I often find myself wondering
If you have forgotten about me yet
If I am a closed history textbook after the year has ended
If I am the chapter in the book you skip over now because you know only useless information is provided
I wonder if you look at your watch and think back on the times we used to share
Wonder if you recall the late night phone calls
Wonder if you remember the sound of me weeping
I wonder if you ever think about how my lips would have tasted if only you'd ever gotten a sample of them
I wonder if the girl after me could satisfy you in a way you knew I never would
Your secrets are not sitting in the corner, they are in the light, I know how it feels to want to be filled up when you are so empty, I wonder if she did that for you
I wonder if you're happy that I am gone
I wonder if you wonder about me
About my happiness
I often find myself wondering the most however,
What you will do next
With someone else

Her head bobs along to a song you can't hear and you wonder what she sings in the showers these days
She used to joke saying that singing wasn't her forte but you always loved the sound of her Sunday morning humming
You wonder who listens to her talk about the stars at night or who carries her home when she's drunk
She used to ramble on about her future and smile when she was upset
In her vulnerable times she put periods at the ends of her sentences
You wonder if anyone notices now the stress behind her proper grammar
She reminds you of the way the mountains change colors when the sun goes down, only lasting a few seconds and barely long enough to photograph
Her love did not last very long in one piece
It carried on when she left but you never knew about it, did you?
When she walked out it was like a tornado in your mind finally hit you and knocked you off your feet
The ground was a lot closer than you thought it was
Love will do that to you
Her hands grip her blue jeans and she keeps her head down when you pick here up, not so much a white horse just a white car
She is the poem everyone feels they should reread
And you have, you have read through her often
Memorized the lines like it was a monologue you had to preform
You wonder if she misses you
You wonder if she still listens to your favorite song
You wonder if she knows that you still listen to hers

I miss who he used to be
His heart used to light up with kindness
He kept sweetness in his pockets
He left each day with a mark on it
A memento of some sort of joy
He and I used to dance in the kitchen
He and I used to dance in the street
He and I used to really love
We were infatuated with each other's presence
He was always hoping for the light at the end of the tunnel
But now, he barely even recognizes how to light a match unless he is using to burn something
He is cold and I am sorry to say I ever loved someone like him
Maybe I changed him or maybe this was him the whole time
Both ideas terrify me
I am sorry for all that has happened
I never lied about him, or said any hurtful words to others
I told them that he was a good guy,
Still after all that has happened I endeavor to believe that
I am sorry for all that has happened
But that gives him know excuse to treat me like I am nothing
His words sting like a bee, I only use that analogy
because I am allergic to them
I often wonder, that even though he used to shine bright yellow, maybe I was missing the darkness
That also lined his skin
Maybe I was allergic to him all a long

Every painting starts with a white canvas
Threaded blank pages layed out and begging for color
A tool dipped in dark blue
Brushing on a dark sky, yellow making stars
Swirling constellations into words for astronomers to write about one day
Adding in flaming orange to represent the sunset that has now faded
But never washing the brush clean and they call it fresh
There are some paintings that never are seen
Imagine the most beautiful piece of art
And realize that there may be one out there you have yet to discover
Think of your love life this way, as I have been trying to do
Though you have seen the outline of their body
And the way their hair burns in the sunlight that leaks through the window, open blinds letting in flaming gold
It reminds you of their hands
How they drip chrome raindrops all over the canvas of your body
You will feel beautiful and as if no one has ever truly been such an immaculate artists in sketching escape plans on your back that you thought were future paths you two would walk together
Realize that there are other artists out there
You have not seen the most beautiful piece of yourself yet
Because a true artist never hides his work
Every painting starts as a white canvas
So wipe yourself clean
And wait for someone who does not use old brushes on new paintings

I'm a fool for falling for this
I'm a fool for thinking something so simple
Something so lazy and undeliberate
Could actually mean something
It was just a drunk kiss
Nothing special, nothing close to the proximity of feeling
A numbing passion, dull and mute
Forgetting it all because what's there to remember?
Nothing but misinterpreted shots and beers
Failing to recognize all of the flashing signs
I knew better but I couldn’t help myself
I've learned that life will toss you around
And then laugh when your hair gets messed up
Nobody cares for honesty after they show you what you want, nothing matters when looking at a perfect frame
Then you end up slipping in the exact moment you stop paying attention to the direction you're heading
After this there is nothing much you can do but crave the freedom you once tasted
Now, you cannot even begin to remember the sweetness
Only the bitter taste of you still in my mouth
And no matter the amount of alcohol I swallow
The burn of your tongue lingers eternally

