Even though I knew all along

After a night of reflection I realised we have different nights and mornings

Polar opposites
we'll never be the same
we'll never see eye to eye
and i never wanted us to be the same
i never wanted to live as equals
but it hurts
it hurts to realise we'll never understand each other
each breath we take near each other is lost in translation
each thought that dares to escape our minds threatens to tear us apart
misunderstanding left us destroyed and in despair
and now all i can do is sit here
and reflect
i couldn't love myself so i tried to find love in you
but i sat
and i reflected
and i realised
we have different nights and mornings
we weren't meant to work
we never were

it hurts
hurts so much

once again it's silent
i can feel my steady heartbeat
and life is simple

by your side at 1am
i was reluctant but i still did it

2am now i'm feeling comfortable

3am the cold air hits me and i'm excited
i move closer to you and you crush me
your bodyweight hurts in all the right ways

4am i've got you right where i want you
and ******* definitely have me

5am you refuse to admit it
you refuse to say the words aloud

5.15 we're in comfortable silence

5.17
you say it's getting late

5.19 everything went back to normal....like nothing ever happened

but i'm still learning...

I fell for a man I couldn't have been with, ever
I fell for a Man I shouldn't have been with ever
polar opposites
the world was against us

i guess i ****** about too much

i feel distant from myself
i feel distant from God
i don't feel like a friend
-
this has to be self torture right?
it is my hand that is crushing my windpipe RIGHT?
-
i know everything is by the hand of God
but it feels like i'm hurting myself badly these days
but the pain hurts so good
sometimes it doesn't even feel like pain
that's the problem
the lines are so blurred between the two that i can't see where anything begins or ends anymore
-
how these lines get crossed
how everything blurs into one
how i am slowly making a descent into nothingness
how fast i am fading..
-
it feels like i'm free falling
and the hand of God, invisible and mighty, cushions me and slowly, very slowly is lowering me down
so i'm not falling..

S for say
say something to me

I wanted to write tonight
to maybe say something beautiful
or something soulful
maybe even passionate

I wanted to captivate somebody with my story
with my words
the way that I could say something

I wanted to give meaning to my ongoing thoughts
maybe some beauty too
but my heart feels really empty
I feel empty overall
I guess my soul doesn't feel all that alive

I am alive and that's it
it doesn't count for much

maybe I thought that writing could be the spark to light my fire again
I wanted it to be the surface that I would strike my one and only matchstick against
but I keep striking it
and striking it
and it's just started to look damaged

Simplicity is tainted by our foolish and selfish desire to change what is pure

i'm overridden with lust
my heavy lidded eyes are bloodshot
clawing at these sheets
barely able to breathe
biting my lip so hard even blood refuses to escape the fire within me
i'm typing this whilst you watch me
*******

attraction for attractions sake

faces....how many do you have?

The patina of your leather against my cheek
Just makes me want to hold on tighter when you ride

W H A T    W E N T   W R O N G   W I T H   M E
       MAYBEIAMAPERFECTMISTAKE
ORMAYBEIAMJUSTNOTHING

searching for answers i guess

I've forgotten how to act around you
At the start of all this I was the slickest and suavest siren around
But now I squirm at the thought of your stare
And become aware of my breathing
As if this paranoia takes me over to the point where Its as if I am the only one in a room that the focus is on
I try to sneak glances at you
And it's quite untrue
When I think I may just have a future with you
Because you
Yes you
Are just a figment of my imagination
An object to fuel my desires,
The real ones at least.
My interest is waning
Yet I'm still struggling with the failure of this
Because when I think I may have a future with you
Suddenly you're not just a figment of my imagination
you're real
And I can't believe it
That you stand before me
And now you're just another distraction in my life

i want more

Say it's me that you adore

Maybe I could turn my radio on and listen to the static, it means you’re there somewhere right? If I push that button to talk, you’ll hear me right? If I hold my radio tight will I one day hear your whisper through the interference? Are you there? Do you copy? Do you copy?

i've reached rock bottom,
i think i need a little help getting out
but i don't have a single soul that could help me

i should stop wallowing
i mean, what's the point of crying over loneliness when i could piece myself back together
that would mean i don't need a single soul....
right?
i could live in piece(s) with myself and 9 others who go by the same name but could never resemble me.

but i can't live without you

There's a fire, and its sparking up
Somewhere in the ether,
Run run as fast as you can
He'll catch you one day
But
Not if you're faster than his plan

As fast as it left
it came back
here i am
sitting in the dark
feeling like a warped jigsaw piece
never seeing
please lull me to infinite sleep
with your raspy death filled voice

Lust, lustrous....lust....lost

Come to me, my dear child
You haven't got long left with me, dear child
I'm leaving home in 10 minutes
But life is not my home
Until we meet again, my dear child

are we all but one

surprisingly I'm back for more
i have nothing to write today though
im in a good mood

dancing feeds the soul
and good music

it corrupts your heart too
so be careful
-
i'll keep smiling though

The power of youth
Radiated from the eyes of young James
Dressed in his finest suit
Looking sharper than the edge of his knife that he stole
He ventured out into the young night to find the many others that could be mistaken as his twin, all unique copies of each other.
Soon enough he was drunk
Drunk to the point of no return
Drunk to the point that he couldn't help but feel
He, the ringleader lead on his army of youths
Running, Running to anywhere
Anywhere is better than being with the coppers
They loved to wind the coppers up without a care
All fun was over when they were caught
But the power of youth never fails to kick in
Cheered on by his friends,  young James is spurred on to wind up the grumpy copper that roughly held his shoulder
The copper looked at the boy with pity in his eyes and asked
"Have you been drinking son?, you don't look old enough to me"
"I'm sorry officer is there a certain age you're s'posed to be?, no one told me"
The coppers eyes become littered with mirth at the response he wished he could keep hearing
Only one thought appeared in the mind of the copper, The power of youth.

