I crave the attention of a lover
Someone who will cherish my existence
Someone who will notice when I haven't replied
Someone who will miss me after I've just left
I crave the attention of a lover
who looks at me like the prized piece at a museum,
one that is guarded off
I crave the attention of a lover
who will break boundaries just to get to me
Someone who will burn holes in my skin with his fingers
Someone who will set off dynamite with his kiss
Someone who will love me to the very depths of the sea to the point where fish do not even dare to swim because of the surface pressure
I crave the attention of a lover
A lover who looks a lot like you

Lost in my mind, I am swarmed by my thoughts like an angry mob of bees who's hive has just been knocked down
Bumping me left and right, up and down
I dream of a mind as peaceful as a meadow,
As clear as a river,
As calm as a lake
A mind where my thoughts flow easily
Although instead I am in the middle of the traffic of my mind
Thoughts like cars rushing by or completely stopped
Laying on their horns drowning out any sanity I had left
These thoughts fight against me and I wonder who could possibly win in a battle against myself
I dream of a mind where my thoughts are wiping away worries and gently push me into cloud 9
I wake from this imaginary inspiration and only feel the sting of the bees piercing my skull and keeping me from ever settling this war with my own head
There is no way to escape from yourself
That is one thing I have learned
And the hardest of all

In a shady garage that lays down a long driveway, an old man sits, hands on his knees, and smile as big as ever. He smiled as if it was the only thing keeping him alive
He told stories of when he was in high school, the dumb things he and his friends did and how each dumb thing had a later lesson that impacted who he became
He looks down at his hands and smiles once more, lighter this time and more gentle. Like someone when the bottled up anxiousness starts boiling over in a quiet room. He says, "I used to think that life was about conquering the world but now that I'm older I learned it wasn't worth conquering, it was more about enjoying it, appreciating it."
He paused for a moment. I imagine he was thinking of times when he didn't. When he wasted away his integrity and watch his pride shatter on the floor. When his hands trembled with fear over something he wasn't sure he really regretted.
As the tension evaporated, slipped through wet footsteps from wet feet getting out of the pool, he smiled again
He smiled like it was he only thing keeping it alive
And now looking back, perhaps it was

I want to feel this way all of the time

The way I feel when I am with you is beyond heavenly. I do not even realize the blood rushing to my cheeks when you smile. You have no idea of the joy that it brings me to see your eyes beam like green traffic lights as your lips curled upwards, please never stop smiling, I would not mind feeling this way forever. Your tussled hair and serene disposition. How could someone not want you. I watch you as you drive and wonder if this could become habitual. I have never craved a passenger seat so much.  I taught myself not to believe in love. It was only a puddle that was pretending to be as remarkable as an ocean. You will get the bottom of your jeans wet and have to walk around in little puddles after you step out, the ones that form in your socks with every step you feel the memory of water. I am not sure why you do this to me, but then again I see exactly why. You light up when you laugh, you are charming and I want to be rescued, your breathing is a melody, I could listen to it on repeat, please never stop breathing, I would not mind feeling this way forever. I know the risk but I am willing to walk on a tight rope with a blindfold if you happen to be waiting on the other side with your hand folded out. Palm sweat evaporating into the breeze, the one that is trying to trip me up and knock me over. And though this all sounds crazy, if only you knew the way you make me feel when I am with you. It is beyond heavenly.