Sleepless nights fill with incompetent infatuation
and drunken bewilderment
igniting white sticks of numbness
to grip all of our pain in one palm
and take it away
in a quick instance
Hoping that maybe tomorrow you will
feel a little less pain
But when you wake up
in a painful daze
with smudged make-up on a white pillow
and cold coffee
Confused as to why
It Still Hurts So **** Much

If only I could say this out loud
How our prior affair continues to draw breath in my mind
It is barely survuving and I am aching to restore it
It clings tight to my shoulder
Claws digging into my thin cotton t-shirt
I never imagined I would have to endure this
And here I am in a perpetual state of misery
If only I could say this out loud
How this distance is tearing me to pieces
It's as if I am the bridge and she is the earthquake
Ripping me apart each crumbling rock at a time
I am breaking before I was ever finished being built
If only I could say this out loud
How my chest is always heavy
And my stomach is always tightened
As if sooner or later my body will stop working
Have my organs cave in on themselves
Have my bones snap and you will only blink
If only I could say this out loud
How I love you
I know I shouldn't now
But all I can think about is you
And I cannot bear to say it
Looking at you, I cannot bear to say it
Out loud

I want to fill you up when you are empty
I want to be the shore that crashes over you
I do not think you know how much I love talking to you
Saying your name, my precise tone and articulation
Spoken as if my lips are dancing to no music
Your beauty punctured my soul
I yearn to be closer to you but the same time afraid
But then my heart taps on the shoulder of my mind
Saying 'what is there to fear when love goes down so smooth'
Is it wrong to want to be centered when we are so unbalanced
I am walking into this knowing that the tide will overtake me but continuing anyways
You are the sweet whisper that is selling the promise of love but never actually delivering
But I do not care about your faulty misconception to what a token of truth is really worth
Play with my emotions like a child who has just received a new toy at Christmas
I know soon you will get sick of me and crave something else but I am willing to be thrown away if it is your arms that I am leaving from
I know it sounds crazy but I have discovered that you cannot call something crazy unless you have something normal to compare it to

You are the evident piece of love that everyone wants like the slice of cake with the most icing on it
You are the sweet candy that everyone craves and the one you wish most to get on Halloween
You are the favorite book, the best seller, the one with words that you have to look up because you are not easily deciphered
Your voice, so delicate yet firm, reverberates in my skull like a hymn in an empty church
You are the painting in my hallway that people have to ask about because, though it is beautiful, they feel the edging desire to know what it is
The truth is that I don’t know how to describe you
Words will never be enough
I could write until my hand cramps and refuses to move the pen in rhythmic swirls to form letters and still it would never be enough
You are more than I deserve

Lately I have found myself pulling out arrows and throwing them back at cupid because although you are not supposed to pull the weapon out of the wound, I refuse to remain in this
I would rather bleed to death than drown in love

How beautiful it is to stay silent
When someone expects you to be enraged at them
How beautiful it is to laugh
When someone thinks you are going to shed tears

I sit in a chair we once sat in together gripping the last pieces of our love in the palm of my hand
We slipped away like leaves on the side of the road
Too many others were flying past, pushing us into oblivion
We sat almost too calmly, rewriting the next chapters
Whiting them all out like mistakes we loved making
Starting on a new page would take away the memories
We brushed away the words like ashes that fell into our laps,
like spilled white whine
We did not believe the words
until we felt the dampness seeping into our jeans
I will never forget you
One thing is for sure, that even though one day I will be happy again and carefree and no longer crying over you
I will always remember your laugh
The way it slipped out, the way you lit up
I will always remember your eyes
The way they lit up like the stars we used to gaze at together
The way they smiled,
And the way they cried
I will always remember the way you held me like losing me was not an option
I am sorry that it crept in anyways
I sit in this chair, holding on to these pieces like you used to hold onto me, I am afraid that it is time to let these go too

You and I
We are indifferent
We are dumbfounded by feelings
We are two people in the same room with nothing to talk about
Confounded by misunderstandings
Believing the lies while choking on the truth
We are two people who never wanted to face the concrete reality
Always wanting the other one to speak up first
You and I
Sitting in silence

