to be by your side
is such a lovely place to cry

the feeling of your collar brushing against my cheek
The texture of your white shirt
It feels so good on my skin
I can feel your body underneath it
So hard and protective

The sound of your heartbeat in my ear
The feeling of your hand in mine
Your voice in my ear
The warmth between us when you take me in your arms

The softness of your lips when I tried to steal a kiss
The tear stain on your shoulders when you said not now

That thick blue denim underneath my legs when you put me on your lap

That unsureness between two familiar strangers
That deep voice when you tell me I’m pretty

The way I melt into your touch when you run your fingers through my long black hair

Us.

and now i'm grey
so so grey
i barely exist
sometimes you can't even see me
i float around
like a whisper

I exist in my mind
and sometimes in yours when it's late
when the silence gets too much

I wish she was alive
but I fear that her energy would not be so great

-
sometimes I can feel it waning
and I start to think that she is slowly gaining life

--
I know that it scares her
because she starts to feel more ordinary
life looks grey
and beauty is a rare concept

---
she is alive

living is useless
-
what's the use of being good
when we don't exist anymore

It's always 3am
just waiting for something to happen
just waiting to feel something
It's always 3am

not 4am or 5am
it's always 3am

I die each time I **** you

she's all ripped fishnets and random thoughts
fake vampire fangs with a thirst for fun
cherry lips that just pop
flushed cheeks that turn you on
with thoughts as cold as ice

she loves wild fantasies and getting lost in love
she fears growing up
she has no regrets but can't let go of the past

she's on the mind of everyone she meets
they just can't let her go

she's darkness in every way but oh so cute
cold hands hidden in sweater paws
and little cat ears on her head
with a love of violence

he gives me life when he breathes so heavy right into my neck

I used to love talking to you at night when you were in your study
even though we were miles away and I wasn't there it felt like our special place
because you spent all night there talking to me
bridging the gap whilst you were away
and you would tell me so many stories
and find old things in the drawer of your desk
-
and on the other side of the world I was in my childhood bedroom
whispering so my parents couldn't hear
but let's face it, I was always loud
and somehow never got caught
I guess because it was the summer holiday, they knew I didn't have to think about school just yet

I'm coming back but for something different this time
I'm still me....but I want more

What do I want?

I'll let time tell you that

**** this ****  man
there's no emotion in words that are written down
it's monotone
black and white
with no grey areas

i feel so ****** up every time we talk
I don't know if it's a good or bad kind of ****** up

forget about me

did I lose myself or did I gain you?

Sometimes I wonder if this is my becoming or my undoing?

-
maybe the lines have just blurred
maybe they’ve always been blurred

i promise

why is it so hard to just enjoy the moment?
to just be grateful for the life we have right now
in the midst of one success we yearn for more instead of appreciating that moment in time
it's so sad
so much time is wasted instead of being cherished

but would we be any happier if we spent more time appreciating the now?
i don't know
all i know is that it's my worst habit
my successes are short lived and unappreciated because i yearn for more

i wish i could take things slow
but it's hard when it feels like the world is always travelling faster than the speed of light

but then i think to myself why am i racing against time? or racing against this world that I know will never slow down
where does it get me?

something always feels missing from life no matter how full it may seem
i'm tired
so maybe i should slow down

Did I lose myself or did I gain you?

these memories mean nothing, I don't need them anymore
i just sit there and romanticise things that aren't even real

the past isn't real
it was pure imagination

i'll keep telling myself that

I just wanted to be pretty for you...
was that not enough?

You set my soul on fire

Don’t give in
Please

Don’t do this
You can’t do this
Don’t do this to me

You can’t do this to yourself
Be stronger
I believe in you

Everything you feel you need to succumb to, you are not powerless against

I’ll hold your hand
never letting go
I’m here
I’m here
I’m here

i've decided i want the new me
i don't have to forget about the old me just to create a new person
i can just make the old me even better
it'll take some work
but i know it will be so worth it

I wanted to write tonight
to maybe say something beautiful
or something soulful
maybe even passionate

I wanted to captivate somebody with my story
with my words
the way that I could say something

I wanted to give meaning to my ongoing thoughts
maybe some beauty too
but my heart feels really empty
I feel empty overall
I guess my soul doesn't feel all that alive

I am alive and that's it
it doesn't count for much

maybe I thought that writing could be the spark to light my fire again
I wanted it to be the surface that I would strike my one and only matchstick against
but I keep striking it
and striking it
and it's just started to look damaged

I don't want to be grey
in fact i don't have to be grey
i can be LOUD
and leave a burst of colour behind me wherever I go

Why has nostalgia got such a chokehold on me?????

i miss you...

hit's backspace on every true emotion

but i can't live without you

It doesn’t even hurt to break now
I’ve lost all feeling in the places where I’ve shattered and been put back together

and now even if I break more
And shatter into tiny, minuscule, incomprehensible pieces
It just wouldn’t matter at this point
And that’s why it doesn’t hurt

Maybe it’s not a bad thing
To be spared from more pain
But it would be nice to feel something sometimes
Even if it is searing hot pain

To know that I’m alive
To know that I feel

who am I?
I've lost myself
I always thought that i knew myself
it was a medal that i wore proudly


but i guess that was just youthful confidence
it was false and i never knew it
i was false

ive grown up now
maybe i lost myself on the way here

who the hell am i?
i miss myself
i don't even know who that person was
but i miss them so much

come back
please

the joy of life is so brief
like the pain of a whip

I knew you would leave
Everyone always leaves

You hated that you didn’t have all of me
But could you blame me?
You wanted all of me because of your impatience, because of your own curiosity

You demand and I’m supposed to supply?