I want to feel this way all of the time

You can't know how this works unless you've lived it
People can throw out advice like colorful beads at Mardi Gras
But they will evidently always end up stored away
Somewhere they will not be used
Though that are beautiful and desired on some days
I do not wear them as jewelry
I have discovered that loving someone is not black or white
There is grey area everywhere you turn
You start to wonder if you wasted the colors by mixing them
There is no poetic way of putting it
When you love someone and they do not love you in return
It is only a slippery ***** of constant down fall
You often hit rocks and edges
But never hit the ground
There is an adrenaline to it
Falling through the air, bruising your shoulders
The air in times like this is a precious poison
I try not to breathe too quickly
Often hold my breath when you are in the room
I am sorry you cannot hear me when I am talking
It is only because I have found this love
More comfortable
Under my breath

At the end of a wallpaper hallway you stand, bare and broken with a silver key in your hand
You can hardly believe that it has been this long since you have returned
So long that you haven't forgotten the very smell of this building
It used to be bitter, stained with take-out food and cigarettes
Now, however, you find yourself taking bigger breaths in efforts to reminisce
It's funny how some things that used to be so terrible, bring back the sweetest of memories
You think of walking downtown, the streets were littered and the sidewalks were cracked
But when he was with you, God, the sky could be falling and you would somehow still feel so safe
Now, however, you find yourself walking with your hands tucked into your chest
Never in your pockets for fear that you could not slip them out to defend yourself
Things have changed now, you see pictures of the person you love with someone else
It's a feeling that not even the most intricate of words could describe
For fear that the pages would actually bleed and it is hard to read in red now
You think of the roses that you picked up, bare stem, letting the thorns cut into your hands
You think of his hands, how holding them, everything was possible
There was something about him that made you believe in yourself
You had hope for what was ahead, no matter the obstacle, you had guidance
Now, however, you find yourself getting lost more often than usual
When you lose your sense of direction, you love everything
At the end of a wallpaper hallway you stand, bare and broken with a silver key in your hand
And you can hear her laughing from inside
You can hear him breathing

Someone stopped to tell me that I was beautiful today
A complete stranger, someone who crossed my path for a second but decided they could not leave satisfied without spilling out a compliment into my lap
I wasn't sure how to pick it up at first
I smiled and said thank you, combing a piece of hair behind my ear, trying to hide the timidity in my posture
Thank you, to whoever you are

Guard your heart
Be careful who you love
We walk into infatuation like it is something playful and lovely
And at first it really is
But be careful on the second step
You will trust their hands
Fingers playing with one another as if the sweat between them will for some sort of prayer
For every finger that we let loosen, another knuckle grows back crooked
Do not hold his hand for too long
When water starts to gather in your palms, let go
Wipe them on your jeans, put your hands in your pockets
Be careful on the third step
They will show you how to swim and then throw you in the deep end
You will have no warning, nothing to catch you but the pool floor
They will smile at you from the top
Do not hold your breath
Let the air clear from your lungs
Vacancy was always something you were accustomed to
Sink to the bottom, memorize the feeling, the texture of the ground
When your lungs start to fill with water, swim to the top
Your hear will race but fall at the same time when you see him with someone else, do not let it take you
Do not let it take you
Guard your heart for the next time

I have forgotten all of the arms I have lain in
I do not fully remember the tastes of lips
Or the temperature of warmth some have offered me
I do not fully remember where the lines traced on my skin are
Or where they lead to
They are a road not traveled by many
I have forgotten the small love affairs between the coffee shop worker and the glimpse of a boy I once loved in my dream
I am forgetful of many past lovers
But never forgetful of you
I have memorized the geography you sketched on my back
I have been searching for your degree of heat, though I have not found one that can compare
Your taste lived faintly in my mouth
Digging under my tongue
I am not in love with you, only the way you can hold me up when I am broken into pieces that do not fit together
I have forgotten multitudes
But I regrettably cannot seem to erase you
From my mind

We were a fever, burning up, sweat dripping down your back
Drinking tea, sleeping in, warm and watchful of the dawn
We were on fire for a short time
This is the worst recovery I have ever known

And as of now I have finally realized
I was drunk off of only you
And you were only drunk

