on a Sunday afternoon I told him that I love him
it took him by surprise
but he said he loves me too
and I know that he truly meant it

I meant it too
I felt every emotion that comes with love and I felt it deeply
It does not matter to me that I have no idea whether it’s platonic or romantic love
It’s still love
And it felt good…it feels good
I went where my emotions lead me to and for once it wasn’t to a dark place

I feel happy
A love that’s not defined
It’s just pure

A person once said to me ‘what is love?’ and they didn’t ask it as a question because it just can’t be questioned
and at the time I didn’t understand but I do now

there isn’t an answer or a definition

today a tear slipped down my face, out of happiness
I have learnt a lot of lessons and I’m glad that I stayed alive to learn them and to keep feeling

I will complain about life tomorrow but at least I felt today. At least I have the hope that I will feel again another day

Thank you for letting me feel the warm rays of happiness on my skin once again

I’m dreaming of being a fairy
Ethereal and other worldly
With not a care in the world

What would I do you ask?

I’d run through forests, mystical and teeming with energy
I’d bathe in a little lake under the beaming sun
Then find myself in a meadow where I could lay in the grass ****
Borrowing energy from Mother Earth
Everyday

I fell for a man I couldn't have been with, ever
I fell for a Man I shouldn't have been with ever
polar opposites
the world was against us

and now i can't breathe because she's all i can see
WHY GOD?....WHY ME??
I know all she wanted to do was sit by the sea.
I admit it, I failed, but even you could see,
how could i have taken her to sea,
when she was afraid of water?

Would you have punished me if i dragged her there against her will?
I thought i was doing right, but apparently not.
and now i'm stumbling and tripping over these stubborn knots that I tie every night just to keep sane and make myself feel like i have no loose threads hanging over my head for fear of a noose swooping down and taking me
so God if you're listening,
save me
before i choke on this word ***** and my sins that threaten to bury me.....save me

i wish my heart could speak for itself
and not have to rely on my fingers to communicate its feelings

i wish my mind could control me
instead of you

I wish i didn't stay up until the stars no longer recognised me
so my soul could rest

i wish miscommunication didn't happen
so i could be happy

i wish....that you could touch me right now and make my reality disappear for a few hours

i wish i didn't have these thoughts
these little self destructive thoughts that ask for trouble
lie awake with me
take my pain away

inject me with life

but when you're gone
i regret everything
it makes me sick

and then i yearn for you once again

when i move against you
i'm alive again

Kids from broken homes
with broken dreams
and wishes that they could just fade away

I try to ignore it
sometimes i can't

so i lash out
and hurt everyone around me
and make them relive the pain they already live with

then we pretend
we pretend that life is okay again
for a couple of days
or if we're lucky, a whole week

you've ****** me up and i'm the only one i can blame

Hits backspace on every thought and emotion

When I’m happy I feel like it’ll last forever
But it never does

i guess i ****** about too much

We always betray ourselves

Separation is a poets wealth

ghostly and ghastly, I linger at the table like a harsh whisper
the old halloween decoration that never got taken down

Please kindly do not perceive me, I am not real. I am a concept

Well ****

i really wish i had someone to talk to right now

She is very much alive
and the only thing that occupies her mind is how much she doesn't want to be

- - -
she knows that this thought is wrong
but all she cares about is her beautiful energy
it's lost
somewhere in the ether

- -
she is starting to accept her fate
but living is strange to her

-
she is alive

What did my crazy, innocent heart ever do to end up in such an imperfect vessel?