You never loved me
If you loved me then even having a part of me would mean something

I
I love you
In some way
And to even have a scrap of you meant everything to me

I never put you on a pedestal
But that’s love to me

You never loved me
You never loved me
You never loved me

You never love me
You never love me the way I deserve to be loved

in all of this did I lose myself? Or did I gain you?

Whatever it was, it was fleeting
Like it always has been
Like we always are

Thanks for all the good times I guess
But it’s time you learnt your place

You will cease to exist to me
You never gave me what I deserved
But i promise I will give you just that
And I mean that
I feel it
Truly
With no more regret or sadness

I’ll miss you for whatever stupid reason
But I know that if I lost myself again, I’d miss me a whole lot more

Goodbye, A

push me to my limit
I just don't care
i never cared
not once
destroy me
push me to my limit
till i can't breathe

hold me close against your chest
feel my heart race
my short breath
we're on fire
thing's don't seem real anymore
blurred lines
you cross every line
feel the danger
explore the space in between black and white

don't dry my tears
don't muffle my cries
make me scream
feel the fear
voices in my head
are they real?

shout at me
hit me
be sweet to me
am i really your baby\?

take it to the next level
i want extreme
this isn't real
it can't be

i'm trying to get to you
i'm so scared
help me find my way
those veins
i won't trace them to find my way

i'm hot
and you're laughing
your name won't leave my lips
your eyes, they're blown out

is that blood?

I want to feel
I’ll do anything
Just to feel something

The stakes are high
But that turns me on
I have so much to lose
And nothing to gain

It’s all in the eyes
Can’t you tell I’m bluffing?

Why do I feel so empty?
I’m so bored
So blank
Emotionless
Monotone
Confused
Barely surviving, hanging by a thread
A slave to my desires

Why?
Help me understand

Is anybody out there?
Can you hear me?
I could use some company right now
Small talk or life stories
Anything

Maybe we don’t have to talk about those things

I just need to get lost in something...someone

I wish I could watch every moment of my life so far like a movie

I mean, I don't know what good that would do but I don't have a purpose for this
I just want to see things that I could not remember

I want more depth
I want to see things
and chew on them
I want answers
I just want to see



I guess I do have a purpose for this

I hate who I am
I hate who I have become

I wasn’t always like this
Or I guess I was never as bad as this

Maybe that is why my past haunts me
I lost something I once had
Something that came so naturally

I lost myself in many ways

But at the same time I’ve changed in so many ways for the better
Well better to some
Sometimes I feel like even the changes that are “positive” are not truly positive for me and who I am

I needed things to stay the same so i could be the same
I know change is good
But I feel like somewhere along the way I messed up and now I can’t even stand being around myself

Looking to the past is like undoing everything that has lead me up to the present day me
It’s like I can forget all the days leading up to my demise

Looking for somebody that's batshit crazy
like f*cking insane

hmu if this is you <3

BUT I DON'T WANT THE HELP
I NEED TO DO THIS MYSELF
I HAVE IT IN ME TO LOVE MYSELF

NO ONE CAN HELP ME
I'M ALONE AND I LOVE IT
I'M ALONE IN THIS STRUGGLE AND THAT'S HOW IT SHOULD BE

SOMEHOW I'LL REWIRE MYSELF AND TURN THE LIGHTS IN ME BACK ON
SOMEHOW I'LL FIND MY COLOUR AGAIN
SOMEHOW I'LL KEEP TRYING

JUST GIVE ME TIME
GIVE ME TIME
TO LOVE MYSELF AGAIN

Just for one day
please
i just don't want to think

please
i need it to stop
i need to breathe

i need time on my own
to recover and become whole again

give me time
give me space to breathe

In the leaking sieve of our bodies,
we carry the blood of our love

can anyone hear me?
or am i just screaming in to the void

I fell for a man I couldn't have been with, ever
I fell for a Man I shouldn't have been with ever
polar opposites
the world was against us

growing up i was fascinated by the feeling of your head breaking through the water's surface
now i'm addicted to the feeling of drowning

no that's too violent, too extreme - it's not like that at all

more like falling
or floating

just letting myself fall, deeper and deeper
the sound of the world getting more and more faint
the more i fall
but it's okay because everything is so calm, so peaceful and so still

in liquid, the world freezes for me
i become fluid, the only thing that moves
the only constant thing

something that i can focus on
the feeling of falling
while the world stops around me

it's too late to try and swim back up to the surface
even if i wanted to
i can't even panic
because nothing matters at that point
the damage is done
i may be moving but my body, my mind is still

I’m dreaming of being a fairy
Ethereal and other worldly
With not a care in the world

What would I do you ask?

I’d run through forests, mystical and teeming with energy
I’d bathe in a little lake under the beaming sun
Then find myself in a meadow where I could lay in the grass ****
Borrowing energy from Mother Earth
Everyday