I had a dream
that your love for me was deemed authentic
it was suddenly real and possible
I watched your affection for her fade like a summer sunset
when the day was feeling too long
We yearned for stars but were only fed clouds
I had a dream
that my feet did not trip over themselves at the sound of her name
because it was followed by the sound of mine
leaping up above it
I had a dream
that your hands opened up, fingers intertwining with mine
letting not even the evening breeze separate this immaculate fantasy
I had a dream
that you held me like the hemming in a backyard hammock
the crackling of a forest fires romance
the peak of midnight hit my body
like a hammer hitting a nail
with no intention to hit it again
I know that this was only a dream
because reality was standing in my doorway this morning
looking me in the face
I had a dream that you loved me
But I woke up knowing that you stilled loved her

She is everything you'd ever want
And I am nothing of that
And even though every time I look
in the direction of both of you
I crack like an old sidewalk
dark and tough yet fragile
I shatter like a mirror that has had enough
Even though it bruises everything in me
I will still say that I am happy for you
And I am
You deserve to be happy
Even if it does not include  me
And I am willing to smile in the name of you and her
Simply because you deserve to be happy
And you are
**And that is all I want for you

I have found myself discovering new hobbies to release the things inside of my head
Drawing, painting, writing, playing music
Anything to let these thoughts escape without me having to say them out loud
I wonder how many times people have used a pen or paintbrush because they can't pull the trigger either
You have drained the life out of me and then called it romance
And it was beautiful despite the desolation I am in now
So I am using the left over scraps from my body to create new homes
And though they are only models, I am learning to love the girl you left behind nonetheless
I know that one day I won't have to fight to be alright
Let these callused hands find rest in mapping their way out on paper
Making new exits out of these woods that your shoes have never touched
I will bleed and blister in cutting these things down
But I have learned that in order to make a new way
You have to go through the trouble of doing so
So I will draw these trees, paint them, write about them
And sing with their inhabitants
With hopes that this love song might somehow travel to you
I just hope you'll be listening

I think too many people try to fall in love
Everyone has made it to be a painful feeling
A feeling of incompleteness and constantly worrying if they love you just as much as you love them
My advice to you, don’t be afraid to fall in love
It is not so much painful, just risky
If you like living life close to the center, no edges, no chance of slipping or tripping over your own feet to tumble down into the unknown
Or would rather walk on the sidewalk than the street
I would suggest that you do be careful
Because love is tightropes
Love is knocking you over
But love is trusting that person to help you back up
Love is dangerous, or else it wouldn't be so fun
No one looks forward to doing rational things
The speed limit is over rated
I think love is no seat belts or headlights
Love is no safety net, love is never knowing is someone is actually going to catch you but trusting that they're paying enough attention to
Too many people today, try not to fall in love
My advice to you is, do not be afraid to fall in love
It is the greatest mistake you can ever make

I often wonder
That when you are drunk
Do you crave someone
Or do you crave anyone

I want to be a poem
Drawn out using long words and comas
Penciled before penned in case you write me wrong
Find a spark in me and write about it
Write down all the words and phrases that come to your mind when I cross it
Think about what you want to achieve
Will I be one for the books or just another in your leather notebook filled with other girls names
Let the creativity flow like a river after it has been drowned in the rain, pushing the excess water it can no longer hold
Use concrete imagery and vivid descriptions
Paint all of the abstract concepts like you are painting your favorite piece of artwork in black and white
Use poetic devises to enhance the beauty in meaning
Add a sharp turn at the end
Leave the reader hanging
Read over me, memorize every punctuation
Bring me to life and read me out loud
Bring rhythm to my every syllable and make me a song
Edit my body if it does not suit you
Make any changes that you see fit
If I do not rhyme, do not fret
Even blank verse poetry can be beautiful
I believe all poetry is a work of art
I want you to see me in a frame
Why else did you think I asked you to write me down?

you're right there
right in front of me
not even 3 feet away
although you and I are
miles and miles apart
my heart is on my sleeve
& yours is tucked away
in your blue jeans
each second crawled by
still I lost count
I tried to listen to your words
but all I could hear was myself
getting choked up
trying not to stare at you
was like trying to avoid
a flaming sunset on one of the
last days of your life
trying to forget you was like
trying to forget my own name
it's engraved into my mind
it's glued to the walls of my heart
my arms constantly crave to in yours
how can I avoid your smile
when it's the only thing I love
in the **world