Some moments you can just feel, fizzling from out under like a hundred sparklers being ignited for a spectacular light show
"I know I have to tell him," she thinks, "Now or never."
After all there's nothing left to lose but an already fleeting night
She thinks dawn will reach the sky before she tells him
He looks up and smiles and in the moment he's so dear it hurts
She should tell him she still loves him but her lips cannot form the words
Sometimes we hold on to feelings and leave things left unsaid because we are afraid of what could follow
But change is inevitable and life is complicated but it is wild, crazy, and beautiful
So if not tonight, there's always tomorrow
Maybe she will tell him tomorrow

If you would have asked me what I though love was a year ago
I would have responded with one word
"Pain"
Love is late nights and damp pillows
Something that you find in the romance of hazy coffee houses and broken cigarettes.
Something that you get burned up in
Something so unobtainable people crafted a word for it
Unrequited
Love is cavities, love is hurt
But then I came across a boy
Who is now starting to change my mind
He shows me that love is acceptance
Love is joy
Love is waiting by the phone, love is finally calling and hoping that they answer
Love is a shared song that you can both cry to
Love is comfortable silence
And now, as I think about it more
Love is beginning to look
Love is beginning to look a lot like him

And after every drink
I stare at these empty bottles
Certain they are full
Of a poem about missing someone
Someone like you

I was never good at coping with severe pain
I only magnified the existence of it
My heart pounded into my chest like a plane crashing into a building
You will never get used to someone not loving you
Of course, we say it will get better and that you will feel renewed, refreshed once you finally move on, they promise that it will be okay
But how am I supposed to trust these people that never knew you
I've tried to let go, to throw away the things at the bottom of the box
To burn and let the ashes dance in the wind off to some better place
But each and every time I spark the lighter, I end up burning myself
Instead

open up your mind
let all of your hidden thoughts
crawl out of the closet
and be set free for just a minute or two
try to remember the simple fragrance of desire
the constant craving kept a secret
until one soul became braver than the other
the beginning was calm and passionate
gentle and sweet
stage two
our bodies caressing on top of one another
turning back and forth
heavy breaths and open mouths
grabbing hard, kissing tender
never wanting to stop, never getting enough
you can hear your heart beat in your chest
and the flutter in your stomach is eternal
the feel of your neck and your hands down my back
until finally one kiss
then another and another
so addicting
then suddenly everything goes quiet, still
eyes closed, one deep breath
and one dark room filled with memories of a night
to forever be kept a secret

I am doing everything I can, not to love you
Convincing myself that I do not need you
Failing to do so each time
I am doing everything I can, not to love you
Searching ruthlessly for pieces of myself that I have lost
Writing about how I do not need anyone to fill me
Drowning in this agony trying to remind myself that I know how to swim
I am doing everything I can, not to love you
But I cannot help myself
I am endeavoring with everything to keep myself away
But I cant
I am drawn to you like a sinner seeing the light
I am pacing myself for the fall
Assuring myself it won't hurt that bad
Dragging my feet backwards away from you
But you are a magnet and I am only a piece of metal searching for something to attach myself to
I am doing everything I can, not to love you
But frankly, none of it has worked
And for that I am sorry, both to you and myself

Some advice I should have given myself before I loved you
1.) He will sound like he means it and it is everything that you want to hear, do not mistake misguided desperation for affection as truth.
2.) Love is stronger than pride and if he does not treat you like the brightest star he has ever seen he is not the right one.
3.) This world is like sugar, it may crumble easily beneath you but do not be afraid to taste it, do not confuse it with salt.
4.) In life, if you love someone, you will do anything you can to keep it but you cannot take someone's heart and enslave it. Love is a ***** game but it is not love when it is forceful.
5.) Your eyes have seen more than his take time do notice, be careful with those who do not recognize detail in little conversations.
6.) Before you give yourself away to someone, make sure that they will take care of you. You are fragile and need all the passion that the waves have for the ocean shore. Someone who will be able to describe the color of your eyes to a room full of blind people. You deserve so much more than you think you do.
7.) Do not confuse a spark for love. Love is supposed to feel like igniting a firework that never ends. Do not mistake love for infatuation.

