You were there to either be saved
Or to be made an example of.
You were between too much pressure
or insanity.
You were old enough to know better
but young enough to fail to meet your own needs.
You were stable enough to pretend to be content
but sick enough to try to commit ******.
You knew me long enough to tell me most things
but different enough to not tell me anything.
I love you enough to visit you in prison
but am stupid enough to be scared of you.

One day i woke up
and we no longer spoke the same language
that we had been speaking yesterday.
Always wasn't in my vocabulary
yet it had been replaced with forever in yours.

To grow up means to exhale
All that you've inhaled as a child and to inhale adult mindsets.
Breathe out. I will grow into what in meant to be.
Breathe in. I will create myself into something of my choosing
Breathe out. I want something that has instant gratification
Breathe in. I want to be happy tomorrow too
Breathe out. I have to find someone that makes me better
Breathe in. *I will make myself better

its not okay, if its only okay for you

I don’t want to be touched in ways that make my insides turn to licorice
I don’t want you to hold my hand because it binds us to the public and you own me.
I don’t want to kiss in movie theaters.
I don’t want to have *** in the back of your car.
I dont like doing things that feel like a betrayal to myself
Every time our hands intertwine or our lips press together
In a half hearted attempt to rekindle the butterflies that are long gone
Sit at the bottom of my stomach. Dead.
When I fake *******, smiles, lies about how happy I am
I feel apart of myself tangle up
Making me smaller and smaller until im a ball of knots.
I don’t want to be anyones *** interest
Safety boat
Most important person because it limits me to what I can be to myself.
I don’t want to be touched in ways that betray myself and make me any less of my own most important person.

The problem is
People only see as far as the last sentence in the newspaper article.
They see that my best friend stabbed his father.
They see that he was planning it.
They see that he failed in his attempt to **** him.
They see that at 1:30 am he was arrested at the scene.
They see he will be tried as an adult for premeditated attempted ******.
They don't see anything else.

At our little brothers baseball games we would search for quarters to get airheads.
On the bus we would share stories about our latest failures.
He was trying to get sober.
He had failed to **** himself twice.
He had serious mental problems that everyone underestimated
He needed help.
He didn't get it.

He's alone in a juvenile detention center, isolated.
Mentally unstable and yet again without a support system.
Doomed for the rest of his life.

So excuse me when i tell you to shove it up your ***
When you say that i should stay away in fear of being remembered
Because all he'll do is remember you forgot him when he needed you most.

I will not ask you what youve buried
With the hands that you used to pull me out of the earth.
I shouldnt ask you what youve tried to pull from the sky
With the fingers that you used to reach me to the clouds
I wouldn’t ask you what you’ve kept silent
With the mouth that you used to convince me from the shadows
I couldn’t ask you what you’ve run away from
With the legs that ran towards me.
I wont ask you why you did
I wont ask you why you shouldve
I wont ask you why you wouldve
I wont ask you why couldve
And neither should you.