I want you and you want her and there is really nothing else to it

A sudden collision creates a storm within you
You see him falling in love with someone else
Watching it like a movie in black and white
You never thought he would paint on someone else's body
Color has turned to grey because being artwork often involves inspiration and he was yours
Your stomach turns, spinning in circles
You remember dancing in the kitchen
The memories claw themselves up your throat and you find yourself talking about him with your friends
And they will smile, gently, and see nothing more but innocent reminiscence
While your mind evolves into a tornado
Destroying everything that doesn’t have his name on it
Getting up in the morning is no longer refreshing because somehow being alive is more painful and pretending to be lifeless
Your dreams are filled with people who are not him and you convince yourself that science has nothing to do with this
They say that when someone appears in your dreams, it means that they are missing you
So I have come to the conclusion that I am found in yours quite often
And I hate science because it fools you into believing that there is a cure to loving someone, that going out with friends and trying to forget him will eventually follow through but it never does
Your bathroom floor suddenly becomes a habitual wasteland
The tile carving itself into the bottom of your thighs where his hands used to be
You think that maybe if you just play pretend
Like a child playing dress up
Wear your favorite clothes and act as if they are your favorite for a reason other than the fact that he loved you in them
Tighten your necklace to where it is almost suffocating you and cutting into your skin
Remind yourself that storms pass
And start preparing yourself to clean up the mess that he has left

You
The 10 letter name that never leaves my mind
I keep you trapped inside my head like a little kid
traps a caterpillar in the palm of their hands
You were the missing piece to my puzzle
That one that let you know exactly what you were looking at
You made my picture beautiful
Illuminating each edge, filling each blank crescent with color
and I was in love with the colors of your rainbow
I fell in love with you a lot faster than I'd expected
I memorized each curve, each insecurity, I loved
The way your eyes squint when you smile
How you never fail to look at the ground when you're laughing
As if you're trying to hide something
The way you say her name
Your precise tone and articulation
Sometimes I like to talk about you
like you're the one that got away
sort of like you're on a trip somewhere and you're coming back
I'm sorry I have not forgotten how to see you as beautiful
I still have your paintings hanging on my wall
and I have not yet brought myself to taking them down
But when I do, I'll return them to you
just as you gave them to me
maybe she needs a little color of yours too

My arms are wide
Capturing fire as the wind blows
When I am with you I feel as if I can take flight at any moment
And I am still unsure if it is because you lift me up
to where I can smell the clouds
Or if you are about to push me
Over the edge

There are so many things that I could apologize for
but today I finally realized
I have been apologizing for far too many things
that were not my fault
but yours

There comes a point in everyone's life
When their body is heavy, weighed down from love
They have just discovered what it is like to sleep alone again
And how it is one of the hardest things to remember how to do
At this time people say, "Get back out there and you will find someone to make you forget all about them," or
"There are plenty fish in the sea, so cast out your line."
These words are very encouraging but they are not what I want to hear
I do not want to throw myself at people and try to convince them I am good enough for them to love
I am staying patient in this purgatory, I am enduring lack of oxygen
Learning to breath underwater, learning new things
I am doing things now I would never have done without the heartache
When I say I am waiting for love, I mean I am waiting for myself to stop wanting it
I think it is beautiful, something we live to discover
But I have been spending too much time looking for it
I want a love more than clandestine love letter and sharing umbrellas in the rain
A love not just made up of syllables or words that sound nice
I want someone who I can talk with about the shade of a cloud or how I feel when I step in freshly cut grass or how when I got home I looked down at my hands and saw theirs
Our kisses would be impossible slow
So to my future lover
I am waiting to write you down in cursive ink
I am waiting for you to hand me the pen