Love as thin as water
As bitter as gasoline
As numbing as anesthesia
As calming as ocean tides
As captivating as the night sky
As addicting as chocolate
As addicting as it gets
Love for me, has just been alcohol
Because it is the only love
That somewhat loves me back
And if not, makes me believe it anyways

Come What May
I will always leave an open room for you
In the depths of my soul's hotel
The 'No Vacancy' sign will never be lit
I will always leave a room open for you
No matter how many come to my door
Come What May
The gesture of open hands will never grow old
I will not let you slip through them again
If you ever do decide to make your home in these palms
Come What May
My mind will grow weary and footsteps be miscalculated
I will soon grow unsure if I am walking towards you or away
I know that this is madness but
Perhaps there is nothing wrong with a little self-destruction
Come What May
Your smile will always be a masterpiece,
Forever painted on these walls
No other artist but God
I wonder how steady his hands were on the day he made you
Come What May
I will never bring myself to wash off the kisses you left on my collarbones
I will not tell you how I feel because you will only remind me of her
I cannot bear to hear another audible proclamation of her name
Come What May
If you must know, I do still love you
But I wish you the best and that you be happy
Despite the amount of pain it inflicts on me
Come What May
I know that if you are doing well
I will do my best to do the same

Raindrops think they are flying until they hit the ground
Soaring like an eagle, oddly in love with the feeling of going down
But hitting bottom is like no other disappointment
When morning comes you will realize
You were not flying at all, you were descending
Sliding down a rope of oxygen and demolishing at the impact
The concrete will never feel so cold
And you will wonder why you let him slip into your sheets
Keeping you warm, soaking yourself into him like wet cement
Only until he climbs out
And you will have to act as if it were only a change in weather
A punchline that you saw coming
Do not look eager to hold him again, if he felt the same
He wouldn't have gotten up in the first place
I am only a raindrop
I used to think I could fly until morning hit
Sobriety found its way in and the hangover was nothing like this emptiness
I have hit the ground and now I am only hoping to evaporate again
And fall into every piece of air that you blew into me

Something is tapping my shoulder
Telling me to look away
Telling me that it simply will not work
That even with everything I've got, it'll never be enough
But something else urges me on
As if you were the only one for me
As if you actually felt the same way
As if I could actually obtain such beauty
But suddenly the door swings off it's hinges and reality stands in the door way shaking his head
He knows that there is no such thing as second chances
He knows that I do not deserve something of such quality
He knows all of the things that I refuse to believe
I still love you like I always have
Like lighting the last match just to watch it burn
Like a little kid playing with fireworks, loving the sparks but hating the ending, always wanting more
Always wanting to hold the lighter but to afraid of the flame being so close
I am a runaway train headed straight toward you
Yet even with our head on collision
You still do not even recognize me
Something is telling me to let go
But everything else is tightening my grip

One who** kisses but never actually touches lips
One who hugs but bodies never truly embrace
One who says but never does
One who fractured my conscience
One who never even noticed

Tonight, he will probably go and get drunk
He will drink beer after beer, shot after shot
Until his vision is at the brink of extension
So much, that a girl from across the party catches his eye
And he will stroll over, spilling out his best pick up line all over her lap and she will laugh because he has always been able to brighten a mood even when he is intoxicated
And you will wonder if she looks like you
Wonder if her eyes are deep brown, if they flutter when he smiles, if they notice how beautiful his are
Wonder if he hair hangs long down her back
Wonder if he runs his fingers through it when they kiss
Wonder if he presses his fingers into her back like wet cement
Wonder if she had a bad after taste that left a bitter dryness in his mouth, wonder if he had another drink to wash it away
And as you sit on your back porch, letting the cold grip you in the palm of its hands, squeezing, turning you numb
You will drink straight from a bottle of *****
And you will wonder if this is how love tastes, after all

Loving you is like explaining where we store and access our memories
Like trying to describe what water tastes like or the color of a mirror
It doesn’t make any sense at all, it is difficult to decipher
Collectively bleeding from imaginary cuts that you do not even know that you gave me, you thought you did nothing wrong
Brushed away the uncomfortable silence on the car ride home
Listened to the humming of your engine as if it could drown out the sound of my heartbeat that quickened at every red light
I am not strong
I am all bark and only bite on accident
I cannot fight back because I am afraid you will abandon me as if you haven't already, I am trying to convince myself that you are still here
Is bravery supposed to feel like you guts trying to slide out of your fingertips
I am so scared to talk to you because I worry you will mistake my name with hers, I am worried you will do it on purpose
It is hard to speak confessions in other accents
So why am I trying to tell you I love you in her voice
I will stop bringing your name up in cups of coffee
Pour in the sugar, let it taste too sweet I will cringe at the bitter aftertaste
I know that this is not going to make me feel any better
I am pacing my steps trying to get away
Will not stop running until I stumble
My legs are crumbling beneath me it reminds me of your walk
How your knees grow weak at the sight of her
I am sorry I am not her kind of beautiful
Forgive me for loving you despite your love for her
And I will try to forgive myself for the same