I miss the essence of him so bad that I’m willing to beg
It would seem I have a desperation inside of me that threatens to escape .. and tear down the crumbly walls of my castle

Simplicity is tainted by our foolish and selfish desire to change what is pure

Even though I knew all along

After a night of reflection I realised we have different nights and mornings

Polar opposites
we'll never be the same
we'll never see eye to eye
and i never wanted us to be the same
i never wanted to live as equals
but it hurts
it hurts to realise we'll never understand each other
each breath we take near each other is lost in translation
each thought that dares to escape our minds threatens to tear us apart
misunderstanding left us destroyed and in despair
and now all i can do is sit here
and reflect
i couldn't love myself so i tried to find love in you
but i sat
and i reflected
and i realised
we have different nights and mornings
we weren't meant to work
we never were

and so my fluttering stream of consciousness leaves me open and bare to judgment and stares

as if my actions didn’t already beat it to the chase

What would have happened if I never ran away?

Man it’s tough being this **** and depressed

W H A T    W E N T   W R O N G   W I T H   M E
       MAYBEIAMAPERFECTMISTAKE
ORMAYBEIAMJUSTNOTHING

searching for answers i guess

My skin is on fire
Burning with sin

Let’s burn together

I so desperately want to be held but I can’t take being hugged these days
When did everything get so broken and confusing and broken and broken and broken and confusing and

It’s the knife in my own holster .. and the blood spilt holds no value either

Loneliness bit at me like the coldness of snow in 2008

how do I always end up here? back at the same place
my life seems to keep coming full circle
I suppose I only have myself to blame

why why why why why why why why why

there is an energy to her walk
there is life in her every step
and when she turns to leave
she leaves an aura of death trailing after her

she is intoxicating
because she is focused

as she walks all she can think about is her beauty
she does not need to worry about her surroundings
she knows everybody is taken in by her

---
the world disappears when she walks
she is once again surrounded by beauty
intoxicated by her own beauty
and the life that radiates off of her

--
she is sure of herself
confident
magnetic
charismatic
and
electric
-
she's not alive though

you're the closest thing i ever had to intimacy , maybe that's why i refuse to let go
every part of me is sickened by you
but i crave you in equal measure

do i love you because i love you?
or do i love you because you've been here since i was a child?
because i don't know anything else but you?

you're the closest thing to home
the thing is, home to me has always been somewhere i've ran away from
but i never forget home

These days I feel more anger than sadness
Never let myself lose control
Like punching a wall, breaking everything around me
But it feels really tempting now

To see the destruction inside myself
To see it in front of me
To see it in the flesh
For it to feel real

Would it make me feel any different?
Or it just release masked as more pain? Because in that case, my cup is overflowing and my bladder is full

C H E R R Y

I feel stuck

life feels so empty ... nothing feels real
do i even exist? i don't know what to do with myself ...truly i don't

why is everything moving so fast
i just want time to exist and nothing else

You can never run away from yourself

if we traced the white lines on this cracked mirror
i'm sure we'd both find the x

I handed the world
Every ounce of my innocence

I had them eating it out of my palm
And by the world, I mean you

I have nothing left to give anymore
You miss me
You miss that purity

But a girl will always stay innocent until touched
Until you light that fire within her
Then she’s no longer yours
**** the purity
Keep it
I don’t want it anymore

I kissed goodbye to my youth
She had a good time
But she wants a better time now
And that’s exactly what she’s going to get

Expert poets huh? If poetry was perfect it wouldn’t exist
You can’t follow a method
Just follow your heart, that one thought that is always on your mind, the drag of your pen against a surface, the long sigh after a hard day, the feeling of skin against yours, the feeling of a feverish Sunday afternoon nap, just follow the feeling of running away with a day dream

And you’ll be just fine

i love the darkness within us
why won't you unleash it a little more?

In my dreams
You weren’t real
You were perfect
You weren’t human

It felt so real
But you weren’t

I wanna fall in love

stolen glances, natural charisma, that connection with someone, we're so into each other, heart beating fast
the promise of something new after meeting a stranger
the promise of something so beautiful

run away with my dreams
you're in my mind

you make me sick


so why do i still miss you?

i really do just exist in my mind these days

Now I’m laying here, ******* on the floor
I tried to fill the void  

Fingers sticky with my sin
I feel empty

I guess this wasn’t the answer after all

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate my self

Your stomach aches under the weight of your desire and pressure of your sin