There is a boy
His skin is a warm dawn on the eastern mountains
His smile is the flick of a match in isolated darkness
He does not hold to the world, only the people of it
He cares for those with heavy hearts
But deep love is not one among his many skills
He never really fell, only tripping others to fall into him
I do not know how to leave him alone
So for now, I will wait here, collecting dust,
if only it means I will touch some of his particles that fall on the floor

So often we look behind us to check if someone if following
To check is someone is creeping
To check if someone is watching
Also common, we in front of us to see what there is ahead
To take a small peek at the future
To make advancements on your dream
Maybe it's time to look beside us
To see who are real friends are
To help those who are walking too slow
To help those who can't walk on their own

I have an addiction
Though I hate to admit it
And cannot audibly say this
I have an addiction
I know the consequences
And I understand the risks
Though walking on a tight rope
Has always been more exciting
Than walking on a bridge
And I figure it always will be

Lately I've been feeling a vague sense of unease and an unshakable feeling that love was never meant for someone like me
Love is some obsession I have
I crave to be admired and wanted but once I get someone who does this they never seem to be right
Love is a sea we swim in but always climb out when the water splashes in our face and our fingers prune
Love is careful with whom Love lets others hold them
Like a newborn child, someone who is not ready to be so gentle simply cannot handle the responsibility
As I sit in this cage with my feet dangling in the pool
I miss how the water felt
But now I can only barely skim it with my toes
Do not forget how the body needs to feel something
Do not take that feeling for granted
Like I did

I am here today
I am alive and breathing
a man somewhere in a hospital bed has a machine
breathing for him
I am here today
with clothes on my back
while a child is using news papers as blankets
I am here today with the ability to eat and drink at my leisure
while a child in west africa tries to remember what it feels like
to have food touch their taste buds
what clean water might taste like
I am here today
with education
while a teenager is sent to war reluctantly
because education came after victory
I am here today
and I could die any second
and so could all of us
So I urge that you do not take your life for granted
If you are sad and lonely
and feel as if no one cares for you at all, I do
If you are angry and mislead by everything
it's going to be alright
If you love someone, tell them
If you have negative people in your life
get rid of them, today
I am here today
and I am only promised that much
for tomorrow is only hours away
but I do not know
if I will get there or not

I've discovered a kiss means nothing until it means everything
A spark is not authentic until there is a fire
A lighter is nothing without the fluid that makes a flame
Now all that lingers is lips on lips
And nothing more than that

There is something so heart-wrenching
About having dinner with yourself
Sitting down, and the waiter asks,
"Are you expecting someone?"
They will say this with a smile
Because they are used to the answer being yes
You will reach down into your gut
Scrounge for a decent ****** expression
That does not make it seem like their words have cut you open
"No," you sigh, "I am not"
They nod and pick up the plate and silverware across from you
And that's when you really feel it
That’s when it hits you like a brick
crashing through wind shield
And the calamity will be new to you
You will not see it coming, how can you ever?
At the end of the meal, you will get your check
And suddenly you miss the disputes on who will pay
The sweet argument that will never get old
In the moment, the frustration would build
But it was one that you could smile at
And you know that many things happen in your life
That you think should not
But they did anyways
And here you are
Paying your bill in silence

Loving you is the closest I have ever felt to flying
Yes, of course, I've been on an airplane and have jumped on a trampoline
I have had short lived experiences of being airborne
But loving you is long and drawn out flight
It feels as if the hands on my clock have arthritis
Like a bottle rocket pressing between my lips
Counting down the seconds that pass exceedingly slow
Waiting for the explosion
For the collision of my lips to yours
I have been waiting for far too long it seems
But maybe time is yet again using me as a martyr to prove that it does not care for your disposition or circumstance
Time only arrives when it knows it is needed
Time is never late or early
I am soaring through this love with only me, myself, and I
And I am waiting for the day where you believe that you too, can fly

if only I had the second chance
if only the cards were in my favor
if only life were as simple as air
I promise that I would love you
like I have always wanted to be loved
I would give you my sole endeavor
to always keep you smiling
I never want to see a distorted disposition
you deserve to be happy all the time
so if I am not included in your happiness
that is okay
just as long as you are
always
**happy