actually bringing in a sudden twist of thought
when you don't look at things fully then they brighten your mood
but when you see everything bared
well that's a different story in itself

Expert poets huh? If poetry was perfect it wouldn’t exist
You can’t follow a method
Just follow your heart, that one thought that is always on your mind, the drag of your pen against a surface, the long sigh after a hard day, the feeling of skin against yours, the feeling of a feverish Sunday afternoon nap, just follow the feeling of running away with a day dream

And you’ll be just fine

Tonight

CAN YOU FEEL ME THE WAY I FEEL YOU??
DO YOU WANT ME THE WAY I WANT YOU??
DOES YOUR HEART YEARN FOR ME IN WAYS UNEXPECTED TOO??
TELL ME IM NOT THE ONLY THATS CRAZY
TELL ME THAT YOU ARE TOO

Erik Satie - Gymnopédie No.1

Just like lightning

sought after
because she's a bad little girl
because she has perfect brunette hair that you want to wrap around your wrist
because she likes it when you call her a coke *****
she hates it when you abandon her
so just glance at her
play it safe
stare when you can
interact when you can
she's wearing that hella **** outfit
she's laying on carpet
her eyes are turning you on....**** that direct stare
don't look at me like that
she gets going after 4
she makes you wait
so if you got it, give to her
give it to me

I handed the world
Every ounce of my innocence

I had them eating it out of my palm
And by the world, I mean you

I have nothing left to give anymore
You miss me
You miss that purity

But a girl will always stay innocent until touched
Until you light that fire within her
Then she’s no longer yours
**** the purity
Keep it
I don’t want it anymore

I kissed goodbye to my youth
She had a good time
But she wants a better time now
And that’s exactly what she’s going to get

The bathroom is ice cold and the house silent
bass popping in your ear
One splayed hand gripping one tensed thigh
Your nails dig in, lilac pretty
-
You *** and it feels warm
So you fight the urge to slip your cold hand under the stream
-
A hard stare in the mirror, seeing too much and nothing much at all
-
You thought it was just that sleep evaded you but something much bigger was chasing you, leaving you
too
All too often
All too much
-
Here you are again.
Does it feel good?

there is so much beauty in our pain

and now i can't breathe because she's all i can see
WHY GOD?....WHY ME??
I know all she wanted to do was sit by the sea.
I admit it, I failed, but even you could see,
how could i have taken her to sea,
when she was afraid of water?

Would you have punished me if i dragged her there against her will?
I thought i was doing right, but apparently not.
and now i'm stumbling and tripping over these stubborn knots that I tie every night just to keep sane and make myself feel like i have no loose threads hanging over my head for fear of a noose swooping down and taking me
so God if you're listening,
save me
before i choke on this word ***** and my sins that threaten to bury me.....save me

Am I alone or just lonely?

Do you know what it feels like to excel at both receiving pain and inflicting it in equal measure?

I wish i was home
In your arms

Against your skin
With the wind
Dancing across my spine

And your fingers
Intertwined in mine

Forever be mine
I love you

————

We don’t quite know eachother yet
And I have spent my life waiting
Waiting for a moment so beautiful
That I can hardly bear to take a breath

Choke me
You’re choking me
The very thought of your existence
Is what I live for

And I’ll carry on this way
Until i find you
Just so I can feel something

We really are a superficial generation, we rely on the amount of Facebook likes on our profile pictures as a determiner of how popular or pretty we are.
Today I got asked 'How many likes did you get on your profile picture?' Does it matter? My beauty is NOT and never will be indicated by the amount of likes I get. Even if I upload a picture of myself on Facebook and no one 'likes' it, what does that mean? that i'm ugly? that no one likes me?
STOP LETTING SOCIAL MEDIA DEFINE YOU.LIKES ARE NOT REAL AND MEAN NOTHING.FACEBOOK IS NOTHING.SOCIAL NETWORKS MEAN NOTHING.STOP LETTING THE INTERNET RULE YOU.BE A FREE HUMAN NOT A SLAVE TO SOCIAL MEDIA.

Heavy breathing

Lip biting
Teeth grinding
Stop writhing

Heavy breathing

my emotions are the fuel to my writing
and boy are they a finite resource
I feel like I  just extract them from my very being and force feed them to my keyboard
maybe my keyboard has turned into a parasite
now i'm addicted to letting my emotions leave me

things never affect me
things have never affected me
until now
and i can't understand what's ******* changed
i'm fighting with myself
to be what i used to be
but it's like my mind is a stubborn *******
so it's gonna continue to **** me over
it's been a week
a ******* week

Everything that is wrong is just so comforting for me
or maybe it's because that's all i have in my life

i'm so alone - nowhere to go
    no one to go to

no one who understands

just one person, but we don't talk anymore

i'm tired of repeating myself anyways
i can't make sense of my thoughts and emotions these days
   an indescribable feeling, but not the kind you wish for

i'm alone
so alone
i need a friend

Did I lose myself or did I gain you?