Play my heart stings
the way that you attempted
to make noise from an untuned guitar.

With you
i am attached to reality

Without you
i could float past the clouds.

i. I am elastic bands stretched just far enough
to stop springing back
but never far enough to break.

I am the camel with one too many straws
on my seemingly strong back.

Sometimes i am the straws.

ii. The elongated faces of my parents
weighed down by my lack of prevalence
the empty fridge door
the failing grades hidden.

I answer to their expectations
and i wonder what will happen
when they aren't the ones i need to please.

I am the promises of expansion
And the clinging to the known

I am silently imploding.

iii. I am the college acceptance letters that got lost in the mail
The 33% acceptance rate, the school that only looks at talent.
I am the lack of talent.
I am the hopefulness that i just can't see it.

I am the accepted to every school you don't want to go to
The i don't know why you still don't have a letter
Maybe we should just commit to another school...

The white girl with 2 white middle class parents
you don't need money, you're already privileged

I know i am, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way.

iv. I am your secret girlfriends toothbrush
placed in your closet.
I am finding it and wondering
when you bought me a new teal toothbrush.

The stammering explanations
The realization that the toothbrush wasn't for me.
That it had already scrubbed your saliva off her tongue.

The teal toothbrush goes flying, hurtling at your head.
I don't like the color teal anyways.

I am leaving you for myself.

h

You were put in the same Lit class as the boy with ****** knuckled and a taste for poison
So he could beat your heart into a tiny ball of tangles veins and crushed muscle, and then throw up his whole stomach onto it.
He was there so that you could decide that your heart looked better intact.

I used to dream about a place filled
with things that other people forgot to love
all cramped up in cages
all for sale.
I go to the cash register that is
accompanied by a gruff old man with
***** finger nails and ****** knuckles
and i ask how much it is to buy the whole store.
He asks me why, while glaring at
my cherry halter dress and reading my chapped pink lips.
He snaps that only people who
never had the capacity to love in the first place
could possibly run the store.
I tell him that i want to love them all
and that is all i ever wanted
even though I'm just realizing this now.
I place my neatly groomed hands on his grimy countertop and
I tell him that when i get a hold of this place
ill let them all out of the cages
and water the plant
and feed the dogs
hug the humans
dress up the dolls
and wear all the jewelry.
He replies with a swift punch to the counter top too close to my open palms that have just now reached to hold his hands
This noise causes all the babies to start crying
and i am thankful that my mother hated me enough to never have another child
I cautiously take my hands back
and tell him that i never had anyone to give love to
and that i have enough to go around now.
His face changes from a stone frown
slowly to an evil grin and he begins to approach me.
He grabs my thin boney wrists and forces me into a cage that has a wilted flower in it
the cage is right next to an old woman.
I scream and shake the cage and tell him i have enough love.
He shakes his head and says
not enough to save yourself.
I cry and look down and see a raggity ann doll.
She has makeup smeared all over her sewed on lips
and i vaguely remember doing the same thing to mine
before i lost it under my bed
and before i gave up trying to look for her.
I run my fingers through her hair
and cry because i know now how easy it is to forget.

And sometimes i wish that i could pull my teeth out and
feed them to your new girlfriend.
Because she doesn't like Good Will Hunting and
is afraid of lady bugs.
And god knows she needs some fangs
because she's mostly bark
and even when she does bite
its only soft gums that barely penetrate your skin
and i pity you for dating someone
who seems to take after my mother
and i wonder if maybe
i was born into the wrong life.