I am home today
Free to wrap myself
In music and poetry and daydreams

But instead I am avoiding schoolwork
And fighting off a runny nose
And hoping against hope
That someone will notice that I'm gone.

contenment, n.
driving down the road,
staring out the window,
listening to music you're ashamed to love

making promises to yourself
that you have no intentions
of fulfilling because it's all just as well,
varying your breathing in order to remind yourself
that you are indeed alive,
smiling at the fact that you are alive and seemingly well

missing the way things used to be
but being okay with the way things are,
speaking the names of the beautiful people in your life
and hoping they know how
beautiful they truly are.

Not to be confused with happiness.

I look this word up next.

happiness, n.
the sun peeking through the clouds,
holding hands and being kissed on the forehead,
dreams that make you wake up with a smile as big as Texas,
inside jokes,
shared looks,
best friends,
secret dreams,
favorite songs

fulfilling one of those promises
you made to yourself finally
and the results aren't quite
what you expected but good enough

fleeting,
never to be trusted,
never to be believed,
possibly nonexistent.

Never to be confused with joy.

One last word.

joy, n.
driving down the road,
watching raindrops race down the window,
stopping to play as it falls,
listening to music that makes you melt,
music you resolve to share with everyone you meet

never making promises to yourself
but learning that whatever will be, will be
(que sera sera, hakuna matata, shut the hell up and let God -- or whatever else you believe in-- work)
taking deep breaths and knowing that you are lucky to be alive,
that you were meant to be alive

knowing that things have never been better than they are
in that moment and may never be
and thus, savoring every laugh every smile every second,
calling the names of the beautiful people in your life
and reminding them that they
are beautiful wonderful loved
and that they always always have you

perfect,
long lasting,
trustworthy,
best friends forever,
shared dreams,
loud laughs,
summer nights,
quiet moments of solitude

incomparable to anything else
and therefore impossible to confuse

I put the dictionary down
and realize that I have no
definite idea of where I am.

This could possibly be the
most amusing or the most
frightening thought
I've had in a while.

Tonight I will close my eyes
and remember that there are people
more beautiful than I,
more purposeful than I have ever been,
more wonderful than I could dream.

And tonight I will close my eyes
with a prayer falling from my lips
because they are also
more broken than I,
more afraid than I have ever been,
more lost than I could dream.

Why is it that all the best
suffer all the worst?

So much
for
fairness.

They say you don't always
get what you want but that
you always get what you need.

Let's hope that's true.
Meanwhile I'll just have
to convince myself of this:

I don't need you
I don't need you
*I never needed you

I'm probably too late now.
He's probably given up, thinking
I'm too difficult or inexperienced
or he probably thinks I'm not interested.

When he hugs me, it probably means
nothing more than the hugs he gives
every single other person in his life now.

Maybe I should just give up, too,
because at least I know that this works.

I'm unusually talented when it comes
to being
alone.

You never lied.
I was always yours
Just as you said.

But I think I told a fib
Maybe two
Because I fear now
That you never belonged to me.

He wakes in the night,
Screaming and thrashing
Fighting invisible monsters
That intrude the air.

And then, of a sudden,
Moved by a terror unknown
He begins to cry, shrill and broken.

For lost time and
Innocence and
For sleep, he cries.

He closes his eyes once again
And rests his head, only to reawaken
And fight the monsters that have returned.

Sadly this cannot be remedied.
He will live his entire life afraid
And it hurts me to see him so.