I knew from the start that stepping into this
Was not going to end in my favor
From the moment you gave me that look of desire
I knew it was only the alcohol
Consuming your thoughts and cravings
There was nothing special about me
I was never the girl you wanted to be with
Just for a night, that’s all I was used for
I was just another hit and run
This is no sweet love story where they meet in a bar
And something magical comes out of it
There is only anguish in this hole I have fallen in
This is no wonderland
I knew that from the very beginning
I was doing something so foolish
But I couldn’t help myself

Recently I have been reading a book
It is about two people falling in love
In the worst way
They are playful and beautiful
They are simple and extravangtly in love
Although, neither say it until they break up
This book reminded me a lot of us
We were playful
We were so beautiful
We both tried so hard to impress each other
But there is something different about us
When she leaves, he tries everything he can
To get her back to him
Building bridges, sending flowers, showing compassion
Endeavoring with everything in him to show
There was a love there, if you looked close enough
When I left
You drew yourself away from me
And as much as I hated it
I tried to get you back
But you said no
And I sit in this imaginary story
about two people who couldn't make it work
Reading about how he tried
But thinking only about how you didn't

I will call you up drunk
Declaring my mistaken disposition
Pulling your skin between my lips
like a cheap cigarette
Igniting your spirit
Watching you dance in the smoke
But eventually throwing you out
Because even fire does not last forever
Though it may keep us warm for a short time
It will always burn out

You will not expect it
You will be out with friends
When the news of her existence accidently spills
All over your barstool
Do no wipe it away
Let it tear through the leather,
And stick to all of those who choose to sit there when you leave
You will want to down three more shots of cheap liquor
Then three more, as many more that you need to throw up tonight's words that climbed out of your friend's mouth and into your shot glass
You will mumble regrets into the toilet bowl as your liver aches because it is your punching bag in times like these
You will want to call him and will go as far as holding the phone in your hand with his number dialed by memory
Do not call him
He does not want to hear your drunken proclamations of amour
He does not care for you, no matter how many times your heart has tried to convince you that he does
If he did you would know it because the small things would be the obvious ones
You will wake up the next morning feeling fatigued and cold but though you are in agony you will look forward to more alcohol
Because the burn in your throat is an easier pain to bear than the thought of him kissing someone else
Reality laughs at your consistent attempts to run away from it
And will always be there, standing in the door way the next morning

There's something haunting about you
I could watch you all day
And never get sick of it
Like staring at such an intricate piece of art
Finding new details with time and memorizing all of mixed colors that were used to create something so beautiful
Each of your breaths are fistfuls of stones dropped in my throat and anchored in my chest
The way you smile with such sincerity and light-heartedness like an innocent child
I know that you are no good for me
I know there is more to you than the precision that I see
I know that you will only hurt me
And I know that I should walk away before the ground crumbles beneath me
But there is a hope that you will be the one to catch me
Before I plummet
A hope I will hold onto until I fall

In life, we often decide things for ourselves
things that were never meant
for us to handle, something we can not reach
We make decisions based on what we think is best now
but in the long run
you have laid down glass for yourself
and your bare feet

Laying with my body pressed against yours
Hearing your breathing sing in my ears
Like a choir in an empty church
An echo that keeps me awake
Holding onto every last piece of you
Memorizing how your chest elevates
How your brow curls when you're angry
How your lips form the half crescent moon when you smile
How you walk with such confidence and stand in such a way that makes people wonder why you would ever sit down
Your body is a sculpture that I stand in wonder at
The detail astounds me, I am in admiration of such artistry
You are so exquisite, I hope I can show you one day
To see yourself as I do

Each and every time someone warns me about you
My heart tends to crave you just a little bit more
Each and every time

I do not remember how I fell into this
I only remember you being at the bottom
Of this hole

