
as ferocious as a bleeding, human

heart

Call me heartless
if it helps you feel better

keeping me locked in a memory
of bitterness
dragging my name through the dirt
as you tell the next girl of the one
before

I can keep your kisses pressed
against my heart
and pretend the sweetness lingers

if it makes you feel better
be cruel and not kind

I don’t mind

I love you like the planet that is nameless,
yet to be discovered in an ocean of stars,
I could pace an empty beach, howling at the moon
to answer me and it would echo back my cries

I love you like the tree that is branchless,
arms that can never reach out and touch you,
leaves that can never fall at your feet like love
letters, carrying the song of my soul

I love you like the river that is cut off before
it reaches the sea, never finding it's home,
or it's place in the vastness of the Earth

I love you like a wild thing, an injured heart
desperate to be healed

On the train tracks of love
we are one collision away
from disaster

our hearts torn metal
twisted and thrown
from their framework

we are passengers
out of control
merely praying that
we will survive

I do not blame you
for leaving me

my wild heart
that aches in ways
another injured
heart cannot hope
to mend

instead I will remember
the late night kisses
on my forehead
when your lips gently
grazed my pale skin

I will not forget the
loving whispers or
tender touches

I think of you fondly
as the sun goes down

it may set on the love we had
but, my darling, it does not set
on love

Suffering is an art form

Like everything I have ever done
I have mastered it

The slow murmur of movement
Dogged by depression

The hummingbird’s frantic song
Of anxiety

The drifting of days marked only
By the ticking of a broken watch

I am war
And famine
And disease

For as long as I have breathed air
It has been poisonous

A toxic oxygen

I have learnt the art of dying
Without death

The finality of it never quite succeeding
The motion of my desire for it

I want to purge my body of the filth
That has been inflicted on it

Trauma that seems impossible to carry
On my shoulders

I am a tree grown from a bitter root
Planted into the ground as an afterthought

My braches twisted, leaves that will never know
The brilliant colours of autumn

But I stand, still
Weathered and beaten and broken

Still, I stand

There exists a photograph
of me, smudged now,
the image grainy

it acts like a cross
around my neck

it it not hope
or comfort

or even faith

but a reminder
to never make

the same mistakes
again

I have spent my life
drying out, like wood
left in the sun

shrinking back into
the shape I was
born

rather than the
woman I wanted
to grow into

we were lovers
leaving no footprints in the sand
like ghosts
we walked the earth
lighter than air
and higher than heaven

love was the only
gravity we needed

I woke up from a nightmare
I could not stand to keep
to myself

you were stretched across the couch
coffee going cold on the table
a half finished cigarette
still burning

you wrapped me up
in kind words that
I could not bare
to hear

whispered into my ear
"one day we will go wandering
and this tiny house will overspill
with dreams'

you are not your memories, darling
you are not the bad things
that have been done to you
you are a fierce flame
that warms my heart

forget them, my love
they are nothing
and you, and you
are everything

to be real
in a false
world

is like wearing
a corset made
of your own
bones

your heart
weakly beating
beneath your
armour

it pulses red
fist shaped
and ready
to fight

the creatures
that lurk
like spectres
in the dark
corners of
your mind

it's not up
to you if
you win
this fight

only you
try, you
try, you
try

If there was some amazing
force of nature
twist of fate
that could bring us back
to that night
where we held hands on an open beach
the ocean wide mouthed and hungry
devouring minutes until morning
the sand twisting like time beneath our feet
there were only secrets and whiskey
and our hands
classed so tightly
fighting off daylight

You asked me how many moons
were in the sky

and I said, only

one that pulls fine chords from
our hearts and spins

one that clenches like a fist
at the beating in our chests

one that's surface is covered
with every kiss we've ever had

only one, because there is
only us, alone in the universe

in it's vast, grey, enormity

our bodies woven so tightly together
wrapped around each planet

our love burning up every sun
into a supernova

we are alone
we are vast
and our love is
infinite

Pity is a paralytic
chaining you to the past
the tiniest movement forward is
body shattering agony

let me be free from it
let me soar above
these waves of regret
this screaming sea of hatred
that has poisoned the core of me

the world is what
I take from it, what I
make of it

I do not have to grow
from the bitter seed
it has planted in me