I never thought I would fall in love with you
You are the unobtainable, best friend
You are captain friend zone (or you were)
You are sweet candy that will rot my teeth
You are sneaking out my window at night with the understanding that I've already been caught
You are risking it anyways
I never thought I would fall in love with you
Because you are so annoying
But oddly enough, I crave you
I crave you in the mornings when I wake up to a cold room
I crave you at night when my mind refuses to sleep because thoughts of you are like caffeine
You have the audacity to be beautiful even when everything around you is not
I never thought I would fall in love with you
But I think I did anyways

The most horrifying thing
I have ever discovered
is that the way he feels about her
is the same way I feel about him

The day he breaks your heart, wait until you get home to cry
Wait until the early hours of the morning when you know you should already be asleep
Trying to dream about someone who is not him
You will want to leave the world because he is the one who showed it to you
The sky will crack with dawn and it will feel like it's been years since you have spoken to him when it has only been a day
Things have changed now
You are no longer his star guiding the way
He is walking away from you with another girl who is nothing like you
He has committed a ****** and he doesn't even know it
When the pain subsides while you're out with friends and you feel like you're over him cherish the moment
Do not let the thought of him kissing her take away from the joy in front of you
It will be the hardest thing to do
To let go of a love that has already gone
I have learned it is hard to push something away from you when it is holding on to your sleeve
He and you still talk daily
It is a knife to the heart but you are doing it to anyways, letting the agony rest on the collarbones
Inner wars rage against the thought of you not talking to him anymore
You know in your mind that by now you should be stronger than this
You are stronger than everything except yourself
Let the mirror break your integrity
Your palms are sweaty, shaking with the regret of letting him slip through your fingers
And he would swear you let him go because you wanted to do it
He would swear you were over him by now
But what he never understood was your miscommunication
You're an introvert by nature and sometimes you just need to be by yourself
Go get lost in the forest and swear you will come back
You will find your way back home somehow
But you never did
You saw footsteps out there that were his
You never thought that while you were gone
He would leave too
You should have known
You stupid stupid girl

I think it is hard to define true pain
We all have those bad days
We all have those bad nights
We all feel pain but in what context is it real
In moments when you feel hopeless
Those who you hope will comfort you
Will come up with excuses
Will say that others have it worse
Will tell you it's not that big of a deal
When you go to the doctor for pain
They will ask you to measure it
On a scale of 1 to 10
That is considered normal and necessary
We are told that tears are only salt water rivers
That will flow and drown your skin
But they will dry
Letting the crystal evaporate into the sunlight that makes everything better in the morning
Tears are no small thing to me
I believe that if something aches you enough
That your eyes produce water to show this
That your body knows that you cannot stand the dry desserts, you have to drown sometimes
In everything, we are told that it's not as bad as we think
That we should see what other people are going through
I do believe that their pain is real
But I do not believe that mine is meaningless
I still feel just as they do
My body does not listen to these excuses
I cannot train myself to always be happy
Because I am so lucky
I know that I am so lucky
And I am thankful
But my pain still matters
I am stuck giving myself scars by ripping it from my veins
But I am not going to keep my pain in a box
Do not tell me that this pain is only an advocate for attention
We've all paid the toll in exchange for rites of passage
Maybe I am misunderstanding the meaning of pain
But I believe all pain is real
If you feel it, it has to be there
Pain demands to be felt
So feel it