Fear sits in a chair across from me
Eyes peering through my skull
I wonder what he is looking for
My body tenses
A spark of tingling is lit at the tip of my toes
It climbs
Clawing at my ribcage, gripping my throat
Flooding my mind
As I try and convince myself that the wars in my head
are crafted from divine reason
My body tenses more
Fear, still staring, smiles
Because he's found what he's looking for
A face of boy, sitting there in the vacancy of my brain
And I would have cried
But I've learned that there is no use in getting your face wet
Over a silly, inconsistent boy

Even when I am drunk
And I do not know what I am doing
Even when I cannot see clearly
Even when I cannot walk straight
When I am drowning in obscurity
And my façade falls on the ground
And shatters like a glass picture frame
Even when my blood turns thinner than water
Swimming in alcohol, wading in the diluted pool
Even when I stumble
Tripping over myself
I am a hand grenade
If you touch me the wrong way
I will lose it all
I will give myself up to you
Surrender like a body on a cross
Succumb to this eager craving
That only alcohol makes me acknowledge
Shoving it in my face
Reminding me that I still love you
Even when I am drunk
And I do not know what I am doing
Even when I cannot see clearly
Even when I cannot walk straight
I will always be able to run to you

Lately, I have been discovering how to be happy
I am experiencing tiny moments of blissful peace
I am learning to stand without anyone else's help
I am looking beyond the ruins of my old habits
And heading straight towards the reconstruction
Making new blue prints now and using brighter colors
This process is slow, it's true
It will not be a quick recovery
Being in the dark so long, too much light can be blinding
But I am not turning around
In fact, I regret those times where I have chosen darkness
I have wasted too much time not being happy
But I have found that once you find real joy
It is hard to walk away from
I am getting better at smiling when people expect me to
And not wanting to cry as often as I did
My reflection is looking more beautiful than it has in a long time
I have discovered that the greatest beauty secret
Beyond make up and fitness and money
Is being happy
When you truly have something to marvel about
Your complexion clears, your eyes reflect light
Your smile is like the eastern sunrise that occurs after a long night of rain
So thank you to everyone who has helped me here
For picking me up despite my heaviness
Despite my occasional refusal to stand
Despite my sporadic mood swings where I am upset beyond real reasoning
Thank you
For not letting go of my hand as I swore I was fine
You will never truly realize all that you have done
And I don’t know if I ever want you to
Just know that I am thankful beyond all words

I would stop smoking for you

Why do I wake at 4 in the morning to run my fingers through you hair?
Sleepless lullaby playing in the back of my throat
I want to pull my body onto yours
But it is 4 in the morning and that's insane
Because you're gone now, the kind of gone where you are not expected to return
You have not left for work or for school, you're just gone
The cars on the highway have never sounded so loud
It's as if I can hear the radio static in each one
And I wonder how many people are awake at 4 in the morning wishing for the same things and me
Because though 2 am is lively and 3 am is scary, no one ever talks about 4 am because you are expected to be asleep by this time
It is 5 in the morning and maybe now I will be able to sleep this away, but maybe I will stay up in hopes that you will visit me

your embrace was so shelter-like that I felt
that if I were to fall, trip, stumble
I would remain in your arms
little did I know it was only the sweet beginning
of a lifetime of plunder
I'm sorry I trusted my body
inside of your hands
and let the bruises I've kept
tell the story of
a girl who was once innocent and unfamiliar with love
but is now picking up her mess
because she couldn't hold herself up

Too many times we forget that it's possible to be happy

I think everyone will in their life reach a point
Where the burden is too heavy for such a steep incline
When your insides churn and stir with every new assignment
When the flood gates of your mind are opened with every step
This world's gravitational pull suddenly is so much stronger
So we go and we let out our anguish, brushing off the demons that dance on our shoulders, releasing the clenched fists onto dry wall
Chocking on responsibility so you swallow it away with liquor
The bar stool you sit on is pulling at the black seems outlining it
The bartender is busy with orders, the man next to you has just taken off his wedding ring and you are only here to leak the stress out of your veins as your blood begins to drown in alcohol
Surrendering to another shot, downing it without realizing that you do not need any more because you can hardly mutter "Can I get two more?"
Never realizing, never tapping out, just losing yourself until the survival instinct inside of you convinces you to go and get it
So tonight, when the weight of this week begins to break your collarbones
Succumb to the wine in your kitchen
Succumb to the bottle of ***** at a party
Succumb to it all
Because that is the one thing this stress cannot stop you from doing, it cannot stop you from leaving it under the pillow
What you do determines your life
Do not succumb to sleeping with a boulder on your back

