we tried that old trick
where you seal a crack with gold

you're lying to yourself
it doesn't look pretty

you're lying to yourself
it will never last

so maybe it's time to shatter things into pieces
and go our separate ways




p.s it's funny how you all will still believe that sometimes things have to fall apart to come together again. Think again, those pieces will get swept up and discarded in a lonesome and destructive landfill site. Get real before life forces you to...

and what is life for me?
i don't know yet

i guess i've always known what it could be
i just haven't decided

A few day's ago my father took me out and we ended up taking a stroll down the ever famous memory lane.
Thousands, perhaps millions, had stumbled down this very lane, but to me, I alone had only discovered it.

her bedrooms walls were covered in drawings
and you thought they were made by a sweet little kid
the way they were carelessly scribbled out
but those drawings were not that innocent

they were drawn by your daughter on her darkest nights

look a little closer

the
drawings
are
not
as
innocent
as
you
think

My memories are all I have and I can feel them fading
Unravelling
Slowly dissipating .. the silt of my emotions slipping into realms unknown

I've always wondered about the scenarios the play out in my head without fail several times a day, mostly at night
it's what we want? right?
so why don't we go ahead and make that 'scenario' a reality
we always want to get what we want
so why do we hesitate now?

watching her fall down the metal stairs
step by step
from across the street
was odd

her blood stained hair looked kind of purple under the flickering street light
hm
i think she'd look better with blonde hair
it'd really bring out her eyes

you know, this is something that has really...let's say 'dawned' on me. It may seem obvious but it's something that is practiced with such fluency. The facades we all project, such ease and such guilt-free fun. It's like a sweet lie that you can run alongside in sunny fields with. it's satisfying,highly.
we put on these facades so easily and all it takes is small but effective 'entrances' into your so called life. a little glimpse here and there never did anyone any harm, i mean it's not like it's real.
it's trickery, carried out by the every-man. i'm not who you think i am and you're not who i think you are. we are not multifaceted, we are plain, stripped and devoid of this

i've been wondering if i should write a diary
but is it worth it?

my favourite part of a movie is when the character who's been through a lot walks through a dimly lit city scene or a park alone just thinking about everything and music is playing in the background and it's kinda sad but at the same time they know everything is going to be okay

when you're just walking around, contemplating in such a busy public place you suddenly find yourself aware of each step you take and each breathe you take.

You can feel the cold air fill your lungs and you kind of smile at the sweet memories and you know that despite everything, those memories will keep you alive.

But the pain you feel is intense, it can blind you and suddenly you can't see where you're going anymore. Life doesn't feel real and before you know it, your heart is on your sleeve for the world to see.

i dream of having a piano in front of me so my fingers could dance across the keys instead of my neck

******* ****
you charm everyone
why do you do it?
what do you want?

ALL I DO IS CREATE SHORT TERM REACTIONS, nothing that comes from me is meant to last. When you collided with me, my body didn’t recognise what kind of element you were so I just reacted like usual but **** fizzles out the longer you’re near me. Save yourself, just because I’m reactive don’t let me drain the power out of you. Even after all this time I still can’t work out what you are, prove to me that the true reaction between us isn’t destructive enough to wipe out a city...CAN YOU DO THAT?

I was a fool to think things could be different and just to make **** equal between us...only fools fall for me.

hit's backspace on every true emotion

It's a rich kid party

i don't feel like i exist
or maybe i don't feel like existing

life scares me
i'm overwhelmed
and confused

I miss the essence of him so bad that I’m willing to beg
It would seem I have a desperation inside of me that threatens to escape .. and tear down the crumbly walls of my castle

You don't know what a person feels inside

I've found so much peace in silence
but inside it tears me apart
I have a voice
I want to use it
but my words stutter and fail

When I rub my eyes with a multitude of feelings
Frustration
Excitement
Anger
Sadness
I grit my teeth
     As my mind grows fuller and blanker by the second
Everything pours out
     But nothing is felt or heard...or seen
It's there.....It's always there.

no longer the lonely writer

How do I break the spell?

when I'm on top of you
riding you
at 3am
i throw my head back
just as you scratch my bare back
and grip my hair in your iron tight fist

it's then, at this point
that i want you to drag your fathers blade from the hollow of my throat all the way down to what gave you all this pleasure for 7 years

i hope i look cute when you're finished with me, Doctor .

i really wish i had someone to talk to right now

I place communication within the eyes and the mouth

i could give you a little attention
but not all of it
i mean uh
i could
but i don't need to
but i uh
i want to
and i will
maybe

music seems to push ideas to the front of my mind yet i hate that
music irritates me to no end
the fact it can change my mood and get me to act in a different way
yet i can't see myself going a day without it
i guess it just keeps my mind and thoughts alive and running in some specific way

always disappointed to see my sluttier posts get attention and drive anything meaningful that I show the world into obscurity

Staying up late to write about my emotions is never a good idea

I gain nothing and just get tired
but it’s an addiction I guess, maybe
It’s the act of writing that keeps me coming
Pouring myself into the letters of the alphabet
Even if it means a couple of drops spill

He used to tell me I was young fire

i just wanna get to know you(r dad)

you once told me "if you're unhappy with life or the way things are going, just do the opposite"
-
But what about the impossible? because some things are impossible
and acceptance isn't enough
-
you made it sound so easy
-
is it easy?

ghostly and ghastly, I linger at the table like a harsh whisper
the old halloween decoration that never got taken down

the words scrawled in capitals on the yellow piece of paper bit me

the joy of life is so brief
like the pain of a whip

soft whispers of rain,
hard thunders of sun,
calm animals,
crazy humans

Sometimes the sage just awaits the answer from providence...

Your stomach aches under the weight of your desire and pressure of your sin

we're stuck trying to find a balance between passion and lust
well i am anyway
i'm consumed by desire
i need more
even though i know it's dangerous

I should protect myself

I can't help it
I can't help it
i'm weak
a slave to my desires
i'll **** us up if that's what it takes to get to my sweet release

i'm selfish and the devil inside me needs feeding

haha
in my religion
music is forbidden
because it captivates the heart

it really does

who am I?
I've lost myself
I always thought that i knew myself
it was a medal that i wore proudly


but i guess that was just youthful confidence
it was false and i never knew it
i was false

ive grown up now
maybe i lost myself on the way here

who the hell am i?
i miss myself
i don't even know who that person was
but i miss them so much

come back
please

Love...Love...Love
i need you so much
i already have you
but i need more

what do i need? I need a different kind of love
a kind that i've never tasted

yeah..that's the one
the kind that keeps you awake at night in wonder, scared that it'll leave you

because you love it so much
the feeling
the person
the life

you love it so much
the life you never thought you would love

Treading carefully
Moving with caution and unfamiliarity
Yet moving so in sync
The dance of mistrust.

all i can feel is the change within me
and not much else really

it's called emotional cleansing, look it up

Love me like you love my words

I just wanted to be pretty for you...
was that not enough?

why have we stole glances at each other for a year
a whole year
what is your name?
who am I?
why do you come as close as possible,
clench your jaw,
and look into my eyes?
odd
just another figure looming in the background of my everyday