Let's get drunk together
So I can kiss you
And blame it on the alcohol

I return home in a gaze
And I think back on
The way he holds the steering wheel
Arm stretched out like a bridge reaching for direction
I think back on
The way he turned and looked at me
In effort to explore the decaying garden in my head
My body was aching to touch his
My mind knew better to keep my head down
I think back on
His smile that lit up the dark insides of the car
I know that it has been said time and time again
But man, if only you could see his
It would change your whole perspective on what light truly looks like
I think back on
The road in front of us
The sound of the engine humming in my ears
The distant melody of his breathing
I know that this sounds insane
But sometimes going insane is the best way to love
I think back on
His eyes, like a car crash
I know I should look away by I cannot bring myself to do so
I wonder if you see disaster in me as well
My heart beat turns pouring rain in my chest
I never did appreciate looking into them everyday
Now your eyes are a precious sight, an infrequent gift
I will try not to take them for granted
I think back on
Us, you and I, together
I am not as capable as I once was when I had you
I find myself aching for the sunlight in your arms
My love for you now is like an apartment I cannot afford
A love that will take you down
There is not a day that goes by where I do not question myself in the name of you
I swear if we love again, I will love you right
Though that is deemed on the brink of impossible
I will never lose hope
Real love never truly does

Loving you is my favorite mistake
One I would never take back
Although I have kept up this act, that it wasn't a problem
I know it was a bad decision on my part
But I do not care
I will love you even more
Because our hearts never worked well with erasers
And I think that mistakes like these
Turn out looking a lot better
Than the way we're "supposed" to be
Kind of like changing the ending to a bad movie
You'll thank us later

There will be a day, coming to you soon
When your world of black and white turns to color
The pages in your childhood color book
Will be scribbled outside of the lines
Every inch will illuminate pigments of joy
Carelessly erasing blankness
Replacing it with animation
There will be a day, coming to you soon
When the gaps in your soul will be filled
Like pouring water into the glass
Whether it be half full or half empty
It will be overflowing
There will be a day, coming to you soon
When the words that fell out of your mother's mouth
Taunting and baneful, each criticism will melt beneath this new light that you have found
Do not give up yet
Nothing is as hopeless as it seems
There will be a day, coming to you soon
When everything will be okay
Don't miss it my love
Don’t miss it, please

Falling in love knowing your heart is going to break is the best way to do it
Fall like a summer thunderstorm and don’t look back unless you're searching for flowers that will bloom in your wake
Wander into uncharted territory and let your guard down
Do not let the barb wire fence frighten you, reach out to touch it
Bleed red like the roses he will bring your mother in the winter
Let your thoughts wander over the precipice of the future, imagine him in it, imagine the both of you sharing an apartment
One with wood floors and white walls
Waking up next to him, his arms wrapped around you
Let the sound of his breathing resonate in the compounds of your mind
Remember this sound when you cannot produce it yourself
Your body will turn to face him and he will squint his eyes at the light reflecting off your skin from the window
He will sigh and say "good morning," in sluggish harmony with the most beautiful smile
The innocent kind where nothing could ever take away the grace, the way his cheeks slide up and he exhales with a laugh
Imagine that he is happy, still
He pulls you towards him and kisses your forehead
His body is warm like an eastern sunset in the middle of the summer
And in this moment you will smile in disbelief of how lucky you are
"Do you want coffee?" you will say, running your fingers through his tussled hair
He will nod, slightly, just enough for you to see it and though you don't want to, you will slide out of bed
Leaving the warmth, leaving him there with every intention to return
Falling in love knowing you heart is going to break is the best way to do it
And sometimes sliding out of bed will become parallel to sliding out the door
And leaving the one place that really felt like a home
You may intend to return, but when you do
You will discover that he has changed the locks

I look forward to cigarettes
Habits walking back into my life
Those I spent everything on
Just trying to push away for good
All of my endeavors failed
But they calm me down
Carrying stress away like a helicopter carrying someone too injured to wait longer for any other form of transportation
Carrying me like a mother holds her first newborn child, being especially careful, don't drop it
The spark of a lighter like a firework
A sweet flame, always comforting,
whispers,
"you couldn't change
even if you wanted to"
And I sit here
And in one hand, holds an escape to my pain
And in the other
My own throat

like falling into a pool of ice
the sudden shock is overwhelming
the sharp needle like stinging
constantly getting tighter
closing tight like locked jaw
clenched fist, gripping air
you are my winter water
you make me go so still
I almost don't exist
*I almost do not even exist