Time is a delicate advocate for pain
We say that it heals all wounds
We say that it opens doors
And we say that it closes them
Time is my only medicine
for a disease like this
I am cutting you off
Like scissors cute paper in
the old childhood game
I am leaving you here
before this burden gets too heavy
Already I find myself stopping
because of the overwhelming weight
My shoulders are abandoning their supporting bones
The blood is draining from my face
I find I do not blush in the name of you
as much as I used to
Time may bring these habits home again
but as of right now
time has delivered nothing
But time
is all I have

It is hard to explain to someone that you only fall for ******* guys who treat you like **** and tend to look at other girls while standing next to you not that you mean anything to them anyways
It is harder to explain to someone when the someone you are trying to explain it to is the someone that you are talking about

Unzip yourself, step out of your façade of a body
Wipe off your coats of paint
I want to see every part off you that you hide from other people
Let me read your rough drafts and kiss your faults
Let your pride fall on the floor
Do no reach to pick it up instead reach out to me
I am holding out both my arms as far as they extend
And I hope that my arms do not detach from my shoulders
From the pressure my body is exerting to touch you
Do not shelter yourself from me, I am begging
I know that we are not ideal or perfect
But some of the best stories come from the worst nights
So let's write poetry together
With the way our bodies loop together like cursive letters
Copy and paste your old drunken stories onto the pillow case
Let me trace love letters on the back of your neck
Give you sweet bruises, and then paint over them so no one will see
I know, I know that we are not ideal or perfect
But do not leave tonight without us uncovering the reason why
we can't be

I thought I was over you
Thought I let your name go out the window
Watched it disappear in the rearview mirror clouded with dust
But I've learned that when love leaves it does not always she the shotgun door on its way out
I have been trying to tell myself that the door was closed
By refusing to look at it
I haven't quite figured out how to love you  out of paper yet
Only because words spoken out loud can easily be mistaken as lies
My voice is like a volcanic box of chatter
I'm equivalent to spontaneous combustion
Spilling words onto this paper like smooth run cold conversations and blocks of ice in slow motion
I wonder if I miss you only because I cannot have you anymore
You have filled something in me that is still full even though you are gone
I know that this is ludicrous to feel all this after one day of seeing you
But there is something that triggers in my ribcage
With face to face contact
I am sorry for letting my love for you spill onto the floor
It never belonged there
I thought I was over you, I really did
But frankly, I am not

There is a boy
He has velvet lips sweeter than honey
Enticing green eyes, shining like the full moon at the nights peak
His hair, dark and lustrous, has a sheen like fine hardwood
Like a waterfall of autumn leaves
His smile ignites a fire in my stomach, burning, growing
His aura is captivating, I could talk to him for hours
Everything about him grips my attention and I do not know how to get away and I am afraid to relive an unrequited love story
There is a boy
I barely know him at all
But the little things have always been the biggest
And maybe something so alluring,
Something that can mesmerize me this much
Well, perhaps maybe it was meant to

Looking at you for only a moment
Because staring too long would cause my eyes to drip like melting iron, slipping down my face and onto my neck
Seeping into my skin like a red needle
Looking at you for only a moment
It is all I can bear before the urge to caress the tips of my fingers down your back, drawing a map, creating borders that I intend to cross, I look away
Looking at you for only a moment
Because if I look too long my brain will check out and begin to sing like a scratched up CD
The words are so beautiful but you can hardly understand what they are saying, I look away
Looking at you for only a moment
Making sure to direct my attention elsewhere before you turn and see me in awe of the beauty of you
In a room full of art, I would still only see your eyes
Because although paintings are beautiful
You are so addicting
You draw me in like a child coloring outside of the lines
Stepping over the obvious boundaries but still thinking that this is how it is supposed to be
I cannot steady my hand enough to even write
I am a drunk, you are the alcohol and everything around you is the water I should be drinking but I cannot seem to get enough of the way your burn as you go down
My mouth dries at the thought of you leaving the room
Looking at you for only a moment
Then looking away but I get a sense of unease realizing that you are no longer standing across the room but in front of me
Looking at you for longer than a moment
The closing my eyes
Finally reality punches me in the face like a guy in a bar who has had one less drink than me
Angry and overwhelmed, pushing his fist into my jaw
Hearing it shatter in my ears like throwing an empty bottle at the ground you can barely stand on
I wake and realize that looking for only a moment
Is the only sensation I can reach
When you are so far away from where I am