Loving you is so bittersweet
It is like running on a fractured ankle and thinking this will help it heal
It is like ringing the doorbell to an abandoned house an expecting someone to answer
It is the only thing that all of the songs are right about
Loving you is quiet
I could never do it out loud because the thing about unrequited love is it does not dare to speak up, it cares more for holding its breath rather than wasting it
People tell you that if you love someone, you should always tell them
But I fear that telling you something so audacious would only scare you away
And I cannot bear you leaving
I would rather love you from the corner of my eye rather than the blur from salted crystals seeing your backside as it walks away from me

I would never think of writing about
how I'd rather listen to you talk about what you thought
love was
in place of making dinner
I have found myself shrinking
from lack of sufficient vitamins
and I would never think of writing about how your lips curve so splendidly when you smile
how your teeth carry a night light that brightens even the deepest darkness
I would never think of writing about how your eyes are deeper than the pacific
deeper than any ocean
ever to have existed
the blue is blinding
your eyes carry a delicious color
that reminds me of an old swing set I used to have
and I would never think of writing about love
love is something so dear and fragile
that my words do not have the capacity
to begin to attempt to explain it
love is sweet and gentle
love is not what you would expect but when you meet love,
love is not disappointing
I would never think of writing about love simply because
all I would be able to write about
is you

Her head bobs along to a song you can't hear and you wonder what she sings in the showers these days
She used to joke saying that singing wasn't her forte but you always loved the sound of her Sunday morning humming
You wonder who listens to her talk about the stars at night or who carries her home when she's drunk
She used to ramble on about her future and smile when she was upset
In her vulnerable times she put periods at the ends of her sentences
You wonder if anyone notices now the stress behind her proper grammar
She reminds you of the way the mountains change colors when the sun goes down, only lasting a few seconds and barely long enough to photograph
Her love did not last very long in one piece
It carried on when she left but you never knew about it, did you?
When she walked out it was like a tornado in your mind finally hit you and knocked you off your feet
The ground was a lot closer than you thought it was
Love will do that to you
Her hands grip her blue jeans and she keeps her head down when you pick here up, not so much a white horse just a white car
She is the poem everyone feels they should reread
And you have, you have read through her often
Memorized the lines like it was a monologue you had to preform
You wonder if she misses you
You wonder if she still listens to your favorite song
You wonder if she knows that you still listen to hers

There is something about unrequited love
A current in you will endlessly twirl
A wind will sweep you up
And at the brink of sensation
You will be shoved under the rug
You will feel disarmed and vulnerable
You will feel shrunken beneath their beauty
They will tease you and keep you hanging
The edge that you are leaning off of is slowly beginning to fall apart and you hear the audible sound of it breaking but you will risk your plummet just to be closer to them
Your heart will thump in your just like the banging on a gong and you will feel it reverberate throughout your body
But the rate of your heart beat does not change reality
They do not love you
The one thing about unrequited love is it risks it all
You could end up shattered like a glass vase
Crushed like dry autumn leaves beneath their feet as they walk toward someone else who is not you
You will feel every crack as it hits you
And they will only hear a soft, distant mumble
as you cry out beneath them
Do not turn and run
Because they might love you one day
That is by far the worst thing about unrequited love
The unknown

I can not decide if I regret you or not
You have taught me what it feels like to really laugh
and to really cry
You have taught me to question people who doubt me but also to question myself
I can not decide if I regret you or not
Because you are so sweet but you've given me cavities
but I consider if maybe it is better to have sweetness that went bad rather than no sweetness at all
I can not decide if I regret you or not
but when I see her name on your phone
next to mine
I wonder which one you regret
out of the two